To be not entirely keen to look after my Grandma

[StWinifred]

My Grandma is 100 years old and rather debilitated, although fully compos mentis.

She was being looked after her by her son, who had lived with her for decades. He had a heart attack in the 1980s and I think the strain of looking after his Mum did for him, and he suffered a fatal heart attack in July.

Since then my parents has been looking after her, in her home, which is a largely original 1930s house.

She went to stay with my parents in their own home (an hour or so away) for a few days a month or so ago. She found this a bit disorienting but they were grateful to get home; this was curtailed when she had to go back home for medical appointment.

A few weeks ago my parents wanted to go away so they asked if I could help, I said she can stay here (in our hours for a week), but there's no way I can go there because of various prearranged commitments locally, school, etc. They didn't think this was a good idea.

My sister proposes early on that she should stay in her home as she has been in the area since birth. My sister has been with her partner (she doesn't believe in marriage I think) for a decade and has no children (doesn't believe in this either). Her idea was that we (my parents, my sister, and I), should look after her a couple of days per week each.

Due to work/childcare I can only do this over the weekend. Last weekend I headed there at 6pm (takes about 1hr 45 to get there) on Saturday and got back home at 5:30pm on Monday to pick up the kids from school. My sister was there from 6pm Monday till 8am Wednesday, working from home Tuesday, and I think planning to on Wednesday also in future, though she had a meeting on Wednesday so left early - in future she might be there until afternoon/evening though.

My father said he thinks I shouldn't go every week on Saturday as it would be disruptive to our family. I haven't made any commitments.

Anyway he called on Tuesday to ask what time I was coming on Sunday, and I said I didn't know I will let you know at the end of the week. He called me today at 11:30pm to ask the same, sorry I don't know, does it make any difference? Well we were thinking of going away for a couple of days, he said. Oh really?

He then sent me a rather nagging email saying they would appreciate a routine, and also could you come round and stay with the kids during half term to balance your sister's 'input'? (My DH has work to go to, locally, so it would be me + kids.)

I replied saying sorry I can't give you a routine after only one visit there, it ain't routine yet, and I'm not about to promise to match my sister, what she does is what she can do, and she's got her circumstances and she mine, and actually I didn't really feel the house was suitable for kids when I was there.

Grandma can't make it up the stairs, so she sleeps in the living room, and there's no toilet down stairs, so there's a commode there. She's got severe incontinence so lots of pads to dispose of, plus the commode to empty. She tends to fall over and she can't be left alone at home for more than about 2 hours. She needs her breakfast, lunch, dinner prepared, plus tea, drinks, etc.

They've been in this house for nearly 3 months now and they have no bed, just two very old 'small single' mattresses on the floor. Apparently they ordered a bed from Homebase but it takes 3 weeks or something? Anyway, I thought this was ridiculous, so when I was there on Saturday I went to a local shop and they said they could deliver a bed on Wednesday. Passed this information on to my father and apparently he couldn't get through to them on the phone, so er, still no bed for me to sleep on this weekend.

There's another empty bedroom for the kids (but no bed) but the window frame is rotten and there's a hole in the window.

My DH doesn't like this arrangement at all, and thinks Grandma should go live with my parents, and that it's their responsibility to look after their mother.

My father OTOH seems to think that its our collective responsibility (the four of us being her only direct descendants), and on that basis I should tell him what I'm doing and when, and not only that but try and 'make up' days that I haven't done (when compared with my sister) because childcare in the week is not practical.

I have told him several times that my DH is not really happy about the situation/disruption to family life (e.g., last Monday and foreseeably all future Mondays was disrupted because I had to get up at 7am to give Grandma her breakfast, after she was up till 00:45 watching TV the night before, and then I had to cycle 12 miles to get to the station to get home, and was way too knackered to cook a meal for the family, or to work with my DS on his 11+ preparation), but rather than taking the attitude that 'you are helping out, thank you very much', it seems to be more a case of 'why aren't you doing more'.

I am not really sure if IABU to be resentful of this attitude.

My parents have never told me what they are doing in advance, they will just do it on the day, and I have followed their lead, so if they want to know for instance what we are doing in half-term, I will tell them the day before, because that's when I will know myself. If they want to go away or something, then give me the dates and I will try and help, but it seems like they just want to go and do some gardening at home, ok well you don't need two weeks notice for that do you, and actually perhaps you can get a bloody bed in before I come round again.

