Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think children shouldn't be allowed to scribble on their toys?

88 replies

tryingtoleave · 04/10/2012 13:28

Ds (6) has a Melissa and Doug wooden castle, that I gave him for his birthday a couple of months ago. I found him writing all over it with a permanent pen. He had written 'knights' and 'queen' and king, and also put lots of other scribbles on it. I was furious and told him off. He said 'but dad said it was ok and helped me'. I didn't believe him but dh confirmed it was true. I apologized to ds but reiterated to him that 'we only draw on paper' and never with a permanent pen.

Anyway, dh said he couldn't see anything wrong with it at the time, he kind of sees where I'm coming from now but that ds was being creative and he thinks it was not so bad. He says this is just a 'parenting difference' between us. He also thinks that the castle is not ruined, as I think it is. I think dcs prefer toys that actually look nice, and I was hoping this castle would be around for a while and be handed on to dd. It cost $100 .

Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable or crazy, as dh is suggesting...

OP posts:

OldCatLady · 04/10/2012 15:05

If he was being creative not destructive, I don't see the issue. When you pass on to DD just paint it, job done.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 05/10/2012 12:46

Summer but to some people, personalising and altering them in a creative way IS enjoying them!

Inneedofbrandy · 05/10/2012 12:51

My dd has a dolly with "tattoos" all over. It's the only doll she has ever liked and played with (she's not a dolly person) and I really don't care because she made it hers.

I wouldn't be happy with random vandalism on all toys and books, which has never happened. But decorating and making your toy your own is not a problem to me. I wouldn't replace any toy they willfully (sp) destroyed, there is a middle ground and they are your dc toys not yours.

MsOnatopp · 05/10/2012 13:04

I don't know. I think it's good to teach kids to respect their toys so they learn to respect other things.

SarryB · 05/10/2012 13:12

I remember my little sister writing her name on the back of couch...and then blaming it on our youngest brother.

I don't think children should be allowed to draw on toys. I'm a nursery assistant and to help prevent the kids drawing on things they shouldn't, I provided lots of post-it-notes and pencils dotted around the place. So if someone did want to write 'queen' on the castle, they could just write it on the post-it-note and stick it to the castle. Of course, I always ended up with notes stuck to me too!
I also provided a big piece of paper on one wall which they could scribble on as they wished, and also pads and pens were very easily accessible. The rule was always "you can only draw on paper" - but we provided lots of different kinds of paper (including newspaper, wallpaper, blank paper etc).

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 13:17

In my mind anything that belongs to DS, belongs to him and I have no say in how it's used as long as what he's doing isn't dangerous/destroying the house etc. Keeping toys perfect is a bit pointless IMO - why have them if the child can't do what they like with them? If you're just going to buy toys for display then put them a shelf, otherwise buy the child a cardboard box and let them actually play.

FWIW I'd be pretty pleased if my child was writing quite difficult words like "knight" at the age of 6. Far from telling him off I'd praise him for knowing the words, using them in the right context, and spelling them right.

Original poster

tryingtoleave · 05/10/2012 13:20

Well, ds asked for his castle this morning and I gave it back to him and he went on with his game. I will attempt to remove or hide the ink once he tires of this game, however.

OP posts:

Original poster

tryingtoleave · 05/10/2012 13:23

But caillin, in a few days time he will want to play a different game and it will be more difficult because the castle has marks on it. Putting permanent marks on toys actually limits the possibilities of play, I think. And ds is quite capable of then asking for a new castle because his old one is a mess.

He asked dh to help him spell knights - that was how dh got involved.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 13:26

If he does ask for a new castle, all you say is "Sorry DS, you don't get a new one I'm afraid." Offer to clean the pen off if he wants it, and leave it at that. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate people telling you how you can use your things. It either belongs to your DS, in which case he can do as he likes with it, or it belongs to you, in which case you can dictate how it's used. Whatever the case you need to make it clear to DS. If he doesn't actually own his toys, and needs to check with you before he can play a certain way with them, then you need to let him know that.

Original poster

tryingtoleave · 05/10/2012 13:30

Of course I would say that. My point is that fairly soon he will also consider it ruined.

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 05/10/2012 13:32

I think your DS probably is too young to see that he might regret drawing on his castle at some point. That Ok - he's just a little boy, but your DH is old enough to know this. He could have been creative and label his castle by making little signs and sticking them on with white tac so they weren't permanent.

I think there is a fine line between toys being kept in good condition and toys being played with, and on the whole I'm in favour of playing with things. But when there is an easy solution which wouldn't damage the toy, I think DC should be encouraged to think round a problem rather than going with the first impulsive thought (which is what your Dh did - how old is he? )

Original poster

tryingtoleave · 05/10/2012 13:39

Yes, I agree, kurri, - and that, caillin, is why I don't need people to tell me how to use my things. I know how much they cost and should understand consequences. I accept that ds doesn't and that's why he needs a blanket rule to protect his own intersts.

Dh does seem fairly bad at thinking about these things. I once found him playing with playdough with the dcs on the carpet. He had no idea that it might be a problem. Oh well, at least he is involved with them. And this thread has shown me he isn't on his own on this issue.

OP posts:

comedycentral · 05/10/2012 13:40

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. How about giving him those white office labels for labelling his toys?

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 13:46

If he considers it ruined, then he has learned the consequences of his behaviour, which is the best way to learn anything. That's the main way I teach anything, both as a teacher and as a parent, through natural consequences rather than through punishment. If I saw DS writing on a toy I would warn him it would stay like that forever, so he needs to be sure he wants to do it, as I think that's only fair, then let him get on with it. If he complained to me afterward it was ruined I would remind him that I warned him that would happen and say no more about it.

