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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this teaching assistant is creepy?

92 replies

MoonlightShadows · 04/10/2012 20:40

I don;t know whether AIBU or not. I was sexually abused when I was younger so do find myself being hyper vigilant and usually have to have a quiet word with myself but I'm not sure this time.

There is a young guy of about 19 who is a TA at DD's infant school. He is a bit strange in that he never speaks to the parents or makes eye contact and when spoken to only mumbles back and walks off. He also works at our local kids soft play area and we had DD's party there, he was all over the children, chasing them and picking them up and rolling around on the floor with them but didn't speak to any of the parents.

DH is a primary teacher and he says I am likely overreacting, although hasn't met him himself.

I am ashamed to admit I just looked on his facebook page and he seems to be obsessed with horror films and has very few friends for a young guy.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
fuckadoodlepoopoo · 04/10/2012 21:10

My first thought was that he sounds either very shy, socially awkward or possibly on the autistic spectrum/aspergers etc.

If so its great that he's found a job that suits his abilities.

I know what you mean though op as i tend to be overly paranoid as well due to experiences. I have to make a conscious effort.

wheresmespecs · 04/10/2012 21:10

This won't be popular but...

I was abused too, and twice in adult life I have had very very strong instincts about men I met. It wasn't just dislike, it was something much deeper than that.

I was right both times. One convicted paedophile and one statutory rape (i.e underage) and sexual assault conviction.

none of the actual reasons you give are any grounds for suspecting someone of anything, as others have said (and I would love to see more men in nursery and teaching jobs). To me, that's not the point. If your instincts are screaming at you, I think you are right. Although I have no idea what you would do about it.

degutastic · 04/10/2012 21:14

There was something on the telegraph.co.uk this week about research suggesting that paedophiles are actually less likely to be the "creepy" guy, as they tend to be very good at manipulating adults and ingratiating themselves into society. I can't comment on the veracity of it, nor can I find the link (useless!) but it's an interesting thought.

JeuxDEnfants · 04/10/2012 21:19

Let's face it, throughout life you will undoubtedly meet people capable of abuse. The important thing is that children and adults know what abuse is and to tell someone. You can't yourself protect for every eventuality... Otherwise your ds would have to avoid interaction with everyone. If you are worried, do keep a close eye. It's so difficult to judge a stranger... Sometimes it's difficult to judge a friend. All you can do is be vigilant and keep a close open relationship with your dd.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2012 21:22

My DB is shy and weird and doesn't have friends. I think he is probably on the AS but never tested. He gets on amazingly with children and animals. They are not a challenge to him at all. He sounds exactly like this TA.

However, I wouldn't ever discount my feelings and if you get a strange feeling, check your schools practice around safety.

wheresmespecs · 04/10/2012 21:22

degutastic, that is interesting - my abuser was a 'character' in our family - entertainer, lot of laughs etc. The 2 men I had gut reactions to were also outgoing, alpha-ish - lots of jokes.

One of the reasons I never spoke up as a child was because I just knew that no one would take an awkward quiet child's word against a larger than life 'great guy'.

Felicitywascold · 04/10/2012 21:30

From the description you have given he sounds a lot like myself at 19.

Loves the company of kids, very good at his job(s). Is petrified of 'adults' (ie, people over 25) and scared of talking to them in a proffesional context.

I matured, had more training/education and got better at talking to parents. It's still my least favourite part of the job though.

If it is just that he doesn't talk to you and the other parents and seems engaged with the kids that doesn't scream peodo AT ALL.

If you have a deeper feeling of unease perhaps that needs considering more seriously...

Original poster
MoonlightShadows · 04/10/2012 21:30

I remember reading an article in teh Guardian a few eyars ago about how child abusers are often cool, trendy, confident guys rather than the stereotypical middle aged man with an odd demeanour.

OP posts:
JeuxDEnfants · 04/10/2012 21:35

I think it really depends... I don't think personality as seen from afar can detect an abuser. You need to get to know him if you are concerned however, this might back fire and make him more introverted... Basically, abusers don't fit a stereotype. Your child needs to know they can talk to you about anything that worries them no matter what.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 04/10/2012 21:35

I think the problem is that people notice when some people are a bit different, such as those with aspergers etc and add 2 and 2 and make 5.

Look at that poor guy that the newspapers jumped on accusing of murdering Joanna Yates? Just because he had a slightly odd look to him with his sticky out hair etc. People notice "different" and it freaks them out which is why we have to remind ourselves that being a bit different or socially awkward doesn't make someone a murderer or a paedophile.

Original poster
MoonlightShadows · 04/10/2012 21:36

You know what, I think I am going to try and chat to him next week, if I still get a feeling I will report back but I do realise my judgement may be clouded by my own experiences.

OP posts:
TwllBach · 04/10/2012 21:39

I am 24 and an NQT. I am shy and often intimidated by the thought of the parents. Certainly at 19 I would have been, and am working very hard to overcome self esteem/shyness/confidence issues that don't effect my teaching. It is entirely possible that I come across similarly to your TA. I would hate to think that parents go away thinking I am a paedophile!

Softlysoftly · 04/10/2012 21:41

The description doesn't say abuser but rightly or wrongly I think gut instinct should be heeded if it's only keeping a watchful eye.

I haven't been abused but had a narrow escape. A good friends grandad gave me that gut instinct and as many times as I had an absolutely rational reason to be alone with him and her I avoided it (aged 8). She came clean at17 that he had been abusing her for years. Nothing about him was out of kilter but he just made my skin crawl.

jamdonut · 04/10/2012 22:21

I'm 48 (and a TA) and find parents REALLY scary!...I hate having to ask or tell parents something face to face. But I get on very well with children,and have an obsession with Muse (at my age!!)...does that make me creepy?...Oh dear...

threesocksmorgan · 04/10/2012 22:24

yabu
my son worked in a nursery as part of a college placement.
he lasted 2 days as the PFB parents didn't like a male being near their children.
no wonder there are so few males in child care, and such a shame

confusedpixie · 04/10/2012 22:25

YABU. I'm pretty much the female version of this guy by the sounds of things (minus the horror films!) and know of a bloke who's very similar and would have been an amazing childcarer but got put off by parents who felt the same about him, which is a huge shame imo.

geegee888 · 04/10/2012 22:29

Doesn't sound creepy to me. Sounds shy, possibly mild Aspergers, and young. Cut the guy some slack, he's done nothing at all creepy, he's just not the same as everyone else, but your instincts might be too wary.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2012 22:29

I do worry about my 3 sons.

DS3 wants to be a teacher and will be doing his work experience in the local Primary school Nursery.

I'll have to tell him not to play with the children and to make sure he spends all his time talking to parents.....

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/10/2012 22:34

op the thing is tho, most abusers are really rather good at getting parents onside, i would be more concerned about people who are to sure of themselves to quick to try to put me at ease and people who everbody else had oodles of confidence in

KillerRack · 04/10/2012 22:38

respectfully you sound hysterical, being a fan of horror films , not having a lot of fb friends? by those standards I'm a peeeeeedo too.

Nothing of what you said is any proof pf anything.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 04/10/2012 22:42

Was just going to say what jam said, I was a teacher and parents can be really scary, he's 19, give him a chance, try and get to know him, we need more male TAs.

MMMarmite · 04/10/2012 22:43

None of the specific reasons you've posted seem overly worrying, but we have never met him. Sometimes gut instinct can tell us important stuff that we can't get our heads around consciously, or sometimes gut instinct can just be based on stereotypes. I think you're being very sensible to listen to your instincts but also treat them with caution.

ThatVikRinA22 · 04/10/2012 22:44

yabu.

because DS has aspergers i mix with many young adults with ASD, and im glad my son does not work around you OP, or any of his friends, as given that info that you have posted on your OP, you would label most of my sons friends as being potentially "creepy".

if this boys only crime is to be shy and to relate better to the children than adults then yabu.

be very careful. this is how rumours start.

doinmummy · 04/10/2012 22:47

Are staff at soft play areas supposed to play with the children ? I have never seen that happen myself and I must admit that I think that is a bit odd.

Mypopcornface · 04/10/2012 22:55

When I use d to work at a nursery all the TA's were not allowed to talk parents anything but hello...I personally avoided eye contact because the parents didn't know about this rule and every time they came to speak to me and ask questions about their children I would have to tell them to go and talk to the teacher and this always made me feel dumb and incompetent which I knew I wasn't so I would rather not to engage. Plus as soon as parents left, the manager would approach me to ask questions about the parent's questions or tell me off for engaging. So maybe this guy is in the same situation. As for the soft play job, he is employed to entertain the children specially at a birthday party, maybe he likes/needs his job and wants to keep it.

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