AIBU or is he? Stepkids - could be very long - sorry

[argghhhkids]

I am a long term lurker here but not a poster.

DP and I live together with my DD (16) and his DD (18). We have been together almost two years. Currently we are living in the house he shared with his ex wife. This is not ideal and none of us would have chose this but it is necessary for financial reasons. We are buying the house off of the ex. It needs a load of work. We will then sell this house and buy a family home together.

My DD got out of control last year. I will make this clear as it is very relevant, she was truly horrible. She would scream, shout, get violent, got kicked out of school in all but name because she wouldn?t go and when she did she would argue with the staff. Fair enough she had alot of changes in her life at the time but she reacted to the extreme, to the point where she was arrested for blocking me in a room for two hours (im only little and she is bigger and stronger than me). DD however has improved massively this year. Her manner towards me however is often rude. She can be stroppy and demanding. DP hates this (although he never gets involved). DP?s daughter is far from perfect but she is polite to her Dad and on the whole does as she is told.

Anyway last night we were talking to the girls, DP asked them to help out with the cooking. DP and I both work some distance away from the house and work long hours. We leave the house before 7am and are back around 7pm. This has been hampering the renovations on the house as we just do not have time during the week. The idea was that the girls help by cooking once or twice a week each to allow us to get on with the house. Halfway through the conversation DD got all humpy and stormed out.

When I spoke to her about it she says she feels like a second class citizen in the house. DSD has a room that has flooring, is decorated and has heating. DD?s room has floor boards at the moment, I painted it for her when she moved in but it needs redoing and the plumbing done for the radiator. DSD has more ?stuff? than DD, stereo, big TV, GHDs etc. This is because DSD had more spent on her at Christmas?s and birthdays before I got together with DP whereas DD had less in presents but did get a holiday abroad most years, something that DSD never did with her parents.

DP has a computer that he has his personal bits on. He is fine about DSD using this but doesn?t like DD to use it when he is not in the room in case she snoops through stuff (which she may do, knowing her). However the wireless isn?t working so it essentially means that DD has no internet. DDs TV is not digital so she cant get telly. DP has set it up so she can pick up our tv downstairs (which we rarely watch) but it means her running up and down the stairs to change the channel. DSD has digital. Last week DD asked to borrow Dps dongle but it is a bit of a hassle finding it and to be honest we forgot she asked to use it but DSD spends most of the evening downstairs with us facebooking.

I explained to DP that DD she was feeling left out. She said that if DSD?s TV was not working it wouldn?t have taken 9 months for this to be sorted. I believe this is true. DSD can bug her Dad to do stuff for her, DD doesn?t feel comfortable doing the same. Little things like part of the coving hanging down in her bedroom upsets her, it has been like that for a couple of months but hasn?t got fixed. She says she feels like she has nowhere nice she can escape to. DSD can close her door and have a room that more or less looks finished with a working TV, music etc.

DP says that basically if she was nicer she would get stuff done quicker, you give bigger hugs you get bigger kisses etc. However 9 months is a long time, I really cannot see DSD waiting that long. I made the point that DSD upsets me. I am a light sleeper and have been disturbed more times that I can mention. She played music in her room until 11.30 ? 12am whilst getting ready to go clubbing on a Tuesday night when my alarm goes off at 5.00am. Nothing was really done about this, he would tell her to turn it down, not off, and she would do the same next week. She doesn?t wake up for her alarm so again this weekend my only lie in for two weeks was ruined because I had to get up at 7.15am because her alarm had been going for 15 mins and I couldn?t put up with it anymore. I however don?t refuse to cook dinner for her or tidy up after her. It is just expected that I would still do that sort of stuff.

So who is being unreasonable, me or DP. Because DD has been a cow in the past and still talks to me badly is it reasonable that she isn?t prioritised in DPs time to fix things? Is it reasonable that DD feels hard done by in the circumstances?

