Am I normal?

[Marthamoo123]

Don't ask me how this conversation with dh came about, I cant remember, but it keeps going round and round in my head.

We were talking about the worst thing that could happen to us. Obviously, something terrible happening to ds or dh would devistate me. I don't think I could get over either.

Dh said that his mum or dad dying would be something that would make him feel that way. I asked what about me or ds? (he's not ds bio father, but ds calls him dad, adores him). He said that he could find another wife, have children but that his mum and dad he couldn't replace.

It's stung me. Dh is irriplaceable to me.

My own mum died when I was a child. My dad is still here, but he's almost 80. Of course I'll be sad when he dies, but really, I have my life with my dh and my ds to live. My mum died at 40, her life was cut short, anything into old age for me is a bonus.

Aibu to be upset by what he said? That I'm so repalceable? To be honest its got me me questioning a lot.

I think you have low self esteem and went from one harmful relationship to another. This marriage happened very quickly, especially to include you divorcing exh.

I think you need some single time. You need to work on your self esteem and what you want. You want/need/deserve a dh that puts you and your children (ds and any subsequent ones) first. You need feel you deserve that.

Or you could be happy as a single woman having lots of fun. You do not NEED a dh, but may want one.

You seem very sad and this man is not helping you.

OMFG!

Yes you are normal. He, on the other hand, is deeply abnormal IMO.No matter how much you love your parents, you know that barring tragedy (as you have experienced) you are going to outlive them. It is 'the natural order' of things. Your spouse is the person you expect to grow old with, and your children are the ones you expect to bury you. I can imagine nothing worse than burying my child.

"He said that he could find another wife, have children but that his mum and dad he couldn't replace."
It's not about replaceability though, is it? Nobody is replaceable. But an employer can replace an skivvy employee. Because it's a role to be filled, and loads of people can do that job, can't they? So he sees 'wife' as a position in his establishment, with you as the person currently fulfilling that role. But you're not actually a person. Not really.

"But he's told me he loves them more in the past. He said his mum, dad and sister mean the world to him and would always come before me. "
That statement is, again, deeply abnormal. Your family is who you get, your spouse is who you choose. If my husband said either of these things to me, never mind both, I would doubt his commitment to me. Well, more than doubt, I'd know. Because he just spelled it out for me.

"My dad lives 400 miles away and comes to stay one weekend every six weeks. He's old and is hard work. Dh told me he 'dreads' my dad staying. When dhs parents come down once a month, they expect full waitress treatment from me, as well as my bed and my full attention (I do a pretty full on uni course so I've a lot to do). I told him once in anger (after a horrendous miscarriage a few months ago) that I was dreading their visit as I was in no fit state he threatened to leave me. Called me evil."
So he can say/feel it but you can't? Pure double standards? And frankly, if that's what his parents expect of you, I fail to see how you can also regard them as "lovely, possibly among the nicest people I've met in my life". That is not the kind of behaviour I expect from lovely people. And he threatened to leave you and called you evil? Words fail me.

And as for "He's only happy when I'm running around waiting on him hand and foot being the 1950s housewife." - truly, fuck that for a game of soldiers. And how does this impact on your son? Is he effectively being indoctrinated to expect this of his life partner?

I am so sorry Marthamoo123, but your husband is an arse. It really is time to reassess your life. You are normal. He is not.

Marthamoo you are not normal.You are dithering about, moaning about the fact that he said his parents were more important than you when you asked him a question.If you had the slightest inkling that this would be his reply,then you could be seen as a little silly for asking in the first place. Theoretically obviously what he is saying is true.If you died would you never want him to find happiness with another person? If you feel this then you could be thought of as rather creepy and clingy.

pigletpower have you actually read the rest of the thread? I will assume you haven't as it's obvious from the OP's other posts that there's much more going on here than her over-reacting to one comment. That's not what's happening here at all.

This is not about him finding happiness with another person if the OP died. This is about him not treating her well enough, not at all, in reality, not in a hypothetical situation.

