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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking this child's parents should pick him up?

110 replies

WhatAFlange · 29/09/2012 19:48

Dc has a new friend and they have become quite close.

Friend was here yesterday and about 7pm said he was going home. I asked if his parents were picking him up and he said no.

Now, he lives about 3 miles away and to walk home must go down a long country road. It's at the bottom of woodland and has a path near the road which is hidden behind bushes all the way along with sparse street lights. No houses along the way, no nothing, just dense trees.

Needless to say, I drove him home. It is not safe for a 13 year old to do that walk alone at anytime, nevermind in the pitch dark.

He is here again today and of course, if his parents don't collect him I will drive him home myself. I'm happy to, and apart from that, if anything happened to him on his way home I would never forgive myself.

But, aibu to think that his parents shouldn't just leave him to it and hope for the best?

I wouldn't walk that road myself, never mind let dc walk it alone in the dark.

OP posts:
nooka · 30/09/2012 06:35

When I was 13 my parents very rarely gave me lifts anywhere after five or so years of getting two and from school on my own I don't think they felt they needed to. But then we did live in London with loads of public transport options. My cousin and I regularly walked the half an hour or so between each others houses even in the dark.

So I don't feel particularly uncomfortable about the idea of a child that age being considered responsible enough to get himself home under his own steam. The OP says that there is a path so he's not walking on the road (I agree a narrow winding country lane in the dark would concern me). But if it's really three miles that's about an hours walk which is a bit much (especially when it's a five minute drive). I have a 12 and 13 year old and they definitely wouldn't be happy about walking that far!

Horseymumjo · 30/09/2012 09:05

When I was13 years old my parents rarely gave me lifts anywhere. I used to cycle 5 miles (each way) to see to my pony every day, come sun, wind, rain, sleet or snow. On 60mph unlit country roads, with juggernauts on them. I was frequently terrified, and more than once in danger or had a lucky escape.

Things have changed. The world we live in has changed, for the worse. I would never expect or let my own dc do that, nor would I let their friends.

scorpionne · 30/09/2012 11:43

I don't really think the world is more dangerous, it's just everyone's perception.

I went to uni at 17 (older than the boy in the OP obviously but not that much) and used to walk everywhere alone at night as I couldn't afford taxis. My parents didn't really know what I was doing, but whenever I went home in the holidays, they would always want to pick me up if it was dark. No difference in what I was doing, just their perception. I think sometimes you just have to tell yourself that although it's awful if something happens, fortunately it is very rare and the child will almost certainly be fine.

eurochick · 30/09/2012 11:56

I don't think it is particularly unreasonable for a 13 year old boy to walk 3 miles. TBH at his age, I probably would have run it in half that time! If his parents are comfortable with it, then I don't see the problem. Some highvis might not be a bad idea though if he is walking on unlit roads.

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 12:16

I still don't think it's right.

NobodySaidItWasGoingToBeEasy · 30/09/2012 12:55

He is walking on a lit path. If he is happy and his parents are happy there is no issue at all.

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 13:30

There would only be an issue if something happened to him I suppose. then there would be a HUGE issue. If i can avoid that then he's in the car.

SirBoobAlot · 30/09/2012 13:32

I'm 21 and wouldn't want to walk three miles in the dark.

< shudder >

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 13:35

Don't worry Sir, it's only 13 year olds that have to do it-we don't have to. It's character building. Sad

brdgrl · 30/09/2012 13:46

No one has said that, sparklingbrook. Not one person.

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 13:48

I know nobody actually said it. I wasn't quoting. It's just one of the impressions I got reading some of the posts about there being no reason they shouldn't.

gettingeasier · 30/09/2012 14:05

My Mum didnt have a car so lifts werent ever an option for me

I also had a paper round that involved a long trek in the dark in winter mornings and took ages but nobody ever thought about it

This is an issue on the horizon for me with the clocks changing. I have a 13yo DD who is out and about a lot and in the summer I have been happy for her to come home 10pm as its lightish .

What do you do in winter ? Say you have to be home at 4pm ? Or is darkness at 4pm safer than darkness at 8pm say ? To me its absurd to say you have to be home at 4pm because its dark

I dont know I am dreading it

In answer to the OP I wouldnt give a lift home, bluntly I have enough issues with my own DC that I would consider it the friends parents responsibility to pick up unless I had been asked to help out.

