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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this teaching assistant is creepy?

92 replies

MoonlightShadows · 04/10/2012 20:40

I don;t know whether AIBU or not. I was sexually abused when I was younger so do find myself being hyper vigilant and usually have to have a quiet word with myself but I'm not sure this time.

There is a young guy of about 19 who is a TA at DD's infant school. He is a bit strange in that he never speaks to the parents or makes eye contact and when spoken to only mumbles back and walks off. He also works at our local kids soft play area and we had DD's party there, he was all over the children, chasing them and picking them up and rolling around on the floor with them but didn't speak to any of the parents.

DH is a primary teacher and he says I am likely overreacting, although hasn't met him himself.

I am ashamed to admit I just looked on his facebook page and he seems to be obsessed with horror films and has very few friends for a young guy.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
GreenPetal94 · 04/10/2012 23:00

why not judge him on whether he is a good teaching assistant, or in fact leave that judgement to the headteacher who may actually know the answer

MadBanners · 04/10/2012 23:06

Would you think this if it was a woman, very shy around the parents, but you seem them playing and very active with the children!? Probably not, just think she was terrible shy but loved children. Doubt you would have thought to look at the facebook page either.

I can understand how your past experiences may affect your opinion somewhat, but I do not think you have anything to worry about. Going by what you have said.

I am a mom of two and a nurse to boot, quite caring I would like to think, but I love horror movies, although it usually involves me having to go to the kitchen to make a cuppa at the scary bits, while shouting through to dh to tell me what is happening! I am a wimp!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 04/10/2012 23:16

Its not weird at soft play to have people employed to play with the kids at parties.

mayorquimby · 04/10/2012 23:35

you should be ashamed for checking up on his facebook etc.

threesocksmorgan · 04/10/2012 23:38

omg just noticed that the op even checked his profile on fb, wow op you are weird

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2012 23:39

Yes actually I agree with mayorquimby

If you're talking about strange behaviour, that tops anything you're written in your OP.

mertin · 04/10/2012 23:40

When I worked as a care assistant in a nursing home, there were those carers who would skulk off for a smoke at every opportunity, did the least possible work, yet were the best for chatting up the relatives.

The ones who worked hard, actually cared, gave good service were generally the ones who didn't want thanks or adulation for it.

Don't judge a book by it's cover.

WelshMaenad · 04/10/2012 23:52

Dd had a male student TA in reception who didn't speak to me of look at me until I made him a cake at Xmas! Turned out he was just painfully shy. He was fabulous with the kids though, opened up totally and was a different person. Dd still misses him. I don't see any reason to think he's creepy just because he's shy and likes horror films??

dysfunctionalme · 05/10/2012 00:22

Well actually I am going to go against the grain and say to listen to your instincts. Get your DH to meet him and see how he feels about him.

I am saying this given my experience with a young, male TA, the school chairwoman's son infact, who has just been jailed for molesting the children he was "caring" for.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2012 00:33

How long ago was that dysfunctionalme?

Oddly enough I just typed "Teaching assistant jailed" into Google and the first two stories that came up were these two female TA's...jailed for abusing children.

www.southyorkshiretimes.co.uk/news/local/breaking-news-paedophile-teaching-assistant-jailed-for-abusing-13-year-old-boy-1-4886725

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/8151153/Female-teaching-assistant-jailed-for-sex-with-pupils.html

PedanticPanda · 05/10/2012 00:37

I think you're completely unreasonable. He could just be shy, and liking horror films doesn't make you more likely to be a paedophile.

dysfunctionalme · 05/10/2012 00:46

It was last week worral (not in uk!)

ThatVikRinA22 · 05/10/2012 00:53

oh ffs.
hiding stupid idiotic thread which is simply preying on parental fear and recent news events.

are you a journalist by any chance OP?

you are being unreasonable, and irrational, and scare mongering.

dysfunctionalme · 05/10/2012 00:57

I don't think the OP sounds anything like a journalist! She is just airing her feelings and there is nothing wrong with that. She hasn't DONE anything to the guy, she is just trying to make sense of how she feels about him which, given her background, is quite understandable. Parenting choices can be v difficult for abuse survivors, their boundaries have been messed with.

Pippa6774 · 05/10/2012 04:22

what can you do about it anyway? Get your dc to change school ?

Proudnscary · 05/10/2012 05:57

OP you do know the rule on Mumsnet is to ridicule and dismiss anyone for having even a whiff of suspicion about peodophilia??

Even though none of us know this guy and even though RL sexual predators actually exist, ones that work around kids??

Of course it is (thankfully) rare and extremely unlikely this guy is any danger to the children. I'm sure all is fine, OP.

But if your instinct is telling you something, how can you ignore it? Instinct is everything.

WofflingOn · 05/10/2012 06:55

'Maybe I should try engaging him in conversation. I have in the past but didn't get very far but will try again.'