Stay strong OP...

StWin, don't be disheartened, you are doing great. Remember, broken record technique: "I've thought about the impact on me and my DCs and this is what I can do, that's all. II believe grandma should have professional care support as soon as possible."

Stick to your guns! She needs paid care. She has means to provide this. Ring SS!

I would have thought that it was even harder for you to help out whilst your children are off school. Or are they suggesting you take them with you?

Agree re: the subtle pressure you're being placed under. I think you should stick to your guns and not be available for the next few weeks - then they're more likely to get on with those phone calls.

This whole situation is untenable, although you're all to be commended for trying to make it work.

It's important you don't give in now. State that you too are sad this is having a negative effect on your relationship, particularly as it doesn't need too due to money being available.

And keep emphasising that your children are your priority and need your care.

Broken record time.

The sad thing is even with all of your best efforts your grandmother must spend a lot of time alone.

No the children would come with me and sleep there, from Wednesday lunchtime till Friday afternoon basically. They came the last couple of times, which Grandma enjoyed.

I think it would be reasonable for me to go over on Wednesday till Thursday morning, but Wednesday till Friday is too long, we have things to get done for Christmas, I need to arrange playdate for my DS with friend who moved to another school, and so on.

Yup - broken record technique required.

This has been going on for nearly 6 months already. Your dad has had plenty of opportunity to explore options properly and to deal with the practical issues.

It is telling that it is only when you draw a line in the sand that he claims to have started looking at respite options "but didn't want to do anything over Christmas" . So rather than enjoy your grandmother's company over Christmas, he'd rather you all worked over Christmas caring for her - and spoiling the festive period for your own young family

Don't get drawn in to the "Blame" game and just keep reiterating you will visit your gran for company but won't get involved in care rotas as alternative measures can and need to be put in place.

Good luck.

Then tell them no! Keep doing it.

Now my mum has had added her own 2p:

'I said the arrangements have been unusual, not the circumstances giving rise to them.

I can't comment on conversations you've had with others.

I explained to sister that grandma is much better when other people have been in (besides me and dad) and she gave the example of friend and hairdresser coming and how they all had a good natter. I didn't go back and explain that I hadn't meant friend and hairdresser, but that your visits and hers brought her out of herself and were of great benefit. (this is just to comment on the bit about conversation from the hairdresser.)

You commented about the toilet arrangements before in an email to dad. I assume it has been made clear that gradma has absolutely no interest in having such alterations made, which is understandable.

I assume you have seen dad's reply to you.'

(obviously I don't know that she has 'absolutely no interest' in this, otherwise I wouldn't have said it)

aren't you out of this yet?
stop.

Broken record. Don't engage.

"This is what reasonable amount I am going to do next week. Proper care arrangements need to be put in place".

You could get into a whole tit for tat argument about all the things that your parents have not done, or took forever to get sorted, like the bed. But every time you challenge them on one thing, another will just pop up - so don't even start.

So concentrate instead on the "going forward": what you will do - and the broken record that proper care arrangements need to be put in place.

UT. Don't engage with the past, just focus on the future.

I'm so SS for you that your family have to communicate I'm this way. It must make things very difficult.

I sent this to my Dad:

'I agree that we should get through it, and I said so two months ago today in my email to you, so I am not sure that the current Christmas season is of any relevance.

I am bewildered as to how Grandma is to feel less of a burden by having three families disrupted to provide for her care, and you barely in your own home.

I know that you tend to prevaricate, but having stated that this was unsustainable two months ago, and that I wanted to believe that there was something beyond this, two months later there is still no sense of that, and when I have tried to discuss in the past you have brushed it off. If there is a plan for Grandma?s care in two months, two years? time, I am certainly yet to hear of it, and again as I stated before, I was very happy to relieve you while longer term arrangements were made, but in fact you didn?t reply to my email then and certainly haven?t attempted to address the subject since.

Having originally expressed doubts about the arrangement, then again almost immediately after starting, and again since, degeneration is inevitable, rather than surprising.

I have had lots of obligations on the weekends in terms of the family, and I have felt the need to account for my plans on any given Sunday; perhaps I would have liked to have gone out with the family or whatever, but felt unable to say no, given my unavailability on other weekend days due to visiting schools and other such chores. Obviously it has been nice to spend time with Grandma as well, but as I have said, so much nicer as a purely social visit rather than as a chore.'

