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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I normal?

85 replies

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 18:33

Don't ask me how this conversation with dh came about, I cant remember, but it keeps going round and round in my head.

We were talking about the worst thing that could happen to us. Obviously, something terrible happening to ds or dh would devistate me. I don't think I could get over either.

Dh said that his mum or dad dying would be something that would make him feel that way. I asked what about me or ds? (he's not ds bio father, but ds calls him dad, adores him). He said that he could find another wife, have children but that his mum and dad he couldn't replace.

It's stung me. Dh is irriplaceable to me.

My own mum died when I was a child. My dad is still here, but he's almost 80. Of course I'll be sad when he dies, but really, I have my life with my dh and my ds to live. My mum died at 40, her life was cut short, anything into old age for me is a bonus.

Aibu to be upset by what he said? That I'm so repalceable? To be honest its got me me questioning a lot.

OP posts:

BridgetBidet · 29/09/2012 19:14

That is just plain weird and wrong. It would make me think about leaving the bastard if it was me because it says something unpleasant about his personality.

Some people might think that deep down (even that would be weird) but to say to someone 'you are replaceable' is just nasty, hurtful and horrible.

It also makes me think he must have some kind of weird smothery over close relationship with his parents too. I don't think it is normal for an adult to think like that.

Original poster

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 19:16

No, he's not got biological children. Just my ds as a stepson.

He is close to his parents. They are lovely, possibly amoung the nicest people I've met in my life, I've nothing against them.

I feel hurt by his comments. I can't help it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 19:18

This has also set me thinking about having children with him. One of a few things actually. It all adds up to making me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 19:22

I can't comment on the other things as I don't know what they are. But his bond will be different with his own children, I would imagine. I didn't love my step-brother the same way I did my actual brother, iyswim. It was different.

Or do step parents genuinely love their step kids the same, I have never been a step parent so don't know.

McHappyPants2012 · 29/09/2012 19:23

In the same sentiment he could have a step mum or step dad.

People are not replaceable

Scaredbutdoingit · 29/09/2012 19:24

You have to ask yourself whether you really want to hear the truth from him, because honestly, it sounds like thats what he gave you... and he really shouldn't be punished, or have anger directed toward him because of it.

But down to why it hurts... it hurts because he was thinking in terms of what would be hardest on him, on him selfishly, on him alone as a person, because thats basically what you asked him.

Its not about who he loves more, its about who actually does more for him in terms of supporting him and making him feel like he can offload problems. Where are the resources he can turn to when he's down and out and needs to lean on something.

To his mind, thats his parents... and thats a good thing, because it means he wants to lean on his parents and doesn't want to lean on you. Why? Because he wants you to be able to lean on him.

He is your support structure and feels like he has to be strong and there for you.

Please understand that I am not in any way shape or form criticising you, or him, or your relationship... that in actual fact I believe strongly that what he has said is evidence that you have a very good healthy relationship, and that he loves you and wants you to feel like he is your rock and that you can come to him with all your troubles (so he doesn't want to burden you with his).

I'm trying to just say it the way I see it, and hope it sheds some light. You both sound like lovely people.

mumblecrumble · 29/09/2012 19:27

no one is replaceable!!!!

Oh my, OP That is awful! I would be absolutely gutted

mumblecrumble · 29/09/2012 19:28

You need tot alk with him and tell him how you feel

1stbabyat30 · 29/09/2012 19:32

I am sure he didnt mean to upset you. Instead of saying what you wanted to hear he was being overly honest with how he felt (never be upset with an honest man - that is brilliant!) and probably was thinking aloud and didnt consider the way you would take it. To be fair - he is right - you can't replace your mum or dad but people who are widowed can and do go on to have further relationships. I wouldnt be too happy if my other half said it so completely see where you are coming from - but the intention of him was not a bad one. I think it's lovely that he feels he can be so honest and open with you. Try to see the positives :-)

Original poster

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 19:41

Scaredbutdoingit - he's not my support. He's the one I need supporting about. I think that's the real issue.

