AIBU to expect DH to cancel night away?

[DeSelby]

I have two children, DS1 (2 & 1/2), and DS2 (1 year). My DH has planned a night out in his hometown (200 miles away) on Saturday. This was agreed and he has booked tickets. DH doesn't go out often and is very much looking forward to his night away.

My dad is going into hospital and having a heart bypass this Thursday. He will be in intensive care at first but due out in 5 days. I want to visit him but I can't take the children to the hospital. My mum can look after one DS at a time, together they are too much of a handful.

AIBU in thinking he should cancel his trip so I can visit my dad? I suggested leaving later but it would cost £150.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I would expect my DH to offer. I'd be very surprised if he didn't

[TroublesomeEx]

Thanks. DeSelby.

I think your husbands text is considered and fair. It's an ideal resolution really.

I hope your dad recovers well and your husband gets to enjoy his night away. x

[DeSelby]

Thank you all for responding. Clearly it's not a cut and dried situation! Thank you all for the well wishes for my dad too.

Folk, so sorry for what you're going through - hijack away!

Worra, thank you for your thoughtful post.

I don't want my DH only as a childminding service but the practical side of things would be easier with him here. I think if the situation was reversed I probably would have cancelled immediately, which is why I was a bit miffed. I have friends that could help but would mean them finding child care themselves and am reluctant to ask that of them.

After a conversation we had earlier (before I posted!), DH has texted and said he'll play it by ear and won't go if I need him to stay. So hopefully my dad will be well on his way to recovery & DH can go and we'll all be happy. Thanks again for all responses!

[fait]

Handholding - the OP said that she could not/did not want to ask friends to babysit. She needs the OH for that.

Her OH is away for less than 24 hours. I really cannot see what the problem is here!

I imagine part of the stress is looking after two very young children - and nothing at all to do with her OH going away overnight.

Anyway - it is entirely possible that he won't be allowed to enjoy the night away even if he DOEs go, if he is getting as much grief as this!

[Jenny70]

I wouldn't ask him to cancel, but I am quite pragmatic about these things.

I would visit dad the morning before DH goes (assuming he's not gone at the crack of dawn), then again after DH gets back.

If complications arise etc, there is nothing you can actually DO, he's in the best possible hands, and your mum will be there for him (so not like Dad is alone in hospital).

If you're desperate to go that day, ask neighbour to watch youngest whilst asleep, take older one to hospital and ask Mum to take him to hospital cafe for quick snack so you can go into ICU.

Personally I would manage, but as I said I am quite pragmatic. My niece had heart surgery go wrong, but with 2 kids and being heavily pg I didn't go to the hospital, I knew I was more hinderance than help at the time... so I got texts and calls to update me.

[HandHolding]

the OP specifically wants him there as a child minding service

No the OP would like him to be present as a father and a husband. Friends can do child-minding, not fathers.

[DamnTheManSaveTheEmpire]

Of course yanbu! Your oh's plans are to go out and have a good time right? Tough you need him right now and your situation is far more important, he should have offered to cancel tbh.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Couldn't you take the dc to the hospital and co ordinate with other family that will be visiting so that someone will be able to stay outside the ward with the dc while you go in?

I think cancelling the night out should be a last resort if the OP doesn't go well. Wait and see how it goes before changing the arrangement.

Alternatively, could he come home earlier on the Sunday so that you could go?

[fait]

To be fair, the OP specifically wants him there as a child minding service as opposed to visiting the patient!

[TroublesomeEx]

Well in that case HandHolding I think we'll just have to agree to disagree and accept that different people in different circumstances might not make the same decisions we did in similar situations.

There is no generic right or wrong way of dealing with these situations.

All we can do is do what is best for us and what we believe is best for the family and keep our fingers crossed that we made the right decision.

Like fait said, these procedures, whilst scary for the patient and the family, are commonplace now. They know what to do, what to expect and all things considered, the OP's dad should recover well. I agree, DeSelby that if you feel you need him there, that is a different matter and you should tell him that.

[fait]

Who said he would be in intensive care?
Usually the op means they have surgery, go back the cardiac ward and are home within 4 days.
I am sure the OP is very worried and I sincerely hope that it all happens wtihout complications, but I really don't see why her OH should not be allowed to spend less than 24 hours away from the home!
Unless I have missed a specific post about intensive care etc etc, then I really don't see what the problem is. Sadly it is a common operation now but at least this means that we are pretty good at it!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Worra - Fair point

Like Folk it was just intended to recognise that there are lots of different ways of handling a situation and you need to do what is right for your family.

