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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS's school were OTT to call me about this?

45 replies

2boys1girl1dog · 11/10/2012 18:48

Ok, really weird day today!
First of all I got a call from DS's primary school (he's 10) this morning not long after dropping him off to say that he had been hit on the head.....by a conker falling from a tree!!!..bit random I thought but apparently they have a duty to tell me as it involves his head, anyway that's not the bit I'm asking about but made me laugh!
Then later after lunch they rang me again but I missed the call and only just noticed when I got to school for the pick up. My DS came out visibly distraught and crying his eyes out and his teacher asked if she could have a word. ( I was thinking oh my god surely not about the conker??)
Apparently DS had been naughty at lunchtime and, egged on by other boys ( so his teacher told me) he bashed a yogurt tube thing so hard that it squirted out everywhere including a little girls coat. Now DS has NEVER been in trouble at school before, I know he's not an angel but he really is a very good boy, and quite quiet and shy and just easy going. So I was really shocked that apparently the call I had missed was to summon me to school there and then to discuss the matter!!! Really?? Was it really that bad that I needed to go in? he had to clean the mess up and said sorry to the girl who's coat he'd hit (and apparently she was ok about it) I understand I need to know about it but the way it was dealt with - telling him they were calling me to get me to come really upset him in what I feel is a disproportionate way.
I talked with DS and told him I was really disappointed in him for succumbing to peer pressure as we've always drilled it into him not to be a sheep and a follower- he was really really upset bless him :0(

OP posts:

socharlotte · 11/10/2012 18:51

Maybe they wanted to talk to you precisely because it was so out of character for him.They maybe wondered if there was something going on at home to throw his behaviour of kilter

monkeysbignuts · 11/10/2012 18:57

Lol about the conker!!!
I have only been called in twice, the first time my son had a really nasty fall and hurt his head bad so they wanted me to collect him which is fine.
second time a child had bitten my son, so quite serious incident.
I don't see the yogurt thing as serious as either of the incidents I had to go in for and can't see why they didn't just deal with it and have a word with you when you collected your son?

Original poster

2boys1girl1dog · 11/10/2012 18:57

Hmm I didnt get that impression really socharlotte, although she did say she knows its out of character so maybe?,and they also called the parent of one of the boys who was apparently doing the egging on. Just seems like overkill to me for what it was? Not so much telling me about it but making it sound so urgent that I needed to talk to them during the school day?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/10/2012 19:00

Blimey that's way OTT

How did the school cope before mobile phones were invented ffs?

clam · 11/10/2012 19:01

I think you're cross with the wrong people here. "Bless him?" Your son is 10 and, regardless of whether he's ever been in trouble before (that you've heard about) he behaved badly today.
So actually, if he's upset about it (and at 10 that surprises me) then maybe that'll make him think twice about doing such a thing again.

Goldmandra · 11/10/2012 19:02

If I was the staff member dealing with that situation and the child was generally well behaved I would have asked him to apologise and help the little girl clean up her coat (which is what they did) and I would have suggested gently to him that he learn from the experience and didn't let others push him into doing silly things in the future.

If they were calling you to tell you that he had made a misjudgement, been asked to make amends and clear up the mess but seemed overly upset about it I can understand. Maybe they wanted to let you know in advance that their response had been proportionate because they were surprised at how upset he was. If that's what they did they acted appropriately and YABU.

If they called you to tell you he had misbehaved and they wanted you to know so you could deal with it too they were being OTT and YANBU.

WelshMaenad · 11/10/2012 19:03

YANBU. That is completely OTT of them. By those standards, the parents of the girl who has been systematically bullying my DD for over 2 years need to bring bedrolls and move in. Yeesh.

Goldmandra · 11/10/2012 19:05

The thing is he behaved badly and was upset by the consequences. He clearly learned his lesson, job done. There was no reason to bring it up with a parent.

boredandrestless · 11/10/2012 19:06

I missed the bit about him being 10, was thinking he was 5 from your OP til I saw Clam state his age and read back!

10 is old enough to know that bashing a squeezy yoghurt isn't going to end well. Bit ott of him to be visibly distraught and crying his eyes out about it at 10 too. Are you sure he wasn't putting it on so you'd feel sorry for him?

The conker on the head - yes it is silly to call you but it is a rule in all(?) schools (all schools I've come across anyway).

LynetteScavo · 11/10/2012 19:06

Maybe they think you are a SAHM and have nothing better to do than sit at home waiting to go in and discuss your DS splatting yogurt.

I think a spiky conker could be quite painful if it landed on your head, but I wouldn't expect a phone call.

The things I have had phone calls about include DS1 being involved in a paint fight. DS1 having his face smashed into the playground. DS2 smashing his face into the playground (twice). DD saying she thought her throat was swelling up and she soon wouldn't be able to breath. (She did have history of facial swelling, but she was pulling a fast one that day

One teacher did call me in at the end of the day because DS1 had been rocking on his chair. I did think FFS just tell him off.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 11/10/2012 19:09

Yabu. They might have called you in to see if you would pay for the coat to be properly cleaned, as it will need it if its had yoghurt on it. The fact that you didn't offer and don't think it's worth them calling to discuss is actually quite selfish of you.

That sort of behaviour is not acceptable for a child as old as 10 at school, and apologising and cleaning up the mess he made is the absolute least he should do. Those things aren't punishment, and you think that just telling him that they were calling you was disproportionate?

The reason schools use the 'phoning the parents' technique is that it does upset children, because they know that what they have done is serious. Phoning you is the sanction he faces, so that you can punish him, and all you can do is make out like its no big deal.

Original poster

2boys1girl1dog · 11/10/2012 19:09

Hi clam, no I think you're wrong, I'm not cross with the school at all, just confused!! And yes I was cross with DS and made him cry even more with my letting yourself down discussion :0( and I definately want him to learn his lesson.
Don't understand why you'd be surprised that a 10 year old would get upset about being in so much trouble that his Mum was asked to come to school though... I know I would have been at his age!!! Maybe we're a bit too wimpy!! :0)
And exactly WorralLiberty what did they do before mobile phones? And what if I'd been at work that day etc?

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 11/10/2012 19:11

Before phones and the like schools were allowed to give out detentions the same day, and before that they used a slipper. Phoning you is his punishment, you need to support the school and not allow your child to think that you believe it was an out of proportion reaction. It wasn't.

littleducks · 11/10/2012 19:13

Maybe they thought he had concussion from the cobbler as it was do out of character?

LeeCoakley · 11/10/2012 19:13

If he was hysterical at lunchtime as well as at home time maybe you were called because he wouldn't calm down?

WorraLiberty · 11/10/2012 19:13

I don't think the OP is disputing the fact that what her child did was wrong/naughty

Just why the buggery the school couldn't have waited until pick up time to tell her about it

Phoning the parents should be reserved for needing to speak to them straight away imo.

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 11/10/2012 19:18

If I got called away from work for something like that I'd be furious.

Why on earth couldn't they punish appropriately at the time and tell you after school?

I suppose it'd be ok for them to ring if they must and make DS tell you over the phone what happened, but to call you in is ridiculous.

Goldmandra · 11/10/2012 19:18

Does this school call parents every time a child does something which is unacceptable?

If your DS had been targeting this girl and deliberately squirted her with yoghurt as part of a regular campaign to upset her I could understand it.

If he regularly quirted his yoghurt around and the school's normal behaviour management strategies were not sufficient to stop him I could understand it.

I don't think either of these was the case was it?

If not he got a bit carried away and did something very silly to impress his mates. It went wrong and he got in trouble. The matter was dealt with in school at the time and was over and done with.

Why waste the time of a member of staff to call a parent to discuss it? What can a parent do to usefully add to what has already been done?

I wouldn't phone a parent to tell them that their child had misbehaved, been told off and it was done and dusted. There's no point!

desertgirl · 11/10/2012 19:19

what they did before mobiles was call the mother at home.... and get indignant if there was no answer.

My mother was called when DB hit his head, back in the 70s (I remember the blood!) but was in the garden or something.... anyway, the head expressed some 'concern' that they had not been able to get hold of her. She asked if they had tried calling our father, who was at work, where the phones would be answered... oh no, we wouldn't want to disturb a father at work.

I think things have moved on.....

whathasthecatdonenow · 11/10/2012 19:19

If a child I had punished was this distraught I would be on the phone asap. I'd be concerned that there was something serious going on to result in this reaction, and I'd also want the parents to know exactly what had gone on. I've learnt my lesson from the abuse I had to take from a parent after confiscating a child's drink that they were squirting around the classroom. By 3.35 the parent was threatening to knock me out.

WorraLiberty · 11/10/2012 19:21

desertgirl We're talking about a squirt of yoghurt here...not a head injury.

marbleslost · 11/10/2012 19:26

If a child I had punished was this distraught I would be on the phone asap

Really? I know quite a few dc who don't react well to being told off by anyone but their parents.

Given that he's 10, I'd be annoyed by both of these calls really.

whathasthecatdonenow · 11/10/2012 19:28

He was told off at lunchtime and still crying at the end of the day, so I'd say that is well beyond the norm. Maybe I have suffered worst parents, but the reaction around here to a crying child is to try to assault the teacher!

youarewinning · 11/10/2012 19:42

I agree it seems wierd to ring midday to get her to the school. I think if they were that bothered though they would have retried or at least left a message to call.

OP agrees it was wrong but I'm surprised so many people are shocked at the squirty yoghurt incident. Pupils do daft things like this all the time in school. That's how they learn - by their mistakes/ stupidity. He may not have realised it would burst and if it did how far it would go.

When DS was in year 1 someone told him about 'bursting' his bag of crisps and goaded him into trying. He stupidly did - had no crisps, school explained at end of day why he might be hungry but at the end of the day he'd learnt his lesson, cleared up the mess and has never done it again. I'd have been if the school had phoned me at work to tell me.

fluffypillow · 11/10/2012 19:43

Bless him???????! Your DS did something wrong, and he was punished appropriately. He was upset that you had been informed, as he obviously cares about what you think, and respects you. That is a positive thing.

The School acted in the right way. You should support them imo.

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