To not throw DD1 a fifth birthday party?

[designerbaby]

I did a big one for her fourth, and it nearly did for me.

Church hall, entertainer, big arsed cake, the works. But DH is away so much with work I'm operating as a single parent much of the time, plus I've started my own business, which I'm trying to work around school drop offs and pick ups.... I just can't face it.

But she's convinced she's having a party, even though I've said she's not. Talking about who she'll invite, where it might be. I feel really crap...

It doesn't help that I can't think of an equally appealing alternative. I'm the first of my friends to have children, so no idea what people do, if anything, when they don't do a birthday party...

Feel like a rubbish mum anyway at the moment, and the guilt trips on this one may just about finish me off. Should I just bite the bullet and hire the bloody hall again?

db
xx

my dd would love the paint a pot craft type place, but then she would sit and paint for an hour on one pot and her friends would be done in 5 minutes and want to paint something else..

She would love build a bear, not sure I can stomach the cost!

steppemum - Build a Bear is brilliant, and there's no law that says you have to have an actual party (with minimum numbers racking up the cost). Just take a couple of friends after school or some time when it's fairly quiet, then off for pizza afterwards.

OP - it's a shame your local softplay is not up to scratch - I wouldn't go to ours individually if my life depended on it, but we've been to several birthdays there and it's very good at those.

:) No cheese straws!

I understand. The cinema sounds better and better - you won't be tempted into over-doing things, either.

I used to work at a cinema and we actually had a little party room, we'd provide a cake with the kid's name, and I'd always take the kids in for a tour of the projection booth after the film. It was great, but I don't think there are any little cinemas like that left anymore...

Sorry YABVU
She clearly wants a party and you should put yourself out. You can ask for parents to help, theres no shame in that. They don't want parties for long dds friends are all stopping around 7 and then they go for restaurants, cinemas, bowling, skating etc.
What about a soft play area or similar themed place. Parents stay to monitor their kids and the place do the catering and cleaning up. You only have to turn up then.

Why should she put herself out for whatever a 5 year old wants? Don't be so daft.

"you only have to turn up then". And pay the bill. You forgot that bit.

Won't it be her first party at proper school? If so, I would do a party.

My DC's don't get one every year, but they usually get 3rd, 5th, 7th, 10th, 13th & 16th. I do sleepovers or film nights for the others - rent a new release DVD or two, few bags of popcorn, few mates round, instant party.

Most DC's here have parties right up to sweet 16's here. Every blasted year. From their first birthday.

My DC's understand that I just can't afford that.

My daughter had a cinema party for her 5th. The local independent cinema did it on a Saturday morning for £6 a head. For that they got crafts for 45 mins, film with popcorn and drink and we got a room after to do the cake, nibbles and a couple of party games.

DD as birthday girl got to switch on the movie.

They grow up so fast I think you are making a mistake not to do something. But no reason to feel like a bad mother. I never to big parties its just setting a precedence you cannot maintain and I think in part that's what has happened. Think small.

As you did a big party last year, i think you need to do something this year. How would you explain it to her? "sorry, I am busy!" I think that is a bit crap tbh. She clearly wants one and you did set the precedent by having them in the past.
She is five, so invite five friends. A simple party at home, make pizzas, decorate fairy cakes, play pass the parcel, get a piñata if you feel like splashing out, play some disco and dance. Party bags can have bubbles, notebooks / pencils / stickers and some sweets.
Easy and affordable.
It would never occur to me not do have a party for my dc's. Dd1 has been planning hers for ages and it's not until January.

Forgot, can you recruit gp's / aunties / friend to help out, at five most parents would drop their kids off I would think.

Look Have a party but rein it in, say invite 5-6 friends at home fr a smallish party. Iceland for food, AsDa, Tesco for cake tree you go

Don't be proud - go with the soft play - they'll all have a great time running around together, and almost no stress or work for you !

Macdonalds, free room hire, food 2.20 per child [happy meal], wack the piñata type thing, and oar ty bags Wth stuff from the pound shop. You can have as many kids as you want. Dd had it from her 4 th and 5th birthday ad se loves Maccyds. This year I don't think we will have a party , she does not want one and her tolerance to too much noise is getting worse [asd], instead we will have a family day out at her favourite local theme park, or invite a few friends round

Have you got a pub near with a wakky wherehouse?

Bowling - I know they are little but it can be fun, ours does a tea and cake 'party'.

Do an army boot camp party in the park regardless of the weather. Tell parents their children will need to be dressed to roll around in the mud - that will limit the numbers, who wants to collect a muddy child?

My mother used to throw a party for me every second year. Say 8 - 10 school friends, at home, no entertainer, just normal party games [pass the parcel, etc], normal party food [sausage rolls, icecream, crisps, birthday cake, etc] and a small good bag with a few sweets for guests to take home later.

