to resent my DH thinking he can forbid me from smoking...

[time4tea]

DH is asthmatic, I do my best to ensure a safe and healthy environment for him. He is fanatically anti-smoking, due to this, plus the angst of being a shy teenager trying to fit in in pubs with other lads, who all smoked like chimneys, and set off his asthma, but he felt he had to stick up with it to fit in... so I think this really is a "hot" emotional issue for him.

When we first met (I was 27 and a criminal defence solicitor) I did smoke, mainly for the sake of socialising with clients and colleagues - it was a very stressful environment, everyone was smoking in those days (late 1990s, pre-cigarette ban). He asked me to give up when we started going out, so I did, apart from the very very occasional one when I was at a party or something without him.

Last year he went away for a few days, leaving me on my own with our DSs for a few days. It was a very stressful time - DS2 was in the middle of some very intense potty-training problems related to poo. So one day, after a very big poo-related meltdown from DS2, I thought, fck it, I need a fag or else I will go off pop. I got the smallest packet of rolling tobacco, and rizlas, and after the children were safely in bed I had a very relaxing smoke in the garden. and felt much the better for it, one was enough.

I emphasise that I would never give my children a bad example, and would never smoke in front of them.

Then a few weeks later we are sitting with the children in the park, and my handbag was open, and DH saw rolling tobacco. I said that yes, I had had a cigarette during a stressful moment when he was away, but once the children were in bed. He went totally bloody ballistic said things like "I feel like I don't know you anymore... I'm going to have to think about "us" etc" basically it seemed like such a big deal to him I said, OK, fine, I won't smoke any more. But he still was really fckg angry about it for days

I'm currently going through another stressful period, for a variety of reasons. I've tried many other methods of relaxation/letting off steam but I still crave just one cigarette. All that stops me is DH's reaction.

While I respect his point of view - smoking is a terrible habit which destroys health and lives - I am a grown woman and I think I am entitled to make an unhealthy choice every now and again. I would like to have this conversation with him, rather than smoke behind his back - which, given the previous episode, I think he would see as an affair-level of betrayal.

But before I do this, I thought I would ask other MNers whether I was being unreasonable, or whether DH is being unreasonable here...

thanks for you thoughts, and sorry for the length of the post...

What do you find hard to believe winnybella?

No one has said smoking is illegal or immoral. Just that it's harmful and a really stupid thing to do. The clincher for me is the fact that statistically children of a smoker are more likely to take it up themselves. Whether smokers choose to ignore that statistic is irrelevant- that's how it is. The op's husband probably wants to reduce the risk of his children smoking. Therefore it does concern him.

I said from the outset that the husband can't forbid it. But you have to ask why any reasonably intelligent parent would choose to smoke !

Dh gave up smoking when we started going out. I would have serious problems being in a relationship with a smoker because however much they wash their hands etc they do smell and I really couldn't bear to live close to that smell. So afraid I would have to reevaluate.

Fatty processed foods don't make your hair smell for hours afterwards, and they don't bring on the other person's asthma.

Many posters have picked up on the promise issue.

What if instead of fags it was children, my DP promised we would have 3087755765 children but after 1 he went against my wishes.

He can't forbid you but you can't force him to share his home with a smoker either. We had a similar issue, except that 'the odd one' 'for stress' escalated rapidly, predictably into 'a couple a day'. I could not have been more clear before we started dating that I wouldn't go out with a smoker and I felt betrayed that the goalposts had been moved. He didn't smoke in the house but the smell was still here, our laundry basket reeked, our car got that stale smoke smell. He totally denied the smell "How can it smell, its just the odd one after work?" but it was stomach turning to me. It affected our sex life as I couldn't bare his dirty hands on me. Our ds was hospitalised with asthma for the first time in 7 years within a couple of weeks of the smoking starting. For me, living with a smoker makes my quality of life unacceptable and no amount of 'but its only the odd one' or 'my grandad smokes and he isn't dead' yes, but his non smoking wife died of cancer or 'you can't tell me what to do' is going to change that for me. I don't want to be a controlling witch but given the choice between saying its me or the fags and living with a smoker then I take the its me or the fags route. I don't think its significantly less controlling to insist that someone lives with the stink and health implications of smoking than to insist that someone doesn't smoke. You say its only the odd one when he isn't around but its likely that he is shitting himself about how its going to escalate.

In the interest of balance I will add that drinking to personality changing excess and overeating to the point of being cut out of the house by the fire brigade are also things that I would struggle with and I could handle 'the odd one' but with smoking, it rarely is 'the odd one'.

cory- will having an occasional smoke away from her DH will bring on his asthma? I actually don't know that, so may revise my opinion if that's so.