A new telly, laptop and ghd's would be pricey, but you at least make them equal in terms of heating-provision. Not having a radiator or proper flooring for that long is bang out of order, don't blame her for looking round her room and thinking of herself as Cinda-fucking-rella.

Also, you shouldnt compare your DD and DSD, all children are different. We have a DC each both teenagers both different, both treated the same.

DD couldn't be arsed to help out with her own room, so you did it all for her. DSD has painted her own room - without help from you or DP.

DD has had a new double bed, got her the curtains and the matching bedding she liked. I took her shopping to choose her light shade and helped her choose knickknacks for her room etc. I bought her a netbook for Christmas to help balance things out a little and also she got a contract blackberry for her birthday last year. She had a house party for her birthday this year to try to make her feel like it is her home too. And yet people are feeling sorry for her???? Stop making this kid sound like a victim of parental abuse! She's had a hell of a lot for someone who has made everyone's life unpleasant. What has DSD had that is new in that time, BTW, to balance out all this lot?

I'm really sorry, but I don't think anyone is being unfair to DD. She is not some poor, ill treated, down-trodden Cinderella. She's a spoilt, self centred little sod. However, she still needs heating in her room. Get it sorted!

I agree no proper flooring & no heating is wrong.

No TV/internet-maybe not so much!

Your DD's behaviour was unacceptable.

However, she doesn't deserve to live in an unheated room. Getting heating in her bedroom needs to be a priority- she needs somewhere warm to dress, do schoolwork and sleep.

Between you and her you can fix the coving. Either you or DP needs to sort out the wireless so she can work on her netbook, and either you and DP sort out the heating or you get a plumber in. Your DD needs to take some responsibility for helping with her room though, e.g. helping to pack up furniture so carpet can be laid.

Why are you tidying up after an 18yo, by the way?

SHE shouldn't have to nag her step dad to fix things. If he needs nagging then that is YOUR job.

And she needs to have it done up. Now.

Not for Christmas...just done up.

And what's this bigger kisses and hugs crap?

Only two unfair things are her room and access to internet. You and your DP need to fix her room asap. That should have been a priority. Call the internet company to come out and fix the internet or the both of you buy a wireless modem for the whole family.

New TVs, beds, curtains, and laptops have to be bought by respective parents or they will have to buy for both girls. What if DSD sees the DD gets a new tv and hers is several years old and wants a new one? Does DSD and DP expect OP to buy DSD a blackberry, too?

Household living conditions should be a top priority not the luxury stuff.

I'm sorry - your DD has been in a room without heating or carpet for two years? And right next door is her step sister who has a lovely, warm room with a flash tv and Internet?

And you think she has been a cow?

I hae to presume this is a wind up. Next will you be saying DSD is allowed to a party and DD isn't? No-one could be dim enough to fail to provide basic warmth for their child, or allow them to be treated so differently to a step sibling and then wonder why they kick off?

Your DP is an arse. You on the other hand are much worse. You're meant to be in her corner FFS. I can't believe it's taken you two years to question this.

Well, if ever I needed proof that it's good I never moved in - or let him - move in and live together with our respecitive DCs, this is it.

My DC has always been nr. 1 in my life. Any relationship has to be a bonus. The cream in the coffee so to speak.
At least this way I am always secure in our home and my DC too.

You know winter is on the doorstep and you know you're going to have to fix that radiator and those carpets. Now.
After that you can do the internet and the telly.

No way should one be favoured over another, whatever the family dynamics.

"Bigger hugs, bigger kisses"

Why not ask her what is most important to her?

My guess would be that if you sort out the internet access and heating asap, she may well be prepared to wait a bit for the plumbing, carpets, etc. Heating could be a simple fan heater for the time being.

But she needs to know that you're on the case with the other things, and that they will soon be done.

She's also two years younger than your DSD, so maybe needs a bit more allowance made for her in terms of expectations of cooking, helping with the renovations, etc.

At 16 and 18, they do not need allowance made for cooking. They should be helping out at least once a week.

Feel sorry for your DD.

