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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I normal?

85 replies

Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 18:33

Don't ask me how this conversation with dh came about, I cant remember, but it keeps going round and round in my head.

We were talking about the worst thing that could happen to us. Obviously, something terrible happening to ds or dh would devistate me. I don't think I could get over either.

Dh said that his mum or dad dying would be something that would make him feel that way. I asked what about me or ds? (he's not ds bio father, but ds calls him dad, adores him). He said that he could find another wife, have children but that his mum and dad he couldn't replace.

It's stung me. Dh is irriplaceable to me.

My own mum died when I was a child. My dad is still here, but he's almost 80. Of course I'll be sad when he dies, but really, I have my life with my dh and my ds to live. My mum died at 40, her life was cut short, anything into old age for me is a bonus.

Aibu to be upset by what he said? That I'm so repalceable? To be honest its got me me questioning a lot.

OP posts:
JustSpiro · 29/09/2012 20:22

He won't talk. I've tried. He gets angry. He's only happy when I'm running around waiting on him hand and foot being the 1950s housewife.

I was about to defend him to some extent, along the lines of he's probably just seeing it in black and white rather than from an emotional perspective, assuming he isn't otherwise a tosser...

...but it seems he is otherwise a tosser. It sounds like he feels you are replaceable because of what you do for him rather than who you are to him iyswim? I would struggle with that too, even though in some ways I feel that losing my parents would be 'worse' than losing DH. In fact it would be just as bad to lose DH, but in a different way.

ReindeersGoldenBollocks · 29/09/2012 20:23

DH and I had this conversation last night after a few glasses of wine.

We were talking about the fact that he hasn't cried about his mums death (which was six months ago). He says he ignores it and blocks it out.

He then followed with that would be exactly what he would do if I died... Basically he wouldn't cry over me either!

However grief is a funny emotion and one that is hard to predict. But you are not unreasonable to be upset by what he has said.

ClaireMarathonFeeder · 29/09/2012 20:32

Op you are not abnormal, I would feel the same as you.
How can someone say you can "replace" a child? Sad
It seems to me that he is very immature, and his feelings are more like those of a child than an adult.

Leaving aside the replaceable wife comment (bad enough) no parent would ever say that you can just have another child if one dies!

He might change when/if he has children of his own though but at the moment he sounds just like a child himself. (which explains why he feels more attached to his family of origin than his new family with you).

kissyfur · 29/09/2012 20:34

YADNBU!! That's a v harsh to thing to have, I'm not surprised you're questioning things.

kissyfur · 29/09/2012 20:35

To have said..

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 20:35

is it possible he feels he can put them first because you, i presume, put you son first?

Is he that immature he sees it as you both put your 'previous family' before each other? does he just not get it?

Or is he just an actual tosser?

FiveOrangeFlowers · 29/09/2012 20:51

What ClaireMarathonFeeder said.

He isn't emotionally mature.

AgentZigzag · 29/09/2012 21:03

'He said his mum, dad and sister mean the world to him and would always come before me.'

Is that how he worded it Martha?

Was it said in anger, very matter of fact, or used to tell you something indirectly, do you think?

Original poster
Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 21:25

His family becoming before memwas put in a matter of fact way.

He's made me dinner tonight. Put the washing away. ironed his work shirts. I think he feels bad.

I know he's immotionally immature. But, I had to look after a house from the age of 8. My mum was sick, my dad was older than her, worried about debts so had to work all hours. As an only child, I had to bloody grow up from then on. I have never had a childhood or been young. I have often thought it's because of that I find other people 'young'. Bit dh lived at home until 26 (he's 28 now) and had never had to deal with the things I had to since childhood.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 21:29

And yes, hes a bit of a tosser.

