to hate him with every last fibre of my being?

[TCOB]

'D'H has been away most of the last three weeks, during which I and the kids have been ill. He does a shitty little job and claims that he could not get out of the work. I am the major bread winner working f/t. I arrange my work and personal life so this does not happen. He has only called once this week. Major major rows - I do an unfair amount of housework in any case but because he is a man everyone always tell him how amazing he is to 'help' me (nb this involves 'doing the laundry' i.e. his own stuff when he could be arsed). I fucking hate him so hard. I think I'm entitled to feel like I am not loved and I totally being taken the piss out of. I know all our friends and family would agree what an amazing man he is. But I feel like shit. He doesn't even phone to hear about his children the fucking fucker. AIBU to feel this way? I feel like I'm learning something about him - was always so confident that he loved me even though I don't feel the same way, but not feeling it now. Never been so low and angry.

I am upset that he doesn't appear to love me anymore. I might not have been able to love him back as much but as far as effort goes, I have put a lot in. I've never cheated on him.

You sound like you feel nothing but contempt for him tbh. Not really sure where you go from here with outputting a lot into it.

YANBU at being gutted for him not phoning home more than once in a week!!!!!
Nevertheless, YABVU by carrying on like this bold: I was always so confident that he loved me even though I don't feel the same way, but not feeling it now, it is very unfair to just carry on with someone like this. If he is not made of stone he would have realized that you do not love him, and that may be the reason why things are turning like that now, with his bizarre behaviour (not wanting to come back home, maybe?). If you do not love him any more, you better do something about it.

This is bracing but useful - thank you everyone for your honesty. I guess I thought the deal was clear-cut but maybe he doesn't want what I have to offer. I am sick with anger about the fact he doesn't appear to give a shit about his children though. Whatever I do, they are not responsible for it.

Yes, however you may or may not have treated him (which we can't really know, and I guess it's not entirely fair to judge from a post which reeks of anger), it is pretty unforgiveable of him not to be in touch with the children.

Did you realise how angry you were before you wrote that opening post?

I am upset that he doesn't appear to love me anymore. I might not have been able to love him back

imagine how he feels?
Knowing that this is how your relationship is and you are happy with not loving him back.
I can't imagine living with dh hoping he one day loves me like I love him.

Fwiw, your OP does sound bitchy. But maybe because that's because you are so angry. You sound like you resent him and I think he possibly does. That's why he wants to go away.
Maybe he doesn't want to sit in a lovely house with a wife who doesn't love him and thinks she is too good for him. I know I would.

Yes, regardless of your relationship he should be calling for the kids. Yanbu about that.

yanbu yanbu yanbu!

(is that clear enough?) tell him to sort his act out! you do not deserve to be treated like this.

I have no idea whether its unreasonable for you to hate him (shitty little job sounds so unkind though) but you shouldn't hate your husband, or rather you shouldn't be married to someone you hate. Sounds like you feel he's failed to make good on the "deal", although why he should when you've said you don't really love him I've no idea.

I don't think I am too good for him, sookie - I have been told many times of the years how very, very lucky I am to have him, as if I am some fucking freak who should thank God on her bended knees that he will have her. But you know what? He is not that bloody perfect! And on what grounds is it okay to not give a shit about your children? He tells me I am mad when I ask him to do more housework. He will say to my face that he has done stuff that he hasn't. HE IS NOT BLOODY PERFECT.

candied I'm getting angrier if anything. I have put a lot into my marriage and I can't believe the basic fact that he has pissed off and left me to it is fair.

I am a little confused here.
Are you beginning to realise you love him more than you realised.
He has pulled back from you emotionally,and now you realise you actually do love and care for him,quite a bit more than you realised?
Or have I got that all wrong?

I also wonder whether he has told some of this to his workmates,and they are egging him on to seperate from you. And to some men,that means seperating from the children too,as they cannot take the hurt involved,and find it easier to try and make a,as they see it,a clean break?

million I don't know. In theory I think I would be fine without him - he's not the love of my life or anything. But I've always that 'grand passions' and marriage are not natural bedfellows in any case. I feel mistrustful of crazy love and don't see what place it has in a sensible marriage. SO yes I haven't offered him that, but we had friendship, laughs, and two gorgeous children, plus he knows what I put into making his and our life comfortable, clean and lovely. If he just wants grand passion then frankly he can fuck right off - I offer something real and safe and secure, but he just throws it back in my face. Yes I do think he should be grateful for me; God knows I've been grateful to him in the past for being a decent father and kind man. I'm tremendously hurt that the many good things I offer him (not least of which is our children) are not worth valuing.

His workmates are a bunch of tossers. His boss asked him how much money it would take for me to give up my career and stay at home so he didn't have to do any childcare anymore .

op,sorry for all the questions.
I still feel a little more confused actually.
If it is ok to ask,
could you like to say a little about your upbringing ,and your mum and dads marriage?

Its just,this all sounds a bit like,you see marriage as some sort of contract?
Do you work in the legal profession?
Do you and DH have a prenup?

OP I have never said he is perfect.
But your OP comes across as someone who can not believe they have been abandoned (physically and emotionally) by someone beneath them. That's how it comes across. You talk about his shitty little job and how you earn all the money, the impliaction bring your job is more important (and people would be rushing to flame a man for saying that).
What I am saying is that I think you resent you are no longer in the power position and sent resents you for making him feel hr is not good enough.
Also your priorities (is the nice house) may not be his. He may want the crazy, adoring live that others have. Not just a marriage.

I am not saying you are a bitch, but that the OP came across that way. Imo i think this is thefall out from many years of roblems all built up til you are at breaking point.

I am still confused why you are so angry about a person you don't care about anymore and don't need anymore. People tend not to be this angry about people they are not fussed about.

My mum and dad have been married for ever - mostly miserably. People in my family do not get divorced - FACT. Think I would be shot at dawn if I did. I was not the favourite child (I know, violins, blee blee etc ) so adore it when people appear to love me and will reward them dog-like with dutiful devotion, even if the feeling goes. Slightly neurotic about the perfect home as I am surrounded by SAHM who a little bit older, a little bit more gorgeous, a lot wealthier and frankly terrifying. DH vaguely despises all that kind of thing, and clearly despises what all this means to me. I want a normal lovely home for everyone involved. And that means accepting I am the only one who will ever make the house nice. Which is fine as long as it's appreciated. But clearly it is now NOT. I would love to be at home with my daughter but have a ridiculous compulsion NOT to be like my mother who is terribly inward-looking, insecure, who built her life around her children and now gets her kicks from torturing my dad under the guise of daily interraction.

Phew that's as self-analytical as I have ever been I think!

So you do not love him and never have - and now it seems he doesn't love you and you're the angry one? You had children with him, married him - love was supposed to be part of the deal! From both of you!

You broke faith first.

I think you should do the decent thing and end this misery now. I suspect you'll find he's met somebody else tbh. That's usually the reason men don't ring home. I don't approve of adulterly but loving someone who didn't love him must have been terrible for him.

Christ, no pre-nup! We married brainlessly and joyfully when our DS when one. Poor as church mice, no planning, no thought. He was just a lovely bloke.

I think your last post says alot op.
You crave the love your parents withheld and want to be the one who is the favourite. Who is loved more.

The problem is that on the longterm, relationships like that don't last. Because the unloved person, eventually wants/needs more.

You won't divorce and don't care enough to work at it.

So what's your plan?

"A sensible marriage"??

What's that?

I am not married anymore, but if I were, I highly doubt it would be sensible.

I don't doubt that this man is not pulling his weight, and that you are merely furious, rather than a cow, but when all is said and done, I reckon that being in love with your husband is pretty paramount to making it work.
If you are not then D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
It's not so bad. Everyone in my family gets divorced, and we still rock up to weddings and christenings. The New wife, the old wife, the third husband etc.
Better than this, surely?

They're his children as well, don't forget. You talk about offering them to him as if it's all down to you, but you wouldn't have them either without his input.

I think you need to adjust your thinking to be honest. You are looking at all this solely from your own perspective. It's all about how YOU feel, and what YOU think he should want from your relationship. Wanting a spouse who loves and respects you is normal - it's got nothing to do with hankering after a 'grand passion'. Before I had my children I had a whole series of 'shitty jobs', but my DH was endlessly supportive and loving - he knew I was doing my bit and he appreciated it. Your husband is also 'doing his bit' by going to work, but you don't appreciate it - you seem to resent him for working at all. Would you prefer him to be a full-time SAHD?

A comfortable, clean and lovely life is all very well, but it means very little compared to having someone who loves you, supports you and cherishes you through all of life's little ups and downs. If I had the choice between living in a dirty old shed with DH or living in a lovely house without him, I'd go for the shed every time. From your attitude I suspect you'd go for the lovely house - which must make your DH feel really great about himself.