To think this is a heartless bastardish thing to do?

[sillymoomoo]

My 'dp' of 3.5 years, doesn't live with us 'yet' have a ds (not together) but supposed to be a family. Ds is poorly and has woken up crying with a temperature and asked where dp is as he's normally here most nights, he's not here tonight so I said shall we ring him.

He won't answer his phone because he said his mates round having a fucking beer. He text me this so I told him ds was sick and wanted to say hello his response 'well he can't'.

I'm absolutely fuming, he's done things like this before but we've been ok for almost a year now and I thought we were past him being a childish little idiot. These guys are in their 30's not kids, his friend has his own son so why the hell wouldn't he speak to ds.

OP I think he probably does love you but not as much as you love him and clearly not enough to demonstrate a proper commitment to you (for example by moving in and being involved with everything instead of just the good bits).

My fear for you is that he will eventually meet someone that he really likes then leave.

Nasty. Not read all the thread but not to talk to his own son when he's poorly just because his mates are there?!
You can do without that.

Oh well it's over anyway, haven't heard a peep off him today and he'd normally be ringing by now apologising or turning up with his tail between his legs. I'm gutted feel like crap.

different I'm not having a go at you I just can't agree with your opinion or attitude, I pretty much agree with most people on this thread apart from you. I just believe that if you get deeply involved with a child you cannot just dismiss them when you feel like it. According to his own words he is as much my ds dad as if he really was, you can't say that and then do another. It's not as though he's turned around and said he doesn't want to be a step parent, he tells me we're his family, maybe he didn't mean it but he shouldn't have said it in that case. The way we are it's not as though he isn't involved, I've been away for the weekend with friends and left ds with dp without a second thought. He's always been the one saying ds might aswell call him dad and I've been a bit unsure, you can't say that one minute then absolve yourself of responsibility the next.

Why the hell do people do this to others, if I was with someone but didn't love them I'd just end it, I'd never string someone along for x amount of years.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, sillymoomoo.

You are best shot of him.

You and ds deserve better, you are not an assesory he can pick up and and put down as he chooses.

He needs to make the decision on what he wants in life

I understand it hurts like hell. but if you have a history of contacting him over things that really could have waited when he's having a night 'off', then I can understand how he might act like a bit of a twit. It might not be as big a deal as it feels. Just might not!

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad sillymoomoo. Have a glass of wine, a long soak in the bath, do your nails/hair - anything to have a bit of 'me' time, if possible. You had a crap night last night and I hope ds is feeling a lot better. I wouldn't necessarily assume you've been dumped - but I would leave it to him to make the next move. He needs to do a lot of grovelling in my opinion to make up for his shit behaviour and in the meantime I would be considering whether I really wanted to continue in this relationship. Best wishes.

I'm ruining his chances of seeing him tomorrow.

Emotional blackmail.

I think "tomorrow" you should not be available to him.

Oh, he's just dicking with you again to keep you dancing to his tune, OP. THis man is a cock. He will always be a cock. You are wasting your time and investing in a relationship which is going nowhere. Fuck him off, spend a bit of time on your own working out what you want, and then go on to live happily ever after. You can and should, honest.

I bet you all the money I dont have that he will be back, he is making you sweat, 'teaching' you a lesson etc etc, fuck him off and don't allow him back.

Replace immediately.

He will be back. Give him a big suprise by investing in getting rid.

Just read the whole thread OP, sorry for the out of date opinion. Also sorry you're going through such heartbreaking times.

I don't know how you and you DP tend to get on together and what your 'normal' is. To me, the not answering the phone, saying 'What do you want?' etc., completely out of the blue, is freaky. If my DH changed and comes over less loving because he's with friends (it's been known to happen but not to that extent) there would be huge fireworks.

However I do think you haven't been wise. You cannot live in a hinterland of waiting and ambiguity - 'I want this in the future but not yet' and 'We're a family but I can't trust him'. There's not much point 'working towards' something when you're with a person who has deep seated reasons for being the way they are, and isn't really addressing them other than a quick apology. Your situation is not straightforward and your DP, whoever he is to be, needs maturity now. You can't pare everything down and go into a sort of economy-mode relationship in which things can function without trust etc. At least not to this extreme extent, especially when there's a child involved.

I think perhaps you're scared of being alone and you desperately want your son to have a dad - both of which seem very understandable - but these things would be worse inside the relationship, in the long run, if there isn't love.

I hope you find happiness soon, OP.

I'm not going to say I'm sorry that he hasn't done his usual routine, Sillymoomoo because I do agree with others, it's time to call it quits.

However, I am sorry for the inevitable hurt that you and your DS are going to go through - but better now than another couple of years down the line. This man isn't worth your care, honestly - as I think you know, really.

Make a clean break, if he contacts you again tell him too little, too late and refuse to see him again except and unless your DS wants to say goodbye (that would be reasonable for your DS's sake, no one else's).

Stay strong my lovely. He is SO not worth it - focus instead on you and your DS.

We will agree to disagree then. I can see this is causing you hurt, so will bow out as I really don't want to add that.

Good luck, op. With what ever happens. And I mean that genuinely!

Sillymoo ... I think you should look on this as an oppertunity for some much needed self -love .

You have been shown the gift of freedom , it's up to you of you take it .

