to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

[SoleSource]

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

This thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_campaigns/1582581-The-End-Violence-Against-Women-coalitions-Schools-Safe-4-Girls-campaign appeared today, hurrah.

Completely agree OP.

When women speak to one another about this it's obvious how many of us have been sexually abused/ exploited/harrassed.

I thought I was going to get a complete and utter roasting asking this question. I feel less alone in my experiences and I hope this thread has helped each one of you that has posted and those that have been reading.

Rape.

Never told anyone. Have refused to let it affect me. Obviously it happened and it will/ does affect me to some degree. Its actually quite a relief to write it down, i doubt I'll ever talk about it.

I have read all the way through this thread.

I am so sad for us all.

I was regularly groped in school as I had huge breasts aged 13. I took to carrying a folder around in front of me so that they weren't accessible.
When I was 16 my boyfriend took my virginity, asked me if he could continue and then said that it didn't matter what I said he was going to finish what he'd started.
I didn't report any of it.
I was groped once in a nightclub quite violently. I was a bit older by this point and turned round and thumped the guy who had grabbed me. He looked so shocked, but I wasn't going to let him do it to me.

My dh on the other hand, I got together with him in a nightclub, we went back to a friends house and stayed the night in the same bed. He didn't mind when I said no, and just stopped there and then. He had earlier in the evening held my hair back whilst I was being sick. So there are decent men out there.

He knows about the previous incidents, and helps me process them when I get flashbacks. I haven't told anyone else though.

Impty and Emandlu I'm so sorry. But Emandhu you've got a good'un in your dh.

I want to cry when I read these posts. I hope something good comes out of the thread.

Thingsthatmakeyougohmmm The kind of embarrassed that made me think he might have done some of the things i mentioned

If you're right, this really underlines how crap and inadequate a lot of the general advice is about sexual assault - stranger danger and all that. It gives "ordinary" men a get-out. They think that because they're not sad, lonely, middle-aged dirty mac wearers they can't possibly be rapists/sexual abusers. And they might well be surprised/annoyed at the suggestion.

I hope something good comes out of the thread.

I like that several people have talked to their DSs/DPs.

I also think people reflecting on their conditioning is useful, and deciding not to put up with it but to do the unladylike thing and make a scene in future. If a woman, even once in a while when she thinks it is safe, turns round and thumps/shouts at/embarrasses the bloke assaulting her, they will think twice about doing it again. The whole point is their entitlement, and their sense that nothing bad will happen to them for doing this - so make something bad happen for them.

YANBU op... though all my experiences had some element of me putting myself in danger, that doesn't mean I asked for what happened or deserved it. I guess, in my case, that I mixed with so many people, took risks (yup, party at the beach with stranger? Such fun!) that it was inevitable that I'd run into some scary situations eventually.

Which is rather depressing isn't it? I can deal with what happened to me, because I know what I was like, I can almost say 'it was inevitable' (Oh I already did) and that worries me. Saying that, my friend, the sensible one, the careful one, the 'safe' one, well she's been a victim too, so I don't believe my once held opinion that if you're careful you won't get into a dire situation.

People who don't care, who don't respect no, who disrespect others... they don't give a damn if you're being sensible or are a party animal...

It has taken a LONG time for me to believe myself when I say regardless of my state, my lack of sense of danger, I did not deserve what happened to me.

My Motjer beat a man with her umbrella after he grabbed her breast on the bus. She was very fiesty. I was there.

What good has come out of this thread? Well I have sat down and had a conversation with both my kids (dd and ds) about being allowed to shout at anyone who invades their personal space. Even if that person is an adult, or a teacher, or a friend of mum. I've also spoken to them about the fact that if someone says no they mean no. Ok, I did it in relation to tickling, but did say that this was the case if you were in someone's personal space for no reason.

I've always told my kids that they shouldn't keep secrets from mum and dad. That if anyone tells them to keep something a secret then this is exactly the things that they need to tell us. So I re-emphasised that today again.

I will revisit this on a regular basis so that my kids are in no doubt that they can tell me anything, and that they are allowed to have control over their personal space.

I am also seriously thinking of self defence classes for both of them.

