People gossiping about my birth choices

[mysonsasaint]

I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, and very willing to hear a good explanation as to why, because right now I just feel hurt and upset :(

I have been having a few consultant appts with regards to the upcoming birth of my DC.

I had a horrible experience in my first pregnancy. It's not something I've wept and wailed about, or been very public about - but I have been honest in that I've been transparent with friends who have similar aged DC about the fact that I found it extremely traumatic and was terrified of giving birth as a result of it.

Anyway, I recently agreed an ELCS with the hospital, and it's been an absolute weight off my mind.

As I've said, I've not gone on and on about any of it, but friends with children who I see regularly basically know that I was in the process of settling on how this DC would be born.

At the weekend I saw my friend and her husband and her husband said to me "oh hi, mysonsasaint! I hear you're going for an ELCS this time round. Wow! How do you feel about that then?"

This is hot on the heels of another friend's mother (who I barely know) accosting me in Tesco and saying "so why have you elected to have a c-section then?"

Now, I'm not naive. I know people talk to their husbands/mothers about all sorts of stuff. I'm not objecting to them having discussed it privately. I just feel really upset that I have never spoken to this husband and mother about my birthing 'choices' and yet they feel it's perfectly ok for them to raise them with me in this way.

Ok, I'm ready for it, thanks.

It's both

I wouldn't expect my friend to talk to her mother about MY decisions or problems. That's definitely gossip.

Nor would I expect that mother to ask me about it.

In that case YANBU.

SIL is having an elcs. I can't imagine dh going and asking her why she isn't going to attempt to push the baby out of her fanjo.

To me thats what those questions equate to. I am sure thats not classed as polite conversation.

I would say "I didn't just elect to have it; the consultant elected to give it to me."

Then waltz off in a flurry of headtossing.

Oh please please please go with the ragged fanjo line then come back and tell us the response!

So are we talking about whether it is unreasonable to talk about things your DP has told you?

Should you assume that whatever you tell me, I am going to tell DH?

I think unless you make it abundantly clear that it is a secret, then you should expect the DH to know about it.

Our friend came over to discuss his marriage split with DH. Therefore I know about it. If I saw him I would probably ask him how he was, and expect him to understand that I knew.

I don't think that is gossip. I see gossip as being a malicious thing.

Sad that these people have been unpleasant. I am sure that most people you know, if they gave it any thought at all, would be hoping for you that you get the birth you want, and probably slightly worried that your concerns wouldn't be addressed by your consultant, and if they are discussing it at all, would be to be hoping for the best for you.

As an aside. I don't like the term 'elective' as most are not. Most are 'planned medical sections'.

IMO elective should only be used when it is (if ever) elected for with no medical reason.

Not judging those who do elect for one with medical reason, i just think the description should be different.

without medical reason

Nagoo - no! It's the having a private, between women who are friends conversation and then somebody not having the social tact to realise that as they weren;'t involved in that private conversation perhaps they shouldn't start bringing it up.

OP: "Now, I'm not naive. I know people talk to their husbands/mothers about all sorts of stuff. I'm not objecting to them having discussed it privately."

Nagoo: "So are we talking about whether it is unreasonable to talk about things your DP has told you?"

Seriously Nagoo, can you please come back once the anaesthetic has worn off and you can read the op properly?

"elective" in this context simply means 'decided upon before the onset of labour'; it's nothing whatsoever to do with personal choice (as you don't really get that on NHS anyhow).

OP: my response would be "there are serious medical reasons, which is why my consultant thinks this best".

I've had 3 electives. The judging has been manifold. I guess the 3rd isn't technically elective... Anyway, I went for just refusing to defend my choice. I claimed I was too posh to push, didn't like to sweat, wanted to pick the day, fancied lying around for a couple of weeks afterwards. When I said those things, people seemed shocked into silence and I went on my merry way.

