People gossiping about my birth choices

[mysonsasaint]

I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, and very willing to hear a good explanation as to why, because right now I just feel hurt and upset :(

I have been having a few consultant appts with regards to the upcoming birth of my DC.

I had a horrible experience in my first pregnancy. It's not something I've wept and wailed about, or been very public about - but I have been honest in that I've been transparent with friends who have similar aged DC about the fact that I found it extremely traumatic and was terrified of giving birth as a result of it.

Anyway, I recently agreed an ELCS with the hospital, and it's been an absolute weight off my mind.

As I've said, I've not gone on and on about any of it, but friends with children who I see regularly basically know that I was in the process of settling on how this DC would be born.

At the weekend I saw my friend and her husband and her husband said to me "oh hi, mysonsasaint! I hear you're going for an ELCS this time round. Wow! How do you feel about that then?"

This is hot on the heels of another friend's mother (who I barely know) accosting me in Tesco and saying "so why have you elected to have a c-section then?"

Now, I'm not naive. I know people talk to their husbands/mothers about all sorts of stuff. I'm not objecting to them having discussed it privately. I just feel really upset that I have never spoken to this husband and mother about my birthing 'choices' and yet they feel it's perfectly ok for them to raise them with me in this way.

Ok, I'm ready for it, thanks.

Narked yes. That's basically what I was trying to say.

You wanna hear what people say to you when you are having a homebirth

Like I give a toss what they think. Yet still they insist on giving me their views.

I found 'I dont care what you think' worked in the end.

The ranting frustration that other people have mentioned their own experiences of people commenting on their birth choices on here - which I did (stupid me!) - when you don't think that is at all relevant.

I still don't follow emsyj. I said:

"Thanks all - I really wasn't hoping to have another discussion on the ins and outs of ELCS."

and you said:

"The ranting frustration that other people have mentioned their own experiences of people commenting on their birth choices on here - which I did (stupid me!) - when you don't think that is at all relevant."

???

i totally see why your upset - i have also been going through similar process - elc or not - its not an easy route or choice either, by the by anyone who thinks a woman would let her self be sliced open is an easy route needs to watch some c sections on tv!!!!

however - since researching elcs etc...i have sadly come to realise we are wildy backward and out dated here in the uk - elsewhere i dont know but for goodness sake - its our bodies - you may get away with trying to persaude a first timer to have labor but not a second timer who has issues....

with the right support we should all have the choice.

i think its this back ground and mentallity that has made your choice stand out - i would use this to proudly hold your head up and say - yes - i am having an elc - its my body, thank goodness my consutlant respects that.

i am not ashamed of my choice at all - i dont care if anyone judges me either - as they are not me with my circs!

i try and tell people i am having one and even people who have been intially reticent about it have now admitted they wished they had the choice or known they could ask ....

say it loud and proud and help other women do the same.

I think the issue is a red herring. What upsets the OP (rightly so) is the crassness/lack of sensitivity of the casual acquaintances about her personal choices. I would NEVER pass comment on someones personal life to their face and neither would most people I know. Sadly some people are either cruel or not very bright and ignore the basic rules of social interaction. My MIL is one actually, seeing her interrogate the single women in their late thirties at her sons wedding was painful to watch. On and on she went oblivious or ignoring their obvious discomfort at her questions of why they were single, werent they worried they wouldnt be ever have children etc etc. Oh it was awful!

sookiesookie Fri 28-Sep-12 20:36:54
As an aside. I don't like the term 'elective' as most are not. Most are 'planned medical sections'.

IMO elective should only be used when it is (if ever) elected for with no medical reason.

Not judging those who do elect for one with medical reason, i just think the description should be different.

The Select Committee made a recommendation to eliminate inconsistancies and record reasons for CS a long time ago. But as it stands nothing has changed.

A doctor can strongly advise a woman to have a CS for a physical reason, but it can still be recorded as a Maternal Request - another woman in an exact same situation can have it recorded as medically advised. In both cases the woman is ultimately left to make the final decision.

A woman can ask to have a ELCS for mental health reasons, with a full backing of a consultant and psychiatrist. Again it can be recorded as a medically needed CS or as a Maternal Request.

This is meaning that no studies behind why women have ELCS are be done properly, as the data recording is so fundamentally flawed. Its an appalling situation that is not to the benefit of any women whatsoever.

TBH, the terms 'natural birth', maternal request, ELCS, failure to progress, etc amongst a great deal of others need a major overhaul as the terminology is so littered with judgement and ideology that does damage the way women feel about their birth experiences and how others view them.

Maybe your friends care about you and take an interest? Are they really cold heartedly gossiping in the nasty sense or are they friends chatting excitedly about your upcoming birth? I think you are probably being over sensitive about having an ELC.

But I AM too posh to push. At least, I have no interest in pushing whatsoever. Sounds painful and hard and dangerous.

It so happens that I also have a medical condition which means that the chance of having a succesful vaginal birth are incredibly low. So there was never any serious consideration of me trying it, and I was extremely pleased about that.

So, I feel totally justified in saying that I was too posh to push, as it's true. I want people to be able to chose how they give birth, regardless of medical need and not be judged for it. And I think by being totally open about my lack of desire to give birth naturally, I do more for that ideal than I would if I justified myself by explaining in detail the medical issues I had to prove to people I was "worthy" of a c-section.

I totally get why you found it intrusive and didnt want a discussion about birth choices, but more about people being insensitive. I am 33 weeks pg and went to a wedding with DH at the weekend.

