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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People gossiping about my birth choices

84 replies

mysonsasaint · 28/09/2012 20:00

I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, and very willing to hear a good explanation as to why, because right now I just feel hurt and upset :(

I have been having a few consultant appts with regards to the upcoming birth of my DC.

I had a horrible experience in my first pregnancy. It's not something I've wept and wailed about, or been very public about - but I have been honest in that I've been transparent with friends who have similar aged DC about the fact that I found it extremely traumatic and was terrified of giving birth as a result of it.

Anyway, I recently agreed an ELCS with the hospital, and it's been an absolute weight off my mind.

As I've said, I've not gone on and on about any of it, but friends with children who I see regularly basically know that I was in the process of settling on how this DC would be born.

At the weekend I saw my friend and her husband and her husband said to me "oh hi, mysonsasaint! I hear you're going for an ELCS this time round. Wow! How do you feel about that then?"

This is hot on the heels of another friend's mother (who I barely know) accosting me in Tesco and saying "so why have you elected to have a c-section then?"

Now, I'm not naive. I know people talk to their husbands/mothers about all sorts of stuff. I'm not objecting to them having discussed it privately. I just feel really upset that I have never spoken to this husband and mother about my birthing 'choices' and yet they feel it's perfectly ok for them to raise them with me in this way.

Ok, I'm ready for it, thanks.

OP posts:

nannyl · 28/09/2012 23:17

i had similar reactions to the fact i had chosen a home birth....

so we were / are on opposite end of choices spectrum, but the world and his wife felt they had a right to tell me how brave / selfish i was and how dangerous my decision was.

In the end i was blunt; i pointed out that both me and my baby were far more likely to be alive as a result of my choice, and i felt no need to give birth in an institution.
(OP im NOT dissing your choice to birth your baby however you choose)... what i mean is i just answered them back with those responses, and it did mostly shut them up )

flyingspaghettimonster · 28/09/2012 23:42

elective c-section is wonderful after a traumatic birth. I did it with my second and third child as I had a 4th degree tear from number 1. They warned me if I didn't do it I might have seepage issues if I tore in the same place again - apparently the scar tissue doesn't heal a second time and I might have a fissure from anus to vagina. Nice! It was a great decision for me as I was terrified of all the pain etc from my no drugs first birth. Having it all scheduled took the pressure off.

Bollocks to everyone else - do what is right or you.

My second and third babies were far faster to understand breast feeding and calmer babies - my daughter was traumatised by birth too, swallowed meconium and couldn't latch on properly for 5 weeks.

As to the gossips - just be calm and don't get into it. They mean no harm really.

bobbledunk · 29/09/2012 01:27

It's best to keep information you don't want gossiped about private because some people are obnoxious idiots who have nothing better to do then poke their nose into other peoples business.

Obviously you can't change what you've already made public knowledge so you'll have to deal with it. Don't justify your decision to them, it's none of their business, don't allow it as a topic of conversation if you're not comfortable with it, tell them to mind their own business and tell them to fuck off if they're being judgy or start lecturing you.

Gingerodgers · 29/09/2012 04:33

Ha, I decided to keep everything as private as possible, after mil told me about her neighbours daughters birth in great detail, including how many stitches she needed ( a lot) . I couldn't look at the poor girl without thinking that my mil had said, "she ripped front to back, all the way." Some things should just be private. Enjoy your elcs, at least you know you won't be ripping front to back!

KitCat26 · 29/09/2012 08:24

YA definitely NBU.

I got this a lot with DD2 after a not great first time round. In the end I was pretty blunt, anyone who asked:
'If I have a vaginal birth there is a good chance that I will end up doubly incontinent. Which would really suck at 28.' That shut them up.
(ginger is your Mil my mums neighbour!?)

Enjoy your ELCS, mine was a truly surreal but wonderful experience. (and the recovery was much better/easier.)

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 29/09/2012 08:31

It's a strange thing when you are pregnant there seems to be an unwritten rule (personally never seen this rules book) that allows others to -tell younwhAt you should do-- give advice freely

It carries on to when you have your baby, they become toddlers and so on

it all becomes very personal you do just have to ignore it

Fairylea · 29/09/2012 08:33

I had an elective section. And yep I did get a lot of judgey comments.

4 months later no-one cares.

Just ride it out and smile and nod.

QuietNinjaTardis · 29/09/2012 08:38

"I don't care what you think"

That's almost better than did you mean to be so rude!
I talk to my husband about things my friends have said. If he ever breathed a word to those friends I'd be pissed off. If I talk to a friend and ask them not to tell anyone including their dh then I expect them to keep schtum. If I don't say that then if they talk to their dh that's fine. I would however be pissed off if their dh then spoke to me about it. It's about the dh/dm recognising that even though they have heard about your choice, the fact is you haven't spoken to them direct.y therefore it is not their place to chat (or judge) about it to you. If you wanted their advice then you'd have gone to them directly. So yanbu.

lotsofcheese · 29/09/2012 09:16

I don't know what it is about pregnancy & birth that makes it public property. From people touching your bump to birth judgement.

OP, if you really don't want people to know, it's best not to discuss it with anyone apart from DH/P. It sounds like the cat's out the bag already though....

You also do sound a little over-sensitive about the issue. I think people are mostly curious rather than having an agenda.

I wonder why you care what others think?

FWIW, I'll be having an ELCS (I hope, provided I don't have another sodding m/c or get PE again, in which case it'll be an emergency CS) I really don't give a shit about how I give birth & will be bloody grateful for a healthy baby - I'll not be wasting energy on other people's opinions.

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