Who should pay for bridesmaid/Matron of Honour expenses?

[OrangeClub]

I was asked to be Matron of Honour for a friend (also a work colleague but more of a friend to be honest) around eighteen months ago. The wedding was supposed to take place in April but was cancelled last Christmas due to my friend having a few wobbles. This is her second marriage.

Anyway in May of this year they set a new date for October of this year. The wedding is in two weeks time. I am still Matron of Honour.

So far I have paid £100.00 for the hen do, £200.00 for a hotel for the wedding itself (it's 200 miles from where I live), £100.00 on shoes and a bag and obviously I will spend a bit over the wedding weekend.

I am a single parent on a very low income, however I hadn't given these expenses any thought as I have never been asked to be Matron of Honour before. I know I am finding it difficult to find the money to pay for these things but I hadn't thought that anyone else would be responsible for paying for the hotel, etc. It just has never crossed my mind.

To be honest when they cancelled the wedding at Christmas I didn't think that they would rebook for this year and it would give me more time to save up for it. Anyway I am feeling the pinch a little bit and I am quite worried now by the money I have been spending on it. Not in a horrible way towards my friends (my friend and her husband to be are lovely) but I am finding it quite difficult to manage.

I mentioned my worries to a friend at lunchtime as I don't get paid again until after the wedding and I am worried about bills etc. She was amazed that I had had to pay for my own hotel, and travelling costs etc. She was also amazed that I was paying for my nails to be done myself and my hair etc.

I really don't know who pays for what at a wedding so could someone shed any light on this for me?

No, OP, it IS your friend's fault. There's a kind of arrogance in thinking your wedding is so important that people will be willing to fork out hundreds to be a part of it, regardless of their financial circumstances and income.

Don't get me started on people who get married abroad and get huffy when guests can't attend!

I think that any expenses specifically incurred from the role should be the bride's responsibility - dress, shoes, hair, make up, flowers. I didn't pay for my bridesmaids to stay in the wedding hotel or for their meal, activity etc for the hen do, but they had choices there and I had a modest hen do so that everyone could come, and put people up overnight if they weren't local. Also, if I'd known one of my guests would struggle to fund travel etc I hope I'd have subtly found a way to help. If the bridesmaid offers to help with the costs that's a different thing.

I think that part of the problem has been that the hen do (which was around four hours from where we live) and the wedding (which is also a long way away) have been so close to each other. I don't know if this how it normally works but there was only three weeks between both events. I do appreciate that £100.00 for a hen do is relatively cheap but because it was so close to the wedding it was hard to find the money for it.

It's been interesting though seeing what other people think about this. Everyone seems to have a very different view point.

I am also sure that if my friend knew how hard I was finding it to scrape the money together then she would be mortified. She knows my circumstances, single parent, not earning a lot etc but I think she is so excited about the wedding that it hasn't really occurred to her what this is costing.

As a rule, I would expect to pay for my own travel and accommodation - including the hen night...These are the things I'd expect to pay for as a 'normal' guest. Dress, hair, nails, accessories etc should be the bride's responsibility. That's been my experience in the past, but I appreciate others may do differently...

So what Molehillmountain said basically! :)

Agree that I would have expected to pay costs that I would have incurred as a guest, for wedding and hen night. Anything over that or for any specified clothing, I woudl expect bride to pay for.

Everyone seems to have a very different view point

Hmm I don't think that's true. I think the general consensus (give or take) is that members of the bridal party shouldn't incur unreasonable costs over and above what they would have had were they just a regular guest at the wedding.

I realise that everyone does these things differently, my father paid for the bridesmaids dresses and shoes (I gave a colour, they picked the stye) , hair and make up (on day and trial). I bought them pearls as a gift. They paid for own hotel (local so optional to stay) and hen night. Our rehersal was in the church then all back to my parents for take away (paid for by dad).

I think you have a lot of financial obligations with this wedding and not a lot of time to pay for it.

Could you share with the bride the night before (bottle of fizz, pj's and girly dvd) to reduce accomodation costs? As a guest you would still have had to travel so sharing is better than paying full price yourself.
Could you do your own hair/make up/nails?

Not drinking is another option. You would have a few between the champagne, wine with meal and toast etc.

You need to talk to her about it. You need to be honest.

Her own wedding excitements should not be more important than financially crippling her maid of honour! She either lacks manners or knowledge, or she is happy for you to carry the cost. Lovely she may be, but bad mannered and inconsiderate seems to be pretty high up her list of traits too!

Hmm I don't think that's true. I think the general consensus (give or take) is that members of the bridal party shouldn't incur unreasonable costs over and above what they would have had were they just a regular guest at the wedding

Yep, that's about right Vivi..

100GBP cheap for a hen night?

I must be seriously out of touch as I think that that is a lot for what is essentially a night out!

Mind you, I had a BBQ at my parents so it cost the guests the price of travel & any food drink that they contributed (nothing was asked for).

I don't understand why there seems to be a growing tradition that the bride gets paid for on the hen night/weekend/trip abroad! Isn't she getting enough treats?