One of DH's friends wives (who I had never met before and who had obv been enjoying the champagne), said loudly in front of about 6 other people I had never met before "oh you are the one who had lots of ivf for years before getting pregnant arent you, how many goes was it, I couldnt do that" and then went on to ask which clinic we went to for DD (standing next to me) whether this one was ivf and through the same clinic and "did you have normal ivf or the more weird ivf" (whatever the fuck that is).

I was very pleased to use a variation on the classic mumsnet and said "sorry, did you mean to be so personal?" I then told her how much I liked her shoes (divert, divert).

Cue DH being mortified. Obviously you expect partners to tell their wives things, but that was so flipping tactless it was unbelievable.

I'm referring to:

"Fuck if I could change the title of this thread I would as I completely see now how it's just invited a load of 'birth choice' debate."

and: "And please, please, please don't ever tell me that I think I'm a failure, when I do not.

Bloody hell."

I think you sound a lot angrier in your posts than perhaps you realise? Anyway, my apologies for mentioning my own experience of people poking their nose into my birth choices when this is clearly irrelevant.

Tbh HMM i don't really get your post, sorry.

Are you referring to my subsequent post where i say that you can have an elective section on the nhs, without medical grounds?

Because it has changed. the decision is now down to the mother and I know 2 women who wanted a section for the reasons Clytaemnestra gave in her first paragraph.

One has had it, another will be having it a week before christmas.

Emsyj - the fuck if I could change the title was directed at me??? not directed at anyone else??? As in 'fuck, i cocked up there with that one'. Sorry if you interpreted that as an attack on you.

And I think my response to nagoo telling me that deep down I probably feel I've failed in some way was entirely justified. So I won't apologise for that.

Oh, and I swear, btw, quite a lot. Apologise if that offends you but it's not me being angry?

YANBU - I think it's very odd that your decision is getting discussed.

Friend A had an ELCS for her second child, I know why because she's discussed it with me (I wouldn't have asked her if she hadn't said), A has also discussed it when B has been present so I know B also knows. I wouldn't discuss it with B when A wasn't present as it's personal to A. I definitely wouldn't discuss it with DP or my mum (who both know A vaguely from birthday parties and social events) as it would just be weird to bring it up with them, I can't imagine how that kind of conversation would start. 'Hey, guess what happened to A's fanjo the first time she gave birth...' You just wouldn't, would you?

I like the "Wow, what a personal question!" response.

People are so nonplussed when it comes to asking how the baby is going to exit your body. When my husband rang his brother and SIL to announce the pregnancy, the FIRST THING SIL said was "So is hiviolet going to have a natural birth or a c-section?"

A) WTF?
B) I'm only 12 weeks pregnant

Bloody hell OP, and breathe. If you get this upset over people's idiocy and insensitivity you'll spend half your life upset. Smile, ignore them and move on.

sookiesookie Fri 28-Sep-12 21:43:33
Tbh HMM i don't really get your post, sorry.
Are you referring to my subsequent post where i say that you can have an elective section on the nhs, without medical grounds?

My point is that what counts as 'medical grounds' is quite frankly so open to interpretation and manipulation due to the way it is not defined or standardised despite the fact that the government have said this needs to be addressed. At present its pretty much a subjective thing and not consistant between doctor to doctor.

I have had 4 DC's. I am in AWE of anyone who manages to look after a newborn baby, and quite possibly older DC's after major abdominal surgery.

The thought of having to do that, frankly, scares the SHIT out of me.

So IMO, anyone who gives birth by ELCS must have their own, very good reasons for doing so. And it's not my place to judge or question that.

Because, I'm sorry, but no matter how many headlines scream "too posh to push", nobody would CHOOSE to have major abdominal surgery and then look after a newborn baby without very good reasons.

So ignore the judgers, and know that I for one am constantly astounded by every woman that manages to care for a tiny baby after a C-section, because that to me takes immeasurable strength of character.

If anyone else but a new mother had just had major abdominal surgery, they would be lying in a hospital bed recovering, not changing pooey nappies and dealing with sleepless nights and feeding a baby, possibly even trying to establish BF.

Good luck on the upcoming birth of your baby, and give it a squishy hug from me!

Forgot to add that I suffered a third degree tear giving birth to my daughter and am very much leaning towards an ELCS for a future pregnancy, so YANBU on that front.

If people decide to question me like they have you I'll make sure to justify my decision in graphic detail

hiviolet You might find that a consultant will encourage you to have an elcs. Mine did and I hadn't even planned to have one. She said that it would likely tear again in the same place and that I could end up with incontinence (back passage sort.) She may or may not have been right, but I wasn;t prepared to take the risk of having to change my nappy as well as the baby's so elcs it was for me!

PS. Maybe have some fanjo pictures ready that you can offer to get out and show anyone who quizzes you on this.

Indeed Quangle! I think my pelvic floor has suffered enough and I don't want to run the risk of ANY sort of incontinence.

Couthy your post could have been mine except:

I have only had 2 DC's but I am in AWE of anyone who manages to look after a newborn baby, and quite possibly older DC's after having their fanjo stitched back together and possibly experiencing discomfort everytime the have a wee.

The thought of having to do that, frankly, scares the SHIT out of me So IMO, anyone who gives birth vaginally must have their own, very good reasons for doing so. And it's not my place to judge or question that.

My ELCSs were by choice (no medical reason) and I can hnestly say I have never been asked "why" type questions or felt judged.

Ooh, mysonsasaint, you could practise a few breezy replies like -

Yes I am. But never mind about that, how's your fanjo boil/leaky roof/cowboy lover?

Sorry, I never discuss medical stuff in public/in front of the children/before 11 pm.

My consultant told me it was for the best. And repeat.

Etc.