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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking this child's parents should pick him up?

110 replies

WhatAFlange · 29/09/2012 19:48

Dc has a new friend and they have become quite close.

Friend was here yesterday and about 7pm said he was going home. I asked if his parents were picking him up and he said no.

Now, he lives about 3 miles away and to walk home must go down a long country road. It's at the bottom of woodland and has a path near the road which is hidden behind bushes all the way along with sparse street lights. No houses along the way, no nothing, just dense trees.

Needless to say, I drove him home. It is not safe for a 13 year old to do that walk alone at anytime, nevermind in the pitch dark.

He is here again today and of course, if his parents don't collect him I will drive him home myself. I'm happy to, and apart from that, if anything happened to him on his way home I would never forgive myself.

But, aibu to think that his parents shouldn't just leave him to it and hope for the best?

I wouldn't walk that road myself, never mind let dc walk it alone in the dark.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 30/09/2012 18:15

piglet, we are not all you, either! And frankly, you needn't take a position of moral superiority.

I'm not blasé about safety; I am capable of making a judgement about these things for the children in my care.

You may have different standards when it comes to diet, to bf vs bottle feed, to immunisations, to car seats, god - to all manner of things. And I will happily leave you to care for your child as you see fit. Unless of course you are acting negligently or abusively, in which case I would naturally contact the appropriate authority.

I suggest that if the OP feels the parents in this case are acting negligently, she contact the authorities and an investiagtion can be launched.

You cannot possibly know what the road is like anymore than we can. The OP is entitled to make her own judgement of it, but so are the parents of the child.

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 18:23

Well I guess brdgrl we all have differing standards, as op knows the area and the road and the boy, has decided it's not safe so has driven him

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 18:27

Exactly piglet. I don't think it's overprotective to drive 3 miles and ensure a child's safety TBH.

Takver · 30/09/2012 18:56

"I don't think it's overprotective to drive 3 miles and ensure a child's safety"

The problem is that you also have to take into account the negative dangers of overprotection, lack of independence, lack of exercise, pollution and climate change which our children are suffering / will suffer in the future.

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 19:01

I understand what you say *Takver8, but there are plenty of other ways to promote independence in a 13 year old than 3 miles walks in the dark. My DS also gets plenty of exercise without nighttime walks.

Pollution and climate change? Mmmm that's a whole other thread I think.

Takver · 30/09/2012 19:02

"I would hate to walk 3 miles along a dark county path, forrests and bushes covering. That ould be my idea of hell. "

Why? Not being awkward - but what would you worry about. Do you live somewhere very dangerous with a lot of attacks? Statistically surely it is more dangerous to walk in a city, though the likelihood of anything happening to you is still vanishingly small (and probably less than the benefits of the extra exercise).

Takver · 30/09/2012 19:03

"Pollution and climate change? Mmmm that's a whole other thread I think."

But if we live in a society where a 13 year old young man isn't capable of walking 3 miles, I don't see any realistic way of achieving that without fossil fuels - and hence climate change.

halloweeneyqueeney · 30/09/2012 19:04

I wouldn't fancy walking 3 miles along an unlit country road in the dark myself!
I'm independant, I get exercise, but I wouldn't fancy that walk!

did they send him with a reflective outer vest or anything?

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 19:04

Not everyone likes going out in the dark, especially if it's not necessary. I certainly wouldn't be out walking alone in the dark for exercise.

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 19:10

No I would just find it creepy tats all, your at more risk of attack in the dark. There was a thread n here not long ago whereby the op did not give her 15 year brother a lift after the cinema lateat night, and he was attacked on the way home. I will forego pollution to ensures child gets home safest night, doesn't mean I cotton wool my child in other aspects, that I would not feel comfortable sending a 13 year old on a 3 mile walk home on a very rural route

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 19:13

No I don't drive I would ask dh to drop child home. I walk everywhere but would certainly not do the route op describes, we all have our comfort zones, and this would be outside mine

halloweeneyqueeney · 30/09/2012 19:16

in terms of traffic country roads are IMO much more dangerous than urban ones

you can be attacked etc any time, but on windy country roads in the dark you are particularly vulnerable to the traffic

part of being independant is learning what NOT to do too y'know! being independent doesn't mean just doing everything regardless of how unpleasant it feels!