When we got married, bridesmaids paid for their travel, hotel and shoes.

We paid for the dress. With hair, it was up to them whether they went to hairdressers, or did it themselves.

I sympathise, weddings are so expensive. I'm broke at the moment after my cousin got married in Italy. I really should have given an excuse, but when the invite arrived in January, and I was in a better financial position, so said we were going. Still paying the credit card bill now.

Do you have to stay in expensive hotel, can you stay down the road in cheap Travelodge?

I am looking into other, hopefully cheaper, accommodation. I do wish I hadn't left it so late though. The main point here is that I wouldn't want to upset my friend or make her think that I don't want to come or be involved as her matron of honour.

When i got married 2 years ago I only had my cousin as moh. She flew in from abroad with her dh. They paid for their own flights as there was no way I would possibly afford that but they made a holiday out of it and visited family etc.
They also paid for their hotel.
I paid for her dress, make up, and hair. She got her own shoes as I was not fussed and just wanted her to be comfy.

I only asked her to be my moh after i knew she was definately coming as I didn't want to put any pressure on her.

If you sign up to emails on the Premier Inn website, they then email you special offers for a room for 29 or even 19 quid quite regularly. We stayed at a wedding in London for 19 last year. And Premier Inns are really very nice, if not flash - clean, comfy, newly refurbed, good bathrooms.

Though I am utterly weirded out that I just typed P I website, yet it is showing on my screen now as a hyperlink to that website. How very bizarre.

I paid for my matron of honour's hair and nails to be done; we had a great morning at the hairdresser's all together (I also paid for her dd's hair to be done) and even had a couple of glasses of bubbly (14 years ago now, so can't remember if I brought it or if the hairdresser treated us). I didn't pay for the hotel for her dh and her and her two kids - but would have done if she's asked (but it wouldn't have occurred to her to ask, plus both her dh and she are GPs, so had the cash). She would have come to my wedding anyway, in the same way as I went to her wedding and paid for two night's hotel accommodation then myself.

I would have paid for her dress too, but she suggested wearing a nice silk dress that she had worn at her sister's wedding , which actually went with my colour theme. Instead, I bought her nice ear-rings that went with the dress and were also her "thank you".

Didn't have a proper hen night though, so never had that expense.

I was thinking about this earlier... as she is a good friend would you have gone to the wedding even if you were not MoH?

If so, would you have bought a dress and shoes? Had your hair, make up and nails done? Had to pay for drinks, travel and accomodation? attend hen night? Buy a gift?

The only thing above that I do not do when attending a wedding is have my make up done.

If you are really struggling you need to speak to her now, just because the bride is earning more than you does not mean she will have a lot of spare money atm and may need a bit of notice cover expences she is not expecting. Could your dress and so on count as your 'gift'?

Any update OP?

I have to agree with those that have said that your friend doesn't seem much of a friend as she seems to think you should have to incur all these costs to be part of her day. Especially as she knows your financial circumstances. It's a real bugbear of mine when people have big, fancy weddings hundreds of miles from home and expect others to pick up the tab. It isn't fair. I actually think it's really arrogant of a bride to just assume that someone will be so delighted to be their bridesmaid they will pay hundreds in order to do it.

As you're part of the bridal party, I would expect that the bride and groom would cover all of your expenses, apart from the hen do. So that would be dress, shoes, flowers, hair, make up, manicure (if the bride wants you to have those three done professionally), travel, food, drinks, hotel accommodation.

I think, unless you want to end up drastically out of pocket (and lets face it, you could probably have a holiday abroad for the amount it will all cost you overall!!), you need to speak to your friend. Tell her you are struggling to cover the expenses required. See what she says. She might go all Bridezilla-ish, or she might be mortified. But I think you either need to speak to her or if you can't/won't do that then you need to just suck it up.

Have you paid for your hotel yet OP? Is it possible for you to stay with a relative of the bride, mum, sister etc who lives near to the church, rather than in a hotel, to cut your costs down?

"If so, would you have bought a dress and shoes? Had your hair, make up and nails done? Had to pay for drinks, travel and accomodation? attend hen night? Buy a gift?"

If I go to a wedding as a guest I usually wear a dress and shoes I already own, If I buy a new one it'll be one I can wear to other stuff, so not bridesmaidy! (do people really buy a new outfit for every wedding they attend as guests????)

I'ld also do my own hair, nails and make up, and I would probably only stay the night OF the wedding and wouldn't be "charged" for the rehersal dinner

I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses, shoes, necklaces, hairclips and having their make-up done. They did each other's hair. My parents paid for the rehearsal meal. It was exceptionally useful to have all the bridesmaids at the rehearsal as the children had the chance to meet the adults and they all knew where they were going and when (although it wouldn't have mattered at all if the little nieces had insisted that their mum or dad walk down the aisle with them!)

I paid my share for my hen night.

I didn't pay for the BMs to stay in the hotel, as they all had family to stay with within a short walk/reasonable taxi ride, but did offer my house to any guests who needed accommodation as DH and I got a room at the hotel as part of the wedding package.