To be positive about my mother to my dc

[Molehillmountain]

I have a poor relationship with my mother. She has let me down in almost every way over too many years for me to be close to her. I am positive about her to my dv though and allow (if that's the right word) them to have a relationship with her. Just occurred to me though-am I being untruthful to them if I give the impression I think she's marvellous? I would hate her to let them down in the same way as she did me, but I guess they aren't relying on her in the same way-she's a treat giving extra rather than a parent they need.

My mother was a cow. I deal with that with relation to my kids by almost never mentioning her to them. As my shrink said, her punishment will be to be forgotten. However, yours is very much alive. I wouldn't say she was marvellous, I wouldn't say she was horrible. I would keep it very neutral. They will make a relationship of their own with her or they won't. She may have a totally different relationship with her grandchildren, she may be just the same. If she turns out to be a let down, they will soon see through her but they have to have the opportunity to decide.

Tread carefully. If she's able to be a good grandparent, fine, but if she's likely to pass on any nastiness and get at you through your DC, then that's a different matter.

I think she can be a good grandparent, if you limit that role to giving treats whilst dh and I are around. I would not want her to be imparting pearls of wisdom. They're not dangerous in their own but due dung too much time with her knocks your confidence and limits your expectations of yourself and life in an insidious way. It's as much the things she says about other people and the way that she puts herself down. And compliments always come with an actual or implied but. My mother knows better than to ask to have dc by herself as she is no longer physically capable and I always have dh around. We really only see them every couple of months. To dh, she is the lady who brings treats. I think I'm okay with that. If dh ever asks why we see my parents in law more I'll be a bit more open. They all came today and it was fine. I think she's benign now. The huge angst I feel before seeing her has to do with how she was before I set boundaries and more importantly had the confidence that came from meeting dh and becoming part of his family.

It gave me a great insight into my dad when I learned about his relationship with my granda. I adored my granda and he died when I was 13. My dad never told me about how granda had beat treated him as a child, I've only found this out more recently from other members of the family.
I am thankful for having had a lovely relationship with my granda without the knowledge of his treatment of my dad.
I'm also very grateful to now know why my dad was the way he was. Never violent but often overly controlling.
In answer to your OP I suppose you could give your mother this chance to establish positive relationships and without knowing the ages of your kids, I presume they are too young to understand.
I look back now and I think my granda was trying to amend for his treatment of my dad by being the lovely granda he was to us iykwim. Maybe your mum is too.
Do let your children know, one way or the other, later in life, about your relationship with her.