to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

[SoleSource]

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

I know, Sole, I do agree; but I'd like to see some societal onus placed on men and boys.

OMG I am stunned (and sorry) by all this. I have never, ever been the victim of any kind of sexual assault, and I don't actually know anyone who has. Or at least none of my friends or acquaintances has ever told me. I am shattered to learn it is so common.

I've never suffered any sexual abuse, I would like to consider it 'normal' but feel more like I've been 'lucky'. I was certainly never particularly careful when I was younger, I can think of occasions when I went to a hotel room with a bloke and then changed my mind and left, got dodgy lifts, walked home late at night by myself. So many other people on this thread who've been in similar situations which have ended badly.

I think this thread is relatively representative, my close female friends who I've known for many years have mostly had something happen at some point. I'm guessing a lot of my other friends haven't escaped unscathed, we're just not close enough to have ever talked about it.

I am sorry if this is awkwardly worded.
I can see a least half a dozen descriptions in this thread that have happened to me spanning about thirty years.
This thread is hugely important because we don't talk about these things and if we feel able, we should, even if only on this thread.
Please, please anyone who is wondering 'is it me' it is not you. The person who has done the terrible thing is 100% responsible.
:( :(

Yes, zi agree Linerunner. Women are abusers too sometimes.

I had my arse felt once in a club and grabbed the guys hand, held it up in the air, and said, 'Anyone lost a hand? I just found it on my arse'

I wish i was always that brave i was so angry.. he proper dug his fingers in and sort of underneath

If a son of mine did that i would be livid

Linerunner, I like 'Bring your sons up to respect women and girls. Thank you'

I don't know how many times I have seen this type of behaviour dismissed because it is normal for 'red-blooded males'. This predatory behaviour must not be tolerated.

I'm also shocked most by how young some of the posters on here were when they had these awful experiences, plus how many were carried out by family members. Just shocked.

YANBU

It would be nice to see a campaign focused on men, 'Bring your sons up to respect women and girls. Thank you.' Yes it most certainly would. They need to see every woman as their mum, sister or daughter, and how they would feel if a certain thing was happening to them.

I feel physically sick with anger that this such terrible things have happened to people on this thread... I literally want to get a knife from the kitchen drawer and get revenge on all of them. I don't even know any of you on here, but I am so angry!

I was raped by my exH... only told my DP, who was horrified... gradually told more people. The most unfortunate thing is that some have downplayed what I went through because he was my Husband. He was in the middle of intercourse, which he had pressured me into... when I cried and tried to stop him, he carried on enough to 'finish'. It had been 2 months since I had my DD1, my stitches weren't healed and I was very sore. Thankfully, I felt so disgusted by him, I didn't have sex with really after that. The issues with tensing up before intercourse with my lovely DP carried on for a long time.. I expected pain :(

I also had a very strange experience with my Sister's now 'D'H. I was 14. He kept trying to groom me, saying I was beautiful. Showing A LOT of interest in my very innocent relationship with a 'boyfriend' then. He ended up trying to propose an arrangement where we would have a threesome with my sister. I remember being so scared I wanted to vomit. He was 17, and lived with us for about 6 months. My sister had a brief escape a few years back, ended up with someone else even worse, and ended up back with him. She has also been raped by someone in primary school in year 6, by a boy a year older.

Thinking I am not being unreasonable to not let my DD's ever leave the house and stay with me at all times, I will die if they ever have to go through anything that women on this thread have described.

thebody could you please elaborate on how you have brought your dd's up differently? I have two tiny dd's and I am determined to do everything I can to teach them how to protect themselves.

I agree that the "men, don't do that" is a message that should be out there. But then, the "not my nigel/mini nigel"s pipe up.

Until it is accepted that it MIGHT be/have been their Nigel/mini Nigel, the loudest voices against that kind of campaign will be women. Men who are not aggressors tend not to get too het up about it.

The biggest conspiracy of silence is around violence and sexual aggression against women. I often imagine what life would be like to be my 6', well-built, confident and world-occupying (not in a bad way) male friends. Their experience of life is so very different from mine.

I'm just shocked by the groping ones (i know others are worse) but the fact is that they are mostly 'violent' in nature, nothing that could be seen as 'flirting or cheeky' not that anyone has any right to touch you if you don't want to be, but from seeing mens faces when they are groping women they have a kind of 'twisted' look on their face.. hope i'm making sense.. like they hate us and want to hurt us or do more than what they're doing..

