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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry that my new career may embarrass my dd?

35 replies

Quasimodo · 11/10/2012 21:27

ok...ive decided i want to do a PGCE to teach secondary, so i have started volunteering at dds primary year 5; she is year 3

i have a physical deformity which is not blindingly obvious immediately; some people notice it straight off, it has taken some friends a couple of years to notice Hmm (they could be being polite i suppose. but its ugly, and getting worse with age

ive spoken to dd about it before; she looks blank and doesnt know what im taking about. i suppose ive always had it and always been her mum so maybe she doesnt see it

anyway some of the year 5 kids have noticed. some have asked me about it politely and some have expressed a bit of horror/disgust.

im worried that this is going to lead to problems/embarrassment for dd. And am considering not doing the PGCE afterall

its more WWYD i suppose? how would you handle it?

OP posts:
MummysHappyPills · 11/10/2012 21:29

Please don't let something like this hold you back. Dd seems completely unfazed by it, and the other kids only curious. Good luck, please follow your dream. Smile

Original poster
Quasimodo · 11/10/2012 21:31

do you think? im worried the comments will be crueller in secondary...i suppose its likely we wont be at the same school...but i imagine as a teacher i will earn the obvious nickname, and the kids will be in the same community/area as us...Confused

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 11/10/2012 21:32

You have built a good life for you and your family despite the 'deformity', and people who know you (who are the ones who really count), love/like/who you are - and maybe respect you a little more for what you've had to cope with.

DS was born with a pretty bad cleft - it is noticeable, and he's been through loads of ops etc., but people who know him see past that. He is very happy to chat about what the problem was with those that ask (and very happy to say he's a boxer to those who mock!! Blush).

Your DD will always love you and I'm sure will grow to be increasingly proud of you. Just show her that nothing will hold you back!

DoIDare · 11/10/2012 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loobylou222 · 11/10/2012 21:34

I'm sure your daughter won't be any more embarrassed than any other child if their mum worked at school my mum worked at mine and I hated it!

Regarding what the other children think, I would hope that they have been brought up not too judge upon appearance and I'm sure your dd is mature enough to let it go over he head, I say go for it! If its really what you want to do you will all be happy in the long run!

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2012 21:36

As a teacher, you will get a nickname regardless. As a nice/effective/great teacher with a 'deformity' as you put it, you will be teaching the children something much more valuable than you can imagine. Think yourself inside the head of the gay child, the insecure child, the child that is self harming... they will see you up there, doing your job and it might make them a little bit braver or happier.

FreudianLisp · 11/10/2012 21:36

Go for it! You're a far better role model to your DD if you do than if you let this worry hold you back. (Easy for me to say, I know.) She'll respect your strength if you achieve your dream. Would you want her to hold herself back and hide away if she had a physical problem?

Acepuppets · 11/10/2012 21:39

I should imagine that by now you can deal with anything any one says and this strength will help your daughter (if it does ever worry her - which is unlikely). Children give anyone lacking in confidence a hard time so any kind of deformity would be accepted if it doesn't bother you. Go for it you will be really surprised that children don't always react in the way you would think. Good luck you will inspire the children:)

redbusandbigben · 11/10/2012 21:40

Thought you were going to say you were becoming a naked mud wrestler and appear on the front pages of the tabloids!

Why is doing a PGCE going to embarrass your DD?

As others have said it makes you a brilliant role model - go for it!!

(I work in my child's school and a lot of my colleagues have children in the school too, they learn to live with it!!)

Original poster
Quasimodo · 11/10/2012 21:41

thanks all, no freud i wouldnt want her to be held back by anything like this, good point. and thanks mrs T i hadnt thought about that...i will just have to be a good teacher then...i suppose problem arises if i am crap AND deformed! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Quasimodo · 11/10/2012 21:44

yeah ace I am ok with it...i dont like it, and it really pisses me off the days it is painful...but no one can say anything about it that would shock/upset me/hurt my feelings or shake me....i just worry that if all the kids are going 'urrgghhh...look at your mum' to dd, she will resent me being in school...

