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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent my DH thinking he can forbid me from smoking...

92 replies

time4tea · 30/09/2012 17:49

DH is asthmatic, I do my best to ensure a safe and healthy environment for him. He is fanatically anti-smoking, due to this, plus the angst of being a shy teenager trying to fit in in pubs with other lads, who all smoked like chimneys, and set off his asthma, but he felt he had to stick up with it to fit in... so I think this really is a "hot" emotional issue for him.

When we first met (I was 27 and a criminal defence solicitor) I did smoke, mainly for the sake of socialising with clients and colleagues - it was a very stressful environment, everyone was smoking in those days (late 1990s, pre-cigarette ban). He asked me to give up when we started going out, so I did, apart from the very very occasional one when I was at a party or something without him.

Last year he went away for a few days, leaving me on my own with our DSs for a few days. It was a very stressful time - DS2 was in the middle of some very intense potty-training problems related to poo. So one day, after a very big poo-related meltdown from DS2, I thought, fck it, I need a fag or else I will go off pop. I got the smallest packet of rolling tobacco, and rizlas, and after the children were safely in bed I had a very relaxing smoke in the garden. and felt much the better for it, one was enough.

I emphasise that I would never give my children a bad example, and would never smoke in front of them.

Then a few weeks later we are sitting with the children in the park, and my handbag was open, and DH saw rolling tobacco. I said that yes, I had had a cigarette during a stressful moment when he was away, but once the children were in bed. He went totally bloody ballistic said things like "I feel like I don't know you anymore... I'm going to have to think about "us" etc" basically it seemed like such a big deal to him I said, OK, fine, I won't smoke any more. But he still was really fckg angry about it for days

I'm currently going through another stressful period, for a variety of reasons. I've tried many other methods of relaxation/letting off steam but I still crave just one cigarette. All that stops me is DH's reaction.

While I respect his point of view - smoking is a terrible habit which destroys health and lives - I am a grown woman and I think I am entitled to make an unhealthy choice every now and again. I would like to have this conversation with him, rather than smoke behind his back - which, given the previous episode, I think he would see as an affair-level of betrayal.

But before I do this, I thought I would ask other MNers whether I was being unreasonable, or whether DH is being unreasonable here...

thanks for you thoughts, and sorry for the length of the post...

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 30/09/2012 18:18

What aldiwhore said.

Having an occasional cigarette is not the same as regular smoking and the risk to the op and her kids is negligible as long as this isn't the slippery slope. Doesn't sound like that though.

If be having a chat to your dh and tell him what Aldiwhore said.

Fwiw I can't stand smoking. Dh has the occasional one like you do and I hate him doing it but he is an adult who can do as he likes. If he started smoking regularly that would be a different matter but he won't. So no harm done.

janey68 · 30/09/2012 18:22

The flaw in your post though aldi is comparing a fag to the occasional glass of wine or piece of cake. Wine and cake are not harmful in moderation (indeed isn't there some evidence that a small amount of red wine is actually beneficial?) Whereas cigarettes are actually harmful.
I totally agree that the occasional cigarette is unlikely to do serious harm (though god they small rank) but I do find this attempt to equate them with food and drink rather odd

I think the underlying concern is probably not the smoking itself (because the op won't smoke near dh and trigger his asthma) its his concern that you are relying on something harmful as a crutch to deal with the normal ups and downs of life . And I do know toddlers can be quite stressful!

Smoking is no different from being obese or drinking too much - it's a health risk so surely it makes sense that you want your partner and co parent to take care of themself?

McHappyPants2012 · 30/09/2012 18:22

I also have up for years, and still went back to smoking.

I gave up when ttc my pfb, then with pregnancy and bf and doing it all again it was 6 years, went through a stressful few months a was back smoking.

This time I know it is for life, when I am stressed or feeling low excercise helps alot

MsKayGee · 30/09/2012 18:31

YANBU.

I like an occasional cigarette, especially with a glass of wine. Always in the garden after DS has gone to bed, and I go wash my hands and brush my teeth afterwards.

DH looks at me like a disapproving parent and quite honestly it makes me feel like telling him to fuck off and smoking the whole packet.

He has a fondness for expensive red wine and once it's opened he will finish the while bottle. Very expensive, can't be good for him, I wouldn't dream of telling him he can't.

Enjoy your occasional smoke! Grin

LtEveDallas · 30/09/2012 18:42

E cig? Would that give you the hit you need? Would your DH be a dick about that?

expatinscotland · 30/09/2012 18:47

YANBU. Then again, if I were smoking and met a guy and he said, 'Give up for me,' I'd have moved on long before we got to marriage and kids.

MrFlibble · 30/09/2012 18:55

Yu were out in the garden, not infront of kids etc, he is overreacting.

I quit back in April. I was smmoking just under ten a day and by God I needed those just under ten a day!

I have had the odd few when on holiday and on a night out but havent felt the need to start full time again.

