Who should pay for bridesmaid/Matron of Honour expenses?

[OrangeClub]

I was asked to be Matron of Honour for a friend (also a work colleague but more of a friend to be honest) around eighteen months ago. The wedding was supposed to take place in April but was cancelled last Christmas due to my friend having a few wobbles. This is her second marriage.

Anyway in May of this year they set a new date for October of this year. The wedding is in two weeks time. I am still Matron of Honour.

So far I have paid £100.00 for the hen do, £200.00 for a hotel for the wedding itself (it's 200 miles from where I live), £100.00 on shoes and a bag and obviously I will spend a bit over the wedding weekend.

I am a single parent on a very low income, however I hadn't given these expenses any thought as I have never been asked to be Matron of Honour before. I know I am finding it difficult to find the money to pay for these things but I hadn't thought that anyone else would be responsible for paying for the hotel, etc. It just has never crossed my mind.

To be honest when they cancelled the wedding at Christmas I didn't think that they would rebook for this year and it would give me more time to save up for it. Anyway I am feeling the pinch a little bit and I am quite worried now by the money I have been spending on it. Not in a horrible way towards my friends (my friend and her husband to be are lovely) but I am finding it quite difficult to manage.

I mentioned my worries to a friend at lunchtime as I don't get paid again until after the wedding and I am worried about bills etc. She was amazed that I had had to pay for my own hotel, and travelling costs etc. She was also amazed that I was paying for my nails to be done myself and my hair etc.

I really don't know who pays for what at a wedding so could someone shed any light on this for me?

I gave my bridesmaids a budget of X amount each. Any dresses, shoes, bags etc I would pay for up to this amount - anything over this is up to them. I let them both choose whatever dress they wanted, although I specified what colour.

I will also be paying for one of them to have her hair done, and my god-daughter who is on a beauty course is doing makeup. The other one has chosen to get her own hair and makeup artist (!) so she is paying for that. I am quite happy for them to use their own existing shoes, or buy a pair in whatever colour they want - the dresses they have chosen are floor length, and knowing them, they will kick their shoes off as soon as we get to the reception anyway!

I will be giving them jewellery as a thank-you gift

I paid for my two bridesmaids to stay with me the night before the wedding in the hotel, but they paid for themselves to stay the night of the wedding as they stayd with their own DP/DH. I paid for their dresses and shoes and offered to pay to have their make up done, but not hair or nails or anything. I did my own hair and I couldn't have cared less what their nails looked like so I wasn't about to pay for that.

I also bought them boleros to go with the dresses, but one BM wanted hers custom made rather than the one that just went with the dress because she is fairly big and she didn't like the cut of it, so I just paid for the fabric and she paid for it to be made herself.

They chipped (with others) in to pay for my place on the hen do, but I spent double what my place cost on champagne for everyone.

Button I think you need to be honest with your friend (who TBH doesn't sound like much of one anyway!) and say that you can't afford it. She can then decide whether to factor your expenses into the wedding budget or to have someone else.

OP people have very different ideas about who should pay for what but my opinion is that bridesmaids should not be out of pocket because of it. My bridesmaids didn't pay for anything other than shoes, which they each chose themselves. I felt that I was inviting them to share 'my' day as a thank you for their long-term friendship, not that I was doing them a favour by asking them. Other people feel differently though, which is why it's so important for the bride to be upfront about costs when she asks.

Thank you for all of your responses. All of you are right in one way or another!

Like I said I should have asked about what was expected, costs etc before I agreed to do it. I think I was just so pleased to have been asked I didn't think. I didn't factor in all of the costs of going. At the time it seemed so far away that I thought I could budget for it. Then it was cancelled and then rebooked in May this year for October this year. I live on a hand to mouth basis quite a lot of the time and scraping the money together over three pay days has been quite hard.

I would not dream of saying anything to her or to anyone who knows her because I am sure she would be mortified

If she is your good friend she will want to know. If I was the bride then I would be sad if I thought you thought you couldn't tell me.

I am going to have a chat with her tomorrow about it. Going to try and find some cheaper accommodation as the hotel cost is crippling me. I hope she isn't upset about it.

This wedding malarkey is a minefield! Everyone has different ideas about things. Thankfully my friend is lovely and I hope she will understand. I have worked out that the wedding will cost me around £600 in total which is not really a lot of money but it's a fortune to me at the moment.

I paid for my BM's dresses, hairdresser, accommodation and food for 2 nights before the wedding, plus bouquets of course. They paid to travel up, plus their shoes (I didn't enforce a style, just a colour), and for their accommodation on the night of the wedding - ie effectively the costs they'd pay if they were attending as an ordinary guest. For the hen do, we had a tiny get-together: they took me to a spa and paid for my massage, then we went for a meal where we all paid our way.

If I'd thought though that either of them would struggle financially with the bits they did pay for I would have paid without a second thought. I think it's a bit off to demand contributions for big-ticket things without giving some tactful thought to people's financial situations first.

Have only read the first page of the thread. In my experience payments vary from wedding to wedding. I think a sensible guide is that B&G should cover any additional expenses that arise from being a bridesmaid or should be upfront about it before asking.

I agree with the suggestions of telling the bride that times are tough so you plan to do your own hair/nails (presumably you don't need to match anyone else as you're the only bridesmaid) and asking about sharing transport.

If you've paid for your dress and aren't likely to wear it again, perhaps have a look at selling it after the event.

Everyone is different! It depends on your budget/your relationship with your BMs etc.

