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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking this child's parents should pick him up?

110 replies

WhatAFlange · 29/09/2012 19:48

Dc has a new friend and they have become quite close.

Friend was here yesterday and about 7pm said he was going home. I asked if his parents were picking him up and he said no.

Now, he lives about 3 miles away and to walk home must go down a long country road. It's at the bottom of woodland and has a path near the road which is hidden behind bushes all the way along with sparse street lights. No houses along the way, no nothing, just dense trees.

Needless to say, I drove him home. It is not safe for a 13 year old to do that walk alone at anytime, nevermind in the pitch dark.

He is here again today and of course, if his parents don't collect him I will drive him home myself. I'm happy to, and apart from that, if anything happened to him on his way home I would never forgive myself.

But, aibu to think that his parents shouldn't just leave him to it and hope for the best?

I wouldn't walk that road myself, never mind let dc walk it alone in the dark.

OP posts:
SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow · 29/09/2012 20:32

Perhaps he could arrange to stay over if he comes again? Three miles, down remote roads is quite a trek regardless of what age you are. You could make him leave at 5 so that at least he is home for 6.

Does he have a mobile phone?

I wouldn't think anything of him not having a coat or jumper, if he is anything like my DC's, his patents have probably given up asking him to dress warmly.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2012 20:35

I spent most of my early teenage years in a remote village in Devon.. we had legs and a torch... we knew road safety and walking home in the dark was a regular occurrence for us..

brdgrl · 29/09/2012 20:38

8 years old. And we were very new to the area. We could have been anybody

Ah. Big difference though between 8 and 13. And in fairness - anybody could be 'anybody', IYSWIM - if my DD was going to be molested by a schoolfriend's parent, I probably wouldn't know from meeting them anyway. I suppose maybe I'd twig if they were members of a dangerous religious cult or something...but honestly, by 13 I'd expect her to be able to go to a friend's home on a casual basis. But as was said above - we are all different - I wasn't brought up in the sort of small community where everyone knew everyone else anyway, so most of my friends' parents were 'strangers'.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 29/09/2012 20:39

I think you're doing the right thing taking him home.

I don't walk anywhere in the dark alone, I wouldn't expect a child to.

My parents used to always give lifts if I hadn't been too much of a bitch whenever I asked , I'm very greatful for that!

RuleBritannia · 29/09/2012 20:51

He would be all right walking home alone if he were to wear a high vis jacket or stripes and walked at the side of the road facing oncoming traffic.

It so annoys me when I see people out during the day where there is no pavement and they are walking in the same direction as I am driving. Haven't they ever read the Highway Code? If not, why not?

I remember that dreadful occasion when (I think they were Sea Scouts) a column of about thirteen teenagers was walking along the road at night on the left hand side; no pavements, no street lights and they wore no light clothing and did not carry torches (white at the front and red at the back). They were all mown down by a motor vehicle and were killed. That's when The Highway Code became more well known. There are rules in it for pedestrians. Please read that section.

LongTimeLurking · 29/09/2012 21:47

I don't know, if it is completely dark the I guess YANBU, walking down a country lane (are there footpaths?) in the dark is the type of situation where a kid could easily get run over.

In the middle of summer then YABU. Despite what the media say there are not paedos on every corner looking for victims... 13yo should be able to walk home safely.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 29/09/2012 23:08

My daughters' friends' parents used to take it upon themselves to drop them home, shocked that we were not collecting them. The journey consisted of a short walk along populated, well lit streets, 2 stops on the tube and another short, well lit walk. My daughters found it embarrassing and unnecessary. I found it borderline offensive.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2012 23:11

I would actually say that daylight was likely to be more dangerous than in the dark, with regards to traffic accidents. At night time you see the headlights long before you even hear the car, and as teens are quite likely to have their ears blocked by headphones. A light coloured jacket or one with hi-vis on it is essential, and a torch.

Sparklingbrook · 29/09/2012 23:12

Offensive What? That they were doing something nice for your daughter?What terrible people they must have been. Sad

brdgrl · 29/09/2012 23:21

what, I understand and agree. DSD is 17. DH and I have been encouraging her to take more responsibility for her own transportation arrangements. This means that while she still gets lifts when it is not feasible or safe (in her father's estimation, or in his absence, mine) for her to take public transport, she is expected to make her own way home when it is feasible and safe.

The mother of one of her friends clearly disapproves of this, and will make her DH drive DSD home from their house/other outings. DH and I are actually quite annoyed by it - she is a nice woman, but she is overstepping. Her own daughter gets lifts everywhere she goes - fine for them - but not for us, and by stepping in where a decision has already been made, she's not actually helping.

MsVestibule · 29/09/2012 23:30

Rule just looked that up - 24 boys (aged 10-13ish) were killed by a bus Shock. It was 61 years ago, but still send a chill down my spine to think of the carnage.

OP, YANBU. It's not the fact that he has to walk 3 miles in the dark that's a huge problem, but the route looks awful. For the relatively small inconvenience to you, I'd carry on giving him a lift too.

alvinchip · 29/09/2012 23:33

Some people just have rubbish parents. You are very nice to take him home.

