To be not entirely keen to look after my Grandma

[StWinifred]

My Grandma is 100 years old and rather debilitated, although fully compos mentis.

She was being looked after her by her son, who had lived with her for decades. He had a heart attack in the 1980s and I think the strain of looking after his Mum did for him, and he suffered a fatal heart attack in July.

Since then my parents has been looking after her, in her home, which is a largely original 1930s house.

She went to stay with my parents in their own home (an hour or so away) for a few days a month or so ago. She found this a bit disorienting but they were grateful to get home; this was curtailed when she had to go back home for medical appointment.

A few weeks ago my parents wanted to go away so they asked if I could help, I said she can stay here (in our hours for a week), but there's no way I can go there because of various prearranged commitments locally, school, etc. They didn't think this was a good idea.

My sister proposes early on that she should stay in her home as she has been in the area since birth. My sister has been with her partner (she doesn't believe in marriage I think) for a decade and has no children (doesn't believe in this either). Her idea was that we (my parents, my sister, and I), should look after her a couple of days per week each.

Due to work/childcare I can only do this over the weekend. Last weekend I headed there at 6pm (takes about 1hr 45 to get there) on Saturday and got back home at 5:30pm on Monday to pick up the kids from school. My sister was there from 6pm Monday till 8am Wednesday, working from home Tuesday, and I think planning to on Wednesday also in future, though she had a meeting on Wednesday so left early - in future she might be there until afternoon/evening though.

My father said he thinks I shouldn't go every week on Saturday as it would be disruptive to our family. I haven't made any commitments.

Anyway he called on Tuesday to ask what time I was coming on Sunday, and I said I didn't know I will let you know at the end of the week. He called me today at 11:30pm to ask the same, sorry I don't know, does it make any difference? Well we were thinking of going away for a couple of days, he said. Oh really?

He then sent me a rather nagging email saying they would appreciate a routine, and also could you come round and stay with the kids during half term to balance your sister's 'input'? (My DH has work to go to, locally, so it would be me + kids.)

I replied saying sorry I can't give you a routine after only one visit there, it ain't routine yet, and I'm not about to promise to match my sister, what she does is what she can do, and she's got her circumstances and she mine, and actually I didn't really feel the house was suitable for kids when I was there.

Grandma can't make it up the stairs, so she sleeps in the living room, and there's no toilet down stairs, so there's a commode there. She's got severe incontinence so lots of pads to dispose of, plus the commode to empty. She tends to fall over and she can't be left alone at home for more than about 2 hours. She needs her breakfast, lunch, dinner prepared, plus tea, drinks, etc.

They've been in this house for nearly 3 months now and they have no bed, just two very old 'small single' mattresses on the floor. Apparently they ordered a bed from Homebase but it takes 3 weeks or something? Anyway, I thought this was ridiculous, so when I was there on Saturday I went to a local shop and they said they could deliver a bed on Wednesday. Passed this information on to my father and apparently he couldn't get through to them on the phone, so er, still no bed for me to sleep on this weekend.

There's another empty bedroom for the kids (but no bed) but the window frame is rotten and there's a hole in the window.

My DH doesn't like this arrangement at all, and thinks Grandma should go live with my parents, and that it's their responsibility to look after their mother.

My father OTOH seems to think that its our collective responsibility (the four of us being her only direct descendants), and on that basis I should tell him what I'm doing and when, and not only that but try and 'make up' days that I haven't done (when compared with my sister) because childcare in the week is not practical.

I have told him several times that my DH is not really happy about the situation/disruption to family life (e.g., last Monday and foreseeably all future Mondays was disrupted because I had to get up at 7am to give Grandma her breakfast, after she was up till 00:45 watching TV the night before, and then I had to cycle 12 miles to get to the station to get home, and was way too knackered to cook a meal for the family, or to work with my DS on his 11+ preparation), but rather than taking the attitude that 'you are helping out, thank you very much', it seems to be more a case of 'why aren't you doing more'.

I am not really sure if IABU to be resentful of this attitude.

My parents have never told me what they are doing in advance, they will just do it on the day, and I have followed their lead, so if they want to know for instance what we are doing in half-term, I will tell them the day before, because that's when I will know myself. If they want to go away or something, then give me the dates and I will try and help, but it seems like they just want to go and do some gardening at home, ok well you don't need two weeks notice for that do you, and actually perhaps you can get a bloody bed in before I come round again.

I meant grandma. Sorry typo!

Two months on and this poor woman is still in a cold, smelly house, washing in a bucket and shitting in a bag.

Unbelievable and criminal IMO.

You have my sympathies OP but I think it's awful that still nothing has been done to help your grandma. Why haven't you just called social services?

good on you stwin, I hope that kickstarts your dad into action. poor grandma, but she cant go on like that, and more to the point nor can you!

Good for you & I hope that they take notice.

It´s horrible if all of this is with the thought of as little as possible of GM´s money being spent.

Good on you. Now you need to be strong and not give in to any pressure. Just keep repeating like a broken record
" I have to care for my children. It's not fair on them or DH. They are my first priority"

Good email, OP. Let's hope it has some effect, and don't go back on your word. Did you send it?

