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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

638 replies

SoleSource · 05/10/2012 14:46

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 07/10/2012 23:29

ithinkimightbegoingmad yes... I had to have breast examination to get the pill at 16 too. I was asked to strip to the waist. The room was dark and I the male Dr had no female nurse to escort him. In fact, I remember him telling the nurse he didnt need her and shutting the door!

thenightsky · 07/10/2012 23:30

And... I remember looking at his face at one point during the examination he had had his eyes shut as he 'caressed' my breasts.

Tressy · 07/10/2012 23:32

I think I was 15 at the time too.

LineRunner · 07/10/2012 23:33

Yep, that's what happened to me - the door shut, no-one else in, 'Slip your bra off.'

Surely I'd have been told what the procedure was going to be in advance by the insurance broker?

thenightsky · 07/10/2012 23:35

Tressy and linerunner... Was this in the family planning clinic? Mine was. In Otley, West Yorkshire.

Tressy · 07/10/2012 23:36

No-one else was there when it happened to me. It was truly awful.

Tressy · 07/10/2012 23:38

It was at my doctor's surgery, not in Yorkshire. The doctor is still alive today. I have heard that it was normal procedure in those dark days of the 70's.

thenightsky · 07/10/2012 23:40

This was the mid to late 70s. I remember he only would write me up for 3 months of pills at a time. Every three months I had to have the breast exam again. After about 3 visits, I came off the pill as it was too traumatic having to go through that every 12 weeks.

LineRunner · 07/10/2012 23:40

Mine was in my GP's surgery a good 17-18 years ago, when I worked down south. The GP though worked for the insurance company (we were getting a mortgage). What my breasts had to do with slightly high blood pressure in pregnancy, I do not know.

The way he examined me has obviously stayed with me for all this time.

I must be able to find out his name. But did he do anything wrong?

thenightsky · 07/10/2012 23:45

My breast examiner must be retired or dead now. He was pretty old and grey in 76.

I mostly remember how dark the room was and wondering why he shut his eyes to feel my breasts and I also remember his very deep noisy breathing.

I have posted about this before under my previous user name.

I wish it didn't keep coming back to me.

LineRunner · 07/10/2012 23:48

I am going to really think about this.

It's the first time I ever articulated to anyone that it was horrible. I am usually always the one with the attitude and the advice...

I am pretty sure that we should all have been chaperoned.

thenightsky · 07/10/2012 23:54

Yes Linerunner, we should have been chaperoned. The nurses knew it, I saw their faces when he shoved them out and shut the door.

LineRunner · 07/10/2012 23:55

Does it still go on now?

What do we do?

LineRunner · 08/10/2012 00:05

Just to say MN (or my broadband) has just slowed down, and it's late, so if I don't come back tonight I will tomorrow and thank you so much to everyone for everything you have posted.

ithinkimightbegoingmad · 08/10/2012 00:10

there was no one else with me when the doctor examined me...but it was a small surgery, with no nurse (branch practice) there was a receptionist though. It was mid-80's...im thinking chaperones were done in the 70s/80s were they? I dont think these minging doctors actually did anything wrong???
the one that did mine is still my parents family doctor. hes pretty rubbish all round

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 08/10/2012 01:15

When i was 16 and pg with DD, i had a threatened miscarriage. My doctor did an internal but it didn't feel right.

Can't believe i didn't think of that sooner. When that kind of thing happens you're so used to the idea as a woman you will be poked and prodded especially during pregnancy, you don't kick up a fuss.
You are also left thinking that maybe its just 'you' reading too much into things.

