AIBU or is he? Stepkids - could be very long - sorry

[argghhhkids]

I am a long term lurker here but not a poster.

DP and I live together with my DD (16) and his DD (18). We have been together almost two years. Currently we are living in the house he shared with his ex wife. This is not ideal and none of us would have chose this but it is necessary for financial reasons. We are buying the house off of the ex. It needs a load of work. We will then sell this house and buy a family home together.

My DD got out of control last year. I will make this clear as it is very relevant, she was truly horrible. She would scream, shout, get violent, got kicked out of school in all but name because she wouldn?t go and when she did she would argue with the staff. Fair enough she had alot of changes in her life at the time but she reacted to the extreme, to the point where she was arrested for blocking me in a room for two hours (im only little and she is bigger and stronger than me). DD however has improved massively this year. Her manner towards me however is often rude. She can be stroppy and demanding. DP hates this (although he never gets involved). DP?s daughter is far from perfect but she is polite to her Dad and on the whole does as she is told.

Anyway last night we were talking to the girls, DP asked them to help out with the cooking. DP and I both work some distance away from the house and work long hours. We leave the house before 7am and are back around 7pm. This has been hampering the renovations on the house as we just do not have time during the week. The idea was that the girls help by cooking once or twice a week each to allow us to get on with the house. Halfway through the conversation DD got all humpy and stormed out.

When I spoke to her about it she says she feels like a second class citizen in the house. DSD has a room that has flooring, is decorated and has heating. DD?s room has floor boards at the moment, I painted it for her when she moved in but it needs redoing and the plumbing done for the radiator. DSD has more ?stuff? than DD, stereo, big TV, GHDs etc. This is because DSD had more spent on her at Christmas?s and birthdays before I got together with DP whereas DD had less in presents but did get a holiday abroad most years, something that DSD never did with her parents.

DP has a computer that he has his personal bits on. He is fine about DSD using this but doesn?t like DD to use it when he is not in the room in case she snoops through stuff (which she may do, knowing her). However the wireless isn?t working so it essentially means that DD has no internet. DDs TV is not digital so she cant get telly. DP has set it up so she can pick up our tv downstairs (which we rarely watch) but it means her running up and down the stairs to change the channel. DSD has digital. Last week DD asked to borrow Dps dongle but it is a bit of a hassle finding it and to be honest we forgot she asked to use it but DSD spends most of the evening downstairs with us facebooking.

I explained to DP that DD she was feeling left out. She said that if DSD?s TV was not working it wouldn?t have taken 9 months for this to be sorted. I believe this is true. DSD can bug her Dad to do stuff for her, DD doesn?t feel comfortable doing the same. Little things like part of the coving hanging down in her bedroom upsets her, it has been like that for a couple of months but hasn?t got fixed. She says she feels like she has nowhere nice she can escape to. DSD can close her door and have a room that more or less looks finished with a working TV, music etc.

DP says that basically if she was nicer she would get stuff done quicker, you give bigger hugs you get bigger kisses etc. However 9 months is a long time, I really cannot see DSD waiting that long. I made the point that DSD upsets me. I am a light sleeper and have been disturbed more times that I can mention. She played music in her room until 11.30 ? 12am whilst getting ready to go clubbing on a Tuesday night when my alarm goes off at 5.00am. Nothing was really done about this, he would tell her to turn it down, not off, and she would do the same next week. She doesn?t wake up for her alarm so again this weekend my only lie in for two weeks was ruined because I had to get up at 7.15am because her alarm had been going for 15 mins and I couldn?t put up with it anymore. I however don?t refuse to cook dinner for her or tidy up after her. It is just expected that I would still do that sort of stuff.

So who is being unreasonable, me or DP. Because DD has been a cow in the past and still talks to me badly is it reasonable that she isn?t prioritised in DPs time to fix things? Is it reasonable that DD feels hard done by in the circumstances?

I am a miserable bitch if I have a cold bedroom and a fan heater doesnt really cut it (although a portable radiator does).

Surely it should be easy enough to get a replacement router, or create a second user account on DPs computer so your DD cannot look through his files. Can she not plug her netbook into the router with a cable?

I am not surprised she feels like a second class citizen if she has no heating, no internet access of her own and isnt trusted to use your DPs computer. Im also not surprised she is upset and resentful if she has moved to your current house where DSD already has a nice room (presumably where you lived before she had heating and a carpet?)

To be fair, I can understand your partners logic if he doesnt like how DD treats you. However he needs to step in regarding his own daughters behaviour, as like you say, you still cook, clean etc for her. I really do feel for your daughter and would probably be doing exactly the same if i was her

OP, show your DD this thread.

and let her respond,

there is no reason not to fix her space, it would take no time, and a digital box for her television will cost £20 max from a supermarket.

and stop comparing the two of them, they are different people, with different experiences,

given what you have told us, if you hadn't told us how she is behaving I would of guessed a lot worse, her behaviour is a product of her environment and experience, completely predictable given the circumstances, you are probably getting off lightly.

and buy both of them cordless headphones, worth every penny.

Sounds like you moved in too fast and it was understandably too unsettling for your daughter.

OPs buggered off. Has she even been back at all??

your DP obviously is nu,ber 1 in your life and your DD comes a very poor second.

Poor poor girl, you should be ashamed of your and your DP lack of understanding and compassion.

She deserves much better

Playing devil's advocate here - what would your dp say if you suggested that your dd and his dd should swap rooms as his dd's behaviour is causing you problems by keeping you from your sleep when you need it, whereas your dd does keep quiet and so it would be much better to have her closer to you and also be better for his dd to be in the room a bit further away from you so she could have her music up a bit louder and you wouldn't be affected.

I think your dp's reaction to this question will be quite telling - setting aside the 'it's her room and she shouldn't have to move' side of things that might be his immediate reaction.

If he doesn't think the other room is good enough for his dd then why is it good enough for your dd?

Why does he think that it is ok for his dd to disrupt your sleep - why is she more important than you in this respect?

I'm not saying that you should demand your dd should swap rooms with his dd - or even that you should raise it expecting that this would be the outcome. But I think it would be an interesting exercise in seeing how he treats the two of them differently and has different expectations. And it might make your dd feel better if she did end up in the other room even if she didn't have all the gadgets that step dd has.

I also think that you need to have a family meeting, and explicitly say that the vicious circle stops here. You and dh will try to sort out your dd's room etc, she will be nice to you and stepdd will be respectful when it comes to not being noisy and keeping others awake at night. Alarm in the morning is a bit more tricky if she is setting it because she needs to get up but is sleeping through - can you nudge your dp to go and wake her up so her suffers being woken up early too?

She's buggered off I tell thee! She's not been back!

Maybe she's gone to find a plumber (fingers crossed)...

or at a carpet shop

Another one here who read your post and concluded that you put your DP before you daughter. Could you not have waited until she older before you moved in with your boyfriend and upset her life? It sounds like her feelings are sidelined again and again.

Your poor daughter OP.

You moved into his house.

His daughter has all the mod cons and our daughter has none.

If I were you OP I'd get cracking with the decorating etc.

I assume this 'hugs and kisses' thing is meant like 'you catch more flies with honey', rather than the creepy meaning it would have otherwise? She does need her floor and heating sorted out OP, regardless of her previous behaviour. It does sound like DSD is treated better.

"your" not our.

Everyone seems to have felt that DD has been treated like Cinderella, and you've had the "How could you put a man first".

It also feels like resentment is building up between you while you live together in ex's old house.

Fine. Don't.
Leave, taking DD with you and find somewhere you both can live.

You can then decide what you want to do next... all 4 of you. Me? My sympathies are with DSD who has "wicked" step mum and step sister moving into her family home, which is being done up... to sell.

That will help DD to not feel 2nd class, and stop giving DSD poor messages, too.
The hugs & kisses stuff was badly phrased, but I think you've explained that by differences in behaviour...

I feel very sorry for your DD.

She is 16 years old. It is a very turbulent and emotional time in a young girl's life.

She was moved into your DPs house when she was 14. I don't think you've said anything about where you used to live or where your DDs father is in all this? Sorry if I missed it. But I just wonder what the backstory is to all this and why your DD might be so furious and difficult.

I feel she is being made the scapegoat of this new family. It suits everyone to see her as the one with the issues who is being 'punished' accordingly. You even feel she has acted like 'a cow'. The contempt and disregard for this young woman comes across quite clearly to me, no wonder she is lashing out. Do neither yourself or your DP [as the responsible adults here] have any curiosity as to why she is behaving like this? All you seem to be concerned about is that she does the cooking once or twice a week.

Have you considered taking some proactive action here in regards to your new family moving forward in a positive way? Some family therapy perhaps? Or even a family conference where everyone is encouraged to speak honestly and are heard and not punished for their feelings? You can't make your DD like her new home or your DP just to suit you and him. But you should be making the utmost effort to help her settle in and feel at home.

Really mending this is mainly up to you and DP as the ADULTS here. DD is a TEENAGER. Give the poor girl some emotional support and sort out her room for her. It's the least you can do as you made the decision to move yourselves into DPs house and the pair of you should have made sure DDs room was ready before she was made to live there.

I moved in with my stepdad when I was 12... the place was a skip.

Except my room. He'd made the effort to throw a coat of paint on the walls, lay a new carpet and put up some curtains. It was far from perfect, but it was clear he'd tried.

There's a reason he was my witness at my wedding, and calls my DD his granddaughter.

He was far from perfect, and we fought like hell sometimes, but he tried.

What has your DP done - him, not you, - to show he wants this child in his home? That he's trying to make her welcome?

Because from where I am, it's not a lot.

Also, where does she do her schoolwork? Is it in her cold, unfinished room? Because working in a freezing room won't help her grades, and working in a living room with a man that dislikes her won't either!

Always remember OP at the end of the day you moved her into a strangers house.

Never posted before but this struck a bit of a chord as I work with teenagers - obviously I don?t want to sound patronising as I?m sure you?ve considered this from many angles already, but here?s my two cents worth!

In many ways it sounds like you both need to try to be nicer to each other, and break the cycle you seem to be stuck in. As the adult in the situation, you'll have to make the first steps to reconnecting properly with her.

As a start, is there a wee something you could pick up for her on your way home one night this week that would brighten up her room, like some flowers, a scented candle, photo frame, or some fairy lights? Anything small that you can give her and say you saw it and thought she?d like it. Just knowing that someone is thinking/caring about them can have a very powerful effect on young people.

Then at the weekend could you take her out for a coffee/lunch/dinner/walk and try to clear the air a little? Make a bit of time just for the two of you to talk things through, and then make a plan for sorting out the room - forgetting the times where she?s let you down in the past. Show her you think it?s time you both dropped any grudges you hold, and ask her if she?s now willing to do the same. It probably won?t be an easy conversation but tell her that you want to draw a line under everything bad that you may have done or said to each other in the last year, because you want to start moving things forward. It?s sometimes almost as if teenagers who have been ?trouble? need permission to be good! She?ll probably be finding it hard to change her attitude, and feeling very vulnerable, so recognise the improvement in her behaviour and tell her that you really enjoy her company now. If your partner is unhelpful make it a project for the two of you - there surely isn't anything he can do that you couldn't? Or get someone to do :)

She might resent some of your choices, but I guarantee that she loves you just as much as you love her, and just wants to see that she is being properly considered and valued in all this.

It doesn't always work out, I do know a boy who's mother ended up leaving his step-father to try to focus on him and improve his behaviour - that wasn't entirely successful either, he still gets in trouble with the police and also clearly carries a lot of guilt for breaking up her relationship.

Wow that was so much longer than I thought! Hope you can work something out that makes you all a bit happier :)

OP you sound horrible, your DP sounds horrible.

You have been pretty quick to move her into a stranger's home - did you consider her needs, or only your own?

awwww at GINNYBAGs post

OP I think you need a family meeting, and you MUST make things more equal

you cant punish her forvever for beung bad last year

I couldn't imagine treating my own children like this.

My kids have their rooms as their sanctuaries and it is in no way connected to their behaviour past or present.

They don't have the same "stuff" but they have, in equal measures, items that are important to them.

At times one of them will feel less loved/left out and we all take it seriously. Nothing matters to me more than the children knowing they are loved and cherished in their home.

So while, on the face of it, you have sides to your argument, I cannot help but feel your dd is being treated unfairly.

I think she needs her room finished so she has her own space in a set up that she is still adjusting to.

The behaviour management should not be linked to renovations. And hugs and kisses are not behaviour guidance, that is manipulation.

ginnybag - your post just made me well up (bloody pregnancy hormones)! Your stepdad sounds lovely and the thought of him trying to get your room ready is quite moving for some reason.

Does your DP have porn on his PC?

I cant inagine another valid reason for not letting DD on the PC. Surely she can just have a different log in?

Is your DP ever left alone with DD?

margerykemp Thu 27-Sep-12 12:56:00
Does your DP have porn on his PC?

WTF? Where's that shit come from?

I cant inagine another valid reason for not letting DD on the PC. Surely she can just have a different log in?

Well, you have a very limited imagination.

Torrenting
D/l hooky warez
Malware infections
Abusing other people
Generally rough with technology equipment
Screwing the LCD screen

All perfectly good reasons to deny a difficult disrespectful individual to a key family asset

Is your DP ever left alone with DD?

Sounds like projection to me. Why not leave the OP with the difficult issues she has, rather than invent more.

as others have said bed, bedding, curtains are not gifts they are essentials

I appreciate that dsd was there already so her room would have been done, but you have lived there two years now and still your dd room has no heating and has no carpet on the floor, no wonder she feels second best

Computer with internet access and TV are essential to teenagers these days