Enjoy the odd ciggie I say.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 30/09/2012 18:57

I couldn't be with anyone who smoked.
I loathe it.
People who smoke stink.

zlist · 30/09/2012 19:00

He possibly thought you weren't being entirely trustful about it just being one.
My DH smoked when I met him. I told him that it was the one thing I just couldn't live with and he had to either quit within the next couple of months or end our relationship now.
I am very anti-smoking (mum died when I was 4 as a result of smoking, and not even heavily - step mother died as a result of smoking too several years later) and, as I said, I took a hard line with it. DH did 'cheat' once though (well maybe more than once but I found him out once) - I didn't go ballistic but I did expect him to regret it and destroy the rest.

adeucalione · 30/09/2012 19:14

Goldship - I agree that smoking can't be compared with wine or chocolate in terms of the harm it can do you, but was suggesting that the OP find something that her DH enjoys as a way of making him understand how much she wants/needs/enjoys a cigarette, so that he realises how important it is to her, and how big a deal it is for her to say that she will never have one again.

I do think that his reaction was extreme in the circumstances but suspect that he knows that it won't stop at the 'odd one'.

hiviolet · 30/09/2012 19:19

I guess your DH is thinking, not unreasonably, that since you've had a couple the floodgates are now open and it's going to be a more regular thing. Of course he's pissed off.

Vinomum · 30/09/2012 19:39

You made a promise to your DH to stop smoking, then you broke that promise. Smoking is an addictive (and revolting) habit and one which could kill him.

No wonder he's pissed off with you.

bialystockandbloom · 30/09/2012 19:47

YANBU.

It's not up to him to dictate whether or not you smoke. He ain't the boss of you. You're not contributing to his asthma unless you smoke in front of him, or in the house, neither of which you're doing.

And it's not up to anyone on this thread to tell you off for it either - none of their business, and you weren't asking if you were BU to be smoking, you were asking if you were BU for resenting your DH.

IMO you don't have to justify why you want to smoke. It's not a moral issue.

janey68 · 30/09/2012 19:55

Keep it in proportion: he doesn't hate you, its the smoking he's revolted by.
It's also worth remembering that kids who have a parent (yes even just one parent) who smokes are statistically more likely to become smokers themselves . As for the 'it's only in the garden and after bed time '- hahahahahaha - kids aren't stupid, honestly by the time theyre a few years old they will cotton on that you need smoking to cope with stress. Do you want to give them that message? What will you do when they ask you outright in a few years if you smoke? (children ask these things!) Are you happy to try to lie? (I do actually know a couple of people who do try to hide it from their kids) Because frankly even if you are, they are your husbands children too, and he clearly wants to raise them to be as unlikely as possible to become smokers. There aren't any guarantees - some children will become smokers even with non- smoking parents, but personally I wouldn't want to feel id contributed in any way

janey68 · 30/09/2012 19:58

Ps while I agree broadly that smoking isn't a moral issue (it's a common sense and health issue) I do think the reason I outlined above does make this a bit of a grey area. Would it be fair or right for one parent to swear

WinklyFriedChicken · 30/09/2012 19:59

How would you feel if you found one of your DC was smoking OP?

janey68 · 30/09/2012 19:59

Oops

Swear in front of the kids or do something else which makes it more likely for them to follow suit?

mynewpassion · 30/09/2012 20:07

I bristle at anyone forbidding to do something.

With that said, I think your DH has made it a point that his values includes his wife not smoking from the get go. You knew this and agreed to stop smoking.
Also, I think he knows that you will continue to have sneaky smokes because its your crutch to deal with stress.

McHappyPants2012 · 30/09/2012 20:11

I think drinking is far worse than smoking, I have never seen an article about someone smoking too much then going out being violent.

Drinking can kill, because it alters the way a person behaves.

janey68 · 30/09/2012 20:21

Drinking excessively or stupidly is harmful. . Nothing harmful about an oocasional glass of wine/ beer

winnybella · 30/09/2012 20:22

I can't believe some of the responses here.

OP's DH might not like smoking but OP is an adult indulging in a perfectly legal pastime. .
She had one cigarette, she's not shooting up heroine or drinking bottles of vodka while taking care of the kids. Smoking one cig every few months in a garden will not make his asthma worse Hmm
I'm also uncomfortable with his uncompromising 'I need to think about us etc' response. Way OTT and controlling as well. Tbh I would tell him to fuck off if it was me.

winnybella · 30/09/2012 20:27

And I wonder what the responses would be if instead of ciggies it was fatty processed foods. Everyone would say that her DH is a controlling twat.

Yet crappy foods contribute to as many illnesses as smoking does.

StuntGirl · 30/09/2012 20:29

I only got halfway through your litany of excuses before I gave up.

You clearly don't want to quit no matter what your husband or anyone says, so why are you even asking?

bialystockandbloom · 30/09/2012 20:30

Absolutely agree winniebella

bialystockandbloom · 30/09/2012 20:31

Stuntgirl she's asking if her DH is BU by forbidding her, not if she's BU by smoking. She wasn't asking for anyone's permission to smoke.