I had a long thread about him under an old mumsnet name name 'beatlebum' (I think) in relationships a few months ago if anyone can be arsed to search. I am an idiot. But same old story, ds adores him etc. Feel a bit stuck.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 29/09/2012 21:33

Why would you use those words to say something indirectly, Agent? Being direct doesn't seem to hold any fears for him.
That would be a deal breaker for me, Op. Sad. I could never feel the same way about dh again if he felt like that (and had the insensitivity to tell me)

JustSpiro · 29/09/2012 21:37

So he doesn't completely subscribe to the 50's housewife thing then, thank goodness for that.

I think your position is really difficult. You obviously love him and didn't have any doubts a to his feelings for you until you had this conversation.

I can't claim to understand fly your situation, but both my mum and my best friend lost parents a children and it has undoubtedly coloured their perspectives wrt relationships. They both had siblings but as an only child myself I can only begin to imagine how hard and how lonely it must have been for you to go through what you did.

If you are otherwise happy with your DH would out be worth considering counselling, for yourself initially and then jointly? He really needs to understand as fully as possible what you have been through and the effect it has as I do think losing a parent as a young child is something that changes a person irrevocably and if he can't get on board with that you may be better off rethinking your relationship.

Original poster
Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 21:41

He is very direct when it comes to me.

My dad lives 400 miles away and comes to stay one weekend every six weeks. He's old and is hard work. Dh told me he 'dreads' my dad staying. When dhs parents come down once a month, they expect full waitress treatment from me, as well as my bed and my full attention (I do a pretty full on uni course so I've a lot to do). I told him on e in anger (after a horrendous misscarige a few months ago) that I was dreading thier visit as I was in no fit state he threatened to leave me. Called me evil.

Like I said, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 21:48

And please, if you search old threads/other usernames of mine be aware that I change ages of me/ds sometimes. I know that ex h family members/new wife are members so I need to protect myself.

OP posts:
sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 21:54

can't find it, but i will take your word for it that he is a tosser.

I really think you would be happier without him. He called you evil?

He is just a horrible human being, ironing not.

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 21:55

Did find one thread.

Can I ask in the nicest possible way, was he the OM?

Original poster
Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 22:04

He kind of was the OM - I was in a sexless/loveless marriage with ds dad for the entirety of my 20s. I left when I met dh.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 29/09/2012 22:07

Are you any happier now, in general?

Notcontent · 29/09/2012 22:10

As someone else pointed out, it's part of the natural order of things that we will lose our parents at some stage once we are adults. I am extremely close to my parents and can't imagine losing them. But I know if they died now, I would be able to keep going - but I can't imagine living if anything happened to my dd. I also felt like that about my ex-DH.

oooohhhhyes · 29/09/2012 22:15

Hmmm sounds like an immature tosser tbh. My OH told me that in a fire he would save his sister before me as he could replace a gf but not a sister. That was after we'd lived together for four years or more. He told me without any prompting or previous relevant conversation. It may well have been "honest" but I can honestly say that I have been a fool for staying with this "honest" man who clearly has his priorities up the creek. So from personal experience, op, I would say YANBU and good luck.

mynewpassion · 29/09/2012 22:20

Its not something you want to hear from your spouse. I just think he's a mummy's boy. He's spent the last 26 of 28 years living with his parents. He's only spent 2 years with you. He maybe married and raising a child but he's still a mummy's boy. Maybe until he has children of his own, he will understand.

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 22:25

Oh dear, OP. Is that part of the reason you don't want to leave? the stigma of the marriage to the OM failing?

How long have you been married?

AgentZigzag · 29/09/2012 22:28

Putting together this thread with the one with the similar title does make for a very complex relationship, and puts what he said about you in a different context.

Some of the things he spouts are pretty difficult things to overcome, one in particular isn't something I could ever want to work through. So it's not like him saying about his parents in this thread is a one off.

Do you think he'll ever change? Can you live with him if he can't?

I suspect you know the answer to those, but you're mistaking the periods of contentment you have for a full and satisfying relationship with someone you trust.

Original poster
Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 22:29

Been married less than a year. And yes to the stigma.'I kept up a pretence while married to ex h.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marthamoo123 · 29/09/2012 22:31

And yes, there are periods of contentment. But I want happiness.

OP posts:
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