I remember these very fondly. And never questioned the every second year rule re parties. Even at a young age I think I recognised the effort my mother put into making my party special and also looked forward to my party more as it wasn't every year iyswim.

The years I didn't have a party with my friends I would have a small family celebration, get taken out to dinner at Pizza Hut, that sort of thing.

I accept that I was a child of the 70s and 80s and ^ was very normal for that time. I didn't feel I missed out on anything, truly.

I sometimes think that our generation of parents set ourselves up for guilt and competition. Children don't really need or expect all this hoopla to we feel expected and obligated to provide.

I think in this circumstance I would invite a couple of your daughters friends home for a small birthday get together. Maybe a DVD and a nice lunch [sandwiches, fruit, cake], a few balloons. Low key. Don't make too much work for yourself otherwise you will be a tired stressed Mummy and that also won't make DD feel too great.

Keep it simple. Relax. I'm sure your DD will have a lovely time!

If your dd loves cinema, then that's the one to go for with just a few friends.

It's about her birthday and her family - who cares what the uber mums are getting up to.

Anyone with any sense will thank for starting just a sensible, low key precedent in YR.

Oh and reading one of your earlier posts you mention something about not being sure what is the 'done thing'.

Now listen, YOU do get to decide what is the DONE THING, you know that right?

It is your DD, you know her best and what she would enjoy, you are the party planner. Whatever you think is appropriate is the 'done thing' in your household.

See I think we set ourselves up for this competition with impossibly high standards. Imagining that others will be sneering or judging our efforts.

And who cares if they do anyway?

There seems a variety of opinions on this thread on how this situation could or should be handled. All you need do now is figure out what works for you. I'm sure whichever way you go your DD will have a lovely birthday.

Children at that age are really quite easily pleased as a general rule!

Not sure why the mrsunshine.

The OP mentioned the stress of throwing a party, along with lots of other factors. Cost was not one of them.

Church hall, entertainer, big arsed cake, the works = less than a few friends at soft play or Buildabear, anyway.

get over your worry that it has to be perfect,book soft play-she'll enjoy it even if u think its not meeting your stds-its for her after all not you...

Oh, goodness, you are really hard on yourself, OP.

It IS hard being a wohm, it must be v hard doing that with your DH working away. Sympathies.

It really is OK to do things in a way that makes it easiest for you, and no, you definitely don't need to cater / pay for parents and siblings, at 5.

And remember every other parent is in the same boat or one with similiar stresses and strains, and no-one will judge you. Be it for tidiness of house or type of party. Everyone finds thier own way.

Relax, and good luck!

Thanks everyone.

I wasn't for a minute suggesting that her birthday would go unmarked... Just that I couldn't face the prospect of organising - and cooking/baking for - a big party this year. As I've said, every other year for each is do-able, but two a year? With everything else that's going on in our lives, it's too much.

We don't have any family nearby, DH is from SA, and so his family are there. I only have my Mum, she lives a long way away and has some ishoos - particularly with gatherings of people. Came to DDs birthday party last year and had a meltdown... LESS than helpful, that.

We have friends but they all have children and mostly work too. So while they'll give moral support. their ability to provide ACTUAL help is limited...

Last year's bash was actually pretty cheap. Hall hire was £30, entertainer £60. I made all the food myself, so that was v. inexpensive, so long as I don't translate my time into ££ (in which case it would have been extortionate). Didn't do party bags, I'd done a design of musical instruments for the invite which I made into iron-on transfers and put on t-shirts for every child wrapped around a packet of sweets. Whole lot came to less that £150, I should think. The effort involved was ridicuous though.

I've had a look, and the local HMV Curzon do 'Cinekids'. Tickets are £3.50 for adults and children for showings at 10.30am... I reckon we could then stretch to 5-7 friends with one parent each - that's £49. I'll ring the pizza place opposite and se what they'll do for a children's lunch. Their kids menu is usually £4 (£28) anyway, and we could arrange a few larger pizzas to be cut up for the grown ups, (£30?) and a drink for each grown up too (£20). They're lovely so they'll probably let the children put their own toppings on their pizzas or something...So that's £127 and no stress/mess. I'll make her a cake - that's not a problem... I'll probably get some small books instead of party bags.

I feel a bit better about it now, thanks. And hopefully the promise of cinema and pizza - her two favourite things will make up for the 'no party' thing...

And I feel a bit less unreasonable...

db
xx

p.s. The über mums are still scary...

DD as birthday girl got to switch on the movie

I soooooo want to do that!!!!

Op, you're still making it bigger than it needs to be. 4/5 kids plus one parent helper - they're 5 now and hanging round at parties isn't the done thing, most parents want to drop and run, not sit through a kids flick and pizza party.