Who should pay for bridesmaid/Matron of Honour expenses?

[OrangeClub]

I was asked to be Matron of Honour for a friend (also a work colleague but more of a friend to be honest) around eighteen months ago. The wedding was supposed to take place in April but was cancelled last Christmas due to my friend having a few wobbles. This is her second marriage.

Anyway in May of this year they set a new date for October of this year. The wedding is in two weeks time. I am still Matron of Honour.

So far I have paid £100.00 for the hen do, £200.00 for a hotel for the wedding itself (it's 200 miles from where I live), £100.00 on shoes and a bag and obviously I will spend a bit over the wedding weekend.

I am a single parent on a very low income, however I hadn't given these expenses any thought as I have never been asked to be Matron of Honour before. I know I am finding it difficult to find the money to pay for these things but I hadn't thought that anyone else would be responsible for paying for the hotel, etc. It just has never crossed my mind.

To be honest when they cancelled the wedding at Christmas I didn't think that they would rebook for this year and it would give me more time to save up for it. Anyway I am feeling the pinch a little bit and I am quite worried now by the money I have been spending on it. Not in a horrible way towards my friends (my friend and her husband to be are lovely) but I am finding it quite difficult to manage.

I mentioned my worries to a friend at lunchtime as I don't get paid again until after the wedding and I am worried about bills etc. She was amazed that I had had to pay for my own hotel, and travelling costs etc. She was also amazed that I was paying for my nails to be done myself and my hair etc.

I really don't know who pays for what at a wedding so could someone shed any light on this for me?

I've been bridesmaid twice, during which I paid for hen night, travel, hotel, dress, hair & makeup.

I've been a bride once - during which I paid for my 3 bridesmaids' dresses, hair & makeup and accommodation. They paid their own travel. and my hen night was at home, so the only costs my bridesmaid paid was for nibbles and Prosecco.

I paid for everything for my bridesmaids incl travel and hotels, shoes bags etc

when I was a BM my accomodation was paid but not travel (to another country) and I bought my own shoes but because I was buying my own I only spent £10 on them. Did you choose your own shoes and bag? that makes a difference, if they HAD to be X pair and Y bag and it had to be £100 then I don't think you should have paid, if they were any pair of say X colour strappy sandles then okay for BM to pay as can be found in any budget

Hen do, yes you do usually pay and even pay a share of the brides costs there

I am having to go down the night before the wedding because the rehearsal is at 6.00pm on the Friday. I am sharing the cost of travel with another friend, who is very kindly driving, but obviously I will be paying half of the petrol costs there and back. I am spending two nights in the hotel, one the night before the wedding and the actual wedding night.

The bride has also booked a meal for 20 odd people on the Friday night, which is another expense I hadn't factored in. I hadn't really considered these things under the 'wedding' banner so hadn't included them in my OP.

I was a bridesmaid for my friend 3 yrs ago and she paid for my dress, shoes, hair and make-up and jewellery.

I paid to go on the hen weekend and to stay at the hotel on the night of the wedding.

This was exactly what I expected.

Halloween - the shoes and bag had to be a particular colour and sparkly. There wasn't a great deal of choice in that colour at this time of year to be honest.

Just to be absolutely clear. I am not upset with my friend about the costs of the wedding. It's my own stupid fault for not clarifying with her the actual costs before I agreed to be MoH. I don't want to seem as if I am penny pinching either but all of these small amounts, shoes, bag, hair, nails, meal etc, when added together are quite a bit of money. I just didn't realise how much money would be involved when I said yes.

dinner the night before is a "rehersal dinner" which is paid for by the couple or their families, I would be as ed if I had to pay for that as I would if I got a bill at the end of sitting down to the actual wedding breakfast!

Hen do...I would expect you to pay for yourself and perhaps you and the rest of the hens cover my (the brides) costs.

what? I bloody wouldn't! I think if people are coming on a hen do they are spending time and money of their own to please the bride who chooses where when and how they spend their time. I think the bride expecting to be paid for as well is a massive piss take!

Anyway, going back on track, OP, if I asked someone to be part of my wedding party, I would provide their outfit and pay for their hair and shoes. I would also arrange transport for them, but would probably expect the MOH to pay own hotel bill unless I was very flush. If I wasn't flush, I would try and get them a good rate at the hotel or pay part of their bill.

I would do my own hair and nails. Are you sure you can't save some money on the bag and shoes by returning the ones you have and getting cheaper alternatives.
Also, you could try contacting the hotel and asking for their cheapest room/ plead poverty/ cry or whatever, they might be able to help. A taxi to a local B and B might be a lot cheaper.

I thought I should pay for all of it but then my other friend was surprised at what I had had to pay for. It just got me thinking I suppose. I wish she hadn't said anything now!

Crying sounds like a very good option, Someone!

Yes I am paying for my own meal and drinks on the night before the wedding Halloween

You really don't need to go to the rehearsal, there is nothing that can't be explained to you onThe morning of the wedding. That would save you a lot.

The bride should definitely make it possible for you to stay in the same hotel as the wedding party. She should either pay or get you a good rate. Doing someone a favour isn't so much of an honour that you should go into debt for it or suffer financially.

that is totally out of order, the shoes/travel may be a difference of opinion but I have NEVER heard of anyone hosting a rehersal dinner and not paying for the guests as you would with the reception!

get a pizza delivered to your room!

