Friend down in London and didn't tell me - shortish Facebook rant

[Londonista1975]

After a break almost a year, I reactivated my account on the dreaded Facebook today so I could eventually remove all info, pics, and grab any pics I wanted before deleting. It's taking bloody ages and I should be finished in a couple of days.

Went on the profile of a close friend and saw that she'd used the checked in app to let everyone know she was staying at a nice hotel in the city this month. I see this friend about three times a year and we've been good friends for most of our lives so I'm irked she didn't tell me she was here. She's been through a hard time ths year, as have I, and I've been a shoulder to cry on and have been forever. She glazes over whenever I speak of my problems so I always give up and we go back to talking about her. When i go to the midlands i always ask if she's available to meet up even if it's just for an hour. I'm mentioning this as I'm becoming more aware of how one-sided our friendship is.

I did say a few months ago that may help her was if she went away on her own to give her some breathing space so I think this is what she's done (she lives in the midlands and the work she's occasionally done here has dried up). If she'd have said before to me 'I'm coming to London for a night and just need to be on my own' or something then I would have understood. She knows I can understand until the cows come home. Or after the visit 'I was in London this week and it did me good, I wasn't up to meeting anyone, hope you understand'. I too live my own company to an extent.

The same thing happened two years ago and she tweeted about it (we're both on it). I text her something like 'Thanks for asking to see me!'. She apologised and said she was only here for a short time for work. She didn't tweet anything about this recent visit and obviously knows I wasn't on Facebook at the time, which makes me think she had no intention of ever telling me she was here and now I'm wondering how any other times she's been here and not told me. Other places she visits in the country she's quick to tell me and she does brag a lot anyway. She also knows that my work is fairly flexible and I can have time off or leave early, and that I work in central London.

Do I need to get over myself? Or am I justified to feel upset and annoyed?

[CakeBump]

If its a one sided relationship, what the fuck is the problem?

Get a new friend.

[pigletmania]

Mabey she does not want to tell you, and did not want to meet up with anybody, so kept silent instead of telling you. Yes your friendship does sound one sided, all about her. I would let it go

[PeshwariNaan]

I have friends (granted, not super close ones) who've come through London from OVERSEAS and not let me know.

It doesn't bother me - they may have had a whirlwind trip or come to see family, closer friends, etc.

Personally I think you sound a bit controlling and touchy from your account of this. If she's not such a great friend, why bother? Just let it go.

[ChasedByBees]

My hometown has my family and school friends. I prioritise seeing my family so I often go out of my way not to mention my trips home to school friends as it seems harsh to say, 'I'm in the area but don't have time to see you'. I don't see that as being sneaky, I thought it was being considerate.

[HoleyGhost]

Think I'll just pretend I never saw her FB post but arrange a meet up and have an honest chat. I knw I've been too reticent about her self-absorbed attitude so maybe it's time now to ask her for some support.

If you want to keep the friendship, just skip to the last bit.

[tweedledumtweedletwat]

I had a couple of friends in London, I live in Scotland. I used to go and see them a couple of times a year. They never once made the effort to come and see me. My husband was going for a job interview in London. He works overseas and is only back for a couple of weeks at a time. Usually we go away for a weekend ourselves. We were only going to London overnight but we knew if our friends knew about it they would huff and puff until we agreed to travel to either North London or South London to see them so we decided not to tell them we were going as we didn't really have the time to travel all over London and just wanted some time to ourselves. He stupidly 'checked' us into the hotel we were staying at on facebook and the next day when we got back they sent me private messages ranting and raving about how selfish we were. I soon reminded them that over the years I have probably spent a good couple of thousand pounds going to visit them and not once have they bothered coming to see us once. I've never visited them since.

[RowgtfcGOLD72]

In the same boat. Brother came up from London this week. Only noticed as his friend mentioned it on Facebook. Didnt bother to come see me or his niece. Saw my dad for an hour. His loss not mine. Maybe she just didnt want to see you.

[Londonista1975]

I admit I can be controlling and bossy sometimes, but I've been a good source of support to her over the years, she's said this as have others, maybe too much.

But we'll have a chat soon without mentioning FB and see what happens.

I've been distancing myself a little lately and feel less drained, btw.

[AnOldieButNotSoGoody]

She obviously didn't want to see you.