StWin - this is rapidly becoming a he-said-she-said saga. I think you have been patient for long enough. you have 2 main options; just visit socially and offer no comment on your GM's care arrangements (or lack of them) or given your dad's nature of prevarication you could up the stakes and give a deadline for them sorting something with a what you will do if the deadline is not met. I truly believe social services and your GM's GP should be actively involved ASAP, ie before Christmas. They will be able to bring a non-emotionally involved viewpoint which should be able to cut the crap. Sorry to be harsh - but your GM may not have 2 years. It's either put up of shut up time. Best wishes

Grandma is very happy with her care, and social services won't be interested, as she is being well looked after.

"as she is being well looked after."

Says who???

She has no access to a bathroom ffs!!

The poor old lady is washing in a bucket.

I've lurked on this thread from the beginning. Your GM care isn't really acceptable. No access to a bathroom etc is not ok. I think you are being reasonable in trying to push your parents to put a proper package in place but I think it might be a good idea to get the GP to do a home visit and have a chat with them. Your parents might accept that a Dr has said she needs more care.

On a practical note, its the cold, flu and noro virus season (not wishing any illness on you or yours) who is going to cover if you, your parents and/or your sister get hit by the flu or a D&V bug and can't visit for a couple of days?

If you don't want to do any caring for your grandmother I think you need to be clearer about this in your emails that in future you will do social visits only and that if your parents and sister want to work out a caring rota between them and not involve social services, private carers or move grandma to your parents home or a care home that is up to them but they can't force you to be part of this rota just because you are in the family. They choose to be carers for grandma, you choose not to be a carer for grandma because you have a young family to care for and don't want to be involved in this situation which may continue for 2 or 3 years.
I don't really understand why grandma stopped living with your parents. You said it was for a medical appointment but she could have changed GPs or gone for an appointment at her previous local hospital then returned "home" to your parents. If you lived 300 miles away you wouldn't be being dragged into this. Yourparents and sister need to accept they have made their choices re caring for grandma and you have made your choice and stop trying to emotionally blackmail you into it.

StWin, I'm not getting at you, but have you actually asked SS if they're not bothered? Or have you decided that her care is fine and SS won't be interested, yourself?

Her situation and circumstances are simply inadequate for anyone, let alone a lady as old as she. She needs to be warm, she needs bathing facilities. This is to keep her in good health, not just comfortable, OK, adequate, fine or whatever.

I'm really sorry, but the care she's getting now is not good enough.

Elderly people if mentally competent can choose how they bathe/ heat themselves the same as younger people. SS can't wade in and insist granny has someone to shower her once a week. If she decides she wants a walk in shower downstairs and someone to bathe her regularly (she may have to pay towards these) then they and OT can facilitate that but elderly people can choose to live in squalid conditions.
SS can become involved if the OP thinks her parents are deliberately keeping granny in undesirable conditions when she'd rather spend money on a shower/ heating/ move elsewhere/ carers because then that is elder abuse and it happens fairly regularly when younger relatives won't spend money on older relatives for fear of losing their "inheritence". It sounds as though there is an element of that here.

And have you asked her about the toilet situation? All the information seems to be coming from your dad who I wouldn't trust an inch.

Course GM is happy with her care. She's got everyone dancing around her without it costing her a penny.
Btw if you want a social services assessent you will have a wait on your hands, the sooner the ball is rolling the better. If you contacted them on the 2nd January they won't turn up on the 3rd!

But it seems that your grandma is happy with her care as currently provided by your parents your sister and you. However, you are not in a position to provide this care, and it doesn't seem that your sister and parents are capable of providing care without your help.

Also, if grandma doesn't want to be a burden, it may be that she doesn't feel that she can ask for any changes, or be aware that there are other options available.

Given that your parents aren't really capable of understanding, for instance, that Christmas holidays do not equal fabulous opportunity for you to care for your grandmother, is it possible that they are also equally oblivious to your grandmother's needs?

Anyway, agree with others, don't engage, be broken record.

I would wonder if your GM is saying she is happy with her care because she is scared of any alternatives. The care she is receiving is barely adequate in my view and I cant see that SS would agree with you either.

Washing in a bucket, defecating into plastic bags, and in a house that is barely habitable is NOT a good standard of care in my opinion.

Your parents should be ashamed of themselves for the way they are treating an old lady.