AIBU to expect DH to cancel night away?

[DeSelby]

I have two children, DS1 (2 & 1/2), and DS2 (1 year). My DH has planned a night out in his hometown (200 miles away) on Saturday. This was agreed and he has booked tickets. DH doesn't go out often and is very much looking forward to his night away.

My dad is going into hospital and having a heart bypass this Thursday. He will be in intensive care at first but due out in 5 days. I want to visit him but I can't take the children to the hospital. My mum can look after one DS at a time, together they are too much of a handful.

AIBU in thinking he should cancel his trip so I can visit my dad? I suggested leaving later but it would cost £150.

[WandaDoff]

Ask your friends for help. I'd be happy to help out a friend in this situation.

[Halbanoo]

Count me in as another who is very surprised by some of the responses here.

This isn't just a routine trip to the doctor. It is MAJOR, major surgery. I don't think my husband would think twice about canceling his trip so I could at least be able to visit when the time is right (especially if it was for leisure vs. work-related)

If you cannot count on a partner for support during something like this...then what's the point? Caring for your children shouldn't be your mother's job at a time like this. She'll have enough on her plate.

[musicalendorphins]

Well, a heart surgery trumps a night out around here. If a friend or even an acquaintance was in your position, and asked me for a hand for one day, or even overnight, I would be more than happy to take the 3 kids. I think you should at least ask someone, and maybe they will say ok.
It doesn't hurt to ask them, they worst they can say is no. You are asking for a very good reason, and it isn't a huge hardship to watch 3 kids.

Try and spend some time with your dad before he goes in anyways.
Best wishes for your fathers surgery. I hope he has a full and speedy recovery. Try and not stress if you have to not see him for the one day. He will be recuperating and sleeping anyways. (((DeSelby)))

[HandHolding]

I am extremely surprised by the answers on here. Well no actually I am appalled.

So according to you a night out is more important that a dad who is intensive care??
When is that night out becoming less important? When the person in hospital is really bad, when you know they are dying?

Sorry, it's just a night out that can be reschedule.
Not being present for your dad when he has a serious operation such as a heart bypass isn't something you can reschedule.

As to those who say they wouldn't even think about asking... isn't what your life long partner there for? To support you when you really need to, for example by looking after the children whilst you go and see your dad. Oh no sorry that's what friends are for...

[Floggingmolly]

If your dad will be in hospital for 5 days, why is it imperative that you visit on the one day your DH won't be around? You are BU.

[ChaoticismyLife]

Count me in as another who is very surprised by some of the responses here.

^^This

OP YANBU

I can just see the reverse to this...

I've booked a night away and am really looking forward to it. The weekend I've booked for is directly after my DH's father has major heart surgery and DH would like to visit him over that weekend. The hospital is an hour away and we have no family to have the DC so he would have to miss visiting him on that night I'm away. AIBU to still go away?

Yes, YABVVVVU you should cancel and support your DH through this. His dad is having a major op, fgs, stop being so selfish.

[Numberlock]

I for one am not saying the night out is more important than the OP's father. Just that both are perfectly possible. That's all.

No doubt the husband will be supporting the family on the other 4 days when he's not away and I am sure the OP can rely him to cancel his plans if things go wrong and he's needed at short notice.

[HandHolding]

Floggingmolly but what about if she wants to go to see him both days so that he isn't on his own all day long? So that he has some moral support? So that she can also support her mum?

If my dad was in hospital like this, I would want to go and see him both days as it is obvious that during the week it would be much more difficult to do.
I would also want to go and see my dad as often as possible.

Isn't that what people do in families? Support each other and care for each other too?

[HandHolding]

Chao agree!

[megandraper]

I think my DH would cancel without being asked. I would if it was his DF.

[seeker]

I am, frankly, amazed that he hasn't cancelled without even asking you.

And as for the people suggesting that the op's mother looks after the children- well, words fail me!

But do be really proactive in rebooking the night away- make sure it's soon.

[FireOverBabylon]

I can see both sides to this. If your dad just makes a standard recovery, i think you should be prepared to work around your DH's night out. However, he needs to be aware that your dad may become iller than expected, have a reaction to the anaesthetic etc. in which case he would need to cancel.

If the operation goes smoothly, he gets to go, if it doesn't, he stays so you can go to your dad.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

If he Dad is in ICU then I doubt long visits would be possible anyway. He may still be sedated or even intubated on Saturday. If your DH isn't travelling until later on Sat couldn't you go in together on Sat morning and then again on Sunday afternoon / evening?

Fingers crossed for your Dad

[TroublesomeEx]

Hi

We are in a similar position at the moment.

