I suspect I will be told I AM, but am upset still anyway.

[Februarytwotimes]

Ok will try not to drip feed.

Have a child with ASD, he is 10. Today we are supposed to be visiting my parents, a two and a half hour drive away. When ds was initially diagnosed they were not very supportive and it took my Dad, especially a long time to come to terms with it. He was quite unkind to ds in trying to prove there was NOTHING wrong with him, he was naughty, just a boy! To be fair my Mum is now fab and my Dad now tries his best.

When we go there DS has a room put aside for him (grateful for this) for him to retreat to whenever he needs to, which is often. We take his laptop. Now I am sure other parents of ASD children will understand. Ds needs his laptop, it calms him, he looks at certain videos, trains, transport, cars etc and it keeps him on an even keel, he spends hours up there in his room, perfectly happy, no meltdowns. Today around two thirds into the journey he suddenly shouted he didn't have his laptop. I knew we had packed it so stopped to check, sure enough, he had brought the wrong bag, similar colour but no laptop .

So I phoned my parents and asked would it be ok if we use their laptop while we are there because ds cannot manage without it and if we can't then I will have to turn back to get his. Being without a laptop is simply not an option, they know this. Ds would be stressed, difficult to keep entertained and manage and would then probably meltdown. My Dad would shout and get stressed and well, you get the picture. Big long pause "well we'd rather he didn't."........... Now let me tell you this, ds treats his laptop as if it is made of diamonds, its is his most precious possesion, he has had it for three years and the only thing that has ever been wrong with it was hard drive issue, which we had fixed, absolutely nothing he had done. He would do the same with theirs.

So anyway I just said, I have to go back and get it then, bye and put the phone down. Turned back at the next exit and now am home and as its late I am not going back tonight. They have messaged asking us to go again tomorrow morning but after a nearly 6 hour drive (what with all the rain, traffic and weather) I don't really feel inclined too, me and dc are knackered and quite frankly I am bloody pissed off about it!

So come on give it to me straight but please do remember I have been driving for 9 hours today, as helped a friend move house this morning before we drove up to parents..........

Well awbless there are about ten other things, specific waterbottle, pjs, snacks, the three books that we HAVE to take etc that I DID manage to remember. I looked at ds's back to ensure his black back pack with lap top was on, which it was, only it was wrong black back pack, not to mention the fact that I have never forgotten anything ds needs in the six years since diagnosis. Kind of think I can be forgiven for this error, just this once, especially in light of the day I had had and that it's ALL down to me ALL of the time as I am a lone parent what do you think?

Thanks everyone else, feel ok about not going though I know my Mum especially will be disappointed . Will go up next weekend.

Don't particularly think I am transferring blame really. Just think they're a bit selfish and not really understanding but as some of you say it's their laptop and its up to them.

YANBU

Stay at home and have a calm weekend.

I have a parent who puts her concern for possessions before showing any sort of love to my 3 DSs. It wearing

And it does sound as if your parents still don't really 'get it' and aren't trying to understand your DS's needs.

No they say my Dad can't make the journey and to be fair he does drive a lot during the week as part of his job.

Things is for 6 years your ds has coped well in their home because you have remembered everything. They probably have no idea of how horrendous it would be without the laptop because they've been shielded from his meltdowns?

Anyhow you would think that the fact that you said you've have to turn back if he couldn't use would alert them to the fact that it was really really needed and just this once wouldn't have killed them!

YANBU to have driven home and stayed home. In fact, it would make sense to arrange another weekend rather than settng off again tomorrow.

but IMO YABU to expect your parents to lend their laptop to your DS.

Me and DH have very differing views on this though. I don't like to let the DC loose on anything as they are harder on them than the adults who have paid for them. But DH sees nothing wrong with letting them play on everything - despite one DC breaking two of DHs expensive (my gift to him) MP3 players, at least one laptop is out of action due to excessive use of the arrow buttons (gaming). He also lets them sit in --the- his car.

People are different in regard to material possessions. I like my stuff to be kept just for me. But some are more sharing and don't mind if anything gets 'used'.

Hope you can fix anothe rweekend up soon to visit.

Understand completely. Ds1 is asd with associated learning difficulties, for his 15th birthday a couple of months ago I got him an iPad. Best thing ever, but if it had been forgotten, then whole weekend would have been a nightmare...for everybody.
From your parents point of view, I am happy to let anyone use my iPad, but my laptop has work stuff on it, and documents that I need to keep secure, so I wouldn't be so keen to let it be borrowed.
So I suppose that puts me on the fence, with splinters in my bum, but I would be resting it at home for the rest of the weekend!

YANBU in my opinion.
My DGC (aged 3) uses my IPad all the time, and only needs supervison with the laptop because mouse control isn't brilliant as used to a touch screen!