Original poster
WhatAFlange · 30/09/2012 19:44

Wow! Lots of differing opinions here!

I have worked it out and according to AA route planner it is a 3.4 mile journey.

Here is a video (if the link works) of the part if the journey that worries me:

As you can see, the footpath is higher than the road, the trees and bushes between the road and the path are currently as talk as the lampposts. There is no road lighting. That in the dark is not safe IMO, having lived here for over 10 years.

OP posts:
Inneedofbrandy · 30/09/2012 19:50

Me and my friends all traipsed around after dark, walking 3 to 4 miles to get home.

I wouldn't take any well it's dark he might be attacked into account, just because it happened to someone somewhere does not mean it will happen to someone else somewhere else. It's not like there isn't street lights. 13 is perfectly old enough to walk home light or dark, esp when the clocks go back. I might be selfish but no way am I going to ferry around my dc when there that age.

Would be quite cross if other parents felt to undermine what I felt wa appropriate to.

Inneedofbrandy · 30/09/2012 19:51

X post with the lighting issue but meh about that. If he was my son I'd get him a high vis and a torch.

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 19:53

So if 3 miles is ok, how far isn't ok?

Inneedofbrandy · 30/09/2012 19:59

Anywhere he gets himself to he can get himself back to. If he doesn't want to walk or bike so much then don't go that far. I'm only 24 so not to old and it was the norm to go all over the town, it was only if we were going into the nearest city we had to make a effort to tell parents out where abouts!

brdgrl · 30/09/2012 21:12

op knows the area and the road and the boy, has decided it's not safe so has driven him

Piglet, I have no objections to the Op forming her own opinion about the safety of the walk for her child.

She also has the right to say to the parents that she is not comfortable with the responsibility of seeing a young boy off after dark unaccompanied, and that the boy isn't welcome to visit after dark.

We don't actually know what if anything the parents have said about the issue - and I have said twice that I think OP should discuss it with them.

But if she does, and they indicate that they're comfortable with him walking, I really do think the OP should accept that.

So if 3 miles is ok, how far isn't ok?
You might just as well ask - if 3 miles is too far, what distance is short enough? It is down to the parents and the individual circumstances - and meh to the cinema thread spectre as well - I know of a teen who was attacked within a block of his home - so does that mean we shoudl all keep our children indoors altogether?

Pollution and climate change? Mmmm that's a whole other thread I think.

Why? It is totally relevant here.

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 21:20

I think safety of children v pollution and climate change is a whole other thread actually.

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 21:28

I would contact the parents if I were op and discuss the issue. He is not allowed to the house in the evening unless parents collect him.

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 21:39

Well I have nothing else to add. I will continue to drive any DC that require it whether they are mine or not so they don't have to walk in the dark. I will not lose any sleep if I upset the parents by doing this.

brdgrl · 30/09/2012 21:50

You are doing it again, sparkling - that assumes that the action under discussion is unsafe. OK, you feel it is - but some people feel it isn't - so again, no one is talking about making a child do something they feel to be unsafe because they think the environment is more important. You are projecting.

I will not lose any sleep if I upset the parents by doing this.

If you were a parent of my DD or DSCs friends, we'd possibly end up telling the kids they couldn't go around there, THEN, as the other parent wasn't willing to back up our rules and in fact was willing to directly contradict my parenting and say that they didn't care. That kind of sucks, but I'm not going to let another parent decide what is or is not safe for my family, against my direct instructions. If you think my kids aren't safe, call the authorities. Or butt out.

If your kid came to our house and wanted to walk home, but I knew you didn't allow that, I wouldn't send them out the door. Respect for other parents.

brdgrl · 30/09/2012 21:55

And if you were involved in a car accident whilst driving my child, against my instructions? I certainly must have the right as a parent to say that I don't want my child in a car with a driver I have not authorised to transport my child.

You are under no obligation to make my child welcome in your home, but neither have you any right to take my minor child anywhere in a car without my knowledge or permission.

Original poster
WhatAFlange · 30/09/2012 22:00

Just to add, I don't feel I am overprotective - the kids had been out all day - they took themselves off into London on the tube, went to the museums and kensington park gardens and got themselves home again.

The walk either end of the country road is ok, its just that particular bit.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 22:01

Thanks brdgrl but I am butting out. Luckily my sons' friends don't have your attitude to all this.