DeSelby - if you genuinely think you can't cope without your DH then you need to tell him that. You may find that you will want to spend more time with your Dad once he is out of hospital as hospital visits are often limited in time and lacking in privacy. Its then that your DH can really pick up the childcare to free you up to support your parents more.

[HandHolding]

Do you think I don't have first hand experience too?

This is because I do that I am saying I completely understand the OP's pov of asking her DH to cancel his night out actually.

[TroublesomeEx]

Yes, but hand this is the fifth or sixth time we've cancelled everything because we didn't expect him to come out.

I don't really want to discuss it because this is someone else's thread.

I'm happy with our decision, so's my dad's wife and the rest of the family.

I just wanted the OP to know that there are other people in similar situations and to give her an idea of how we are dealing with it, rather than just saying "YANBU" or "YABU" without really having any experience.

[HandHolding]

Sorry you are right worra

[WorraLiberty]

No disrespect to anyone here but when my Mum and Dad had their heart bypasses, I really wouldn't have wanted to be reading about death and terminal illness if I had started a thread.

Just thought I'd mention that for the OP's sake who is obviously stressed and worried about her Dad's operation.

However, please don't think I'm not sympathetic to those who have posted about their loved ones.

[HandHolding]

Sorry x post

[TroublesomeEx]

Lil well the current ward has very strict and restrictive visiting times so we're co-ordinating visiting with my brother, his wife and his ILs at the moment.

[HandHolding]

Folk was talking about her dad being in hospital and not coming out. Not learning that a parent has terminal cancer and they have 3 months left.
That's a completely different situation.

My experience is that with very close family like this, I would always put family first. It doesn't stop you from living your life. But When you are talking about the end of your life, then yes that takes precedence.

Same with the OP's situation actually.

[TroublesomeEx]

Chaz is right. (Sorry for brief hijack OP) The reasons she gave, are pretty much our reasons.

My dad was diagnosed 11 years ago. His illness was managed well for the first 7 years. The past 4 years have been a roll of hospital admission, transfer, discharge, readmission, waiting for the call, discharge, transfer...

The year before last, he spent 8 months having new tumours diagnosed, collapsing, and a series of hospital admissions/discharges. He was sometimes discharged and readmitted within the space of hours, transferred across the city... This isn't a 2 week thing and you can't cancel everything because your own life goes on.

so anyway, I was just saying DeSelby whatever is best for you and your family is what you need to do. I wouldn't ask my husband to cancel if your dad is recovering well. I would probably hope that he would offer to cancel if it seems necessary.

Hope your Dad makes a swift recovery.

[bowerbird]

YABU. Ditto what Margery said. Ask your friends. If they are real friends they will be happy to do it. Let your husband have his one night out.

Wishing your dad a speedy recovery.

[LilBlondePessimist]

Folk, your dh will live to see many many 'exciting opportunities' in the future, sadly your father has limited 'opportunities' to spend with you, his daughter. I'm afraid it wouldn't matter how much I protested, if I was in your situation there's nothing I could do to stop my dh canceling his events so as I could spend every minute possible with my dying father. After all, it's quite probable there won't be many of those minutes left anyway.

Sorry about your dad.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Handholding I was in a similar position to Folk as well. When someone has terminal cancer the process of saying goodbye is a long drawn out one as there is usually many months between diagnosis and death. You have to get on with your life during this time because otherwise you would be putting your life on hold for months and months. So for example, we went on holiday abroad after my Dad's diagnosis, DH took the kids to visit his family etc. My Dad would have been very upset if he thought we had missed out because he was ill. We still had time to say our goodbyes although none of the family were there when he died because he died in his sleep one night in hospital, so even if we had been at his bedside all day everyday none of us would have been there at the end.

[TroublesomeEx]

No, not more important!

My husband has actually visited my dad many more times than I have over the years because there have been so many lengthy hospital stays and differences in our work commitments/environments have meant that it has been 'easier' for him to go than me.

This time round he visited him before I did because I had prior arrangements with the children. We take it in turns to visit him because one of us has to stay at home with the children.

We have our reasons for making that decision this time round.

[HandHolding]

So Folk let me get that right.
You think that it your DH 'commitments' are more important than spending some time with your dying dad?
Do I get that right?

I really do hope that these unmissable opportunities' are real life changing opportunities for your DH. :(

I also really hope that none of my dcs will ever have that attitude towards me or my DP when our time will come too.
I hope that when my time comes, I will have the opportunity to spend some time with them to say goodbye just as I hope I would be able to do so with my own parents.

It's even worse than the OP's situation :(