OatyBeatie · 30/09/2012 14:17

Are you sure it is three miles? Sometimes people who don't walk very much are a bit prone to over-estimating distances. If it was, say, two miles, I wouldn't think twice about doing it myself and I'd be happy for a 13yo friend of ds to do it provided he was happy with it himself and provided I was sure his parents knew exactly what he was doing. Even three miles seems ok if all concerned are happy, -- depending of course on the details of the locality.

brdgrl · 30/09/2012 14:30

"Character building" suggests that those are pro-walk (so to speak), think it actually is dangerous/too difficult/unkind BUT are justifying that with a sort of 'adversity makes you stronger' argument.

In fact, some people are saying that they feel it would be a reasonable walk for the kid. That is a completely different thing.

No, you aren't quoting, but you are mischaracterizing the tone and content of the posts.

(I would never allow my child to engage in an activity with an unacceptable level of risk just to 'build character' - most caring parents wouldn't - BUT each of us must determine what an 'acceptable level of risk' is, and weigh that against the need to raise independent, well-adjusted children, and whatever other factors they have - work, finances, etc... If your threshold is "at 13, my child won't walk 3 miles", then that is fine. But it obviously isn't everyone's, and that doesn't make them wrong or "rubbish parents".

Personally, I wouldn't make a judgement without making the walk myself, knowing my area, and taking into account my own child's abilities and comfort level. But I'd be annoyed if whatever decision I came to were ignored because soemone else thought they knew better. I do think the OP should contact the parents and find out - but if they say they're happy, she should leave it.)

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 14:38

Yes, i see what you are saying brdgrl. Also all 13 year olds are very different as are their parents.

My DS1 (13) would not even entertain the idea of walking 3 miles in the dark alone,along unlit country roads. I don't think any of his friends would either.

Takver · 30/09/2012 14:40

I'm shocked at the number of people on here who wouldn't be willing to walk three miles on a quiet country road! If there were no path then it would be a very different matter because of the danger of cars, but it sounds like there's a safely off-road footpath.

DD is 10, her friend will regularly walk the 2 miles here, or dd walk back from his house, about 1 mile on a country track then the rest through the village. I wouldn't want them walking it in the dark, but 13 is a lot bigger than 10.

Very often I'll be (walking) back from there myself as I'm friends with the lad's mum & dd will choose to stay longer to play longer & walk home alone.

TBH I don't think that training children to expect to drive/be driven anywhere is doing them any favours for later life both in terms of independence and health/fitness.

Takver · 30/09/2012 14:41

sorry, that should say be driven everywhere - obviously I give a lift if they need to go 10 miles and there's no bus!

NobodySaidItWasGoingToBeEasy · 30/09/2012 14:42

But it isn't an unlit country road Confused

It is a lit footpath. brdgrl, I do agree very much that it really is impossible for any of us to make a judgement about what we would do with our own children because we don't know the area.

Sparklingbrook · 30/09/2012 14:44

I do walk 3 miles a day on a quiet country road, but there is no way I would do it in the dark.

In the daylight I would have no qualms about DS1 doing the same walk. It's all down to it being dark for me. It isn't the same.

NobodySaidItWasGoingToBeEasy · 30/09/2012 14:45

Just asked ds (13) he said he wouldn't mind. He asked why and I explained the OP and he rolled his eyes and said "You've got to be kidding me"

Takver · 30/09/2012 14:46

I quite happily walk miles in the dark on country roads (caveat - I wear a reflective belt or waistcoat) - not much option if you have a dog who needs winter walks. DD often comes too :)

cocolepew · 30/09/2012 14:52

I wouldn't be happy because I'd worry if I didn't know he'd arrived home safe. I even make my DDs walk their friends to the door in our street when its dark and I have called the DDs in.

aldiwhore · 30/09/2012 14:52

I used to walk home from my friends farm, alone, along 3 miles of unlit Devonshire lanes at 13. Sometimes in the dark. My mum didn't know. If she had she'd have had a fit. I would not knowingly let my kids do it even though its actually now a much treasured personal memory and life affirming!

YANBU...

Takver · 30/09/2012 15:15

"I wouldn't be happy because I'd worry if I didn't know he'd arrived home safe."

When dd's friend sets off home I call his parents to let them know he's on his way - for a 13 y/o maybe more appropriate to ask them to phone when they arrive back.

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 17:33

Sorry Tackver but we are not all you. I would hate to walk 3 miles along a dark county path, forrests and bushes covering. That ould be my idea of hell. I am still shocked that people on here are so blasé about a child's safety, we are not talking about an urban area, but a 3 mile walk, in the dark along narrow country paths with forrests and the like, no houses. The boy is only 13 still a child, and could get attacked, noway could I live with that