My husband has a very exciting opportunity booked in for an evening in a few weeks time. He also has made several commitments on many of the evenings between now and then.

My dad was taken into hospital at the weekend after collapsing. He has terminal cancer that has spread pretty much everywhere. He's very much approaching the end.

I can't visit him in hospital when my husband is away because it's not appropriate to take the children (I don't they're permitted on his ward anyway) and there is no one else to look after them.

We don't really expect him to come out of hospital this time. He might. But he might not.

I've already told him that I fully expect him to honour his commitments. He won't have some of the opportunities again. And I don't want him to ever look back on this time with any sense of regret or resentment for the impact it had on his life.

I think if we get 'the call' he would cancel (except one which he can't really) but I wouldn't expect him to otherwise.

[WorraLiberty]

OP the chances are you won't need to/be allowed to stay more than about 20 minutes anyway so I'm sure your Mum can manage both kids for that short amount of time?

Best wishes to your Dad

[HandHolding]

So Folk let me get that right.
You think that it your DH 'commitments' are more important than spending some time with your dying dad?
Do I get that right?

I really do hope that these unmissable opportunities' are real life changing opportunities for your DH. :(

I also really hope that none of my dcs will ever have that attitude towards me or my DP when our time will come too.
I hope that when my time comes, I will have the opportunity to spend some time with them to say goodbye just as I hope I would be able to do so with my own parents.

It's even worse than the OP's situation :(

[TroublesomeEx]

No, not more important!

My husband has actually visited my dad many more times than I have over the years because there have been so many lengthy hospital stays and differences in our work commitments/environments have meant that it has been 'easier' for him to go than me.

This time round he visited him before I did because I had prior arrangements with the children. We take it in turns to visit him because one of us has to stay at home with the children.

We have our reasons for making that decision this time round.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Handholding I was in a similar position to Folk as well. When someone has terminal cancer the process of saying goodbye is a long drawn out one as there is usually many months between diagnosis and death. You have to get on with your life during this time because otherwise you would be putting your life on hold for months and months. So for example, we went on holiday abroad after my Dad's diagnosis, DH took the kids to visit his family etc. My Dad would have been very upset if he thought we had missed out because he was ill. We still had time to say our goodbyes although none of the family were there when he died because he died in his sleep one night in hospital, so even if we had been at his bedside all day everyday none of us would have been there at the end.

[LilBlondePessimist]

Folk, your dh will live to see many many 'exciting opportunities' in the future, sadly your father has limited 'opportunities' to spend with you, his daughter. I'm afraid it wouldn't matter how much I protested, if I was in your situation there's nothing I could do to stop my dh canceling his events so as I could spend every minute possible with my dying father. After all, it's quite probable there won't be many of those minutes left anyway.

Sorry about your dad.

[bowerbird]

YABU. Ditto what Margery said. Ask your friends. If they are real friends they will be happy to do it. Let your husband have his one night out.

Wishing your dad a speedy recovery.

[TroublesomeEx]

Chaz is right. (Sorry for brief hijack OP) The reasons she gave, are pretty much our reasons.

My dad was diagnosed 11 years ago. His illness was managed well for the first 7 years. The past 4 years have been a roll of hospital admission, transfer, discharge, readmission, waiting for the call, discharge, transfer...

The year before last, he spent 8 months having new tumours diagnosed, collapsing, and a series of hospital admissions/discharges. He was sometimes discharged and readmitted within the space of hours, transferred across the city... This isn't a 2 week thing and you can't cancel everything because your own life goes on.

so anyway, I was just saying DeSelby whatever is best for you and your family is what you need to do. I wouldn't ask my husband to cancel if your dad is recovering well. I would probably hope that he would offer to cancel if it seems necessary.

Hope your Dad makes a swift recovery.

[HandHolding]

Folk was talking about her dad being in hospital and not coming out. Not learning that a parent has terminal cancer and they have 3 months left.
That's a completely different situation.

My experience is that with very close family like this, I would always put family first. It doesn't stop you from living your life. But When you are talking about the end of your life, then yes that takes precedence.

Same with the OP's situation actually.

[TroublesomeEx]

Lil well the current ward has very strict and restrictive visiting times so we're co-ordinating visiting with my brother, his wife and his ILs at the moment.

[HandHolding]

Sorry x post

[WorraLiberty]

No disrespect to anyone here but when my Mum and Dad had their heart bypasses, I really wouldn't have wanted to be reading about death and terminal illness if I had started a thread.

Just thought I'd mention that for the OP's sake who is obviously stressed and worried about her Dad's operation.

However, please don't think I'm not sympathetic to those who have posted about their loved ones.