Friend down in London and didn't tell me - shortish Facebook rant

[Londonista1975]

After a break almost a year, I reactivated my account on the dreaded Facebook today so I could eventually remove all info, pics, and grab any pics I wanted before deleting. It's taking bloody ages and I should be finished in a couple of days.

Went on the profile of a close friend and saw that she'd used the checked in app to let everyone know she was staying at a nice hotel in the city this month. I see this friend about three times a year and we've been good friends for most of our lives so I'm irked she didn't tell me she was here. She's been through a hard time ths year, as have I, and I've been a shoulder to cry on and have been forever. She glazes over whenever I speak of my problems so I always give up and we go back to talking about her. When i go to the midlands i always ask if she's available to meet up even if it's just for an hour. I'm mentioning this as I'm becoming more aware of how one-sided our friendship is.

I did say a few months ago that may help her was if she went away on her own to give her some breathing space so I think this is what she's done (she lives in the midlands and the work she's occasionally done here has dried up). If she'd have said before to me 'I'm coming to London for a night and just need to be on my own' or something then I would have understood. She knows I can understand until the cows come home. Or after the visit 'I was in London this week and it did me good, I wasn't up to meeting anyone, hope you understand'. I too live my own company to an extent.

The same thing happened two years ago and she tweeted about it (we're both on it). I text her something like 'Thanks for asking to see me!'. She apologised and said she was only here for a short time for work. She didn't tweet anything about this recent visit and obviously knows I wasn't on Facebook at the time, which makes me think she had no intention of ever telling me she was here and now I'm wondering how any other times she's been here and not told me. Other places she visits in the country she's quick to tell me and she does brag a lot anyway. She also knows that my work is fairly flexible and I can have time off or leave early, and that I work in central London.

Do I need to get over myself? Or am I justified to feel upset and annoyed?

YABU

I can think of a million and one reasons why your friend didn't see you. It doesn't mean she cares about you any less.

She does not have to justify not seeing you on this occasion, nor on any other. She does not have to visit you every time she is in London. Thats not what a friendship is.

TBH you seem to think that your friendship is conditional, and she must visit you in return for giving her advice. Thats actually quite controlling. The world do not revolve around you. I have to question why you are so insecure about the friendship and feel the need to question her motives for not seeing you.

The best friendships tend to be those where you DON'T need to see each other all the time, but when it does happen it feels like time hasn't passed and you can rely on that person no matter what.

I think it is ok to feel hurt because you would have loved to see her and you didn't get to.

But also don't assume that she kept her trip from you deliberately. I use different social networks and depending on what I have open, I'll post different info on them. I never think about which friends are reading what at all.

Even if she didn't tell you deliberately, it's not necessarily malicious. She might have wanted to do something very specific and just didn't think she'd see you. That's perfectly ok too.

I think feeling "owed" is not good in a friendship. I'm friends with people I like. If I keep liking them (which involves them being kind and listening to my issues and me theirs) then we stay friends. I think you need to say:

• do I really like this person?
• can I accept that it's ok for them to have a life outside our friendship?
• if we stay friends, how can I make sure I'm happy with how much she cares?
• what does she expect from me as part of our friendship?

...I think those are the bigger issues to solve rather than anything about the trip.

Yabu. I think the reason for not telling you is pretty clear.

If the friend was on holiday, then yes, I would think she could have arranged to meet.

Not if she went for work.

Perhaps she just didn't fancy meeting you this time, and is not mentioning the trip because she is still smarting from the rather needy message you sent her the last time she came to London without visiting you. Perhaps she is trying to manage the friendship by setting a boundary that she might fairly feel you overstepped last time, namely that she wants to be able to make a trip without explaining herself to you, being that you are both adults with your own independent lives. The whole "but she could have just met up for a quick coffee before her train" misses the point if what she is trying to do is set a boundary as to what kind of contact and expectations you have of each other.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I think the insecurities about the friendship stem from me feeling let down by her - her having little empathy, and she also did the dirty on me a while ago about a large sum of money. She apologised and eventually paid me back but when I lend her money now - £60 or so every few months which she always repays promptly - part of me feels resentful that i'm the only person she can ask and I'm mistrustful that I'll get the money back. Maybe we need to talk about this.

When we do meet up, it's like the past x months of not seeing each other haven't happened and we have a good laugh but I guess the friendship is more shallow than I would like.

I do regret that needy text two years ago.

Sorry to be so moany. The replies here have been helpful so thanks again.