I suspect I will be told I AM, but am upset still anyway.

[Februarytwotimes]

Ok will try not to drip feed.

Have a child with ASD, he is 10. Today we are supposed to be visiting my parents, a two and a half hour drive away. When ds was initially diagnosed they were not very supportive and it took my Dad, especially a long time to come to terms with it. He was quite unkind to ds in trying to prove there was NOTHING wrong with him, he was naughty, just a boy! To be fair my Mum is now fab and my Dad now tries his best.

When we go there DS has a room put aside for him (grateful for this) for him to retreat to whenever he needs to, which is often. We take his laptop. Now I am sure other parents of ASD children will understand. Ds needs his laptop, it calms him, he looks at certain videos, trains, transport, cars etc and it keeps him on an even keel, he spends hours up there in his room, perfectly happy, no meltdowns. Today around two thirds into the journey he suddenly shouted he didn't have his laptop. I knew we had packed it so stopped to check, sure enough, he had brought the wrong bag, similar colour but no laptop .

So I phoned my parents and asked would it be ok if we use their laptop while we are there because ds cannot manage without it and if we can't then I will have to turn back to get his. Being without a laptop is simply not an option, they know this. Ds would be stressed, difficult to keep entertained and manage and would then probably meltdown. My Dad would shout and get stressed and well, you get the picture. Big long pause "well we'd rather he didn't."........... Now let me tell you this, ds treats his laptop as if it is made of diamonds, its is his most precious possesion, he has had it for three years and the only thing that has ever been wrong with it was hard drive issue, which we had fixed, absolutely nothing he had done. He would do the same with theirs.

So anyway I just said, I have to go back and get it then, bye and put the phone down. Turned back at the next exit and now am home and as its late I am not going back tonight. They have messaged asking us to go again tomorrow morning but after a nearly 6 hour drive (what with all the rain, traffic and weather) I don't really feel inclined too, me and dc are knackered and quite frankly I am bloody pissed off about it!

So come on give it to me straight but please do remember I have been driving for 9 hours today, as helped a friend move house this morning before we drove up to parents..........

@MaryZed
Hi, I was reading another post of yours but can't find it now. It was so helpful as I am currently- for the last few years- going through similar things with my DD1 as your DS1. I loved your advice on letting go & will speak to DH about it tomorrow. I dint know if I have the strength & mindset to follow through. I'm so scared for her all the time

YANBU to not be driving back but they aren't being unreasonable to not let him use their laptop. You knew how important the laptop is to your child and you didn't make sure it was brought. To hold them responsible for your mess up is ridiculous

Very random that they are desperate to see their grandchildren, but wouldn't allow something that would make the visit possible

If your Dad does a lot of driving during the week then there's no reason he can't drive to you. Their preference may be for you to visit them, but relationships are two-way streets. They should visit you half the time as well.

@Februarytwotimes If your DS had broken your dad's laptop, would you have paid for a replacement? I know you said you though your DS would treat it carefully, but accidents do happen. If the answer is you couldn't afford to buy your dad a brand new laptop, I don't think it was unreasonable for him to not want to lend it.

@lyralalala

Very random that they are desperate to see their grandchildren, but wouldn't allow something that would make the visit possible

If your Dad does a lot of driving during the week then there's no reason he can't drive to you. Their preference may be for you to visit them, but relationships are two-way streets. They should visit you half the time as well.

I definitely agree with relationships being a 2 way street but speaking as a person who spends at least 20 hours a week driving and I tell you the last thing I want to do is drive to the end of my driveway on the weekend. However, a compromise could be found

I definitely agree with relationships being a 2 way street but speaking as a person who spends at least 20 hours a week driving and I tell you the last thing I want to do is drive to the end of my driveway on the weekend. However, a compromise could be found

My point was that it's not that the OP's Dad can't drive so he could drive to the OP's, he just chooses not to do so.

I'm sure at the end of a busy week the last thing the OP feels like doing is loading 2 kids and a dog into the car. Yet it's expected she does on every occasion.