I think if you're expected to stay at the actual wedding venue hotel, and it's really expensive, that should be covered. Maybe ask if you can stay at a B&B and get up really early and go over? If you explain the cost issue the bride has no grounds to mind, I don't think. It's perfectly okay to expect the BM to pay for accommodation and hen do, as she'd go anyway, just not for lavish accommodation that follows on from the role.

The dress should not be your expense. I really dislike weddings where ushers etc are expected to pay hire charges, too.

Sorry did I miss something? You have to pay to attend the rehearsal dinner? No way! Tell the bride you can't come because you can't afford it. Be blunt.

Also never heard of people paying their own rehearsal dinner or for the bride at the hen do, unless the hens club together voluntarily (has happened, yes). But not as an obligation.

I would expect the matron of homour/ bridesmaid to pick up the tab, except in exceptional circumstances. However, I think it should probably be spelled out in the beginning. When i was Matron of homour I bought my own dress, shoes, etc, although my hair and make-up was paid for by the bride. I would also expect to pay for my own hotel room, meals and travel, but then I can afford to. If I was the bride and I had asked someone who couldn't afford to do so to be my bridesmaid then I would at least discuss it with them and come to an amicable agreement.

I think that part of the problem is that different people have different expectations and ideas and there are no hard and fast rules about who pays for what.

It never even occurred to me that someone, other than me, would have to pay for any of these things. I just thought it was all part and parcel of being asked to be in the wedding party. The meal was arranged very last minute (ie yesterday morning!) I didn't even know about it until yesterday lunchtime

My friend has just asked me to her chief bridesmaid . she's going to be getting married overseas and although it's next summer, I'm already breaking out into a sweat about how much it'll cost.

Flights, accommodation, wedding gift, hen-do, dress etc. DD will be 18 months and I will need to go for at least 3 nights so DD and DP will come. Even if I got everything as cheap as I could it's still going to be verging on £750-£1000. DP isn't working at the mo and all my wages are gone at the end of each month. God knows how we're going to do it.

She's not suggested they'll cover any £ but I feel that if I choose to get married overseas then a) I would cover £ of flights and acc. for at least 2 nights (their choice if they want to stay longer and make a holiday out of it) and pay for dresses. Or at least let bridesmaids wear something they've already got and pay for some jazzing up of dress or b) say you'll understand if they can't make it rather than 'you are the only person I want to be there - you have to come...purrrrrlease' kind of emotional blackmail.

Just shoot me now!

ButtonBoo just say that if it's that important to her that you are there then either get married at home or pay for you to get there. I don't really understand why anyone would say yes if they can't afford it. Make your position clear from the off then there is a choice involved.

Button, much as it would be lovely to take dd and dh, if you just go on you, own would that not make it a lot cheaper?

If I had stipulated that my bridesmaids had certian things I would have paid for them. As in bags and shoes. We paid for the bridesmaids outfits, including shoes, because we chose them. It was easier for us as no-one had to travel. That said, when I travelled to Ireland for a friend's wedding we didn't expect anything other than to pay our own costs.

If I buy new shoes, or an entire outfit, for someone else's special occasion I expect to pay for it myself. Also any costs involved getting to the venue. That's something that should be planned in advance. So, I'd say the happy couple should probably pay for the outfit they've chosen for the ceremony because you are a part of the ceremony, but not other things if you've chosen to buy them.

Button- that makes me so angry! DH and I had a period of serious skint-ness until he found a job recently and I get so annoyed when people are insensitive to this. They expect people to use up their annual family holiday budget for a couple of days fawning around someone else's wedding.

It doesn't matter if you've been asked to be BM, if it's abroad, just say you haven't got the budget for it and can't come. Sorry.

She should not expect you and your family to shell out because of one of her wedding day whims. That's a serious amount of money!

I keep saying it, but I'm going to say it again. It's fine to choose to marry abroad. It's NOT fine to harangue people into coming when it's obviously going to cost so much.

I was matron of honour last year and paid for nothing. Wedding was quite a way away so was put up in a hotel the day before and given a manicure and all my meals etc also with the bride and other bridesmaid. On the day itself was given a suite at the wedding hotel for my DH and I (he was head usher), again paid for by them. I did buy my shoes as I wanted something comfy and was able to do my own hair and makeup (used to be a beautician) although she would have let me use her girl if i'd wanted.

For our wedding (10 years ago) i paid for all 3 bridesmaid dresses, shoes, accessories and hair but it was local so didn't have to pay for accomodation for anyone. Some of our ushers paid for their suit, some didn't (we didn't ask them to, they insisted on paying for it)

I think I got my hen do paid for by the hens (stripper, nightclub etc) but i bought my drinks and a round etc.

We are about to go to a wedding next month which is miles away and are having to stay 2 nights away - the groom is paying for one night and we are paying for the other which I thought was very kind - DH is best man (although the groom is doing this for all his guests as he wants us there for the day before the BIG day to chill out and have fun etc) The hen do is costing quite a bit but I don't mind as there very good friends and DH being the best man is apying for all kinds of things for the stag but again it's because they are good friends.

Weddings abroad fill me with dread, so far we haven't had to say yes or no as no one has suggested it but it will happen one day I know.

Bloomin' 'eck. The phone rang and i was stopped from finishing my post - i would have been the first replier, now 49 posts in front of me