StWin, if nothing more is done as a result of your email, then I really think you have to call SS. Your grandma deserves better care, better living conditions and more dignity. Really. If this continues then it would not be unreasonable to call the police to investigate neglect. She can't go on like this, it's not fair, it's not dignified and it's not hygeinic.

great message, well done. Hopefully this means your Grandmother will get decent care for the new year.

Great email. You've shown courage in sending it; it's not nice having to tell your own dad home truths like that. But you know it's the right thing to do - for your gran's sake.

Good luck. Don't expect a positive response - I'm sure your dad will be very defensive and will then enrol your sister in "justifying" the status quo.

But you've come up with constructive solutions. It's up to him now.

Good, I think that you need to be clear to your parents and sister that if granny is to stay in her own home then your mum and granny need to discuss what care she needs and that you are NOT prepared to be one of the carers as you don't have time to do a caring job on top of your other jobs. Your mum needs to stop being wimpy and dumping all the decisions on your dad who seems to be being a spokesperson rather than your mum as next of kin.
You decide what your involvement will be and stick to it. If your sister chooses to do more that is her choice, it isn't necessarily being a martyr she may enjoy it. There are plenty of private carers out there.
Make it clear you will visit granny as her grand daughter but not as her carer and ask them to stop trying to involve you in a caring rota you want no part of as your choice would be to sell the large house and have her in a small easily manageable sheltered housing complex with a mixture of private carers and family members keen to do caring (or whatever your choice is).

Well Done OP, hope you get something sorted.

I must be coming at all this from a different place because I'm at that email: 'you and Mum should be in your home'. Really?! You have the right to tell your mum and dad where to be when they don't even have the right to ask you to make a firm commitment about when you're visiting?!

It's quite clear you don't want to be involved in the caring rota and that's fine because you do have other commitments. However I don't think you then have the right to dictate how others manage that caring or their rota.

Your lack of empathy for your parents made me sad. Of course your gran acts differently with you than she does with your dm. Mothers and daughters have completely different relationships than grans and grandchildren. Yet you can't see that. It has to be that your mum is misjudging her own mother.

This is obviously a stressful situation for everyone but you're not helping either your family or yourself. Hopefully your email will have taken you off the carer's rota and that will allow everyone, including your gran, the space needed to determine the best way forward.

I am sure various things will go through his mind, firstly:

'hmm, £760/week, what a lot of money'.

then 'I'd better just stay here then, I don't want to waste all that money'

and possibly

'what if we get my sister to do it for say £380/week'

but of course it would be unreasonable to pay her to look after Grandma.

and then it ends up with the same situation we are in now.

but hopefully I have spelled out a bit clearer the situation that they have placed me in.

I will probably need to say the same to my sister as well.

Feisty I am not dictating anything.

Clearly my parents want to be in their home more often, because they keep trying to get me stay with Grandma so that they can do that.

It's possible for them to be in their home exactly as often as they like, but it will require paid, professional care.

If they didn't want to be in their home, they wouldn't keep asking me to come over would they?

E.g., next week my sister is there Monday and Tuesday, and they are asking me to come Wednesday and Thursday, in order that they can spend an extra 2 days at home.

This exact same service could be provided by a paid carer.

It is not my responsibility to do it.

It isn't your responsibility to do it. Of course it isn't and they're wrong if they are making you feel guilty because you're not doing as much as them.
I've been in this situation so many times (grandmother; df, mil) and depending on the time it was in my life, I either played my part in the rota or said 'no I can't because I have ds and he is my priority just now'. However, once I took that position, I felt I then had no right to suggest how they dealt with the situation.

I just wanted to make it clear that I am not being unreasonable/selfish, and that it's for their benefit, not just mine..

Plus I know full well that my Dad is a miser and won't want to pay for this, and will happily sacrifice whatever else in the pursuit of saving what is a lot of money.

YANBU. No way would I do it. The utter selfishness of some some older people who expect family to provide 24 hour care and the ridiculousness of the living conditions they are prepared to endure (washing out of a bucket ffs) just because they won't fork out!

I may be judging wrongly, but if the experience of many elderly patients I have nursed is anything to go by your GM is probably worth thousands......and that is the real reason your family is so desperate to keep her at home.

I've been following this thread since the beginning, and it's so frustrating for you because nobody is actually doing anything to change the situation - and by 'nobody', I mean your very annoying parents. Your grandmother wants to stay at home, but they won't change her living situation (downstairs toilet, clean the damn place up and make it habitable); they won't pay for carers; they won't have her to live with them; they won't consider a home. They are going to have to step up to the plate and sort something out, and pronto. It's intolerable for everyone at the moment.

Of course it's not your responsibility, nor should you ever let them or your sister make you feel guilty.

Phone SS StWin. Get them involved and the whole thing resolved.

It's not your dad's money that's going to be spent, or your mum's. Have they already decided that it's theirs? Before your gran has died, let alone the Will having been read?

Please get your gran looked after properly, by professionals who know how to do it. Please phone SS.

Sorry, I redacted my earlier email, left my GM's postcode in it.