OP posts:
imperialstateknickers · 11/10/2012 21:47

Teenagers are permanently embarrassed by their parents all the timeGrin.

whathasthecatdonenow · 11/10/2012 21:47

Go for it. You need a thick skin for teaching anyway. For those moments when a kid decides to pick on your most vulnerable feature, perfect a quizzical look and ask 'did you mean to be so rude/unkind' and most of the little darlings will get all flustered and shut up. The others will just swear at you and do a runner.

waitingtobeamummy · 11/10/2012 21:48

I work in a secondary school and yes they do come up with nicknames, they pick up on things that set you out as different, if their isn't.anything they make things up. However, once you get them on your side they are loyal to the end. They will support you unconditionally with other students, offsted, anything they can. What I'm trying to say is go for it, their are swines but they are swines no matter what you are like!

godzuki · 11/10/2012 21:48

I was trying to think how we'd have reacted at school to a teacher with a deformity and then it suddenly occurred to me that one of the most popular teachers in the school had a problem with her spine and a very pronounced "hunch". It was mildly interesting to us for about a week as eleven year olds but then it was just part of who she was and we loved her for being a good, kind teacher. I genuinely don't think it's something we ever thought about and it would never have occurred to us that her children would be embarrassed. Be yourself and go for it!

purplehouse · 11/10/2012 21:55

Your dd might be embarrassed by your choice of clothing or something teenager ish like that but it is unlikely that she will be embarrassed by whatever it is you are worried about. It is more likely that she will put any teasers in their place.

GhostShip · 11/10/2012 21:58

Go for it!

Don't let anything hold you back OP. Your DD should be proud of you, and if she isn't at first she will be for not giving a fuck what people think and doing what you want which is being a bloody good teacher.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2012 21:58

True, Quasimodo, crap and deformed would be a problem Grin. You may have to develop a 'story' or a funny comment you use to deflect. Normally IMO these develop over time.

For example, I have an accent and when I run training, someone always mentions it. My way of dealing is to look confused and say, "I don't have an accent, all of you have an accent". Doesn't sound funny but it breaks the ice makes it a non-issue.

AgentZigzag · 11/10/2012 21:59

I only stayed as long as was possibly needed when I picked up/dropped off DD1 at primary, but I've been apparently called all sorts by the children there.

Vampire, weird, Michael Jackson lookalike (had a really good laugh at that one) and I'm evil apparently Grin (DD actually warmed to the vamp accusations after she'd got into Twilight Grin)

My crime is I'm an ex-goth who still has the pale make up/lippy but wears jeans/t shirts.

By the sounds of it I wasn't the only mum the wolf pack went for.

I'm not saying your DD will get it anyway Grin but rather it's not something you need to worry about for her. I love it that she looked blank and didn't know what you were on about when you tried to talk to her about it, she sounds lovely Smile

stealthsquiggle · 11/10/2012 22:04

TBH, in primary - not an issue. In secondary - it would be nothing to do with your physical appearance, your DD, like any other teenager, would be embarrassed by your very existence. I say this as the child of a teacher who, whilst she was an embarassingly "involved" parent (not the done thing in the 70s/80s) did at least have the grace not to teach in the same school that any of us were in once we were in secondary (although she did join my old school the term after I left, and got told all sorts of stuff about me that I could have lived quite happily without her knowing Hmm)

So - all in all - absolutely go for it, DD will be fine.

Original poster
Quasimodo · 11/10/2012 22:08

ahh...thanks all. you have reassured me through my wobble Smile

OP posts:
missingmumxox · 12/10/2012 00:01

the embarrassment is you as Mum or Dad being in School, the "deformity" especially if lots of people don't notice it is probably due to it is not as obvious as you think it is, and B/ most of us are not as observant as we like to think we are,
I was once mentor to a Nurse from overseas, observed her working over 6 months day in day out, taught her things she hadn't done before, got on really well with her, it was just before I left so a year I had known her, and I had just come back from annual leave and I was chatting away, had to do a blood gas from an arterial line, I was telling her I hated coming back from A/l because I always turned the tap the wrong way the first time after a break (don't worry it is not a terrible thing to do, just annoying to make the mistake) but today was different, I would do it right, I started to turn the tap and she leaped to my side and put her hand over mine and turned it the other way, we burst out laughing, and I looked down at my hand to see for the first time hers, she had 2 fingers and a thumb, after that shock I realised she had scaring to her hand, brought me up short, that I had never noticed it before.

Leena49 · 12/10/2012 02:16

It's how you handle the comments really. My friend has dwarfism and teaches and kids think she is cool as a cucumber.
Personally I wouldn't teach in a high school in the area I live but we are in a big city so can choose.

quirrelquarrel · 12/10/2012 07:49

Oh OP......the name Grin you have a sense of humour, you'll be fine

Don't worry about this for another second....it's their problem, not yours. After the first few comments (if there are any at all) your DD will know how to reply to them, since they're unlikely to be that original, and that'll be that. Probably she'll gain from the whole thing. Chin up, you'll be fab.

HappyJustToBe · 12/10/2012 08:42

Don't comment on anyone your DD has a crush on in the hearing of others and you'll be top notch.

Whatever you do will be embarrassing to a teenager anyway!