Hulababy · 29/09/2012 23:36

brdgrl - has your DD refused the lifts and say she would rather go herself? If not, maybe they are just doing a nice thing.

I would always offer in such a situation if I were able - not because I was interefering, just because I would be being nice to the girl!

PizzaSlut · 29/09/2012 23:38

YANBU, for the last 2 weeks I have done the lift home from youth club for my DD and her friends because they are too lazy drunk to pick up their children on a Friday night.

McHappyPants2012 · 29/09/2012 23:41

3 miles by car is not a lot, if the dc are awake I will drive my 16 year old sister home.

brdgrl · 29/09/2012 23:48

Of course she would rather get a lift than get herself home. She is 17 and still learning that it is not always right to take people up on things when they offer. That's part of the problem.

We have recently had a talk with her about it all, and I think maybe she's taken it on board - we'll see.

To put it another way - we didn't stop giving her lifts ourselves because we can't be bothered. We stopped because it doesn't often make sense for a person to drive two ways (lift plus return journey for her friend's parent; or there and back for DH), using twice the time and petrol, in a private vehicle, when there is safe, quick, accessible public transportation. And because it doesn't make sense for us to have to stay in ourselves every weekend or summer evening in order to arrange her lifts, when there is safe, quick, accessible public transportation (the same transport we use ourselves when we do go out). And because at 17, she wants greater independence - to go places, to stay out later, to do more - and along with that comes the responsibility of sorting out in advance how you will get there and how you will get home. And when she goes to uni next year, we want her to know how to arrange things for herself, not be looking for a lift when the pub shuts and she's got no clue what she's about.

And someone stepping in, after having been told several times by DH that it is unnecessary, undermines all of that.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 29/09/2012 23:49

Sparkling they were not doing something nice for my daughter. She wanted to make her own way home and was embarrassed at them making a fuss. They were making judgements about my parenting. I found that offensive.
Offering a lift is one thing. Insisting in the face of a polite refusal is quite another.

Startailoforangeandgold · 29/09/2012 23:53

The boys next door would have been perfectly happy to do this. Their household never keeps a car running for 5 minutes and they pinch, break and lose each others bikes at regular intervals. I quite often pick them up and bring them back or drop them at the bus stop in town. their little sister used to walk the same 3 miles to get the bus to nursery (with an adult).

I probably only ever walked a mile or 2, but I cycled 8 miles to see a friend and 8 miles back a lot on Sundays and we often spent the day out on our bikes as well.

Modern DCs are very lazy and modern roads are not nice.

Remember DCs over 8 don't get free bus passes for less than 3 miles so in the not to distant past that was considered reasonable.

brdgrl · 29/09/2012 23:53

I should say - DSD tells us that she refuses, but they insist. She is not able to say no firmly enough, and maybe doesn't try as hard to as she might - but I believe her when she says she tries to decline.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2012 23:56

You have not met his parents. You don't even know if he has parents eg he could live with grandparents foster parents etc .
Until you met his parents you can make any judgement about them . and why he has to walk home. And as you said maybe they don't have a car. Or are sick. Or whatever.

If you have a car and it isn't a problem then drive him home .

Or at least lend him a fleece to walk if it is cold and he has no jumper...

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 00:29

YANBU unreasonable at all, he is 13 not 30 fgs and is stilla child under op care whilst he at her house. By 7 it is getting fully dark and it's 3 miles away. I would telephone his parents and ask if they will pick him up

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 00:38

I am shocked about the number of eople on here who would let a 13 year old child, walk 3 miles down a lonely deserted sparsely lit road at night. I would not do it as a 35 year old adult and would not expect a chid to do it. A few weeks ago there was a thread about a lady who did nt give her 17 year old brother a lift back from the cinema, he walked 3 mies home and was attacked. Well done op, you are doing the right thing. I would contact the parents and see f they collect him, if they are not able to I would still give him a lift you sad it's no problem

Horseymumjo · 30/09/2012 00:55

I don't think you're being unreasonable. We live about 3 miles from our local town, and are out in the middle of nowhere. I wouldn't let my 13 yo dd walk that on her own in the dark. No way. I wouldn't let her walk it in the daylight either cttoi. Call me overprotective. Idc. I'd rather she was safe. I would drop dc friends home too, and couldn't in clear conscience think 'their parents don't care, not my kid, not my problem'.

I would try to meet parents though and ascertain that they are aware their child plans to walk it if you don't offer. Child may have told parents that you insist on bringing them home.

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 01:03

I would not live with myself if anything happened to that child. Whatever the way parent, whilst tat child is at the op house she has a duty of care towards him, stuff tat yep they would expect him to walk, his safety is paramount. Even an adult, I would give a lift to at night

Leena49 · 30/09/2012 05:12

yANBU I would take him home because I would want to know he was safe. I used to walk home in the dark at 13 and was scared out of my wits. I don't know why some parents are so nonchalant about their child's safety. My dd has just turned 13 and if its dark we make sure she is either getting dropped off or we collect her.