@lyralalala

Very random that they are desperate to see their grandchildren, but wouldn't allow something that would make the visit possible

If your Dad does a lot of driving during the week then there's no reason he can't drive to you. Their preference may be for you to visit them, but relationships are two-way streets. They should visit you half the time as well.

It's not random. They have boundaries and that needs to be respected. Laptops are expensive and usually have confidential things stored on them. Even passwords can be gotten around very easily even by children.

You know this thread is a zombie thread from 2012

@lyralalala

I definitely agree with relationships being a 2 way street but speaking as a person who spends at least 20 hours a week driving and I tell you the last thing I want to do is drive to the end of my driveway on the weekend. However, a compromise could be found

My point was that it's not that the OP's Dad can't drive so he could drive to the OP's, he just chooses not to do so.

I'm sure at the end of a busy week the last thing the OP feels like doing is loading 2 kids and a dog into the car. Yet it's expected she does on every occasion.

Like I said a compromise can be found

It's not random. They have boundaries and that needs to be respected. Laptops are expensive and usually have confidential things stored on them. Even passwords can be gotten around very easily even by children.

It is random that GP's who know that a child takes care of their things would prefer the OP to turn back, midway through a long drive, than allow the child to use it. They may not be happy about it, but most GP's would allow it.

The fact they wouldn't allow it AND expect the OP to do the drive again tomorrow when they could either have allowed it, or suggested they make the drive for once, suggests they like everything on their own terms.

I can see both sides and i don't think either of you were unreasonable. I have been asked before to let a child use my phone or laptop but both of those are private to me. I also have some work on my laptop which I am not allowed to show anyone and have signed something stating that. My husband is also an artist and I have some of his paintings on there which are NSFW.

It also wouldn't have any child protection stuff on there so wouldn't want that responsibility either.

@myhumps123

You know this thread is a zombie thread from 2012

FFS. I didn't spot that. I'm sure the issue is well sorted by now.

I wish the Zombie warning came up for 10/15 posts after a post is revived.

Zombie thread from 2012.

Still, it's nice Maryz is helping new people, even if it's in a weird time-traveling fashion.

This thread is almost 8 years old....

Just put it down to experience. And make a checklist of the vital stuff like meds etc for long trips & keep them separately, by you, rather than assuming they're packed in with other stuff. As an ex teacher with large number of special needs children,I had their meds & stuff separate & with me at all times on trips to avoid & head off any melt downs .

You definitely don’t have to go - it’s way too much driving, you must be knackered. And tbh if your parents are going to be precious about a laptop that your child can be trusted with, you’re entitled to be precious about not driving half way across the country two days on the trot. You can go and see them soon when you’ve had a break.

Gosh YANBU!!!! No one is infallible and remembers everything all the time!!! Your parents chose not to help you out knowing their choice made your life incredibly difficult.

If they want you to visit their home they have to be willing to help out otherwise it’s not fair on you or your son to disrupt a normal and calm routine.

I would be livid op and certainly wouldn’t be visiting next weekend. They need to know their role is to support you if you’re going so far out of your way.

Ah, bollocks, it’s a zombie. Sorry 🧟‍♀️

Who opened a zombie!!!!

The boy is now 18, I'm sure it has been solved by now.

I really feel for you, OP. I have a teenage son with ASD and really got it in the neck from my family when my son was younger. They said awful things about how it was my 'fault'.

Things are a bit better now but I am hyper-alert for any kind of judgemental behaviour from them and I know the inflexibility over the laptop would probably have me fuming, too.

It must be really tough coping with all your son's issues by yourself and you sound like you are doing a great job. You organise everything you can in advance, you understand his needs and triggers.

Could you have a chat with your parents about it in a roundabout way? Say you're sorry you didn't visit after all but sometimes you get overwhelmed with all your responsibilities? This might gently emphasise that you need support yourself.

I was so confused about the weather forecast 😂