Yes, I went for an Army medical when I was 17, The female doctor made me bend over her desk with just my underwear on, and then pulled my pants down, and looked up my bum with a torch, she parted my cheeks, and looked, and whilst she was doing this, she asked me if I had anal sex. She then examined my breasts, and whist she was doing this, a bloke walked in and saw me, lying down with my breasts exposed. He causally ambled out. Then she made me stand in the middle of the room in my underwear, and made me stand on one leg with my arms outstretched...... WTAF ??????????

I am now a qualified nurse, and have spoken to Military medical staff, none of them can think of a reason for her doing any of the above. I just accepted it the time, and withdrew my application to join the QARANC.

We must start to learn to speak out if we find a medical professional actions inappropriate. We do not have to carry out their requests.

I am sorry this has happened to you recall.

Guide camp when I was aged 13; 'Right' shouts the assistant Guider, 'New game; you all have to take your clothes off, tie them in a rope. The longest rope of clothes wins, and the first one to come up to me completely naked gets a box of chocolates.'

I'm assuming this would not happen nowadays.

This has got me thinking about an incident with DD1, 6 and another child (a boy) who was 5. They were playing in the boys back garden when the mum of the boy came to my door to say that my daughter had shown him her bum and that he had shown her his "willy". She thought it was absolutely hilarious. I didn't.

I brought DD home and rather than tell her off I reiterated to her that her privates were hers and she shouldn't be showing them to anyone else, even if they asked her and likewise for the boy. She told me that the boy had asked her to show him her bum and to sit on his face(!) And that it wasn't the first time he had shown her his willy and (her words) "I didn't like it mummy".

I thought I would share this with the other mum and all I got was it is kid like, and it's just natural to be curious, you're being a prude. She didn't feel like she needed a chat with him about boundaries and that I was over reacting.

The boy is still going about exposing his willy, he has never done it again to DD but he won't leave her alone out in the street, punching her, taunting her etc, the mother sees no problem with this.

Obviously I can't generalise, but surely this boy won't grow up to respect women and boundaries if he acts like this with no recourse from his mother? I am hoping I am over reacting but I am concerned for this boy if he is not being told about boundaries regarding each others bodies and not to hit girls (or anyone really), what will he think he can get away with when he is older, and what will she excuse on his behalf when he is older?

I know they are children but after reading this thread I chatted to both DD1 and DD2 (3) about their bodies and personal space again, I asked them who is allowed to touch their privates (no one), what to do if someone tries to or does touch them (tell mummy or daddy) and told them that mummy and daddy will believe them if they tell us. Also said that someone doesn't have to touch their privates for them not to like it and they can make a fuss if they don't like what someone is doing.

Sorry, long. I don't know if I have maybe over reacted regarding kids showing their privates to each other, but I would rather instil to them at a young age what is appropriate and what is not.

But to answer the OPs question, I have been raped and most of my friends throughout my life have had abuse or unwanted sexual attention :(. Maybe that's why I'm like this with DDs, but after reading thread I think its important for them to be aware of inappropriate sexual behaviour.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm - I talked to my DP about what I described in my last post on Saturday night. It made him really uncomfortable too but that's because it made him sad and worried to think about be ever having been in that situation. My timing also sucked because I was getting ready to go out clubbing at the time. My DP is a caring, sensitive soul and I can't ever imagine him doing anything like that even when he was young and stupid.

Flashed at in the street, groped in nightclubs. Threatened with rape after getting in a dodgy minicab whilst very drunk, got out of it by giving him my phone.

Also had a friend's dad come on to me repeatedly when I was about 16. Luckily he never actually touched me but he kept trying to pressure me to meet up with him, go for a drink etc. My friend idolised her dad so I just became very busy with school stuff. I told my boyfriend about it and it stopped thankfully.

I'm feeling sad today because I realise I didn't have as much fun as I should have when I was young because I was always wary of men. I went on very few casual dates, avoided being chatted up and dreaded drawing attention to myself in anyway in case it provoked inappropriate remarks or touching. I grew up thinking all men were after sex and nothing else and only recently have I started to realise that men have emotions and feelings and can be heartbroken over a woman. How have I lived my life not realsing that? That men might have wanted to get to know me for myself rather than for sexual gratification?

I think school is the obvious place to make changes - I was sexually assaulted several times at secondary school, actually in school or on the bus, or in the classroom. There was never any indication from the school or teachers that this was wrong and unacceptable. I do hope it is taken more seriously these days.