Here it is again:

'It seems you had already told sister I was coming, it would have been polite to confirm FIRST.

Anyway, I think that I have not been direct enough previously.

The present arrangement is not reasonable and it is high time that something else was put in place.

From what I can see you have no desire to spend half the week or more in Grandma's house, so there is no other option but to engage professional care, which obviously Grandma should pay for. I had a quick look and there are many professional options out there, and you have not spoken to even one of them. 178 providers within five miles listed here www.cqc.org.uk/public

I enjoy spending time with Grandma, but I deeply resent being railroaded into doing so, as is happening again and again, e.g., my sister emailed me yesterday not only asking about her dentist?s appointment next Wednesday, but also what I am on doing on the 5th of 6th of January because she might need to change her working days (the relevance of which to that weekend is not clear). I do intend to do something on my anniversary, but at this point I don?t know what, and it?s not something I?m going to think about at this point.

Anyway, let us draw a line under this now, I have repeatedly made suggestions, which have been brushed away, while you still continue to call me to look after Grandma, so there is clearly no sense in me continuing to enable this as otherwise there will be no attempt to make more reasonable arrangements.

I was intending to coming round next week, but I don?t want to continue to be the enabler of this situation, which is not reasonable for you and Mum, who should be in your home, and is not reasonable for me either.

I just spoke to a lady here: www.bluebirdcare.co.uk and she said that they could come around and discuss immediately and make arrangements perhaps after that. (£760/week for 7-day-a-week live-in care, 2 weeks with one carer, then one week with another, just to let you know)

There are many other options.

Let me know how you get on.'

STWin, good email.

Anyway, my Mum replied to that, saying

'Dad told sister you might come on Wednesday, not that you would.

She sent a list of dates and he was trying to see if they'd work. She said she could be there 2nd-4th January and he asked if she could there be on 5th instead, as that is your wedding anniversary, and he was not going to ask you to be there.

That is what led to her asking you about that weekend.

We are not responsible for what sister might decide to do or say.

Just for interest, grandma has been very happy indeed with the arrangements made for her and has frequently said so. i am only saying that in case she hadn't told you personally.

I was going to ring rather than email but felt it would not be successful and I regret not having rung over the last few weeks.'

I replied saying:

'Regrettably sister has the unfortunate habit of nagging/lecturing me, as I am sure you are aware, and obviously nothing I do will ever be sufficient for her, not withstanding that it is absolutely not usual for grandchildren to care for their grandparents.

What she wants to do is up to her, but I am not able to continue with this arrangement, which is not viable for us, and given that I am being asked to come round more often than I am able, clearly not ideal for you either.

I am very happy spending time with Grandma, and she is entirely appreciative, but given that

(a) Every time I speak to Dad it is inevitably concerned at some point with asking me to come over to care for Grandma, and this hangs over the conversation like a fog
(b) It has led to this present exchange, which would obviously have been better avoided.
(c) There is a sense that I am being pressurised into things, e.g., coming round next week; this is in fact not unique, but happens every time I am spoken to, e.g., before I saw Grandma the previous two weeks, the scope of what I was asked to do by Dad on the phone i.e. a full weekend in two weeks? time then became, without consulting me, a full weekend on both the subsequent weekends, with further obligations e.g. in terms of suster getting home before dark; and now, apparently, to fit in with her dental appointment next week.

what should be purely a social occasion between me and her, a chance for me to spend time with my very elderly grandmother, is accompanied by an unwelcome sense of resentment, and it is for that reason that I have to end my involvement with this arrangement, and hope that it will spur you, as I have suggested before, to find a carer who can look after Grandma and allow you to regain some of your independence, e.g., perhaps you would appreciate being able to see your grandchildren on a weekend, which hasn?t been possible in the last weekend.

It is obvious to me that without me saying this there will be no change otherwise to an arrangement, which, at present, is ideal for nobody.'

To which my mum has replied again

'If you had been unhappy at being asked to care for grandma I wish you had said so. Whether it is usual for grandchildren to care for their grandparents I don't know. The arrangements so far have obviously been very unusual due to the circumstances, but very good indeed from grandma's point of view. I don't know why you say they've been ideal for nobody.
Our main motivation was to keep grandma at home, (stating the obvious I know).

I cannot comment on conversations you've had with others, obviously.

Will stop there.
'

So I replied again:

'I don?t think the circumstances are unusual at all, vast numbers of elderly people find themselves needing care as they get older.

I am not sure why you are surprised I didn?t say anything (except that I did, and asked Dad to look into other options, but he brushed me away and said something like ?in six months?), it is hardly easy for me to do so when I am being told that I am the only one who can provide you with a weekend off. While I agree that you need a break, in fact there are many, many home care options that will allow, as we agree, Grandma to stay at home, and also provide you with that respite, so that wasn?t true.

I don?t think it?s ideal for Grandma to be going to the toilet in the living room, and have said so; there are other adaptations needed beside this. Obviously Grandma is happy to be looked after in her home, but from what I can see she gets better conversation out of the hairdresser than me (not much I can do about this, sorry), and the idea that care can only be provided by family is clearly wrong.
'