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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are some parents too lax or am I too cautious? Don't know. Need Mumsnet Jury.

105 replies

CrapBag · 30/09/2012 20:52

Been having some conversations with various people recently about safety and such around children. I am pretty careful with certain things and I am a wary person. I try not to be neurotic and I think I am well balanced in what I am careful with but some people I know do not seem to share some of my fears and I don't know whether they are slightly lax or I am over cautious.

Someone I know has blinds in her living room. My mum has cautioned her on the hanging cords as she often has her granddaughter (3) to stay but she doesn't listen and just says "its ok, x listens to me and won't play with them". X is not known for her listening and doing as she is told skills.

My sister baths her 2 DS's together, oldest is 4, youngest is 16 months. The 16 month old is in a bath seat (and has recently started walking so probably climbing to follow). She leaves the room and does things in the upstairs rooms, but she also admitted that she will nip downstairs as she can run up quickly again. I have similar age children who DP mainly baths but I won't let them be left in the bath alone together. IMO the youngest is too young to be left.

A couple of relatives regularly give lifts to others children, under the age of 5 with no booster seat. Their reasoning is they aren't going far so it is ok.

I get laughed at for still cutting up grapes for my 5 year old. Yes I know this may be a bit OTT but as they are such a choking hazard, I just don't take that chance.

I have all my medications etc right up put of reach. My cousin recently told me that she leaves her pills (the pill) on her nightstand as her children (5) know they are not allowed to touch them. I know one of my children is still young but even if I didn't have a 23 month old, I still wouldn't leave pills around within reach of my 5 year old.

I also don't leave any cords hanging around, belts, ties, dressing gown that sort of thing as I think children can get into trouble by playing with them but I am pretty sure that all of my friends did when I said about that one.

So Mumsnet Jury, am I over cautious or are some people a bit too lax or is a bit of both?

Just read back, all of the above are things that I don't do that I thought were a matter of course but others seem to think that I am too careful and their children won't do things because they know not to, like mine doesn't .

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/09/2012 21:22

It really depends on what type of child you have. Mine was never ever interested in the dangerous stuff, but as we have live cuddly toys running around the house she spent most of her time chasing after them trying to touch them. She is 8 years old and I still supervised most of bath time and always getting in and out.

Bigwheel · 30/09/2012 21:26

The only thing I do from that list is the boaster seats. I've never worried about blind cords, dressing gowns, grapes, have my pill on my bedside cabinet, often put away washing upstairs whilst the kids are in the bath (also upstairs). My dc are 5 and 2. They know certain things are out of bounds and also look out for one another a lot. Anyway I know if something is wrong as soon as one is quiet :-) Ynbu though, but then I don't think I am either.

Icelollycraving · 30/09/2012 21:27

How do cut the grapes when you're in the supermarket though

cheesesarnie · 30/09/2012 21:29

yanbu apart from the grapes... although i would supervise whilst eating grapes, i wouldn't chop them up.

Original poster

CrapBag · 30/09/2012 21:29

I don't Ice. They have them later.

DP mainly does the shopping after they are in bed or on the way home from work so they are rarely there when we do buy grapes.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 30/09/2012 21:30

I really don't think that you need to cut grapes for a 5yr old - apart from that I would carry on as you are.

Pagwatch · 30/09/2012 21:30

Sorry - I think you missed my point or I phrased it badly, probably the later.

I just mean the act that you are do a kind of tally around who does what, what do others do, is it the same as you, is it more cautious than you, what do others do about this situation and that situation...

Safety is just about using sensible precautions. You can't eradicate all risk. It is always just personal judgement.i am just suggesting that the fact that you are comparing is perhaps a sign that you are over thinking.

Itsn't about guarantees. Just do what you think is sensible.
It will be different for everyone.

CollieEye · 30/09/2012 21:30

I got rid of the blind we had in the kitchen after a child in our area died because the cord got tangled around her neck. She was the daughter of a friend of a friend.

I don't let my DCs take their helium balloons into their bedrooms because of the string.

Phone chargers that are permanently plugged in, but not attached to a phone make me uncomfortable. I caught DD about to put it in her mouth when she was about a year old. Electricity in the mouth. It doesn't bear thinking about.

Flisspaps · 30/09/2012 21:34

I chop grapes in half, and I try to keep things like belts, ties etc out of reach.

I'm a CM though, and have had to risk assess up to my eyeballs and I think it's made me see bloody danger in places that I don't need to. I am convinced now that the day I forget to move my dressing gown belt out of DD's way is the day she's going to strangle herself with it. It's a PITA.

It was suggested by an Ofsted inspector that I remove my curtain tiebacks during working hours (so they'd only be on the hooks when it was dark!) and that I find some foam wedges to put over my internal doors to stop them closing on the children's hands. I did at that and didn't take the advice.

larks35 · 30/09/2012 21:34

I think I would probably be classed as lax on the whole.
Never cut up grapes (always watched while DS ate them when he was younger, now at 3.8 I feel confident he knows how to eat them as well as I do)
I have sometimes taken lifts with DS from friends without car seat
Medications we keep out of reach but DS handed me a vitamin pill the other day that my DP must have dropped
We have blinds and was very wary when DS was small as DP saw a docu about a woman who lost her baby that way. Am now less vigilant about it, but DS has no interest in playing with blinds anyway.
Bath - our bathroom is downstairs so I leave DS in it and carry on with the multitude of jobs but usually keep up a conversation or song. DD is only 6mo so I bath her seperately.
Belts etc. well it has never crossed my mind to even worry about these.