Under the circumstances, and knowing how careful he is, I think they could have let him use theirs.

Re-arrange the visit for another time when you've re-grouped a bit.

And can you get DS to choose a new laptop bag or stickers for it so that it is really easily identifiable in the future?

yanbu they are
I don't have a child with ASD but get you. they should have let him use theirs.
I would not go back the next day

YABU if the laptop is so precious u should have checked u had it! It's not your parents fault u didn't double check.
Maybe the have things on their laptop that isn't suitable for DS, maybe it hasn't got child security on.
U chose to turn back. I think after a good nights sleep you'll feel refreshed and ready to make the drive.

YANBU to turn around and go home. My niece is autistic and would have a melt down if certain items weren't there that she expected/needed so I understand completely why you couldn't go if not got his laptop.

Unfortunately your parents ANBU either - I have photos on my laptop which DH and I have taken which there is no way I want anyone else seeing - least of all a child!

Don't think anyone is BU, tbh.
I certainly wouldn't do the drive again tomorrow (and presumably home again on Sunday?), but then I don't think it's unreasonable for anyone to say they don't want other people on their laptop either.
Ultimately, if the laptop is so crucial, then - if you feel deciding whose 'fault' it is, is important, then you should have checked it was there, - but we all get stressed and make mistakes, so I don't see any reason to 'blame' or be cross with anyone ~ it's just one of those unfortunate episodes in life.
Make a date to go again soon

Good idea about the stickers on the bag nanny0gg will definitely do that.

I did double check flojo like I always do, only ds picked up the wrong bag after my double check. I have another child AND a dog and I am alone. Mistakes get made.

I wasn't particularly looking for "fault" just understanding really.

Oh and as it's always me that makes the trip there and it's a loooooonnnng drive, especially on a Friday night, which is when they like me to come so they get two nights with dc.

I wish I could be as perfect as some of you .

I was going to say YANBU but as this thread's gone on I think you are being a bit U, probably because you are stressed out and ratty from the whole episode.

I don't think that Awbless was being particularly unfair pointing out that it wasn't anyone else's fault than yours that the laptop got left behind, and no-one said that that was anything other than human - there's really no need to take umbrage on that point.

Don't go this weekend but don't be too cross with your parents either. If someone asked me if they could have a weekend's access to my ipad I'd feel quite put on the spot, and I'm not particularly precious about my ipad. Who was borrowing or how they were going to take care of it wouldn't really be the thing that bothered me, it would be not knowing that it was completely free for me to use.

I agree with the previous poster who said that had you not asked them in advance but got there and they'd suggested it as a solution you might have had a better result.

Yanbu, i understand 100%

My OP said I thought I would be told I was BU. Personally I would not have a problem lending my things to my child or grandchild, well any close family member really. I am not blaming but I think it was selfish and a bit mean. I won't make a meal out of it, will go up next weekend as I always do and I am sure it will be fine.

Thanks Santa and everyone else who has taken time to reply .

I wonder what is on their laptop .

Though to be fair, my parents are pretty aged and hate any of the grandchildren using their computer, as they aren't very computer literate and are always afraid it will get fecked up. If asked to make a split second decision, they might well say no, but given time they would be fine about it.

Your parents might be the same - they were caught on the hop, so don't be too hard on them - that would make you very unreasonable.

Now go to bed you must be knackered

I AM knackered, just watching Homefront on Sky plus and waiting for ds to fall asleep. Unfortunately another side effect of his ASD is NOT needing as much sleep as the average 10 year old.........oh well.

Oh, God, yes I remember the days when I had to stay up until ds was asleep.

Now, fortunately, he self-regulates his sleep. So I can stay up and mumsnet all night .

Yes but we aren't talking about lending a pillow or some such, we r talking about a laptop. Maybe there is porn on it?
Or some other stuff that wouldn't be suitable for DS.
I don't think u can make some sweeping statement that you'd not have a problem lending things to kids.
I'm sure u r tired and stressed. I don't want to patronise but get some sleep and see how u feel about driving back tomorrow.
I'm a single mum and the thought of a couple of days with my folks fussing sounds like heaven to me!

He'll be up at about 7 tomorrow too.......on The Laptop!!!!!

I wouldn't have a problem, I know this because my kids use my iPad and phone all the time. They are very careful and respectful of them.

Thing is flojo by the time I have policed all of ds's interactions with my Dad it's not exactly a relaxing couple of days. Oh well try again next weekend.

I get how you feel and I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. It's just one of those things.

But I do think that as you are saying that they should understand your ds's needs, ou need to try to understand how they feel as well. It's not unreasonable to not want a child using your lap top. I don't even want my own children using my iPad when I'm not watching, and I don't think that's selfish, it's just that it's a personal think.

Both you and your parents need to be trying to understand the others point of view.