A neighbour's husband makes suggestive comments to me every now and then. I do this face at him but really it should be this face -
the dirty git. My neighbour is there when he does it, wearing an odd smile. Totally weird.

A male colleague of many years back used to 'accidentally' brush past me and rub against me. We worked in fairly isolated conditions. I tried to report him but the set up made it virtually impossible. Everybody knew people either didn't care or didn't have the power to make it stop. More than once he reported me, mainly for disagreeing with him. None of the things I was supposedly in trouble for ever struck me as worth even a mild telling off, but he had people in his thrall and the bullying culture there was endemic. I used to sit having my tea break, sitting under great big f-off posters claiming that the employer 'would not tolerate bullying in the workplace'. Like feck it would: it enocuraged and enabled it. I was an adult and yet feel that he 'groomed' me - lots of talk from him about how everyone loved him, how he was physically strong and had once physically removed a woman from his presence because she said something he didn't like, lots of talk about how he was more trustworthy than my boyfriend and how I could tell him 'anything'. I was a young adult and not a naive child, so I didn't take him up on his 'generous' offer, but I was frightened of him and got a new job, mainly to escape him. He still works there and is doubtless doing the same old thing. I would not ever, ever want to bump into him and am nervous if ever an errand take me to the village where he lives and yet, you know what? He never even did anything to me. It was the underlying hint of menace that so got under my skin.

This was 14 years ago. I am still angry about it. The 'neighbour with a poor understanding of boundaries' is ongoing. I'm not angry at him, I just think he is a sad, stupid little man. Oddly, if I meet him in the street, he is pleasant and polite. I think he feels he just has to act the twat in front of his wife.

I have just remembered, when I left the horrible job, I went straight into one where I worked closely with a man who was widely rumoured to be 'a bit of a dirty old man,' but there I was regularly asked by others, 'Are you OK? Is he behaving? Don't stand for anything! If he says or tries anything, report him!' He never tried it on and once admitted that a female employee (who clearly depised him) had attempted to shut him in the rolling shelving in the secure document vault and he had had to scramble up the shelves and over the top like a demented squirrel. She claimed she didn't know he was there. He claimed she did. I have no idea, but the idea that he was so easily defeated gave me courage. He did once leave his porn mags out on full view in the office. I told him, 'You've left your dirty mags out on the desk. Nobody wants to see them. Perhaps you should put them away.' He was very contrite. I'm not excusing him, simply saying that he didn't frighten me and the culture there was far less accepting of him than my previous workplace had been of the other man. Still, I guess it tolerated him.

Dd is 9. I don't know if her life will contain similar incidents. Probably. Attitudes have changed but not that much. How depressing.

I was abused by my stepfather when I was 5 until we left (middle of the night fleeing job, me, my mum and my brother) when I was 9. I've blocked out the majority of the incidents but I remember flashes of inappropriate touching and him exposing himself, and I do remember him telling me that nobody would believe me if I told them. He was also violent and thought it was hilarious to make me watch the Alien movies when I was about 6, even though I sobbed all the way through because I was so scared.

I didn't tell my mum about it until I was 13. When I was 14 I started seeing a counsellor and my mum told him about the abuse (against my wishes I might add). He was legally obliged to inform the police, and they came round to talk to me. They asked if I wanted to pursue a case against my ex-stepfather but they did highlight that it was highly unlikely to results in a conviction or even charges, because there was no evidence anymore and it would have been the word of a 13 year old who was already receiving treatment for MH issues against his word. So I told the police I couldn't face taking it any further and just wanted to be left alone. My mum went ballistic over that and we didn't speak for about 2 months.

Oh Ken. :(

I have told my DS (5) repeatedly that if someone touches him in a way he doesn't like and doesn't stop when he says, something is seriously wrong and he needs to tell us right away. (I gave my brother a serious talking to when he wouldn't stop tickling DS...not overly serious I know, but I just don't want those lines blurred at all. If you say stop, the person should stop, end of.)

I tell him that the reverse it true too, that he must never ever touch a person in a way they don't like, and that it is not okay to comment on others' bodies or what they look like.

When I found DH watching porn we had a loooonng talk, and I told him how deeply I feel that porn and lad's mags and strip clubs contributed to the culture that made my rape happen. (Not that I am blaming anyone but the rapist, but YSWIM.) He was completely appalled.

What else should we be doing? What else should I say to my DS?