I dunno, I don't think I'm overly lax as generally my children are in my eyesight at all times, so rather than move every danger out of their way, we've chosen to teach DS about certain things and why they need to be used carefully or not be played with. Its worked with him, he is really sensible. Might have to re-think this with DD, who knows.

Goldmandra · 30/09/2012 21:37

It's all about risk assessment.

We guess the likelihood of something going wrong and also the seriousness of what that thing might be. We then decided whether it is a risk worth taking.

If we have a reasonably close contact who has lost a child we will be extra careful to ensure that our child isn't threatened by that danger yet we ignore others.

There's not much logic to it. We can't eradicate all dangers.

Having said that I have been on a lot of paediatric first aid courses and all the dangers you mention have been talked about on the courses. The Pill in particular is brought up every time because it is so dangerous yet many people think it's just a dose of a naturally occurring hormone and can't really do any harm.

Just for the record I cut up my DD's grapes for her school lunch when she was in Year 4 because I knew she would often eat them in a room without an adult present and wasn't prepared to take a small risk. Maybe I'm neurotic.

The measures you suggest to keep children safer are easy to take and reduce very real, albeit small, risks. Fewer children would die in accidents if everyone did what you do but lots would still die in accidents caused by things nobody had thought of.

EugenesAxe · 30/09/2012 21:40

Children always seem to be strangling themselves; I am fairly neurotic about that. They advise now that Bookclub bags 'are for parents' (ever since that poor girl strangled herself with a bag strap hanging from her bunkbed), but I've always tied a knot in the handles anyway. I would walk into the next bedroom to get something if DCs were in the bath; say 10 secs absence, but I don't think I'd be comfortable nipping downstairs. I'd like to be able to hear any splash or kerfuffle (Lou and Andy anyone?!).

I am a bit lax about pills... there is a designated place but they have a habit of turning up in old sponge bags or suitcases that are sometimes in accessible places. I need to get on that now as DD is LOADS more nosey than DS ever was.

LaQueen - too right! Stupid food snobs.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 30/09/2012 21:42

I am very risk averse. I had stopped cutting grapes for my 4 and 2 years olds until I met a fellow mumsnetter whose sister works in a morgue. She has apparently done postmortems on 4 children who have died as a result of choking on grapes. Since then, I've started chopping them again - much to DS1's annoyance! I do many of the things you have mentioned and yet the string of helium balloons never occurred to me as a risk!

megandraper · 30/09/2012 21:44

Yanbu op especially about grapes and blind cords. I am exactly the same and don't care if others think it is ott - I reads up on both and know the risk is that a minor incident (coughing or laughing while eating grape. Slipping while reaching up yo open/close blinds) can be fatal because of the particular danger of those situations.

recall · 30/09/2012 21:44

YANBU , i am the same as you, i can not prevent tragic accidents, but i can reduce the risks, i still cut grapes for my 5 year old. Actually, we had her 9 year old round recently, and i decided not to cut up the grapes, I didn't want to embarrass my DD. As she bit into one, she said "my little sister choked on a grape!" i whipped them away and cut them up.

I am also wary of plants, and especially berries, the children see us happily eating blackberries on country walks, how can they differentiate between harmless and poisonous ones ?

My family and friends all think I am neurotic - I don't care.

megandraper · 30/09/2012 21:44

Excuse typos - no glasses plus iphone

recall · 30/09/2012 21:45

and mushrooms ....

HumphreyCobbler · 30/09/2012 21:45

I have a massive thing about grapes, but then my friend who works in A&E thinks this is reasonable thing to have concerns about as it is so hard to get them out when they get stuck. Sadly children die from this.

recall · 30/09/2012 21:46

and lollipops...

SuiGeneris · 30/09/2012 21:47

Yanbu

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 30/09/2012 21:47

YANBU.
I am usually pretty Meh about parenting stuff.
But blind cords are dangerous. Very, very dangerous.
Why put a kid in a car without the right restraint?

As for grapes - I cut them up for all of mine. I have seen some absolutely catastrophic incidents involving choking, including grapes, I just cant take the risk.

I do not think anyone is being negligent for not cutting up grapes for older children but its unfair to call people OTT for doing it.

pookey · 30/09/2012 21:48

I wouldn't leave the room with a 16 month old in the bath, putting a lot of responsibility on the 4 yro.

DD isn't quite 2 but I have given up on chopping grapes because she goes to the fridge and helps herself. Survival your post is making me rethink that one.

recall · 30/09/2012 21:49

went to a pampered chef party recently and bought this brilliant knife, it can cut up fruit and veg ( have to saw a bit) but is safe for skin, so the kids can learn how to cut safely - love stuff like that.

Original poster

CrapBag · 30/09/2012 21:50

LaQueen, totally agree, can't stand smug people who think the be all and end all is cooking from scratch.

Pagwatch I do tend to overthink everything, so yes you have a point.

DS is very sensible and I should give him a bit more credit really (still going to cut his grapes though), but I think because DD is still small then we still tend to be careful, although I am not as careful with small toys as I was with PFB DS. It wouldn't be fair for DS to have to put so many toys away so I just supervise DD more closely if she's playing with something small. Playmobil is the exception though, that has to go out of the way because I would freak if little bits went missing.

OP posts:

smiles007 · 30/09/2012 21:53

It is always better to be safe than sorry. You know your own children best and what could happen. I am probably over cautious myself but around different things. I do agree with the grapes being cut if possible as i also had a bad experience with one of my own children choking on one, luckily all was well, but it was a scary moment. As i'm separated from my 4 year olds daughter dad, i have noticed he gives her grapes in her lunch bag so she must be eating them like that when at school. Most places i have been with my children like play groups have always also chopped up the grapes when on offer.

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