My DS is on the spectrum, socially awkward and doesn't initiate conversations. If you wanted to have a conversation with him, it would have to be about something he was comfortable discussing, he has no 'small talk chit chat'
He is very good with small children and babies, and they love him. If he's in the park with a cousin or two, the other little ones end up using him a s a climbing frame, asking him to push them on swings or help them when he gets stuck.
Very few abusers or groomers are socially awkward, they tend to be confident, plausible and uncreepy.
Like WhiteCherry, I fear for him with the current climate of hostility towards those that don't fit in. He is very aware of the dangers, and I remind him frequently to think about any given situation and spot the dangers to himself, just as I have to do as a teacher.

Fortunately he'd rather saw his own legs off than go into any form of teaching, but the danger of being labelled creepy and weird is always with him. And the possible consequences of other people's prejudice and fear can be very severe.

janey68 · 05/10/2012 07:00

What a depressing thread.
Whatever someone's personal experiences, it's no excuse for snooping around someone's Facebook, and posting suspicious things about them without any evidence.
I'm not surprised there's a chronic shortage of male workers in childcare and primary teaching when they have to put up with this sort of shit

crazygracieuk · 05/10/2012 07:06

Have you read some of the school/childcare questions on MN? I'm twice as old as the TA and I'd be intimidated by some of the people on this forum who can get really angry over small issues. I've seen the parents who hog teacher/TA time at drop offs in such a way that kids can't get through the door.(I'm not saying that those parents are you just that they must be tiresome to deal with.)

Teen girls aren't necessarily chatty to parents either. I reckon it's something that people pick up on the job.

WofflingOn · 05/10/2012 07:08

As long as he sticks rigidly to any and all rules in school and elsewhere about being with children then he should be OK.
Never alone with any of them, no unnecessary physical contact and if he needs to touch one to put on a plaster or help them get dresses after PE then it needs to be directly observed by another adult. I hope his line manager is aware of how his behaviour is perceived by some of the parents and is willing to support him to enable him to keep his job.
Facebook friends FFS, I have less than 30. Does that make me a paedo?
Perhaps he's been warned, as has my DS, not to take people at face-value. He didn't understand subtle lying or people being two-faced until he was around 15, three years later and it still confuses him sometimes.

halcyondays · 05/10/2012 07:08

He doesn't sound creepy, he just sounds a bit shy. Nit having 1001 friends on fb doesn't mean anything.

poachedeggs · 05/10/2012 07:10

DH is exactly like this TA - shy to the point of rudeness but fantastic with children. Likes shit films and doesn't have a ton of friends. Is it this stuff that makes him creepy?

euwa · 05/10/2012 07:17

OP i understand where you are coming from but as someone who was extremely shy as a youngster from what you write, I would say it sounds like shyness. He would probably be more than happy to engage in general chatter from an adult, the staff probably are so busy and he so young so could well be feeling he has to keep out of things and like no-one wants to talk to him cause he is "only" the help. Also as has been pointed out parents can be intimidating. I don't wish to defend him, just say I understand and you arethe one who sees him. Also, I felt the same way about a mature man who helped out in my dc infant school. I asked around but it seemed that only i felt this way. I am wary and so without worrying my own (as I want them not to feel bad/anxious) I have chatted about things and asked questions. Asking the right questions otherwise children don't answer because you did not ask that - but now years later they only recall happy memories with this individual who was a cheerful character.

TheHumancatapult · 05/10/2012 07:21

Op you could almost describe both my dc bar the horror films .they don't have 1001 friends on Fb but do have real friends

Both mine are fab with younger children ( I have 2 a lot younger to ) but are shy around unfamiliar adults especially in a proffesiobal setting but kids love th and seem to gravitate towards them especially ds1 ( he is 19) he helps out at a Sn group and the males are always popular there to

I do think it is very important that dx see males in non traditional rolls to , even more when not all have make role models

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 07:26

I was abused as a child, and have had instincts about some men, nothing solid, just something amiss, and they've been right every time. I think if you've looked an abuser in the face and known exactly what he's capable of, seen him interacting with other children and with adults, you recognise that sort of behaviour in others. To me it's like a flashing beacon, and I would never ignore my instincts. I would never openly accuse a man of being an abuser without absolutely solid evidence, but I would do whatever I could to ensure my children were not around him. In the case of a TA I wouldn't be overly worried because they don't have free access to the children, but I would not go to a soft play place where a man like this worked and I would not let him play with my child.

I know that sounds totally paranoid. But to put it in perspective, my friend started seeing a man who I got the "vibe" from, I warned her, and unfortunately he sexually assaulted her, the teacher at school I got the "vibe" from scarpered to another country when it looked like his activities were coming back to bite him, and I picked another friend's abuser (her cousin) out of a crowd of her family within a couple of minutes.