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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

638 replies

SoleSource · 05/10/2012 14:46

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 05/10/2012 23:07

I still can't bring myself to use the word.
But yes.
My first boyfriend.
I said no.
He carried on.
No one knows.

MummysHappyPills · 05/10/2012 23:08

I have. Was coerced into sex by a man much older than me when I was 15. Took me to a place where I didn't know where I was and said he would not take me home until I had sex with him. Despite saying no 1000 times, eventually I let him. I felt disgusted with myself, and he hounded me for months after, basically pretending to be my boyfriend, I think in an effort to stop me saying anything.

MrsMiniversCharlady · 05/10/2012 23:08

I have had at least 6 experiences of being sexually abused (including one by a doctor who I now know has gone on to be a obs & gynae consultant Angry).

If you knew me you wouldn't know that I'd had these experiences; I don't tend to talk about them. I doubt very much that I'm in the minority though.

MrsMiniversCharlady · 05/10/2012 23:10

My mother was also sexually assaulted by a health professional Shock She never said anything because she was too embarrassed Sad.

MummysHappyPills · 05/10/2012 23:10

And I also think it had a massive impact on my life. I blamed myself and have had major issues with self esteem, despite previously being a very happy and well adjusted child from a happy family.

HoopDePoop · 05/10/2012 23:12

YANBU Sad

And do you know what the worst thing is? It always felt like my fault . Losing my virginity at 14 when I repeatedly said no? If anyone on here posted that, I'd tell them it was rape. And that is just one example. Even at 27, when my boss acted beyond inappropriately, I didn't feel able to tell my fiancé because I thought he'd think I was attention seeking, or flirting, or making it up.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 05/10/2012 23:15

I have told very few people about my experiences - my close friends at uni knew about the attempted rape.

Only dh knows about my ex.

I'm a happy, confident person - people that know me nowadays (even close friends) don't know.

It's good that I can share it here.

MrsTwinks · 05/10/2012 23:15

notmyproblem the risk with educating young kids is IMO it will never fully protect them without introducing them (possibly too) early to things that are overly sexual.

I was abused by a male relative who was like a brother to me, abuse that stopped short of actual rape. At 10/11, I was fully aware of sex, but what was done to me wasn't equated in my head as sex until I was older. In hindsight the intention may have been to eventually groom to that point, and yes that I would have known as wrong.

of people I know who have been assulted, none were attacked by a stranger. That, to me, is sad. Growing up they only taught us about "stranger danger", nothing ever about anyone else.

LineRunner · 05/10/2012 23:15

The whole 'hush' 'shame' 'fuss' crap is like a disease we don't even know we've got.

procrastinor · 05/10/2012 23:18

I was initially going to say not me but then remembered all the "usual" types of sexual assault that happened when used to go out clubbing. Including one memorable occasion where I was stood against a wall on a step with my knee against this guys chest just yelling no at him. Took two very burly guys to step up to him and point out that I'd said no and meant it (my heroes!).

I'm sad that the idea that being groped up in a club to a lot of us doesn't 'count' as its viewed as just part and parcel of going out.

Thing3ReallyWantsChocolate · 05/10/2012 23:19

When I was 18 I went back to the house of a man quite a lot older than me and we were doing stuff when I said it was starting to hurt. He told me that he had got that far and wasn't going to stop now and carried on.

I went back to a hotel with a service man after a night out and was very drunk. I told him that I wasn't going to have sex but I must have passed out when I got there as I woke up the next morning and could feel we had but couldn't remember. I had sex with him again as I figured I already had so what was the point saying no.

I put myself into some very very stupid situations when I was younger, most of the time I was lucky but a couple of times things didn't go well. I have never told anybody those stories as I have always thought they were my own fault.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 05/10/2012 23:23

Meant to add I also blamed myself for the attempted rape at the time. I thought it must be my fault, that I must have done something wrong - I know now I did nothing wrong. This 'friend' thought that because I was shagging his mate, I must be up for it with anyone - and therefore he was free to barge into my room (Uni Hall of residence) and take what he wanted.

I never reported it and even made excuses for him! Makes me really fucking mad now.

FootLikeATractionEngine · 05/10/2012 23:23

All of you who have never told - thank you for honouring this thread with your story. I hear you and I believe you.

And it reminds me that just because some people I know have never said to me that this stuff has happened to them does not mean that it hasn't happened.

joanofarchitrave · 05/10/2012 23:23

I remember in my later teens when a story about rape came on the news, my mother would always in a quite matter-of-fact way say 'what did they expect, she went to his room, she was hitchhiking, in my day we would have said they were asking for it, they were....' on and on and on.

Don't say that to your daughters. Or your sons. If someone is in your house, they have not become un-people.

fuckwittery · 05/10/2012 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BegoniaBampot · 05/10/2012 23:33

It is a conspiracy of silence. When my MIL told me quitely and out of the blue one day that she had been raped by two men/boys as a young girl, I asked her if she wanted me to tell the rest of the family, her husband and her children, she said no 'she didn't want to upset them'. So I've never been able to tell my husband what happened to his mum and why it might be one of the reasons she has been depressed and very ill for much of her life, that was years ago. I doubt I ever tell him.

LineRunner · 05/10/2012 23:36

My fucking granny, my grandad, my mother, all the lot of them were victim-blamers of the Highest Order Of Victim Blaming.

My dad's side of the family are in the Jimmy Savile fan club.

My ExH's family think all women who get sexually assaulted shouldn't have been out, but despise cultures whom they perceive as somehow keeping woman in.

Included in the enablers of this madness are the fathers and the grandfathers who say shit like 'Oh if it happened to you I'd get a gun and go to jail for you', which they would never do of course and which empty hyperbole just makes girls and woman keep quiet out of triple-guilt.

joanofarchitrave · 05/10/2012 23:37

I read a book about people with dementia (male and female) - it said if they become aggressive during personal care it's always possible it's because they associate it with past sexual abuse. The book described several case histories.

Asamumnonsense · 05/10/2012 23:37

I was sexually abused by one of my uncles. My sister by another and 2 cousins have also been abused by uncles. The sad thing is that we talked about it and one cousin had the guts to mention it to the family but it was brushed under the carpets...so we decided that nothing would happen and I grew up, left the country and I haven't seen that side of the family for 20 years and I know I will never see them again

baskingseals · 05/10/2012 23:37

op YANBU i have often thought this too, but agree it is not something you chat about even with close friends.

i think about my beautiful 10 yo dd and a cold hand grips my heart.

thenightsky · 05/10/2012 23:40

YANBU OP

Almost every afternoon in the taxi on the way home from school. I had to squeeze in the back with 3 lads. I fought them all the way of the 15 min journey. I got penetrated with finger and thumbs most school days Sad

TheBigJessie · 05/10/2012 23:42

Oh godlets, I hate "I'd smash his head in" statements. It's a wonderful way to make sure an assaulted girl/boy feel its their duty to protect their family by keeping silent. It's hard enough for people to report it, without fearing they'll be responsible for their wannabe-vigilante family members being arrested.

LineRunner · 05/10/2012 23:45

BigJessie, you've understood it exactly.

whistlestopcafe · 05/10/2012 23:52

I said no but he didn't stop. We were both young and he was very damaged. I don't feel any bitterness towards him. I feel angry at myself for not being stronger.

Second occasion I was drunk and literally had to fight him off and I succeeded. Again I feel angry at myself for getting myself into this situation.

Asamumnonsense · 05/10/2012 23:54

My hurt just sunk! I am reading this and thinking , if it happens to so many young girls, teenagers, women. How on earth do I prevent this happening to my 5 year old daughter?