to resent my DH thinking he can forbid me from smoking...

[time4tea]

DH is asthmatic, I do my best to ensure a safe and healthy environment for him. He is fanatically anti-smoking, due to this, plus the angst of being a shy teenager trying to fit in in pubs with other lads, who all smoked like chimneys, and set off his asthma, but he felt he had to stick up with it to fit in... so I think this really is a "hot" emotional issue for him.

When we first met (I was 27 and a criminal defence solicitor) I did smoke, mainly for the sake of socialising with clients and colleagues - it was a very stressful environment, everyone was smoking in those days (late 1990s, pre-cigarette ban). He asked me to give up when we started going out, so I did, apart from the very very occasional one when I was at a party or something without him.

Last year he went away for a few days, leaving me on my own with our DSs for a few days. It was a very stressful time - DS2 was in the middle of some very intense potty-training problems related to poo. So one day, after a very big poo-related meltdown from DS2, I thought, fck it, I need a fag or else I will go off pop. I got the smallest packet of rolling tobacco, and rizlas, and after the children were safely in bed I had a very relaxing smoke in the garden. and felt much the better for it, one was enough.

I emphasise that I would never give my children a bad example, and would never smoke in front of them.

Then a few weeks later we are sitting with the children in the park, and my handbag was open, and DH saw rolling tobacco. I said that yes, I had had a cigarette during a stressful moment when he was away, but once the children were in bed. He went totally bloody ballistic said things like "I feel like I don't know you anymore... I'm going to have to think about "us" etc" basically it seemed like such a big deal to him I said, OK, fine, I won't smoke any more. But he still was really fckg angry about it for days

I'm currently going through another stressful period, for a variety of reasons. I've tried many other methods of relaxation/letting off steam but I still crave just one cigarette. All that stops me is DH's reaction.

While I respect his point of view - smoking is a terrible habit which destroys health and lives - I am a grown woman and I think I am entitled to make an unhealthy choice every now and again. I would like to have this conversation with him, rather than smoke behind his back - which, given the previous episode, I think he would see as an affair-level of betrayal.

But before I do this, I thought I would ask other MNers whether I was being unreasonable, or whether DH is being unreasonable here...

thanks for you thoughts, and sorry for the length of the post...

He is not being unreasonable to be very unhappy about it. Combined with your secrecy, he is probably worried that you are going to get addicted again and he is going to end up being married to a smoker.

Reading your OP, he didn't come out and say "I forbid you to do this", did he? He basically said that it's a deal breaker for him. And he is entitled to make that call.

Well I don't know about forbid but I couldn't live with a smoker so it could well mean the end of the relationship.

There are things DH cannot do if he wishes to be married to me and vice versa.

He is of course an adult and can do what he wants, as can I and if what he wants is something I really don't want then that could mean the end of our relationship.

So neither of you are being unreasonable, but he is quite within his rights to consider whether he can live with you if you smoke, especially given his asthma.

I guess it comes down to how much you really want to smoke.

My DH would agree with yours entirely. He felt that not telling him when I had a cigarette was lying.

The other thing which jumps out at me is that a few weeks after that 'sneaky' fag, the op is sitting in the park with dh and kids with her bag open and cigarettes visible. Children spot all sorts of things - and in fact what toddler doesn't enjoy rifling through mums bag?

I would bet this is the dh's real worry. Very soon the op will need to actively be really secretive about it, hiding all evidence and denying to her children that she smokes if they ask (which is the kind of thing kids ask at a young age- I think mine were 4 or 5 when they became aware of people smoking) This is why I just don't get the attempts to compare it with the occasional glass of wine or takeaway. We never felt obliged to hide at the end of the garden after the kids were in bed before eating a takeout or opening a bottle of wine. Our children could see that these were just normal things which aren't at all harmful as an infrequent thing. The fact that the op feels she has to try to hide the smoking from the kids shows there is a difference. And while most parents probably won't mind their children ordering the odd takeout pizza as a teenager, I have yet to meet any parent who genuinely wouldn't mind their child smoking.

I think it would be helpful if the ops dh could explain clearly to her what exactly it is which he disagrees with, as it sounds as though he just got angry rather than explaining rationally why her smoking is a bad idea. He could also support her to find a non harmful alternative as a stress reliever as she says the smoking is a reaction to the normal ups and downs of life with a young family. And that in itself is a worry, Because there will no doubt be future pressures too- the kids, work, childcare, money, etc and relying on a smoking (or drinking or binge eating or any comparable 'comfort habit') could end up being quite harmful, and again, it gives that message to the kids that when life feels tough, smoking helps.