But lots of people here said that he's concerned about her dying from smoking related disease or setting bad example for their children- well, bad diet could kill and would definitely set bad example for kids.

Well, I wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who made me sign a virtual contract like this. Or if they tried to impose something like this on me I'd blow smoke (only kidding) laugh in their face.

I don't think that he has a right to forbid you from doing anything and if my dh took that line with me, I would tell him to fuck right off. You said you would give up smoking, which you did. And now you have decided to have the occasional one - it's not a crime. You haven't broken any laws or even any wedding vows.

If my dh started rethinking 'us' over something as trivial as the occasional smoke, then I would consider him to be a complete pillock.

As for comparing this to an affair level betrayal, I actually laughed out loud at that one!

I've been in your DH position in 2 different relationships (although I never asked them to give up, that was their call).

For me it was less the smoking and more the deceit, I thought they had given up, I was proud and grateful for it, then I found out they had resumed and not told me, while I happily continued to presume they were non-smokers. That is dishonest, and it feels crappy. You compare it to an affair, and actually, finding your partner has lied about something important to you fells much the same.

My ex used to smoke in the garden an hour or so before bed, something came up from his lungs and triggered my asthma attacks when we shared a bed, you wouldn't think it would be an issue, but it is. My asthma isn't usually very bad either, I don't take medication unless I have a cold or something.

I am agreeing with you about the overeating issue winnybella

I think smoking is actually a parallel with things like eating crap and drinking excessively. Which is why I find it odd that some people refer to other harmful things as a sort of 'defence' of smoking. If you agree that being obese and eating shit are not desirable, why would you think smoking is any better ?

As the header said, I was asking about whether it is reasonable for one spouse to forbid the other from doing something. Not the pros and cons of smoking per se.

Yet despite my care at drafting the headline and the main post, some of the responses are really rather aggressive in tone and based on assumptions, rather than what I said in my OP - which is not helpful. I'm not fooling myself, I am not slipping back to being a regular smoker, nor did I include "I will never smoke again - ever" in my marriage vows. When I got together with DH, he said he didn't like smoking, so I stopped because I was happy to prioritise his health and well-being, not because he said it was a deal-breaker. Therefore it didn't seem like such a big deal to have one small roll-up in a week of poo-smeared toddler horror.

Hence it was a shock, to say the least, when he reacted so excessively. In fact, as MsKayGee says, the temptation is to tell him to fuck off and smoke the lot: but I resisted the temptation and posted about it on MN to see if there were helpful comments.

As I said, I'm surprised at the aggressive tone to some of the responses, but grateful for the thoughtful ones: certainly children will realise what is going on quickly, and the comparator with other bad habits (whether eating unhealthy food, drinking - or indeed his unhealthy habits) is very enlightening.

It's not about permission bloom it's about respect. I would go ballistic if my partner started smoking too, especially if it was a condition of us going out in the first place, if we were now committed, if we had kids to think of too and if his 'unhealthy but legal' past time could make me seriously ill or kill me. Yeah, I'd probably forbid it too.

I don't think smoking is any better (although I'm fairly certain that having occasional cigarette is much healthier than eating crappy food day in, day out).

But would any of you threaten to leave your DH because he ate unhealthy food?

I get the point that for nonsmokers the smell is awful etc, but the point of this OP was that she had a couple of ciggies in the last few months and her DH is treating it as a major betrayal. That's ridiculous.

I love my DH for who he is, I would want to change him at all.

If he started smoking as long as he did it outside and changed his top and brushed his teeth before kissing me I would have no problem.

I think what jumps out at me from the ops post is he is incredibly angry and hurt yes. But he knows that she knows it's a big deal for him.

So he must have known she would have been pretty stressed to do it.

She has already given up an addiction for him. Smoking is a habit, it is hard to give up and for many people there are always triggers that can set off the craving.

I think personally the ops dh is being very unreasonable. She said sorry.

The comment that he feels like he doesn't "know her any more". Perhap she doesn't or e would have realised she was having a shitty time and turned to something that, however ill advised, she though would help her through it.

Perhaps he doesn't sorry.

I'd say he over-reacted but maybe he thought since you didn't openly say it that you were hiding it and jumped to the conclusion that since you hid it perhaps you had more than one or are thinking of smoking again to keep the tobacco.