Well i have had 'the talk' with DS1 because of this thread. I tried to do the same with DP, discuss things, but he seemed embarrassed and wouldn't listen. The kind of embarrassed that made me think he might have done some of the things i mentioned :(

Seenenoughtoknow · 08/10/2012 01:57

God you've just reminded me about an incident with my family doctor about 10 years ago. I had pains in my abdomen, and he asked me to remove my top and bra and sit up on the examination table. He actually cupped each breast as he put the stethoscope below each breast area. I knew it felt wrong at the time :/

CheerfulYank · 08/10/2012 03:24

When I was 18/19 I was too drunk to move and my boyfriend raped me. It was my first time and I tried to say no and push him off. Bled everywhere; very painful. :(

When I was in my early 20's I was at a house party lying in bed (a top bunk) with a female friend. She was on the outside and some man came up and groped her. I switched places with her and when he tried to grab me sexually I punched him square in the face. I don't really "do" violence but, oh, it felt good.

TroublesomeEx · 08/10/2012 04:10

When a thread like this can have so many voices on it, I'm surprised that anyone on MN can post supporting:

Page 3
Porn in general
DH's going to lapdancing clubs
Sexualised clothing for children. Sorry, girls (cos I ain't never seen 'sexy' clothes aimed at boys).

Because it's true, none of those things make some men behave as they do, but as I always post on those threads, there is a discourse in our society of young girls being sexualised. There is a discourse of women being there for sex.

The men I know who don't agree with the above list are few and far between. And fortunately my husband is one of them. I knew him at school so I know his opinions aren't just for my ears/benefit.

But I wonder how many people really don't see the connection.

SomersetONeil · 08/10/2012 04:33

So, so true FolkGirl.

When you have pictures of young girls displaying their breasts over the cornflakes in a national newspaper, how does it do anything but foster a culture where far too many men think women's body parts are just there for the groping?

CheerfulYank · 08/10/2012 05:16

Totally, totally agree FolkGirl.

I doubt very much that the man who raped me would ever think of himself as a rapist. After all the default answer for women is "yes" so naturally it was perfectly okay for him to have sex with me, even though I literally could not move or speak Angry

TroublesomeEx · 08/10/2012 05:36

That's exactly it.

TroublesomeEx · 08/10/2012 05:37
Sad
FrankieMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 08/10/2012 05:53

'I doubt very much that the man who raped me would ever think of himself as a rapist'

That is so so true, and deeply sad Cheerful.

I did date a really 'nice' man, but during intimacy, despite me saying no to a particular action, he just continued... and would then be gentle and attentive afterwards. And that really really does my head in, so much more than the bloke who pinned me up against a wall and threatened me if I didn't comply .

It is all wrong, but 'nice' abusers are sick. My emotional connection with sex is now so badly wired I am not sure if I am capable of linking the two. I am trying to get back on the 'dating scene' and it is a complete disaster.

antsypants · 08/10/2012 06:36

As far as I can see a breast examination is recommended once a year when on the pill, and even then it is not a written rule, you can self exam, so the doctors concerned in the posts above were acting completely inappropriately.

I really stand by the thought that if someone is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have the right to say no, even to a GP, but lots of younger men and women don't have the confidence... After all, these people are charged with looking after us at our most vulnerable, we depend on their knowledge to tell us what is wrong, how do we fix it, sometimes we depend on them to keep us alive.

I remember being questioned in a very in depth way by a GP in my teens, whilst my mother was there about my lack of sex life, I could see that he was excited by it, he flirted with my mother which meant that he could say virtually anything and she found it funny, I was 14 and had just developed asthma, I had been in a serious accident and was required to take a lot of steroids etc so had started to put on weight, I was told by him that sex was better than chocolate, that he hoped I wouldn't lose my virginity to some sweaty teenager and that I should go on the pill to make sure I didn't get pregnant.

I have never had a GP make me feel uncomfortable like that again, I have had both male and female GP's and when I have had examinations, I detected no interest other than professional, and that is with all the baggage and paranoia that comes with being a victim of abuse.

Just wanted to say that because if you feel like someone is abusing you in some way, or being inappropriate, chances are they are... GP's refusing chaperones, closing their eyes, caressing or fondling is not an examination, it is a sexual assault and you deserve to acknowledge this however you see fit.