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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to cancel night away?

65 replies

DeSelby · 02/10/2012 08:39

I have two children, DS1 (2 & 1/2), and DS2 (1 year). My DH has planned a night out in his hometown (200 miles away) on Saturday. This was agreed and he has booked tickets. DH doesn't go out often and is very much looking forward to his night away.

My dad is going into hospital and having a heart bypass this Thursday. He will be in intensive care at first but due out in 5 days. I want to visit him but I can't take the children to the hospital. My mum can look after one DS at a time, together they are too much of a handful.

AIBU in thinking he should cancel his trip so I can visit my dad? I suggested leaving later but it would cost £150.

OP posts:

HandHolding · 02/10/2012 11:10

Sorry you are right worra

TroublesomeEx · 02/10/2012 11:11

Yes, but hand this is the fifth or sixth time we've cancelled everything because we didn't expect him to come out.

I don't really want to discuss it because this is someone else's thread.

I'm happy with our decision, so's my dad's wife and the rest of the family.

I just wanted the OP to know that there are other people in similar situations and to give her an idea of how we are dealing with it, rather than just saying "YANBU" or "YABU" without really having any experience.

HandHolding · 02/10/2012 11:22

Do you think I don't have first hand experience too?

This is because I do that I am saying I completely understand the OP's pov of asking her DH to cancel his night out actually.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/10/2012 11:29

Worra - Fair point

Like Folk it was just intended to recognise that there are lots of different ways of handling a situation and you need to do what is right for your family.

DeSelby - if you genuinely think you can't cope without your DH then you need to tell him that. You may find that you will want to spend more time with your Dad once he is out of hospital as hospital visits are often limited in time and lacking in privacy. Its then that your DH can really pick up the childcare to free you up to support your parents more.

fait · 02/10/2012 11:30

Who said he would be in intensive care?
Usually the op means they have surgery, go back the cardiac ward and are home within 4 days.
I am sure the OP is very worried and I sincerely hope that it all happens wtihout complications, but I really don't see why her OH should not be allowed to spend less than 24 hours away from the home!
Unless I have missed a specific post about intensive care etc etc, then I really don't see what the problem is. Sadly it is a common operation now but at least this means that we are pretty good at it!

TroublesomeEx · 02/10/2012 11:35

Well in that case HandHolding I think we'll just have to agree to disagree and accept that different people in different circumstances might not make the same decisions we did in similar situations.

There is no generic right or wrong way of dealing with these situations.

All we can do is do what is best for us and what we believe is best for the family and keep our fingers crossed that we made the right decision.

Like fait said, these procedures, whilst scary for the patient and the family, are commonplace now. They know what to do, what to expect and all things considered, the OP's dad should recover well. I agree, DeSelby that if you feel you need him there, that is a different matter and you should tell him that.

fait · 02/10/2012 11:38

To be fair, the OP specifically wants him there as a child minding service as opposed to visiting the patient!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/10/2012 11:38

Couldn't you take the dc to the hospital and co ordinate with other family that will be visiting so that someone will be able to stay outside the ward with the dc while you go in?

I think cancelling the night out should be a last resort if the OP doesn't go well. Wait and see how it goes before changing the arrangement.

Alternatively, could he come home earlier on the Sunday so that you could go?

DamnTheManSaveTheEmpire · 02/10/2012 11:41

Of course yanbu! Your oh's plans are to go out and have a good time right? Tough you need him right now and your situation is far more important, he should have offered to cancel tbh.

HandHolding · 02/10/2012 11:46

the OP specifically wants him there as a child minding service

No the OP would like him to be present as a father and a husband. Friends can do child-minding, not fathers.

Jenny70 · 02/10/2012 11:47

I wouldn't ask him to cancel, but I am quite pragmatic about these things.

I would visit dad the morning before DH goes (assuming he's not gone at the crack of dawn), then again after DH gets back.

If complications arise etc, there is nothing you can actually DO, he's in the best possible hands, and your mum will be there for him (so not like Dad is alone in hospital).

If you're desperate to go that day, ask neighbour to watch youngest whilst asleep, take older one to hospital and ask Mum to take him to hospital cafe for quick snack so you can go into ICU.

Personally I would manage, but as I said I am quite pragmatic. My niece had heart surgery go wrong, but with 2 kids and being heavily pg I didn't go to the hospital, I knew I was more hinderance than help at the time... so I got texts and calls to update me.

fait · 02/10/2012 11:50

Handholding - the OP said that she could not/did not want to ask friends to babysit. She needs the OH for that.

Her OH is away for less than 24 hours. I really cannot see what the problem is here!

I imagine part of the stress is looking after two very young children - and nothing at all to do with her OH going away overnight.

Anyway - it is entirely possible that he won't be allowed to enjoy the night away even if he DOEs go, if he is getting as much grief as this!

Original poster

DeSelby · 02/10/2012 13:43

Thank you all for responding. Clearly it's not a cut and dried situation! Thank you all for the well wishes for my dad too.

Folk, so sorry for what you're going through - hijack away!

Worra, thank you for your thoughtful post.

I don't want my DH only as a childminding service but the practical side of things would be easier with him here. I think if the situation was reversed I probably would have cancelled immediately, which is why I was a bit miffed. I have friends that could help but would mean them finding child care themselves and am reluctant to ask that of them.

After a conversation we had earlier (before I posted!), DH has texted and said he'll play it by ear and won't go if I need him to stay. So hopefully my dad will be well on his way to recovery & DH can go and we'll all be happy. Thanks again for all responses!

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 02/10/2012 13:45

Thanks. DeSelby.

I think your husbands text is considered and fair. It's an ideal resolution really.

I hope your dad recovers well and your husband gets to enjoy his night away. x

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/10/2012 13:53

I would expect my DH to offer. I'd be very surprised if he didn't

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