To have told him i can't have sex?

[janflan]

I've got myself into a situation. I've been chatting to this bloke for a few weeks on fb and by text. He's someone i used to know a while back but don't really know him that well.

We planned to meet and i may have led him on a bit. Due to circumstances i thought meeting up wouldn't be for a while and i could have lots of wine and it would be dark.

Now he wants to take the day off and come over tomorrow! In the daylight! He's younger than me by quite a bit and is fit in more ways than one. I'm not in any way!

There's no way i can have sex with him in the daylight without wine with only a day to prepare! I'd need a new outfit and my hair, eyebrows and nails done and a hedge trimmer

I've just sent him a message basically saying that i know i might have led him on but i can't have sex with someone I've just met. That i do really like him but think coffee might be best.

He's been constantly texting me all day and now he's gone quiet.

That was a good one to be fair.

Still haven't told him am building up to it.

Oh for fuck sake can this day get anymore embarrassing?

I've just text him and pretty much told him I'm fat!

He said yeah i know it's ok stop worrying.

Ok that's done i feel like even more of a twat now.

I have been in a relationship with DH for 8 years, if i don't want sex i don't want it.

He said yeah I know????

I said something like i don't know if you've seen many of my pics on fb but you need to know I'm not some skinny thing.

He replied yeah i know it's cool babe stop worrying.

Now listen to me love....

I too am a good 3st more than I want to be.

I met a guy on t'internet, we texted like mental, we met, he never texted me again, cut me dead and refused to take calls.

It hurt, it was really shitty, but you know it was HIS problem, his rudeness and HE ultimately wasn't good enough. I did feel like shit for a while.

I went on another date, terrified at how the person would see me and that they too would reject me for my size. He said he liked me as I was. He said I was perfect.

OK so he turned out to be a nutjob not to be the one for me, but he taught me that I am actually a nice person, I am a great friend, good companion, and if someone doesn't like me, then that is THEIR problem.

The next date I went on, I went out knowing that it wasn't just about ME being acceptable, it was about HIM being acceptable to ME too, it helped relieve the pressure. I felt stronger, I had no nerves, no expectations, so not setting anything up in advance.

I am willing to bet that the guy you are meeting up with will also be thinking that he may have changed too, so don't think it's all about YOU and how YOU look. He may be as nervous as you are.

In any case, if it is all about looks and a stupid idea of a size 8 or whatever, and he's rude, or goes quiet then the guy's an arse and he's saved you the bother of leaving him for dust. It's HIM that would be the reject, never you! YOU could always lose weight, a guy that would treat a woman badly will always be a prick.

YOU are ALRIGHT! YOU have many fabulous qualities, and YOU are good enough for YOU, you are good enough for your DC, and you are good enough for anyone else.

You are interviewing for the best job in the world, to be loved by you, so be stringent and be confident in yourself.

Take things slowly, it's been a while and you need to build up your confidence a bit.

good luck and HAVE FUN!

But he didn't say any of the following:

a) nothing cos he deleted your number
b) 'it's ok, I like my women *cuddly/big/fat' (delete as necessary)
c) 'well, we wont eat lunch then'

He is interested in YOU! as a woman, smile and enjoy it!

Oh, meant to say, that next date, 6m ago? Still with him, he's ADORABLE!

Aww thanks Hissy that's lovely.

Good post Hissy :)

I've been thinking about what you said Hissy and you're right. I've been going about this the wrong way. I need to make sure he's good enough for me too.

I need to get a grip and stop being so wet! My whole mind set has changed since yesterday thank you for that.

Marvellous news! that's the healthy mindset!

What I also wanted to float past you is this:

This bloke is your first relationship in 8 years? then understand one thing, he is very likely NOT going to be the Forever Man, The One. He will be a Transition Man.

One that you may go out with for a while, it may or may not be an enjoyable experience, but your purpose with him is to LEARN.

I hold that when we start dating after a long time/now defunct relationship, WE are not ready for Mr Perfect, even if he were to come knocking on our door.

