Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To think if exp wants dd to look nice he can make a bit of effort himself?

21 replies

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 13:50

As title thread says really, dd (9) out the door ten minutes yesterday and he was on the phone giving off because didn't I know she was off out with his new girlfriend and her parents so why wasn't dd dressed 'nicely'
First of all she is nearly ten and I can't dictate what she wears, secondly if you're that worried about what she will be wearing then maybe you should start putting your hands in your pockets and buy her what you deem appropriate and thirdly dressing dd up and trotting her out to the new inlaws does not make you a great parent, maybe you should concentrate on seeing her more then once a fortnight if you really want to impress!
And breathe...

OP posts:

comedycentral · 07/10/2012 13:54

I agree with you. YANBU. How DARE he?! I hope he didn't make his feelings clear in front of his poor child.

Original poster

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 14:00

Dd wasn't there for his rant thankfully and won't have seen the torrent of abusive texts after, she will however have been treated to some remark about how I let her go out dressed like he was (which was fine in my opinion) so will have been left feeling rubbish the rest of the day, I honestly can't handle him criticising my parenting when he is so rubbish a father to her, pays £10 a week maintenance and sees her once a week and even then usually farms her out to his mum, sends me insane

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 07/10/2012 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 07/10/2012 14:04

does he see her once a week or once a fortnight then?

to be honest, at 10yo you can and should dictate what she wears to a certain degree... she is the child, you are the parent..

I do agree though, if he wants her to be wearing what he deems to be nicer clothes, then he ought to contribute because a tenner a week is fuck all, and an insult to her.

comedycentral · 07/10/2012 14:04

He sounds charming! Flipping heck, he has a nerve he really does. Your poor DD. I would have a casual chat with her to see what he said, don't push her into saying anything but if she does you could try and repair a little bit of the self esteem that he probably crushed today.

nkf · 07/10/2012 14:05

I used to have this - when we were together. Lots of criticism about how I dressed the children. Very critical but deliberately vague so I didn't even know what I should be doing. Totally undermining. He tried it after we separated and I sent an email suggesting he took on the responsibiity of dressing them when they were with him. Haven't heard a word of protest since. Try that.

Original poster

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 14:06

I don't think it is that's Natasha, when I say new it they have been together around a year and me and ex split a number of years ago, I am remarried etc, but he has always had a chip on his shoulder that I ended the relationship and I think uses any ammo he has to have a go

OP posts:

comedycentral · 07/10/2012 14:09

Hmm maybe he feels like he has lost control over the situation and he clumsily tries to be 'involved' by picking out where he thinks you fail? I still think he is in the wrong though.

Original poster

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 14:11

Squeaky he is supposed to see her once a week but as said above usually she stays with his mum every other visit when he has plans.
I dictate to a certain extent as in it must be clean, ironed, weather appropriate etc but imo she is old enough now to decide herself and usually dresses pretty well, also I thought she was dressed fine, think a band type tee, skinny jeans and boots

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 07/10/2012 14:13

That outfit sounds fine to me, and at least she will have a good relationship with her grandmother too by the sounds of it.

I would say "why not ask your mother to take her clothes shopping next time she stays with her"

Original poster

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 14:14

I am really tempted to tell him from now on I won't provide any clothing for her to take to his and he can buy what he likes for her, but I know that wouldn't be fair on dd, he doesn't even keep a change if underwear in his for her :(,

OP posts:

Original poster

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 14:16

His mum is fab and is like a second mum to dd tbh, always buying her bits and pieces and sees dd at least twice a week anyhow, I think she tries to compensate for exp being so rubbish

OP posts:

VBisme · 07/10/2012 14:25

If you send her clean, washed and presentable then your job is done.

My husbands ex sends the step kids in old, dirty, small clothes and they only shower ever 3 days, so we always plan time in to take them home and get them showered and changed before we go anywhere.

Perhaps you could suggest that he has her 30 minutes early if he wants to make any changes to what you've dressed her in?

Original poster

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 14:30

Vbisme he doesn't have anything in his to change her into, that's what grates the most tbh, he cannot see the irony at all in him moaning about how I dress her when he couldn't even oversee a change of socks!

OP posts:

VBisme · 07/10/2012 14:33

Well in that case tell him to jog on how can he criticise if he doesn't contribute

Titsalinabumsquash · 07/10/2012 14:35

Oh gosh what an idiot! My ex has taken to making the children change into clothes pre selected by him and his gf when they arrive at their flat then changing back into "mum" clothes when they leave. You'd think I was delivering them dressed in bin bags and racial hate slogans or something.

Does he say what he expects her to be wearing?

thebody · 07/10/2012 15:43

Tell him to either buy her clothes he likes to wear when with him or shut the fuck up.

Glad toy have a nice mil and that dd has a good relationship with her.

What does your present husband think of this sort of behaviour??

Original poster

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 16:00

Dh is not happy at all but stays out at my request, tho he is obviously po'd as he provides more for dd than exp ever has.
No he doesn't actually say what he doesn't like, maybe he was expecting something more formal for her tea with the queen dd is back and with a bit of casual questioning we have established he didn't think her coat matched her boots, her and his mum were there for the call yesterday and his mum ushered her into another room when he started ranting :(

OP posts:

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 07/10/2012 16:11

lovely to hear of an ex mil who is lovely.

ask him how much he thinks £10 a week will buy.

Original poster

missmalteser · 07/10/2012 16:16

It pays for her school dinners, that's why he only pays it during term time lol but his maintenance is a whole other thread unfortunately
I think I need to be tougher and not send anything with her from now on so he is forced to provide for her, on the other hand I think why should dd suffer because her dad turned out so useless :(

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/10/2012 16:31

Perhaps you should send him an email just stating facts.

Dd is 10 my only stipulations on what she wears is x y z. If you want her to dress in a certain way when she is with you please provide her with the clothing you see fit and keep them at yours.

I'd keep your phone turned off next time - what an arse!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread