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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend down in London and didn't tell me - shortish Facebook rant

81 replies

Londonista1975 · 29/09/2012 22:23

After a break almost a year, I reactivated my account on the dreaded Facebook today so I could eventually remove all info, pics, and grab any pics I wanted before deleting. It's taking bloody ages and I should be finished in a couple of days.

Went on the profile of a close friend and saw that she'd used the checked in app to let everyone know she was staying at a nice hotel in the city this month. I see this friend about three times a year and we've been good friends for most of our lives so I'm irked she didn't tell me she was here. She's been through a hard time ths year, as have I, and I've been a shoulder to cry on and have been forever. She glazes over whenever I speak of my problems so I always give up and we go back to talking about her. When i go to the midlands i always ask if she's available to meet up even if it's just for an hour. I'm mentioning this as I'm becoming more aware of how one-sided our friendship is.

I did say a few months ago that may help her was if she went away on her own to give her some breathing space so I think this is what she's done (she lives in the midlands and the work she's occasionally done here has dried up). If she'd have said before to me 'I'm coming to London for a night and just need to be on my own' or something then I would have understood. She knows I can understand until the cows come home. Or after the visit 'I was in London this week and it did me good, I wasn't up to meeting anyone, hope you understand'. I too live my own company to an extent.

The same thing happened two years ago and she tweeted about it (we're both on it). I text her something like 'Thanks for asking to see me!'. She apologised and said she was only here for a short time for work. She didn't tweet anything about this recent visit and obviously knows I wasn't on Facebook at the time, which makes me think she had no intention of ever telling me she was here and now I'm wondering how any other times she's been here and not told me. Other places she visits in the country she's quick to tell me and she does brag a lot anyway. She also knows that my work is fairly flexible and I can have time off or leave early, and that I work in central London.

Do I need to get over myself? Or am I justified to feel upset and annoyed?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/09/2012 23:11

pack it in with the angst
and no nippy messages
on what youve said you do seem somewhat high maintenance

MadBusLady · 29/09/2012 23:13

I think if I received a text like that one (and the one you sent last time this happened) I'd be the one doing the ditching and distancing TBH.

ceeveebee · 29/09/2012 23:13

God I would hate to receive a message like that from a friend, would make me feel like I was being stalked, or that you thought you were my mother. Would instantly end friendship if I got a text like that (or like your earlier one).

Jinsei · 29/09/2012 23:14

Oh dear OP, I'm sorry but you do sound very needy. Please don't send any PA texts - you may end up spoiling a good friendship of many years. You need to change the way you're looking at this situation.

CuriousMama · 29/09/2012 23:19

A friend who I've been good friends with for over 30 years drunkenly FBed me to say she was in my hometown at a family party and felt guilty. I just laughed it off. I don't live there anyway (live 30 miles away now) but even if I did I wouldn't be too bothered. We haven't seen each other for at leat 5 years.

Try not to care so much about this it's not worth it.

Original poster
Londonista1975 · 29/09/2012 23:19

Well what would you do then? I'll feel differently tomorrow and won't send the message, so if anyone's got any other suggestions...?

Think I'll just pretend I never saw her FB post but arrange a meet up and have an honest chat. I knw I've been too reticent about her self-absorbed attitude so maybe it's time now to ask her for some support.

OP posts:
scarletforya · 29/09/2012 23:20

Sneakiness ! !? That's a bit strong OP. She can go wherever she likes, she's not obliged to tell you all her movements! London is a big place, I'm sure she doesn't want to always have to feel obliged to hook up if she's in London.

scottishmummy · 29/09/2012 23:23

suggestion?yes don't fb
it obviously churns you up
and you're over thinking it all

ChasedByBees · 29/09/2012 23:23

Passive aggressive is still aggressive. It's really not the way to behave towards a friend. If I had a friend that sulked if I didn't tell them my every movement and then sent PA comments about it, they wouldn't be a friend for long.

Why can't you try and see it from her point of view, she just wanted a minute or two to herself? It's not sneaky or underhand at all. It doesn't change the emery she feels about you.

ceeveebee · 29/09/2012 23:24

My suggestion would be just call her for a chat now and then. That's what most long distance friends do.

ChasedByBees · 29/09/2012 23:24

X posts. Honestly I wouldn't do anything. I wouldn't have thought twice about it in the first place though.

Original poster
Londonista1975 · 29/09/2012 23:25

When I say sneakiness, I'm talking about her not mentioning her London visit on Twitter AND to me, when she tells me everything else about her life! But she 'told' FB, which I wasn't on at the time.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/09/2012 23:29

are you always so conspiratorial and irked
no ine least nit pal owes you explanation
you need to stop fb etc. clearly give you ammunition makes you feel insecure

Leftwingharpie · 29/09/2012 23:32

I do this all the time as I have several very good old friends in London I lived with some of them for six years. I can't fit everyone in every time I go down particularly if it's for work - and my sister lives there too. Sometimes I mention to people that I'll be there but can't meet up. More often I only tell whoever I'm going down to see. Otherwise you end up juggling everyone and not spending quality time with anyone. Reading any more into it is just paranoid.

Original poster
Londonista1975 · 29/09/2012 23:32

Well it just seems out of character not to mention it is what I'm saying when she talks about everything else.

And yes, it'll be bye bye to Facebook next week when I finally remove everything. I did feel much better for the time I was deactivated for sure.

OP posts:
BonnieBumble · 29/09/2012 23:33

Well that is because she knew that you would expect to see her and she obviously wanted time on her own.

scottishmummy · 29/09/2012 23:34

if you're of a disposition that's easy upset,lose the fb
it winds you up
and you're over reading stuff and it upsets you

Eanair · 29/09/2012 23:34

OP, if you genuinely want/need support from her, then yeah, have a conversation about that. But please don't go down the 'you were here and never told me route' - there's no way back from that sort of PA behaviour.

perfumedlife · 29/09/2012 23:35

Gosh you sound like hard work. I was reprimanded for not being home when a friend popped by, despite telling her I may be home and then rushing to hospital to see my very sick father. The lecture, for that's what it was, was all the more galling as this friend has been a no show at three dinner parties of mine without so much as a text to cancel. Some folk have zero self awareness and you sound like one of them.

perfumedlife · 29/09/2012 23:38

She most likley didn't mention it to you because you'd bang on about quick coffees like you've done here. Can't you see that? Then she'd feel bad if she genuinely couldn't meet you. Who knows, maybe she's off to meet a new man Grin

Original poster
Londonista1975 · 29/09/2012 23:38

Yes I do genuinely want some support, Eanair. The past few years have been pretty tough and she hasn't helped but I know it's up to me to fix things, ultimately.

OP posts:
Idocrazythings · 29/09/2012 23:53

Do you talk to her frequently on the phone? It sounds like you do by your posts and if so she sounds like a friend of mine. She also would do things and keep it secret, but I think it was to "compartmentalise" her friendships as she didn't like all of her friendship circles mixing for whatever reason- I know it's not me as she does it to her sister and other people too. It's very odd, and can be hurtful especially when you find out things on FB that's she's deliberately not mentioned but unless you have a friend like that I don't think people can understand. Hope that makes sense.

mirry2 · 30/09/2012 00:00

It seems to me that she wasn't keeping it a secret if it's on facebook and she would know that you are one of her facebook friends. so just keep checking facebook or delete it altogether.

Eanair · 30/09/2012 00:11

Ok, that's absolutely fair enough, I just think that you should work towards that separately from feeling disgruntled that she didn't spend what may not have been her time to spend in London meeting up with people. I wish you all the very best in talking to her, but I do feel you shouldn't conflate the two things.

Eanair · 30/09/2012 00:13

(And I'm not on FB, so I admit to not getting the intricacies of seeing something there and feeling hurt by that, so, as ever, YMMV)