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 13:51

You said in your OP "I think dcs prefer toys that actually look nice, and I was hoping this castle would be around for a while and be handed on to dd." Nothing about how your DS feels about it. The point is the castle belongs to him not you. If you genuinely think he'll be upset about ruining the toy, then perhaps you need to sit down and talk to him about it, remind him of the consequences of drawing on things, and then not interfere any more?

Pippa6774 · 05/10/2012 15:57

If he had been doing it with destructive intent I might have agreed with you, but he didn't from the sounds of it.he was customising it.I really don't see the problem.i don't agree with this 'keeping it nice to pass on 'business.It's his toy

shewhowines · 05/10/2012 16:13

YANBU. It's respect. Customise in a non permanent way, not ruin it completely.

Whilst on the subject, I hate it when you see houses on tv/real life where kids have drawn on the walls and scribbled in inappropriate places. How lax is the parenting or what low standards do they have? One of mine did it once. It was never repeated!!!!!

shewhowines · 05/10/2012 16:13

Yes I JUDGE

KurriKurri · 05/10/2012 16:33

I don't actually agree completely with the 'it's his toy, he can do what he likes with it' - I'm a bit foot in two camps, - I do think children should be able to play with their toys as they please with no restrictions on the games they play.

But children don't always make the most sensible choices, and don't always think ahead to how they might feel once something is permanently changed or damaged. It's our job as parents to guide and advise them, to help them think of alternatives to their plan which might suit them better.

I also think respect is important. If someone gives you a present, I do think you should show a little care, it indicates you are appreciative, - you do have to consider other people's feeling in life and the efforts they have gone to in giving you a gift. Now children don't always get it right of course, but it's never too early to start talking with them about other people's feelings and being polite and showing appreciation.

I wonder how many people giving a teenager a laptop or an ipad, would be happy to say 'it's their's they can do what they like with it' if said teenager deliberately smashed it up, or used it for sliding down the stairs on, or playing frisbee with?

Toys and games are to play as you wish with, within the confines of reasonable sensible behaviour. So it's fine to use your fort as a doll's hospital or an international space station, (and you might very well want to label the doors 'operating theatre' or 'mission control') but not necessarily fine to deface it, when there are labelling alternatives which don't cause permanent change. And as someone else said, if you label something permanently, it does of course restrict play.

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 16:39

I know I might be odd, but if a teenager of mine did smash up a laptop I gave them I wouldn't get het up about it. It's not my laptop I have no say in what happens to it, and as far as I'm concerned the teenager isn't doing themselves any favours by smashing it up. I certainly wouldn't replace it though, and I would probably be very keen to find out why on earth they did it because I would be worried about them. The laptop itself wouldn't concern me though.

I don't agree that labelling something restricts play. I've seen vans labelled "ambulance" being used as dumper trucks and spaceships or boxes labelled "corn flakes" being used as a doll's bed. IME they'll just ignore the label and carry on playing.

IMO if you're going to restrict how someone uses a gift, don't give it. A gift is supposed to be given freely and considered the property of the receiver. I wouldn't expect my children to treat a gift any differently than anything else and if the giver insisted on it, I would ask them to take it back and I would buy the thing myself so my child could actually enjoy it.

KurriKurri · 05/10/2012 16:52

But using and enjoying something and damaging it, are not the same thing.

And I think it's a little naive to say that gift giving comes with absolutely no ties. If my children received a gift I would consider it an obligation on their part to say thank you, and show some appreciation.

There are conventions surrounding giving and receiving, and they are based on not hurting other people's feelings, and being courteous.

But then again, I often see thread's on here where people are moaning about gifts they have received how they are not good enough, or innapropriate in some other way. And I find it rather a sad attitude. But I accept I may very well be in the minority.
Maybe I am very old fashioned - I'm certainly very old

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 16:55

I agree that there's a difference between enjoying something and damaging it. But in the OP's case, her son was enjoying his toy, a lot, by imagining where everything to do with the castle would go and labelling it. He wasn't just scribbling on it.

I would expect a child to say thank you for a gift, of course, but beyond I think they should just enjoy it. I would far rather see a toy I gave all worn out and obviously well-played with rather than sitting perfectly in a corner like a museum piece.

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 05/10/2012 17:01

I would be really annoyed and tell my dc off if I found they had drawn on their toys. Paper is for drawing on in this house.

I would also be a bit disappointed as i sort some of their toys out before Christmas to sell on eBay etc to pay for presents for them as I don't have a lot of money.

3faced · 05/10/2012 17:06

You are soo NBU OP. Never thought I would post about this subject. But now unfortunately I have reason to. One of our neighbours children SCRIBBLED on our new car wih a STONE. I am still mightily pissed off about it! Turns out this child doodles on everything in sight and the parents dont care/ say nothing. Its all about respect for your own property and everyone elses too.

AnnieLobeseder · 05/10/2012 17:11

One of my mum's friends lets her DD draw all over her clothes with permanent marker. Fine, her choice. But then she keeps giving my mum bags of these clothes to my mum for my DDs. Why on earth would I want clothes that a child has scrawled all over for my children? The mind boggles.....

And I feel your pain, 3faced - my DD drew a love heart in my new car door with a 2p piece. In her defence the car was frosty and she thought she was just drawing in the frost. Grrrrrr! I hope the parents are paying for the repair.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread