Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not throw DD1 a fifth birthday party?

97 replies

designerbaby · 26/09/2012 20:54

I did a big one for her fourth, and it nearly did for me.

Church hall, entertainer, big arsed cake, the works. But DH is away so much with work I'm operating as a single parent much of the time, plus I've started my own business, which I'm trying to work around school drop offs and pick ups.... I just can't face it.

But she's convinced she's having a party, even though I've said she's not. Talking about who she'll invite, where it might be. I feel really crap...

It doesn't help that I can't think of an equally appealing alternative. I'm the first of my friends to have children, so no idea what people do, if anything, when they don't do a birthday party...

Feel like a rubbish mum anyway at the moment, and the guilt trips on this one may just about finish me off. Should I just bite the bullet and hire the bloody hall again?

db
xx

OP posts:
Maryz · 26/09/2012 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SizzleSazz · 26/09/2012 22:08

Somewhere like Soft Play places are usually good for 15-20 or cinema/pizza for small group. I have found that 4/5/6 birthdays are normally bigger ones and then move towards smaller groups.

We are having a shared disco for DD as her birthday is near a friends.

gordyslovesheep · 26/09/2012 22:11

oh come on now OP - please don;t do the 'shitty mum' thing - WHY do you feel shit - listen your child will be happy with ANY kind of get together - it doesn;t have to be a huge all singing dancing hired entertainers super mum competition does it - please do learn to go 'ah fook you' to the imagined critics in your head (We all have the perfect mum nemesis )

I do not do big parties - I do mates round for tea, pass the parcel, sleeping lions, cake, food, home - none of my kids have exploded at the shitness of my mothering skills

give yourself a break and enjoy the birthday party of your childhood

Toombs · 26/09/2012 22:11

You need to start chatting to your DD's friends mums, you're all going to go through this so try and establish some rules, it can be the same party every time. The kids won't notice.

WilsonFrickett · 26/09/2012 22:12

2 or 3 besties to the cinema is perfect, honestly it is! No need to stress about it at all. And if your local cinema is in/near shops, take them to Claire's and give them all £3 to pick their own present instead of a party bag, then off for a pizza. Buildabear also good for a small group of girls I've heard.

monsterchild · 26/09/2012 22:15

I'm sorry, OP, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I thought you were looking for down-sizing the party, not getting rid of it completely. If it's any consolation to you, not having a party won't kill her. I have had a total of 5 birthday parties in my life, 3 of which happened after I moved out.

I think I turned out ok. Hmm

I think going to the cinema and pizza after, even if it's just you and DD would be great fun for her, a special day with Mom is always cherished by kids!

I agree on the play places, I hate them, and I just don't know if they are worth the expense.

gordyslovesheep · 26/09/2012 22:15

I once did Build a bear the last but one Sat before Christmas (friends child) - with 15 kids, 3 of them mine, I almost dies from the stress Grin

Kids loved it though

BizarreLoveTriangle · 26/09/2012 22:15

For dd1's 5th, we had ten children coming to the park with us. Three other adults stayed so it was manageable. It was cheap - we only paid for our pizza picnic - and easy as they entertained themselves. Not stressful at all (unless you have younger children to look after as well).

WilsonFrickett · 26/09/2012 22:16

Or if her birthday's in November Bizarre - I imagine that would up the stress factor of a park party somewhat Smile

aldiwhore · 26/09/2012 22:16

We only do a party every other year, a big one, that is.

Its not about the money but rather the empty money... its just not as much fun as the kids believe it will be, of course they love it, but they love running around eating cake and dancing anyway!

This year, both boys (8 and 4) have been going on about a party, we've said no, not this year, remember how much fun you had last year, we'll do it next year. We've asked them what 'treat' they'd like OTHER than a party and actually been really happy with their comments. The youngest wants 3 friends "because we only have four chairs" (his brother obviously will not be welcome at the dinner table!) and the eldest wants to go to the cinema and pizza hut and "maybe if I've been really good to POUNDLAND" (oh the shame!).

We've booked a surprise trip to Alton Towers over night instead, they have no idea, they are going to wet themselves with excitement, and no stress for us as we'll have two days for the price of one large party in a place I rather like too.

So long as I don't forget the compulsory banners and balloons with the correct age on them, I think this will be a great year. I actually think parties are becoming a little 'samey' for the boys as it seems there's one every week with a rotation of the same two entertainers/bouncy castle/football thing...

YANBU designerbaby there's more than one way to make a child feel special.

Rosebud05 · 26/09/2012 22:18

Regarding numbers, I can understand the 'don't want to leave anyone out' mindset with a bigger party, but a few friends round for tea and pass the parcel curtails this by their time that they're 5.

Just invite her close friends, maybe just 2 or 3.

stealthsquiggle · 26/09/2012 22:21

One of DD's friends did cinema & pizza - a dozen DC plus mandatory parent each, to the cheap Saturday morning film, then set children's menus and nibbles for parents at ASK. It was great, and host parents were going away the next day, so minimal hassle for them.

Sorry haven't read whole thread so not sure if there is some reason that won't work for you, OP.

stealthsquiggle · 26/09/2012 22:22

Forgot to say - that was for a 5th b'day.

NapaCab · 26/09/2012 22:23

Some close friends for a trip to the cinema and a build-a-bear type outing sounds ideal, to be honest. Less work for you but still a big treat for your DD. She's only 5 and she had a big bash last year so I'm sure it'll be fine..

brdgrl · 26/09/2012 22:34

OP, after reading your response to the suggestions here - seems like you are finding it stressful because you are still aiming for too much, or thinking that it will take a lot of work to make DD happy.
Seriously, dial it way back.

Guests. Three or four of those. No 'whole class' thing, no siblings.

No soft play areas, no organised 'event' like build-a-bear. If you want to do an outing, I think a cinema trip and pizza would be fine IF you get lucky enough to have an appropriate film on. But a small party at your house will probably make your daughter happiest (as you can easily tick the 'what makes a party' boxes - balloons, cake, a couple of simple party games) and if you follow the rule of SMALL AND SIMPLE, it doesn't have to trash your house, either.

theri · 26/09/2012 22:36

ynbu 2 weeks before my dds birthday she told me everyone that was coming to her birthday party. Not one mention before this. I nodded, smiled and told her that if she really wanted a party that i'd take her presents back to the shop. After 2 days thought she wanted presents,a family trip to softplay and granny to make her birthday cake. Give her other options, maybe meeting up with friends and going to softplay or even a jammie day. Children have more fun if we arent stressed x

Toombs · 26/09/2012 22:37

SMALL AND SIMPLE, perfect advice.

ninja · 26/09/2012 22:39

If you have a kids club the cinema is a great idea. It's usually niot much more than £1 per child and at 5 they won't be bothered what the latest film is. You're also restricted to the numbers you can fir in a car (or 2 if you get another parent to help)

You can tell her what a grown up party it is

Original poster
designerbaby · 26/09/2012 22:53

Thanks everyone...

Feeling a bit better now that it seems that Cinema and pizza might be a go. I wasn't sure, for a fifth birthday, whether it was the done thing.

It's one thing that DD absolutely LOVES, and might therefore mitigate the lack of party. We can do the Sat morning showing at the local Odeon, and there's a nice but cheap(ish) pizza place over the road, who are very accommodating usually...

I'm not saying no birthday parties ever again, but I'm already committed to doing for DD2 what I've done for DD1, which means a party at home is round the corner anyway... I just think 1 in 2/3 is probably about as much as I can do. I'll try and work a way of making sure they're on alternate years, which will probably means DD1 will get a bash next year.

I think it's the eternal guilt-trip of the working mum TBH. I'd love to do a bash every year, but trying to juggle everything with no family nearby and a largely absent husband means that it's all a bit much this year. But, by working as much as I am, I feel like the DDs are getting short shrifts.

Probably all exacerbated my the mums at school, who all seem to be full time über mums... They're a bit intimidating, and make me question what I'm doing a bit. They're all here early for pick-ups, looking calm and collected with home-made carrot-cake, whereas I'm sprinting up the road, slightly late and very flustered with a packet of cheddars...

Birthday party issue just thrown it into sharp focus...

db
xx

OP posts:
Toombs · 26/09/2012 22:55

Don't let the cool calm and collected bluff fool you, there's a soap opera going on behind every front door.

Original poster
designerbaby · 26/09/2012 22:59

brdgrl Yes, you're probably right. Her fourth was a bit of a production, and possibly didn't have to be as hard as it was. But I wanted to make everything myself, decorate the hall etc. I'm a bit OCD where visual things are concerned and find it hard when things aren't, well, as lovely as they could be, so it all gets a bit all or nothing for me... I'd probably be doing everyone a favour if I could get past that!

I could give her the option of a small party at home too, I suppose [braces self]. But then the above kicks in and I start making my own cheese straws... And suchlike idiotic pursuits.

db
xx

OP posts:
steppemum · 26/09/2012 23:17

I don't do big bash every year. Most years they have as many as I can sit around table at home, but I don't mind doing the games/craft etc.

If you don't like home parties, take 2/3 kids to special trip. We have a farm near us, lots of stuff in the barn if it rains. Tell parents that you will take them (so as not to pay for parents too)

Around here you can hire the local swimming pool for £60 for an hour, (less than hiring hall play food) so invite kids plus one parent, have fun then give cheap party bags and wave goodbye, then take dd out to pizza hut for dinner, just you.

ten pin bowling? Cinema?

i think you need to celebrate, but doesn't have to be a party, as long as she feels she has celebrated.

stealthsquiggle · 26/09/2012 23:17

So having acknowledged your control freak perfectionist tendencies, if you can sell cinema and pizza to DD as being a super-grownup party, then I think that is your answer

princessnumber2 · 26/09/2012 23:18

I find hosting children's parties more stressful than almost anything elseBlush. I mistakenly invited 14 six year olds to our house recently. House not that big so we planned to do it in the garden. It poured down for 3 days. Two words - NEVER AGAIN. If you can get away with less than 6 kids it's not too bad. I think pass the parcel is more work than its worth. Instead get plain white pe tshirts from asda or sainsburys etc (£1 each) and get them to decorate them with fabric pens. Keeps them occupied and they take these home instead of party bags. Keep food very simple. You might like home made cheese straws but most 5 year olds don't mind hula hoops Wink.

As for the general commitment. I'm afraid you've got to do something every year. It's bleak but I believe the contract is terminated at 18?

JustSpiro · 26/09/2012 23:22

I feel your pain db - every year I say 'never again' but my DD has always had at-home parties, and I'm a control freak about how everything looks too (staying up until 1am dipping strawberries in melted choc and 100's and 1000's for a bunch of 6yo for instance - raving nutter emoticon!).

Re limiting numbers (and I'll probably be flamed for this) DD has had 'girls only' parties since starting school, which instantly leaves you with only half the class to deal with, although I've always been quite mercenary about limiting numbers - maximum of 16 with the aim of about a dozen turning up. The boys at school drive my DD nuts anyway and she'll see her little 'boy-friend' from babyhood separately around that time as their birthdays are a week apart.

Baker Ross do brilliant craft kits with everything you need included in individual packs. If you choose wisely there is no need for paint or glue and they can take what they make home which means you have ready-made party bags bar a few sweets and a slice of cake.