OP posts:

Scaredbutdoingit · 29/09/2012 19:42

Marthamoo123 - I'm talking about it from his perspective. He feels like he wants to be your support.

Original poster

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 19:46

I Know some of you don't see it as a big deal. I wish I didn't. I moved me and ds 400 miles away from everything we knew to be with him in the place he wanted to be, I do everything for him, I support him in everyway, I love him unconditionally. To then find out I am replaceable is the pits.

I need to think about if I'd rather be on my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 19:48

He won't talk. I've tried. He gets angry. He's only happy when I'm running around waiting on him hand and foot being the 1950s housewife.

OP posts:

Scaredbutdoingit · 29/09/2012 19:52

He didn't answer a question about who he loves more... but it seems like thats the way you're reading it Marthamoo123.

He answered it from a logical, resource point of view. What would cause him more devastation in terms of what would crumble more of his support network.

NOT who does he love more.

What you have is a man who very obviously loves you enough to expose the raw inner workings of his mind... the truth. Don't let your misinterpretation of that pull you away from each other.

I hope my words don't sound too harsh to you (I know that I can sound that way), but they are coming from a place of love. You sound like a person who has been badly hurt in the past and is very sensitive to that kind of hurt again, and is causing you to look for danger where there is none.

discrete · 29/09/2012 19:56

TBH, if dh had ever said anything like this I'd have been horrified.

Ever since the beginning, he has made it clear to everyone that I am the most important thing in his life, and when we had dc, the dc.

The normal order of life is that giving goes down the generations - and with love more than anything else. I remember my grandmother saying that the worst thing that could happen to you was to outlive your children (she did).

By the same token, if there was ever a conflict between his parents and you, would he stand by you or them? Not saying there will be, but the knowledge that he would stand by you is a pretty important part of any relationship imo.

Original poster

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 19:58

But he's told me he loves them more in the past. He said his mum, dad and sister mean the world to him and would always come before me. I didn't realise how much until today.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 20:00

Discrete - he'd stand by his parents, without a doubt. He's even done it with friends.

OP posts:

FiveOrangeFlowers · 29/09/2012 20:01

You are not warped. He could 'find another wife'?

Of course you're hurt. And you're right to feel uncomfortable.

I'm very for you, OP.

discrete · 29/09/2012 20:02

That to me would seriously cast questions on the advisability of having children with him.

Original poster

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 20:04

At least I have still got my sense of humour. 31 and on my second marriage. I'd aim to be Liz Taylor, but I think aiming for Kerry Katona would be easier.

OP posts:

FiveOrangeFlowers · 29/09/2012 20:04

I can't understand people on here making excuses for him.

He's made his priorities very clear.

FiveOrangeFlowers · 29/09/2012 20:07

Yeah well, I was on my second marriage at 24 so perhaps I'm biased.

Not quite Liz Taylor though haven't got the diamonds to show for it

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 20:12

OP after reading this But he's told me he loves them more in the past. He said his mum, dad and sister mean the world to him and would always come before me. I didn't realise how much until today.

Today is the straw that broke the camels back isn't it. I can not believe he has said that.

I take back what i said earlier. I adore my dad and am terrified of losing him. But dh and dcs always come first. Always.

I was thinking of it from my POV but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You say you are clingy, but I think thats to do with him makeing your lives all about him. Moving away from your family to where HE wants etc.

aufaniae · 29/09/2012 20:19

YANBU. It's an awful things to say, and just from the little glimpses of the rest of your relationship with him, it seems he does not respect you nearly as much as he should, nor treat you as well as you deserve. Would you say that was right?

Do you feel he values you?

aufaniae · 29/09/2012 20:20

Hmm, perhaps values isn't quite the right word?

I should have said does he make you feel loved and appreciated?

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