When we start seeing someone new, if we build them up to be Mr Future Husband, it's a title they have not earned, especially if we've just met them, only texted, so you have to understand that its a false image of them, let them EARN that title. Let them show YOU how perfect they are for you. That understanding only comes with time.

Understand that this guy probably IS a TRANSITION MAN, he's probably not for Forever. I'm not saying go into this with defeatism, far from it, you are there to observe, watch, learn how relationships work again, work out where your boundaries are, and respect his. Go in with your mind open, leave the heart in a safe place for now. You will learn everything you need to learn in this process, each disappointment will lead you steps closer to your Forever Man. Relax, it will happen, and you will be OK.

Oh yes, and Beware the spark, if a spark leads you to behave/think in ways you can't really control, it's a bad thing. ALWAYS listen to your intuition - THE FIRST TIME

We have to lose the vulnerability and lack of confidence, lose the fear of rejection, being hurt etc, and we can do this by accepting that it WILL probably happen, but that we have come through worse and can do so again. You are not looking to be rescued, you are perfectly able to rescue yourself, and besides, you are on MN... that's all the back up anyone needs.

janflan, great you have turned this around! You've inspired me.

It's about us interviewing them as much Hissy!!

Thanks that makes a lot of sense.

There's no way I'm looking at this as anything long term. He's too young and we're too different for that. I just feel like i need a bit of fun and flirting for now. I'm not ready for another relationship anytime soon.

Ok. talking of intuition something's been bothering me. He gets a bit funny and demanding if i don't reply to his texts straight away. I had to tell him yesterday t chill that i was working and couldn't always respond straight away. I'm going to have to keep an eye on that.

I'm not wasting anymore time on arseholes so hopefully i can spot the signs.

Pirate it's all thanks to Hissy.

Right he's pissed me off now!

I just text him to make sure everything was ok still for today. He said yeah but i won't know until 11 for definite because my workmate who's covering for me isn't very reliable!

Is he taking the piss? I cancelled lunch with my sisters for this and now he expects me to wait around till 11 for him to may or may not meet me! Well he can sod off. If he'd have told me this yesterday it would have been ok.

I thought he'd taken a day's holiday?

So did i!

I just told him to leave it for todayand i can do what i originally planned because if i leave it until 11 it would be too late to go out with my sisters and i will have ditched them for nothing. It won't be but if hethinks I'm getting all dressed up for him to then say he can't make it then he can think again.

Normally i would have just said that's fine just let me know but I'm worth more than that.

He replied are you sure and i said yes and now he feels bad.

I feel bad now he keeps texting me saying he feels bad.

God, all sounds hard work already?

It is and it shouldn't be.

I'm done with it all now. I think i've scared him off with my new found confidence anyway.

You've done the right thing. If he's like this before you've even met, it's not a good sign.

Of most concern is the fact that he only flagged up a problem when you asked him if he was still OK to meet. He should have warned you as soon as he knew there might be a problem. That would have been OK, plans can change, especially where work is concerned, but he should have kept you informed.

Go out with your sisters and leave your phone at home or switched off.

He can easily re-arrange this and hopefully will suggest another date soon. I work on a 3-strikes policy.

In the meantime, though, can you give us some examples of this:

He gets a bit funny and demanding if i don't reply to his texts straight away

Yeah if he'd have told me yesterday that this was a possibility then that would have been ok. I would have been prepared for it, but to spring it on me at the last minute isn't on. I told him that too and now he's gone all quiet. He's probably wondering where the meek and mild one has gone. Well he wanted an assertive older woman.

Examples are - yesterday when we were discussing where to go today he'd text me but i was driving and then in town so couldn't answer straight away and if i didn't reply in a couple of minutes he'd text me again saying something like babe? Nothing bad but annoying. Oh and when i answered one of his messages with lol he told me i needed to write more!

God that drives me wild too. When you don't reply instantly to a text and then you get the "Are you OK?" "You still there?" "Helloooo?"

I'm loving the new janflan by the way. You should be proud of yourself for how you've handled this.

He should be coming up with alternatives now for when he can take you out. If not, it's his loss!