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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be lonely but not know how to change my life

16 replies

Jules666 · 04/10/2012 19:19

I'm divorced with 2 (8 & 10 yrs) children but am so lonely. I'm in my late 40's so all the people I know are couples so I very rarely go out.

I joined POF but am finding all the men in my age group all have kids over 18 and aren't interested in someone with younger children.

I've done evening courses in different subjects but haven't made any friends out of them as everyone in my age group already has their friends and are usually married so don't need someone to go out with.

It's not the life I imagined for myself when going through a divorce. The only thing that kept me going was imagining going out, friends over for drinks or meals etc.

So, knowledgeable MN's how do I change my life so I'm not stuck in the house all the time.

OP posts:

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 04/10/2012 19:21

Do you have a job? Sometimes work is a good place...or volunteering can also be good. I feel for you...what about family?

aleene · 04/10/2012 19:22

How long did you stick with POF? it can take a long time and a lot of luck

Inneedofbrandy · 04/10/2012 19:23

Have you got any spare time to volunteer? It would get you out, be sociable and maybe meet friends. What about the dreaded PTA?

chirpchirp · 04/10/2012 19:29

Have you tried Meetup.com? Great way to meet people with similar hobbies and interests as you. Since discovering it I've join a book group, a photography club and a cinema group.

mermaid101 · 04/10/2012 19:30

A friend of mine is in a similar situation. She has asked me to go out with her, just us, for drinks and nights out. I am delighted to be asked and although it might be a bit cringy, we go out to see if she can meet anyone. I am her "wingman".

No success so far, but my point is that I was asking her over for dinner in my house or afternoon coffees but it wasn't really what she wanted to do. I think it was a bit thoughtless on my part: I didn't really realise what she was really needing/wanting to do.

I really enjoy our weekend missions. I think we both feel we are recapturing our youth.

Are there any friends you could enlist in this way?

Original poster

Jules666 · 04/10/2012 19:34

Wow that was some quick responses.

POF about 3 months so maybe not that long.

I work part time in a female environment but they're all my age (and older) so all sett.led with hubbies and friends etc.

Haven't tried meetup - will have a look.

Haven't though about volunteering. I'll have a look what sort of thing there is.

Keep the idea coming.

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Jules666 · 04/10/2012 19:38

Mermaid - that's really sweet of you. Whenever I've gone out with married friends (very rarely) we do things that are more married women having a night out than divorced woman who doesn't have an other half IYSWIM.

OP posts:

mermaid101 · 04/10/2012 19:53

That's so nice of you Jules, but it's a win/win situation. I fair enjoy it. I think if you are "settled" for want of a better word, you tend to choose slightly different nights out. I know I did.
Going out with my friend certainly makes for a more exciting night. I've also invited her to a couple of weddings instead of my husband. It's hard for us to get baby sitters and so it worked well for everyone.

However, I probably wouldn't have thought of doing things like this unless she had pretty much spelled out to me (in the nicest possible way!) that coming round for a take away and the X factor or a group of women going to a meal weren't really what she was dying to do.

Is there someone in your social circle you could mention this to? It might be a slightly tricky conversation, but there could well be someone longing for a bit of a change?

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 04/10/2012 22:02

Can I recommend a tree planting volunteer group? Great fun, lots of varied people and good for the environment.

aleene · 04/10/2012 22:39

jules, just to add, I know POF can be a bit soul destroying. I meet someone just as i was about to give up, after about 3 months - but it was pure luck that I met someone like my DP. So it is one option but only if you have the stomach for it. and I went on a lot of dates with guys that didn['t work out

BlueSkySinking · 04/10/2012 23:43

join a gym, rambling club etc?

is there any girls you would like to get to know more?

squeakytoy · 04/10/2012 23:56

you dont have to only have friends your own age.. most of my best mates are 8-10 years younger than me

stookiesackhouse · 05/10/2012 10:39

Yy to all the above suggestions! All the ideas I would have put forward have already been covered, so I would say, keep trying new things, say yes to as many invites as possible and stick with it. Sometimes it can take a good while to rebuild a good network of friends post-divorce/separation.

Facebook (for all it's faults) can be a good way of reconnecting with friends.

What about swapping from POF to match.com? It's paid subscription so will be more likely to have genuine people on there looking for similar to you.

SoHHKB · 05/10/2012 10:52

Do you do the school run? Know any other single mothers? When I went through my divorce and all the mess afterwards, there was a mother I'd heard about on the grapevine who had a similar story to me so I asked if she fancied going for a drink. It worked out that we both didn't have our children the same weekends so we'd spend every other weekend in the pub together. We've since each found new fellas and our children are now friends too so we see even more of each other.
Being friends with someone in the same boat has been invaluable for those dark times without my dd, for advice about solicitors/mediation/new partners meeting children etc, and for generally having a good laugh...
Keep your eyes and ears open - there's bound to be someone else in your 'boat'

SoHHKB · 05/10/2012 10:53

Oh, and I met my new partner on Oasis - it's free so you have to filter out the rubbish but he really is quite a find
Good luck

justmyview · 05/10/2012 10:54

I'd say take your time and accept that people are busy, so don't have a lot of time for socialising. It's not personal against you. I think you probably need to take the initiative. Perhaps start with one person at a time eg a school Mum. Ask if she fancies going out for a drink one evening. Take it from there

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