Love the sound if that campaign aimed at boys.

Always tried to instill in my boys a respect for all women.

Just hope good enough.

Bushy, you can't protect them unless we educate boys differently. I was brought up to take no shit but that doesn't matter when you're in a situation that starts with disbelief, shock, fright and impotent anger. The only way to stop our daughters from being in those situations is to teach boys that they don't do it.

I think one of the most important things about this thread is that we must, as people, consider accusations against family members. It doesn't matter whether it's a brother, son, or nephew, or husband. Listen to her.

All this awful things that were dismissed within families. I feel awful for you all.

That's why I would say, focus on the new generation of fathers, to believe.

Otherwise it's always the job of women, girls and boys to stop the rot.

Men have different problems. Nearly every man I know has had to defend himself against assaults from other men (not sexual generally though), and most have come off rather worse for it.

But to be back on topic, I really feel and to read all the experiences in this thread. My heart goes out to those who have gone through such terrible things. I have a DD and wonder on a daily basis how I can keep something like that happening to her. Because while I would say I've not had any really bad experiences, certainly I've been in situations where I've had unwanted attention.

To paraphrase something I heard on the news today, I think it's very important that ALL children learn at a reasonable age (say 9 or 10?) what consent means, what no means, and how to both SAY it and HEAR it. I know many parents would be up in arms at schools daring to teach this to kids so young, but it needs to be part of everyday socialisation that unwanted touching, coercion and sexual assault of any kind is not acceptable. Why can't we have a campaign about this, the way we do about "stranger danger" and the like?

notmyproblem definitely agree about that. Children need to be taught as earlty as possible that sexual assault is not acceptable. Child A needs to know they are in the wrong. Child B needs to know they are justified in objecting. None of this "it's just a joke" bollocks.

It's all of it isn't it?
The awful sexual abusers, the groping, the flashing...
As a young girl and teen I lost count of the amount of times I was just walking down the street minding my own business and male drivers (some older than my dad) would shout awful things at me, sometimes they would slow the car/van down and ask me where i was going/where I lived...
I was followed home on 2 occasions.
I was terrified.
I have been flashed.
I have had men in pubs and clubs grope me, rub themselves against me, try and kiss me...
So fucking depressing.
These are all some mothers son.

I wonder if it's because all stuff like unwanted touching and assaults tend to be dealt with through schools' PSHE lessons that it all ends up feeling somehow peripheral and within the remit yet again of women (mothers) and boys and girls to deal with.

Men should be at the heart of stopping it. By themselves, to themselves, about themselves. Their own families. Their own lives.

I don't want my son to be attacked in a nightclub when he's 20 any more than I want my daughter ever to be.

I am sick of the violence and the fear of the violence, and the fear that we all have of sexual assault on our younger family members; of the blame game; of the manipulation of shame.

Big sigh.

I do worry about how widespread and easy it is to access hardcore porn these days. Remember reading that many young people first access this hardcore porn from about the age of 10 or 11. This is so scary, what kind of effect will this have on these young minds.

I am 40 next week and I think my generation was the last one before porn became free and widespread on the Internet.
The closest I got to porn was watching "the camomile lawn" on dh 4!!

Strangers;
I was wanked over when i fell asleep on a beach; was woken by his grunting and managed to avoid getting most of his cum on me. I didn't report it to the police. i told the boy I was seeing at the time and the man was 'sorted out' by some of the locals (working abroad at the time)

On a crowded bus had a man masturbating himself, rubbing against my shoulder

People I should have been able to trust;
whilst a teenager; 2 over enthusiastic 'boyfriends' who didn't want to accept 'no'. I managed to avoid rape but 1 fingered me so hard I was bleeding and bruised

Raped by an ex-boyfriend aged 18, whilst both staying at a mutual friends house

I have only recently, in my 40s, began to talk about any of this. I have come to realise it has had a massive impact on my life. Alot of women I know have been raped.

Im glad you started this thread OP; I have on a number of occassions in the past recounted my experiences on this board; and from reactions felt as if people thought it must just be the 'people i know' IYSWIM

I wish I'd been brought up to know how to support friends who've been through this.. Maybe it should be taught at school.

Personally, thankfully, I've experienced nothing major of note, but I can remember as a teenager a friend told us she was date raped while stoned, and another friend woke to find our mutual male friend's hand in her pants. the latter really upset her, changed her. But we just didn't know what to say or do, just swept it under the carpet, treated it as something private not too be brought up again. Sigh.