YABU.
While I wouldn't forbid anyone it would be a deal breaker for me and I wouldn't live with a smoker. It makes everything smell and I wouldn't want to kiss him. I would also be annoyed that an intelligent adult wants to risk an early death when they have children.
He seems quite reasonable to me and I am sure that he would help you find a non destructive way to deal with stress.
The asthma makes him entirely reasonable.

I think he has lost respect for you and that's why he went ballistic.

He now believes you have more concern about your 'enjoyment' than his health and it's obviously a very raw subject for him.

I know you don't want people to talk about the pros and cons of smoking but you have to realise there are quite a few people who consider it a deal-breaker in relationships. I have been married 8 years and have 3 children but could not and would not live with an even occasional smoker.

Does that mean I forbid my husband? I guess it does if he wants to stay married to me. I feel that strongly about it.

My feeling exactly- I could not and would not live with even an occasional smoker.

I don't think it's actually possible to totally compartmentalise the health issues about smoking from her husbands response, as the op seems to suggest we should do.

Forbid is too strong a word, but there are many many issues in parenting where what one parent does has an effect on the children and sometimes the other parent. There are many things which are not illegal and which an adult has the right to do which aren't good for children to be around... Whether that's one parent using bad language, eating excessively in front of the kids, or being a smoker. It's not a case of the op not being allowed to smoke- Shes an adult, and it's not illegal. But her dh has got sound reasons as to why he doesn't want her to smoke. I think it's unrealistic of the op to think people can address the issue of his attiitude without reference to health

It is a bit like saying - 'I know you are allergic to cats but I am getting one anyway!'

I'd be devastated if DH took up smoking again. Since he quit it's made such an amazing difference to my quality of life. The smell was awful - and lingering. And there was ash everywhere, it seemed to get into everything. I constantly had to wait while he had a cigarette outside shops, before we went into people's houses - often standing in the cold. When he hadn't had one for a while, he would get very short tempered. It cost over £50 a week. And his health was suffering and, indirectly, so was mine. So I think your DH's response was a reasonable response. It's never just one.

Like others, I would leave DH if he took up smoking. Even just 'occassionally'. No doubt about it. It's a vile habit, and a bit of hand washing and teeth brushing does not stop smokers from stinking.

OP: yes you are an adult, and can do what you like. But it doesn't mean your DH has to put up with it.

Next time there's a 'leave the bastard' thread and people start squawking about how cruel and unforgiving people are being, I'm going to link them to this thread.

Smoking would be a deal breaker for me. My dh knows that, it was part of the package.

You knew that OP when you got together. But legally you are entitled to, even though he hates it, it makes him sick, etc etc

And I love the idea that a bit of mouthwash and no-one will know - it makes you stink. Sort of like having a partner that won't wash.

It makes you smell bad. It wrinkles you. Might kill you. Might kill him if he's around you when you smoke (I say that as an asthmatic).

He is being U to demand but I see where he's coming from TBH.

Hmm. One of the main reasons ex and I split up was because I found out he had been smoking again having told me he had given up shortly after we met.

I had my suspicions for ages .. I think perhaps I was in denial as I could definitely smell it. But it was only when I picked up his bag and they fell out that I knew for certain. I was so angry not only about the smoking but also the deceit.

We lasted about 3 months after that. Yes we were arguing about other things but that was the cherry on the cake for me. He didnt want to quit and I couldn't stand it.

Of course his reaction is OTT. Of course he doesn't have the right to forbid you from smoking.

But how about stepping back from rights talk and thinking about is really going on here? Assuming he isn't generally controlling or abusive, this issue is clearly a red mister for him - he's not going to be logical about it, he's probably not even aware of how OTT he is being. Shouting at him about your rights probably won't help - somebody needs to calm down the situation and get some reasonable conversation going. Are you too angry with him to do that, do you think?

Am I wrong to suspect that there's a bit more than a one-off cig going on here? I'm struck by how you talk about your stress, and about needing to smoke to cope with it. Are you actually finding life very tough at the moment, and is part of you secretly really tempted to restart your smoking habit? Are you angry with him because he's called you on this and you don't want to admit that there's something going on here that you are not actually fully in control of? (the smoking, or the stress, or both together?)

YANBU. No one can or should tell a partner what to do/not do about anything. You cannot control other people's actions, only your own response to it. So your DH is entitled to hate smoking consider it a deal breaker, but he's not entitled to scold you about it like a naughty child or be aggressive with you about it.

However, are you sure his reaction is not an unwarranted fear that you will perhaps go back to smoking regularly? Because living with a regular smoker when you are anti-smoking and suffer from asthma is a very different proposition to having a spouse who occasionally has the odd cigarette in times of stress. Maybe a good talk is all that's needed to clear this up.