YANBU - we grow up with the expectation that our parents will die before us and so we have a lifetime of expecting to cope with it some day. We hope never to have to cope with the death of a child and we have a 50% chance of coping with the death of a partner.
It is things going wrong with the timescale that cause the tragedy.

I'd be devastated if this was said to me.

He sounds like a man who's not grown up and still regards himself as a child who should be looked after. You are fulfilling that role (so he's happy to have you around) but he doesn't recognise that real love means loving someone not for what they do for you but for who they are.

Yanbu, I'd be upset too! I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum firstly, never easy to go through but at that age :(
I lost my Mum to cancer when I was 26. My now DH was BF at the time. I would say I don't know how I got through it without him. I agree, you're prepared to lose your parents (although not when you're younger) but losing a spouse/partner is very different.

Clearly you're very unhappy with your circumstances. Have you/are you/ would you consider counselling? I've struggled with low self-esteem for a long time and counselling has really helped. I would suggest relationship counselling for you and your husband but I don't know how he'd respond to that? DH and I are having Relate at the moment because we had a communication break down. It has not been easy to say the least! to talk through problems, say what we really feel but it has been helpful. I think counselling on your own would help you work out what you really want from life.

Marthamoo123, I've been mulling your situation over a bit after looking at some of your old threads (sorry, couldn't find the one you referred to). You left an unhappy marriage to be with your current husband, and you say you've moved 400 miles in the process. I'm guessing you haven't been married to him for long, around a year?

I'll apologise in advance for the cod psychology (i.e. what do I know? Nowt.) but it does seem to me that you have dug yourself a bit of a hole here. (I consider this inevitable given the circumstances, not something to blame yourself for.) Your mum died and your dad broke down when you were only 11. You must, IMO, have been left quite bereft and unsupported. You married and were unhappy in that marriage, but kept that to yourself; had you done so you might have had the support of friends to help you decide what to do about it, but they couldn't offer support they didn't know you needed. Your exit from your marriage came about through your current DH. I wonder, did he finally seem to offer a supportive relationship? (Not that he actually did, just that he seemed to.)

You've also said upthread that you "can cling to people and want to be their world. I cling to dh emotionally. I'm working on it" and "Yep, I tend to smother. But I work on it, I rein it in." So you are self-aware, you see these traits as faults to be controlled/corrected. I see them as signs of a little girl, still trying to be big and grown-up because she sees the need to be.

I'm sorry, but your second marriage was a mistake. You jumped from the frying pan straight into the fire. Your DH is selfish, and has been brought up to be so (by parents who expect full waitress treatment and your bed - very selfish). He will not change, and this last incident should, I hope, make that very clear to you. I think you have been left in emotional need by your childhood, and when your first husband did not fill that need, you 'made do' with the appearance of it. PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN. This man will not ever make you happy. He is incapable of doing so.

Please consider moving back to where you have family and friends. If you don't feel you can do it for yourself, do it for your son. I am sure you want only the best for him, and you must know your current situation os very very far from the best. And maybe, as has been suggested, some counselling would bring you some peace. But cut your losses with this man. Consider him as having been useful in spurring you to leave your first marriage. But do not tie yourself to him any longer. Ignore the cringy feeling of 'losing face' by leaving him. Yes, I'm sure your first husband will love to rub it in (you must still be in touch with him via your son) but that's not important. Your future is far more important than a few nasty remarks. You need to start working on yourself (as per your clingy and smothering remarks) but NOT with a view to staying in your current relationship; instead with a view of being content in your own skin and able to form a lasting, supportive, equal relationship in the future.

Talking sense there WhereYou, especially

' I see them as signs of a little girl, still trying to be big and grown-up because she sees the need to be. '

I used to be clingy and needy before I met DH, and I'm completely the opposite now, I think mainly because he gives me the security I was craving without pandering to it.

You just want someone to care for you - and that's not too much to expect from a relationship.

I agree. I know someone whose second marriage was basically (IMVHO) a mistake. Result of an affair that got discovered and I suspect she would not have, in the end chosen to be with him. She has 3 children with him and I suspect (don't know) would find it incredibly, incredibly hard to leave him because of the circs. of the genesis of their relationship