Your DP sounds like a prick TBH.

I don't think the dsd is all that wonderful either to be honest if she's playing music at midnight some nights so loudly it wakes others up and is then asked to stop and does it again. I loved loud musicas a teen but even I wouldn't have played it at midnight. My mum would have gone mental.

I think your dp needs to remove his rose tinted glasses.v

sow I agree all those things sound like wonderful treats (although am sure many teens receive presents and parties on their birthday and new bedding when moving house) ...But without the basics and with the obvious discrepancy with DSD it's still shitty.

Teens are sensitive ... She will still focus on the differences and perceive a message that she is less loved / worthy / important.

How does DD see the split between you and your Ex ?

Does she take your or his side ?

The bit about the bedding, the phone etc was not mentioned in the op. Neither was the not turning up to deocorate the room.

I still think there is a lack of emotional support and understanding here and this is more important in some respects than the material things.

So for 9 months your DD has had no heating in her bedroom. Am I reading this correctly?

A freeview box for her tv would cost less than £20... hardly a fortune.

You are being unfair on her, and I can understand why she is lashing out.

You can often get Freeview boxes second-hand (try Freecycle maybe) as lots of people have upgraded to digital TV. You could also (if she's not allowed to use the only computer with an internet connection) get her a pay as you go dongle to use the internet until the wireless is fixed. If she's got no heating maybe an electric blanket would be a good idea too!

Where were you living before? Why couldnt you stay there? Do you have no housing rights in this house? So DP could throw you both out on the streets on a whim? No DC should have that kind of instability, regardless of all the other issues.

I'd be very careful if I were you OP, as your apathy may well drive your daughter away...

First things first, the plumbing needs sorting out now, and get some carpet down, those are basics.

here is a freeview box for less than £20 if it is important to your DD. Personally i don't see a huge issue as she can watch TV if she wants, it is just slightly less convenient.

Can the wireless be easily fixed? If so do it, if not maybe she needs to negotiate access to the PC that has the internet, but maybe that means she needs to help out more around the house.

Other than that your DD has had a new netbook, a new phone, a party, and new furnishings for her room while basically behaving like a brat? If your DSD decorated her room herself and your DD won't why is that unfair? If she has the opportunity to decorate it with you but chose not to that's her look out quite frankly. Why should she get it done for her if DSD had to do it herself? I can see your DHs point, if your DSD behaves much better why should your DD get exactly the same treats? That's a pretty crap message to your DSD that someone behaving a lot worse than her still gets all the nice things.

bloody hell curtains,a bed,and bedding are now gifts!!!! in my house they are basic essentials i would prioritise as are heating and carpets and i certainly wouldnt provide tv and net access to one child if i couldnt do it for all.

in my house its perfectly normal to buy children birthday and xmas gifts.

Is the 18 yr old working? Studying?

Presumably the 16 yr old has been doing her GCSEs during this last 2 years?

How has the house move, your new relationship and all the associated physical and emotional upheaval affected all that?

How much have you and your DP supported her through this crucial time for her education?

Has she been able to stay at the same school?

Has she managed to do all her coursework?

IME internet and computer are essential for homework and coursework.

I agree that basic things like bedding/carpet/etc are not gifts.

The phone and the net book not necessarily essential, but it is about fairness and equal treatment, and realising that a 14 - 16yr old will not have the skills or perception to see things in the same way an adult sees things.

From my personal experience of my own 3 dc, I would say that they need you most between the ages of 13 and 17, and any major life changes during that time can be very hard for them to cope with.

They both need to be treated equally, no wonder DD feels like a second class citizen.

I would pull out all the stops to finish your DD's room. Every spare min, pick up a paint brush etc. Show her how much she is valued and loved through your actions. It will help her feel more secure and happy in the family. Tell her she is just as important as DSD.

I would also lay down teh law with DSD about the music playing late at night each week and the regular alarm ruining your only sleep ins. That is very very selfish of her. Do make an issue of it.