To answer the OP (rather than just talking about myself.... ) you might be a little bit unreasonable. I don't think they've said anything particularly invasive, but I wasn't embarrassed so it didn't feel like it needed to be private. If you feel like they've overstepped, you can disengage from the conversation with vagueness I suppose. It doesn't seem like a rude thing to talk about to me. I certainly wouldn't class it as 'gossip'.

YANBU to feel delicate about it, but it is possible that they were being curious rather than judgy. I love talking to other mums about their pregnancies and births and I'm sure at least some of the time my enthusiastic curiosity must be misinterpreted in some way. Even the "gossip" may not be malicious.

It's also equally possible that I am far too optimistic, in which case a venomous glare should put them right in their places.

My DH would be HORRIFIED if I talked about another persons birth plans with him.

I'd say, 'That's funny, I don't remember discussing it with you.'

Or, if you can guess the name of the mutual friend who has been gossiping, laugh and say, 'X is always saying how you have no tact!'

YANBU to not expect to be challenged about your choices. I would suggest replying "Because I would prefer my baby to come out of my abdomen than my vagina. Any other information you need?" and see what they say.

I have to say that you are being a bit rude to Nagoo who really didn't say anything to warrant getting grief - I think it does make you look slightly sensitive about the issue. People are more likely to bang on about something if they think they are hitting a nerve or getting a reaction so maybe better to try to let it wash over you.

Gosh, I think you have been very rather rude yourself in some of your responses on here OP - I feel as if I've had a telling off myself! And Nagoo doesn't deserve the nastiness that you've directed at her IMO.

You're right kungfupanda -

I'm sorry Nagoo, I have been rude to you.

I'm sorry. I was frustrated because I really am a very straightforward person, and believe me, on no level have I ever conjured up a perfect natural birth dream in my head.

Since we're on the subhect, so much is this not the case that in my first pregnancy I was told at a 39 week midwife appt that my baby was breech and I would likely need to have an ELCS. I was gutted when the scan showed the baby was head down as I really rather fancied the ELCS.

I just have zero tolerance for any kind of "all mothers secretly want to birth drug free with wale music" type inferences.

But I apologise.

"elective" in this context simply means 'decided upon before the onset of labour'; it's nothing whatsoever to do with personal choice (as you don't really get that on NHS anyhow).

Yes you can, the rules have been changed. Any woman now has the right to a section.

So there is now a distinct difference between planned for medical and elective.

I KNOW that at the moment elective means planned, I just don't agree with the term.

x post emsyj - I have no idea why you feel I've told you off though?!

You could say "Yes my consultant suggested I have ELCS."

Basically, my DH may tell me things and I may tell him things, but it's really inappropriate to, when you bump into that person, start asking them about personal stuff they have never discussed with you. And it's just fucking rude to expect them to explain their decisions.

I find posters saying "I just said I was too posh to push" a touch frustrating as it serves to never bust the myths surrounding why women choose to have an ELCS.

A sizeable number of women choose to make an informed decision to have an elect because they have a history of depression/anxiety/have suffered sexual abuse or rape/had a previous traumatic birth that has affected their mental health.

Until people are prepared to challenge this idea of too posh to push as being particularly damaging to an already vulnerable group of women stuff like this will continue.

Trouble is mental health doesn't sell newspapers or magazines. And there are an awful lot of quasi-religious birth zealots out there.

In short, in the shoes of the OP I'd be pulling the people making the comments up on how ignorant and rude it is to pass comment on such a sensitive subject given the profile of women who elect and how sadly the government themselves aren't interested in looking at this issue, despite recommendations to do so over 8 years ago by a commons select committee because there is politically nothing to gain by recognising the mental health needs of these women especially in the current economic climate.

FWIW, I have done exactly this to someone in the past. I stunned her, and got an admission (and heartfelt apology) that she didn't realise or properly understand why, for some women, an elect is the right decision.

I don't think there is a need to go into the reasons of why you personal might choose to take a certain route, but embarrassing them and educating people like this NEEDS to be done.