to hate him with every last fibre of my being?

[TCOB]

'D'H has been away most of the last three weeks, during which I and the kids have been ill. He does a shitty little job and claims that he could not get out of the work. I am the major bread winner working f/t. I arrange my work and personal life so this does not happen. He has only called once this week. Major major rows - I do an unfair amount of housework in any case but because he is a man everyone always tell him how amazing he is to 'help' me (nb this involves 'doing the laundry' i.e. his own stuff when he could be arsed). I fucking hate him so hard. I think I'm entitled to feel like I am not loved and I totally being taken the piss out of. I know all our friends and family would agree what an amazing man he is. But I feel like shit. He doesn't even phone to hear about his children the fucking fucker. AIBU to feel this way? I feel like I'm learning something about him - was always so confident that he loved me even though I don't feel the same way, but not feeling it now. Never been so low and angry.

wow. I'm new to mumsnet, and this has got really deep really fast.

TCOB I feel for you hurting right now.

I can't really say much more than that at the moment.

At the moment - my plan is to cry my guts out because I am so wrung out and still feeling hideously sick. Whatever anyone says about him (which to be fair is based on very little so represents a partial view) he has treated me and his children like shit and revealed great contempt for us all. I can accept that I deserve this on the basis we are not fucking Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler - or I can decide that whilst he may deserve better, so do I, and most vitally my children. I may be a pain in the neck and uptight, but hey-ho - I have some admirable points too. Beyond this, I am so horrified by my thread that I wish I had shut the fuck up so with many thanks (sincere tho' this sounds sarcastic) I may gently get this one pulled.

Well done for writing all that.

I agree with cricketballs post,2nd paragraph.
You two had your own equilibrium as you put it. Now you dont.
Time for a proper heart to heart.
I think you need to look inside yourself,which you are doing on here.
And he needs to be open and honest about what he truly wants too.
Oh,and have the heart to heart when neither of you are angry.

YANBU, especially if you are the main wage earner, child carer and chore-doer. You sound as if you are building up anger to do something about it. Its funny how you can sucked into things because everyone else is doing it (ie settling down, getting married...)

He called once this week. But TBH he never really calls. His workmates are macho wankers with SAH wives who are some kind of bloody badge of honour BTW that is NOT a dig at SAHMs, just the way some men carry them like a fucking status symbol as opposed to an equal partner. Or maybe it's just the tits he works with

I've come across this a lot in DH's line of work, and its bloody irritating. Never once have I been asked by one of them what I do for a living (Its assumed I don't work or work for fun when I'm actually a dentist).

Your DH isn't an engineer, is he?

Whatever he is, he doesn't appreciate you, and deserves whatever wake up call hes going to get.

Dont be horrified TCOB
It is perfectly understandable why you are so upset.
You vented,again perfectly reasonably.
We all need to vent sometimes.
Sending hugs and

Oh come on! You admit marrying a man you didn't love, you admit that your priorities are not his and that you expect him to change his values for yours, you admit to thinking nothing of his job or colleagues and yet you expect nothing but sympathy here because he doesn't praise your wallpaper enough? Well grow up OP.

Yes the kids damn well do deserve better - from BOTH of you.

As for pulling the thread because you don't like the responses -

thank you, candied - I'm probably one of the madder ones, but there is a seething undercurrent of people who just understand things and tell it how it is here and I know of no place in RL where you can get such brutal dispassionate feedback. It's wonderful place and this thread however intense has done a lot for me tonight.

Thank you, million, and everyone else who took the time to sock it to me!

I'm pulling the thread because I've had some robust feedback which has really helped, which is now printed up to be pored over, but which I feel is disrespectful to leave up now.

I don't think this is an edifying thread for anybody involved, though again many thanks for everyone who took the trouble to respond.

Thank you

I could answer every point you have made, but the comment that stuck out the most was that you were confident he loved you so much "even though you didn't feel the same way".
Why have you stayed with a man you did not love?
Not only have you wasted both your life and his (incidentally NO ONE has the right to waste another persons life...life is too short to be wasted) but now you are moaning about the fact that he has gone off you and has stopped running after you making you feel worshipped?
Am I missing something or did I misunderstand your comment?
If not, I understand him more than I understand you?
Maybe you need to reasess what you want from life? If your job is that well paid then you can certainly afford to support yourself and as you don't love him you are not losing anything?
OR is it that you DO love him more than you realised and you are worried you have pushed him away and he has gone off you?
If so, get a babysitter, take him away for a night of mad passion to remind him of what he is missing and then continue to make the effort.
Someone has to make the first step here, if you DO love him, would it kill you to show him?
I think you are emasulating him and he is just fed up and wandering off in the direction of his mates, if you love him GO GET HIM LOL.
Good luck, whatever you decide. x

Has he actually called you uptight and a pain in the neck, and similar? Because if so, you might be getting different responses.

From what we know about this guy he doesn't pull his weight around the house, doesn't organise his schedule and he hasn't called home enough this week. I see that these are bad characteristics, and they would rile me as well. I'm not sure why they, in particular, have caused you to react as if he's run off with another woman and done a shit in the laundry basket on the way out. It's like everything's suddenly come to a head and you suddenly find him totally intolerable, but I don't really get why.

Unless there is other stuff you are not telling us about how he behaves towards you, I'm inclined to conclude you're just looking for ways of finding him intolerable. In which case, cut to the chase instead and split up.

Good luck and best wishes,TCOB

Oh well, ok...

Buslady you ensured I finished with a smile - shit in the laundry - now that really would piss me off!!

Good luck anyway.

It's not an edifying thread for you. You're acting like you've been flamed to hell and actually people have been pretty gentle.

Chub I know they have - which is why I have said many, many times how grateful I am for the feedback. I don't feel flamed. I just don't want the thread hanging around. Because had he been here I would have spoken to him. But I don't actually know where he is tonight. Or last night.

No it's shit he hasn't contacted his children. That is rubbish.

Ah. Do you actually have any instinct that something is going on?

You started the thread less than two hours ago - why was it ok then but disrespectful now

Sounds like the end of the line to me. You openly admit you don't love him and don't have very much respect for him. But seem to be very cross that he is not being as attentive as you think he should be.

Why don't you know where he is?
That's awful! x

I think the OP said he's away for work. I was just reacting to the emphasis she suddenly put on "...tonight. And last night."

I started it because I was hugely angry. I started as canvassing opinion. But I gave away more than I meant to because I don't have anywhere else to sound off at the moment. I feel the level of detail I have given is disrespectful as it reflects an intimate part of my life which I'm finding very painful. This is why it's not the same thread as it was two hours ago, Toothie.

He is sparing with the details of his work life. On the other hand he likes to know everything about mine. I don't know where he is. We haven't spoken all week.

Is it possible he's left the marriage then? If you don't know where he is and he isn't in touch - is that why you're so angry - because you suspect he's actually left but not had the guts to end th marriage properly by telling you as much? I would have considerably more sympathy for you in that case!

(Have vile toothache - it's not helping my cuddly side!)