Fair play to the OP for thinking about the issue rationally (in particular acknowledging that yes, the children will cotton on before long) and coming back to the thread

To answer winnybellas question: no, I wouldn't leave my dh if he ate a bit of junk food. However, if he decided to do something which is clearly harmful, be that smoking/ drinking irresponsibily/eating McDonalds 5 nights a week/never exercising then yes, I would consider it my business and I would question why he was making that choice. The example he was setting to the kids would also worry me... children learn more by what you do rather than what you say. It wouldn't mean automatic divorce, but I can see it rightly being a massive issue in many relationships if one parent has very different views about health.

YY, janey, I wouldn't be happy about DP being unhealthy, either, but I wouldn't take it so personally as OP's DH did and I most certainly wouldn't be so overly dramatic and insinuating I might leave him.

I love him, he's a lovely person and my DD's father and an adult, so unless it was something really affecting us, I wouldn't be mad at him or issue ultimatums.

And anyway, while smoking is bad for you, it also depends on how much you smoke and while smoking lots may shave off on average 10 years off your lifespan, I wouldn't classify an odd cig here and there as life threatening, tbh.

This is interesting as I am in much the same postition as the OP. DH and I gave up on the same day 11 years ago but after 2 DC's, 4 years ago I started again.

I enjoy it, BUT I only smoke (one or two) outside on a Fri or Sat night. I sit in the garden with a glass of wine, after the DCs are long asleep and relax. It has NEVER crept up to more that that in four years because I am careful that it doesn't. I would consider it similar in that although I like a glass of wine, takeaway food, etc, I wouldn't do this every day, its a 'treat'. It is naive to think that all smokers are instantly addicted 20 a day types.

Yes I know its bad for me but many have far less healthy lifestyles than I do, although deep down I know this is a bit of a cop out. To go back to the original point I would be concerned about the dictatorial nature of the conversation the OP has had, surely there can be room for compromise?

I find it odd that people equate being intelligent with not partaking in harmful activities or being addicted. Since when was a low IQ linked to being more susceptible to addiction or having little will power? Intelligence has no baring on those sorts of choices or how easily someone becomes addicted or how easy they find it to abstain. If you did a straw poll of drug addicts, the obese, smokers and alcoholics, I don't think you'd find a link with low intelligence, I really don't.

IMO he is being totally unreasonable. You're hardly lighting up and blowing the smoke in his face. You didn't lie about it, you said you'd had one as soon as he asked you. He's going about this totally wrong, and risking your starting up properly behind his back and lieing about it.

You are an adult, it is up to you what you do. Having one rollie once in a while, well away from him and the children is not endangering his health, their health or setting them a bad example. Not as bad as eating chocolate in front of the children, or drinking tea or coffee or wine in front of them. Confine it to the garden after they're safely asleep, then they won't know.

Having said that, though, be aware that you may - just may - be on the slippery slope to having one every evening after the kids are asleep; and then one at lunchtime as well, and then one on the way into the office etc etc etc.

HE doesn't get to forbid you from doing anything that isn't actively, seriously harmful to the DC or to him. It would be fair enough for him to ask you never to smoke inside the house, for instance - any smoker living with non-smokers or DC should be happy to agree to that.

However, what it's probably most worth looking at is: how controlling is your H generally? Does he make most of the decicions in your household and expect you to obey him? Does he threaten to 'rethink the relationship' every time you disagree with him?

I am surprised you said didn't know that smoking was a "deal breaker" for him. In your first paragraph, you said that he is "fanatically anti-smoking" and that it is a "hot" issue for him.

From that paragraph alone, I would surmise that no smoking is a core value for him because of his health and because of his past. He explained this all to you and asked that you give up smoking, to which you did to be with him.

THIS i do know , i gave up cigs 34 hours ago and was just thinking there , " heck, i"ll go buy ten " oh no i will not now , cheers

He is being unreasonable to forbid you to smoke. You're an adult, it's your choice and legal right to do so.

However he is not being unreasonable to consider whether or not this is a deal breaker for him. If it is, then he is not at all unreasonable to leave you over the issue.

I know my husband's deal breakers - infidelity, smoking or drug addiction, lying / deceit over anything - and if I were in a position where one of those situations might come up, I'd know that if I did whatever it was and he found out, he'd want me to go. Because I love him and because his dealbreakers are also mine, I have never been tempted to smoke, or cheat.

It's not down to whatever we consider reasonable or not. It's down to what he considers reasonable - and if he's made his feelings on smoking clear and you continue to have "the odd one" then you are making your own choices knowing his thoughts and the likely consequences.