I had 4 BMs - 3 friends and 1 DSis

My BMs all picked dresses in different styles (same colour) so they could wear them again. Two of my BMs were skint at thew time so I paid for their dresses (@£120 each). My DSis and 1 BM were reasonably well off - and both offered to pay. I explained about the other 2 BMs and they still paid for theirs (quietly)

All 4 BMs bought their own shoes/accessories as they again picked something they could use again.

Sorry, reading that back it doesn't look much help!

Oh - I paid for all of their hair but they paid for their own mains/pedis

I bought the dress last November before the first wedding day was cancelled so luckily that has been bought and paid for for nearly a year. I might wear it again at Christmas as it's a colour that the bride wanted but a style that suited me (no frills!). She picked it but I paid for it.

Could you also ask her if it is possible to pay her back for some stuff - say the rehearsal meal (definitely think she is a bit off making you pay this though!) and anything else you can think of, just until the next pay day or two, and see what she says.

I'd also definitely say that whilst you are happy to watch her have her nails painted/hair done if she wants (ie so you are there for the girlie bonding experience), that you just can't justify spending so much money that you don't have at the moment, especially with all the other costs of the wedding and so little time to save up.

I suspect that if the wedding wasn't so close to Christmas then I wouldn't be so worried about it. I earn a pittance and the fact that the wedding was rebooked in May for October has made things really tight financially. I hate being skint and I'm afraid that all I can think about is all the stuff my little boy wants for Christmas. I don't do credit so everything is paid for in cash or I don't have it.

My friend who is getting married works in the same firm as me but she is very well paid and I am very badly paid (we don't do the same job). She also lives with her partner and has two wages coming in and not one.

But none of this is her fault and I feel bad even talking about it on here.

Hmmmm...some thinking needed. Maybe DD and DP don't have to come but I think the flights will be one of the cheapest parts tbh. One hotel for just me is the same £ if DP and DD come. Probably more if it's just me as I'll have to pay single occupancy,

I'm sure I can buy a nice dress somewhere for £50.

And maybe I'll reciprocate the bridesmaid offer as her wedding 'gift'? Or should I call that 'payback'?!?!

At the time of our wedding, my MOH and the two bridesmaids (her daughters) were living about 200 miles away. We paid for her outfit (which we chose together ), she stayed with us the night before the wedding and we paid for her accommodation at the hotel. We also paid for the hairdresser on the morning of the wedding - we did our own makeup. She had her own shoes that she wanted to wear, and I bought her a bag. The only thing that she had to pay for was petrol to get down to us. We were particularly conscious of this as at the time of the wedding, she was going through a tough time financially. We did our utmost to make sure she didn't have to worry.

I think the bride should be checking this with you, and I would certainly expect them to provide your accommodation, and help with travel arrangements, especially since the wedding is so far away. I would also expect her to provide your outfit, particularly since she wanted a say on the style/colour etc.

If she is having hair/nails/grooming done on the big day, think she should arrange this for you too.

Hope it goes well.

Orange she probably just hasn't thought about it. If you were my friend I would want you to tell me you were struggling and I would be mortified that I had been so thoughtless.

Button I would either be straight with your friend about your finances or turn the job down. It is not worth the stress or the cost to your family.

To be fair she does know how skint I am. But it's her wedding day and she is so excited about it so I don't want to worry her with my problems. I am positive that the weekend will be lovely. They are a lovely couple and I am so happy she has found someone who makes her happy. Her previous husband was not nice to her.

When I got married i paid for all dresses / hair / makeup / shoes, and I think I paid for the hotel the night before (we all stayed in the same room ). They paid for their rooms on the wedding night.

As a BM I have bought my own shoes twice (my choice of shoe, though), and done my own makeup and had my hair paid for or did it myself. I also paid for accommodation on the night of the wedding (I stayed with friends the night before both times) and paid for my own travel.

The night before each there was a meal with the bride and other BM's, one I paid for, the other was paid for by another BM's DH as a gift to us all. I wouldn't have minded paying myself though.

On pretty much every hen do I've been on (incl my own) the bride has not been expected to pay for anything. This doesn't mean though that the Hen expected not to pay!

I think if you are stressing about costs you really really need to say something to your friend. TBH. When I've been involved in a wedding party either as BM or the bride, there has always been consideration paid to the financial situation of everyone involved, as costs can get out of control and that is not fair when you are being told that you must do a b and c.

OP you're friend may be lovely but she is very unreasonable (and I'm sorry I think she's cheeky!!!) to be expecting YOU to pay to be in HER bridal party. I'm quite gobsmacked at this really..............

A family member of mine got married and had one bridesmaid who was her best friend since childhood. Anyway, bride and groom invited her to a very posh restaurant on the night before the wedding, and at the end of the meal asked her to cough up for her bill, which she was totally mortified about. She had assumed that they were treating her (I would have done the same!) and they were shocked that she assumed this. For goodness sake do some people think they can have the wedding that they want and expect others to pay for it?

the bride and groom

Well I thinkthat 600GBP is a lot to fork out to attend someone´s wedding!

Jeez!

I could fly back to UK to attend a wedding for that!

It's all of the little things that add up isn't it? The dress, shoes, bag, hair, nails, hotel, pre wedding meal, drinks, petrol. All of these things on their own don't sound like that much money but when you add it all together it does seem like a lot.

I think that if I get asked again I would want to pin down what the cost is going to be for me and then decide, rather than just saying yes and then having to find the money. It's not my friend's fault, it's mine for not thinking about the cost implications.

Well I kind of think that it is your friend´s fault tbh.

I mean a rehearsal the night before meaning dinner & a hotel stop over??

Really?

She´s just about doubled your costs there.

And I think that buying your own outfit just isn´t on when your are a MOH.