Just for a minute imagine , that you and your lovely ds are somewhere having fun ....he's smiling and laughing and you feel like the greatest mum in the world just because of the utter joy in your wee boys eyes . Theres no waiting on a phonecall or for some useless bloke to turn up . Its just you and him living life and enjoying it as much as you can . He needs that ...you need that .

Now think how is that going to happen ? Easy ! You only have to change the way you think about yourself ! . You are a great mum . You are a good person , your kind ,attractive , and loving . From your post we can tell your clever and loyal ...all said you are quite a catch . Anyone who comes into your and Ds's lives better be pretty amazing , because that's what you are and you deserve your equal ...not a selfish immature twat like you've been putting up with .

You know what , when you get that self esteem of yours back where it should be , then you will be really really happy in yourself , and then quality people will be drawn to you like moths to a flame ! .

Confidence really is the cure ...so be kind to yourself ...stop wondering if a bloke will call you /turn up and get yourself out doing something for you instead of waiting about . What that is is your choice ...you can do anything ! It could be a great new job , return to education , spending more time with friends who appreciate you , doing more fun things with ds or even something you've always wanted to try but never got around to ?

First thing you should do every morning is stand infront of a mirror and tell your self " I am amazing and I deserve better ". You will feel like a twat at first , but eventually you say it to yourself and believe it . Even better if you say it to the twatbag bf and believe it .

Trust me

Has he been in touch Silly?
Was wondering how you and your DS are?

We're ok thanks, not going to lie I'm really fed up.

He's basically told me it's all my fault, he's had a shit weekend working hasn't stopped and it's all my fault. What happened Friday night is my fault and I owe him a big apology. And said 'this is why I haven't moved in with you and don't do anything because you're a moody bitch'.

I said that it seems he wants to opt in and out when it suits him and asked why he wouldn't just speak to ds or answer the phone. But he just shouted "because I didn't want to" and if he doesn't answer the phone it's because he doesn't want to speak.

But what's worse isn't the fact that he just doesn't answer the phone, it's the way he spoke to me over text. If he'd just text something like 'x is here and I'm really done in, hope ds is ok see you tomorrow' I could have accepted that but it's the horrible texts.

He didn't even ask if ds was feeling better.

Talked to my mum about it all last night wasn't really a lot she could say.

I know you probably all think I'm an idiot but with him it just feels like it's so close but yet so far.

We can be great for months, day to day we get on quite well and are happy but then, and this is how I see it, something triggers in him and he goes off in an enormous mood.

Sometimes I think it's almost as though he wants me to be perfect, like a carbon copy of his mother quietly cooking the meals and never complaining. I think he thinks his needs outweigh mine like he wants naps in the day and lie ins. He says I don't need as much sleep, I do but I have to bloody get on with it.

Sometimes I think it's almost as though he wants me to be perfect, like a carbon copy of his mother quietly cooking the meals and never complaining

And the poor woman was probably screaming with misery on the inside! Is that what you want for you? This man thinks that you should be grateful for the little bit of effort he puts in to you and your son. Do you not deserve more than that? If you don't then I'm damn sure your son does, you've already said that his bio dad is a waste of space, why would you force another one on him.

I'm sorry, I know that probably sounds really harsh and I know all you want is a happy family for you and your DS but you won't get it with man.

'this man' not man in general

This ideal he has in his head means you will never be good enough. Nothing you do or say will ever satisfy it. You may well rub along perfectly happy for months but then one too many things you do or say will go against his list and you must be punished for it.
The worst thing is he now seems to have one in his head for your son. Are you going to allow him to be treated like that so you can have your partners affections?

He is broken, not you. He cannot be complete without making those around him jump through hoops to gain his affections and to feel good about himself. It means they will never live up to what he thinks they should be and thats his problem not yours, all you can do is damage limitation and get away from him.

He may not hit you, he may not cheat, he may not do a lot of things but what he is doing is damaging you and now he is trying to damage your son. Stop him.

Ahh come on, sillymoomoo - he's blaming you for it all? What a cock!

seriously, you're nowhere "near" with this bloke. He's going to keep stringing you along the entire time and then dump you when someone better (as in nearer his doormat ideal) comes along. Just get it out the way now and dump him. Please.

There is no better time to tell this manchild to take a hike than now...think of it this way... He's peed off with you, he's making you feel small, he doesn't care how your son feels, he's blaming you for everything...crikey - your whole life might be like this if you stay with him.

Tell him it's over, and give his self serving attitude the slap in the face that it needs. Prove to him you are a strong independent woman, who is settling for no less in life than what she deserves...and believe me, you deserve better than him.

"I know you probably all think I'm an idiot but with him it just feels like it's so close but yet so far."
What feels so close? Seriously, what?

"Sometimes I think it's almost as though he wants me to be perfect, like a carbon copy of his mother quietly cooking the meals and never complaining. I think he thinks his needs outweigh mine like he wants naps in the day and lie ins. He says I don't need as much sleep, I do but I have to bloody get on with it."
Correct. Again. He grew up with a female household skivvy, and now that he no longer lives with her there is a vacancy to fill. He does not see you as a partner, he sees you as a household appliance.

Several times in this thread you have put your finger on what he is REALLY like. And yet you continue to inflict him on yourself and on your son. You know what to do. Get rid, he is screwing with your head and he is seriously screwing with your son's head. If you had no children, fair enough, every adult is entitled to go to Hell in the handcart of their own choosing - but your son isn't getting to make a choice here AND THAT IS YOUR FAULT. By all means be shit to yourself, but not to him.