To think this is a heartless bastardish thing to do?

[sillymoomoo]

My 'dp' of 3.5 years, doesn't live with us 'yet' have a ds (not together) but supposed to be a family. Ds is poorly and has woken up crying with a temperature and asked where dp is as he's normally here most nights, he's not here tonight so I said shall we ring him.

He won't answer his phone because he said his mates round having a fucking beer. He text me this so I told him ds was sick and wanted to say hello his response 'well he can't'.

I'm absolutely fuming, he's done things like this before but we've been ok for almost a year now and I thought we were past him being a childish little idiot. These guys are in their 30's not kids, his friend has his own son so why the hell wouldn't he speak to ds.

[perfectstorm]

Sorry, but how is this creep good enough to be your son's father? Does your child really deserve nothing better? Is your view of your son that low?

Please get shot. Seriously, you already know you need to. Trust that.

[DawnOfTheDee]

sillymoo this guy has just proved again how pathetic he is and more worryingly, how controlling. "If you don't do x I wouldn't do y" has alarm bells ringing in my head. Thank god you don't already live with him.

No-one thinks you're an idiot but we do want you and your ds to be healthy, safe and happy. This is not possible while this complete knobber is on the scene.

Luckily it will be quite easy to get rid of him. He thinks it's acceptable not to answer the phone 'because he doesn't want to'. Well, good, now you don't want to talk to him (in your heart you really really don't OP) so just stop answering his calls and texts. He will soon go away.

[NeDeLaMer]

Sillymoo - you know what needs to be done, now all you need to do is find the strength to go through with it, for your sons sake if not your own.

[sillymoomoo]

I honestly do want to end it for good because when things like this happen I'm so unhappy, I know he isn't respecting me and isn't really committed. And of course I want stability and a happy family with ds whether that be with a partner or just me and ds. There's no way after this I'd be getting involved with anyone new for a very long time.

It's the whole thing with ds though and me blamimg myself for a lot of it that's kept me trying so long. Dp has always made out, if I'd just do this or I'd just do that he'd be happy and we'd get married move in and have the whole fairytale life. But I just can't live up to his expectations. I also feel as though I've let this guy deeply into ds life and need to make it work or else how's he going to feel about it all whdn he's older.

It's crept up on me, when I first started going out with him we got on really well, he'd just come over when ds was in bed or when I had a babysitter. After a few months he'd be talking like I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and how he thought we should move in together, he'd say things like "if I proposed what would you say", and I'd joke and say you'd have to ask me first. I don't think I was ever pushy I went into it not expecting anything, it was him that talked about a future together. So I got it into my head that we had one, I got an idea in my mind that he'd probably end up moving into mine after about a year as he lived with his mum and dad still. So I let him start meeting ds(he knew us a bit before but on a friendship level) , and he took us all on a little holiday. He was brilliant with ds got stuck in helping me it was just like he'd always been there. It all started to go wrong after about a year when I started to actually want more. He let me think he was gong to move in then one day told me he was looking into buying his own place. I was really pee'd off but he made out I was being controlling and it was too soon to move in, he'd say the house he was buying was for us anyway, for us all to move into eventually or to rent out. I thought well I guess a year isn't that long so I let it be, but then other cracks started to show silly little things like him excluding me from things like family meals, yet when it suited him he forced me to go to other things like work nights out. It felt like he wanted me there as an accessory sometimes to show off but not when he didn't. Then we argued and x, y z happened so there was no way we were gong to move in together as we wern't getting on.

About a year ago I posted on here about him really upset, and people said similiar things to now. I showed him the thread and I don't think he could quite believe it, that people actually thought his behaviour was wrong. He seemed to change after that. I remember one night him sitting there say he didn't know why he was such a twat because I'm way too good for him and I'm lovely and he knows I'm all his and he takes that for granted. And this year has been a better year. He's done loads of things, got rid of his sports car for a family car, helped me decorate all the house. But he still slips into that old 'f you' attitude and believe me all of the above isn't the half of it, he has done some really nasty things to me far worse than not answering the phone.

My mum reckons it's a waste of time too, she think he's just a childish, selfish slob. She also thinks he's got anxiety problems and that's why he does stuff like not answering the phone because he puts on and act in front of people. I don't think he's got anxiety issues but he is incredibly shy and has some immature opinions for a man in his 30's, like thinking his mate will think he's under the thumb.

If anybody can be bothered to read that phew it got a lot off my chest. I do wish I'd never met him.

[OhChristFENTON]

Perhaps you can find a sense of relief that it's over in that now, you won't be waiting until the next time he gets in one of these 'moods' - you won't be wondering how long the good phase will last until the selfish disrespectful git reappears.

And you won't need to feel let down and disappointed anymore.

Onward and upward for you and DS now.

[sillymoomoo]

I know I have been treading on eggshells for a long time.

I am still on edge as I know this won't be the last I hear and he has a load of stuff here. He told me yesterday to chuck it all in the bin but think he'd go mad if I actually did. But he won't collect it. My mum told me to bag it all up and stick it in the shed for now.

[Thumbwitch]

Glad you've vented that lot, sillymoomoo!

Now, read it back as though someone else had written it and then think about it objectively - he's never going to commit, he loves the set up he has at the moment, and he knows if he makes you jump through hoops to make him happy, he's got you where he wants you. This whole "if only you were more/less whatever.." just demonstrates one thing - he doesn't love you enough. You deserve far more and so does your DS. If he loved you properly, you wouldn't be made to jump through any hoops. Even if he decided now that he did want to move in together, you'd spend your entire time on eggshells, trying harder and harder to achieve his "targets" - and frankly, you shouldn't have to.