She didn't have to.

You sound needy.

[ihearsounds]

She can do whatever she wants, go where ever she wants and see whoever she wants. So what if she never mentioned it to you what her plans were. Just because you like to let everyone know in that area that you are going, doesn't mean that everyone else does this. I often go places on a whim, and don't meet up with people, because sometimes I simply cannot be arsed with people. Get over it.

[HiHowAreYou]

Hmm. I admit I felt a bit hurt when I realised my old friend from Scotland had quite frequent trips to London with work, but had socialised too, and hadn't mentioned trying to meet up with me.
We never get to see each other.

But, I got over myself. There are more important things than me in London to her obviously, and that's not a crime, it's fair enough!

[MerylStrop]

You sound v high maintenance, like you have very high expectations...and a teeny weeny bit paranoid

She came to the city you live in and didn't see you. It's really no biggie.

[eurochick]

I used to live abroad. I would only tell the people I had time to see that I was coming back to London for a day or two. I wouldn't mention it to the others. I would see my parents and one close friend pretty much every time. The others I would try to see and let know I was in town from time to time. There was no way I could have fitted in everyone on one visit.

[DorsetKnob]

You sound like hard work and quite needy.

[SoleSource]

Yabu and need to find out why you are so needy.

[ethelb]

jeezus! If I went somewhere for work I would be v pissed off if I was expected to meet up with someone just because they live in the same city. I would have to work. Any meetup would have to be entirely on my terms if at all.

Do you travel for work op? have you ever had to lug a laptop/suitcase/suit across town for different meetings. Work a 12 hour day away from home with a long train/plane journey either side? Get some empathy!

[Londonista1975]

Ethelb, it's very likely she wasn't here for work. But in any case, I know she needs a lot of time to herself and I'm trying not to take it personally now I've slept on it.

[scottishmummy]

irrespective of why she visited Ldn,she not obliged to see you
the problem here is your expectation and subsequent disappointment
you seem to set friends v high expectations to meet

[80sMum]

It all sounds a bit "school-girly" to me. Grown up people usually accept and understand that other people are free to do what they want and are not accountable to their friends for their every move!!
I think your friend probably has the measure of you, OP. She knew that if you knew she was in town you'd expect a meet-up, so she avoided the awkwardness of having to invent an excuse to turn you down by not telling you in the first place!

[Londonista1975]

Yeah you're right 80smum, it's been a long friendship so she's well aware of my failings, though as she's pointed out so many times, I do have my good points...honestly!

[RubyrooUK]

I think there are two separate issues here OP.

One is the trip to London. I wouldn't be at all offended if a friend came to the city where I live and didn't get in touch unless we had already arranged to meet. I would be very confused and hurt to receive a passive aggressive text about it if I did the same thing. I can't imagine any of my friends doing anything like this.

The second issue is your dissatisfaction with your friendship. If you feel your friend isn't listening to your problems, that is something where maybe you should sit down for a good talk. However, it may be that your friend feels differently about things, so be prepared for her to take a different view.

Ultimately, I don't think you should do anything about the London trip though or you risk being the unreasonable one in your friendship.

[MardyArsedMidlander]

Travelling from the Midlands to London for work? So getting up at 4am, train, tube across London, fnding meeting place. meeting overruns and facilitator says 'So we'll just have 20 mins for lunch'. Day ends, stagger back to hotel, meeting in the evening with work colleagues. Next day do it all again, except at 5pm have to cross London in order to get on train home with reserved ticket?
Yeah, the SELFISH bitch

[Londonista1975]

I think I felt owed something for all the support I've given her, which I don't like admitting but it's how I felt. Someone to talk to who's known me more than anyone else.

But I know I have to look within myself because she deliberately not told me about the visit and wanted to avoid me. She tells me everything else travel-wise. Am I Wrong to feel a little hurt, even though it's probably because of my own issues?

[80sMum]

No, no you're not wrong to feel hurt. You may have misjudged the nature of your friendship, that's all. Evidently your friend doesn't want quite as much contact as you do, or maybe you are easily offended or ulset (it seems like you are) and she didn't want to have to explain to you why she didn't want to or couldn't meet up with you.

[80sMum]

that should read "upset" of course. Sorry!