Your DS will ultimately be far better off without him - he doesn't need to see his mum being put down, or made to keep trying to do the impossible; worse, said man might start doing it to your DS too! You don't want to see that happen either.

He's not worth it - you are worthy of being loved for who you are, and it isn't by him. Get rid, while you're in control of it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"It's the whole thing with ds though and me blaming myself for a lot of it that's kept me trying so long. Dp has always made out, if I'd just do this or I'd just do that he'd be happy and we'd get married move in and have the whole fairytale life. But I just can't live up to his expectations. I also feel as though I've let this guy deeply into ds life and need to make it work or else how's he going to feel about it all whdn he's older."
The blaming yourself is all to do with his being so manipulative. But you do need to stop thinking you need to continue this relationship for DS's sake. It is far more damaging to your DS to continue exposing him to this horrendous influence.

"I am still on edge as I know this won't be the last I hear and he has a load of stuff here. He told me yesterday to chuck it all in the bin but think he'd go mad if I actually did. But he won't collect it. My mum told me to bag it all up and stick it in the shed for now."
Bag it up. Tell him you will leave it on your doorstep at a particular time, either he can come and get it or it will remain there for thieves/the binmen. Probably best to be out so that you don't have to resist the temptation to forgive him (panic could still override common sense). Or have your mother there with you and she can field the front door. And if he has a key to your house, get it back.

[PedanticPanda]

I also feel as though I've let this guy deeply into ds life and need to make it work or else how's he going to feel about it all when he's older.

Your DS will grow up with a mother with high self esteem and will regard you very highly, he'll realise that you don't have to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and will have a much better attitude to relationships and how you should treat others if you left this man than what he'd learn is acceptable if you stayed.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Sillymoomoo, you do know if he ever did move in he'd probably get even more moody and bad tempered. Once he'd got what he wanted and felt that he'd trapped you he'd treat you even worse if he wanted to as he would think you'd be less likely to finish things.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life on eggshells?

[CaptainVonTrapp]

The less your DS sees of him the better. He doesn't sound like much of a role model. Wouldn't want your DS to grow up thinking you are a doormat and that he can treat you like one.

I realise this man is not all bad and there are things you like about him but honestly don't live like this.

[DontmindifIdo]

"Hello Sillymoo's DP, welcome to dumpsville. Population, you."

[sillymoomoo]

Well it gets better. He was at my house last night, didn't come in just sat outside for a bit watching me.

I know this because he text to ask why ds went to bed so late and why I was wasting electricity with all the lights on. Apparently he wanted to see if I was ok as he'd not heard and I had got myself so upset and in a state art the weekend. I didn't know he was out there.

He told me that 'the rule of thumb' is if he doesn't answer the phone first time it's because he isn't there or doesn't want to speak. I need to think about my actions (telling him to fuck off) and how hurtful I can be. I need to learn that acting like a child gets me nowhere, and to go away and think about how I treat him and how I can improve and he will think to. And if I don't like it find someone better like, then bought up the names of men I've been associated with in the past.

I am dumbfounded, I must have let him get away with so much for so long that this is what it's come to

[expatinscotland]

This man doesn't want to co-parent with you. Do your son a favour and get him out of your lives.

And stop dating for a while and focus on yourself.

[CaptainVonTrapp]

He sat outside your house watching you, then rang and gave you a lecture on how to improve yourself so that you will be more deserving of him...



What unusual behaviour...

Ha ha at dumpsville!!

[LineRunner]

Hi, OP. I know how much losing a relationship hurts. But think of waving goodbye to this man as gaining a future, for you and for your son.

Like expat says, focus on yourself.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Why did he bring up names of men you've been involved in before? In what context?

[sillymoomoo]

Yes, I know what has to be done. I'm considering changing my number purely so he can't contact me or so I'm not tempted to contact him.

Well he basically told me off, what I needed to do, then said and if I don't like it find someone better like x or y, one who I dated before him and one who I met through a friend when he dumped me once ages ago but nothing ever came of it because of him.

[StuntGirl]

Good lord OP. I know you're upset at how things have turned out but just consider this a bullet you have dodged. Christ, what a dick!

[LemonBreeland]

OMG get rid completely ASAP. He is not right in the head.

[LineRunner]

Sillymoomoo I do feel for you, really. This must be so crap. But thank the lord you are, indeed, dodging that bullet.

[sillymoomoo]

He really has never done or said things like that to that extent before. I think this is the level it's come to because I've always allowed things.

[Thumbwitch]

Time to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he gets there, fuck off some more, I feel!!

How DARE he tell you how you have to "improve" to keep him! The CHEEK! Bin him, g'wan. You have to.

[ShellyBoobs]

Christ on a bicycle! He sounds like a catch.

I was in 2 minds about the original question, but given the rest of the story? Only one answer: run like the fucking wind!

[deleted203]

sillymoomoo this guy is a nutter. What sort of creep sits outside your house spying on you (after you've told him to fuck off) and then texts you asking why you are wasting electricity - and checking on what time your DS goes to bed? That is seriously creepy! .

I would be tempted to send him a text saying on the contrary - acting this way has got me out of a very controlling relationship with you, a fact I am very thankful for. I find your current behaviour very disturbing. Please do not contact me again.

Please don't take him back - he is a manipulative weirdo. And this is stalking.