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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to make an effort with partner's friend's wife?

16 replies

TellyTubby123 · 25/09/2012 13:41

I don't like the wife of my partner's good friend. We recently went away for a long weekend and she was pretty rude to myself and my partner and acts like a spoilt brat despite the fact she is in her mid-30s. She is really high maintenance and expects to have everything her own way the whole time. Also she seems to have taken an instant dislike to me and I am not sure why - when I asked my partner he just said she's a bit of a funny one.......

Am I being unreasonable to suggest to my partner that we don't spend time with them as couples? I am more than happy for my partner to go for a pint with his mate and I would never try and spoil the men's friendship, but I just don't want to spend time with his wife.

My partner has just suggested we invite them to stay for the weekend but I don't want to - I have enough really lovely friends that I struggle to make time for so I am reluctant to waste time on someone I don't like and can't see myself becoming good friends with.

An I being unreasonable to say to my partner why don't you just go for a pint with your mate but please don't invite him and his wife to stay?!

OP posts:

TidyGOLDDancer · 25/09/2012 13:42

Was that the first and only time you met her? It's possible she was like that out of nerves at meeting her DP's friends.

I would give her another chance tbh, though I would do this before inviting her to stay at your home.

NarcolepsyQueen · 25/09/2012 13:43

I agree with you - but it depends on how far away they live I suppose?

Bluegingham · 25/09/2012 13:45

YANBU.

My DH's mate's wife is a pain in the arse too. Incredibly needy, manipulative, passive aggressive and a bit of a drinker too. It would all be stuff that would pass by my DH but I notice it and can't bear her. I refuse to go out with them now. Her husband gets on my wick as well as it happens. Life is too short to spend it with draining people!

Proudnscary · 25/09/2012 13:46

YANBU to not want to spend a lot of time and another whole weekend with her. She sounds like a pain in arse.

YABU if you make things awkward for your dp and try to avoid social situations with her

sugarice · 25/09/2012 13:48

I wouldn't go along with the weekend idea just yet, that could be a nightmare if she continues acting in a high handed manner.

Is your dp keen to meet up again as a foursome despite her being rude to him as well, is this other man a very close friend?

Original poster

TellyTubby123 · 25/09/2012 13:48

I have met her several times - only once was she actually rude to me but the other times I didn't get the best impression of her as she behaves like a spoilt brat and I find her snobbish. Her husband is ok but I can take him or leave him to be honest, he's just ok if that makes sense. I certainly don't find them a fun couple to hang out with!

They live about an hour's drive away so it is practical for my partner to see them without me having to be involved / having them to stay over.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 25/09/2012 13:49

Do we all know the same woman? I also had a weekend from hell with someone like that - I quite like my DH's friend but couldn't believe how he had ended up with a needy, self-obsessed, person - equally very high maintenance. I wonder if some men actually like to have such a needy woman in their lives? We met once again at their wedding - but haven't seen them at all since; DH and the friend meet occasionally when he is allowed out.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 25/09/2012 13:56

My partners best friends wife is the same, she is rude, stroppy and childish, I can't stand her and really struggle not to be rude to her so I tend to have plans with my lovely friends whenever DP suggests going out with them as a couple.

I don't really like DP's friend either although am not sure why just something about him irritates me but I would never come between their friendship I just don't want to be friends with them so YANBU there isn't any rule that says you have to be friends with your DP's friends

Original poster

TellyTubby123 · 25/09/2012 13:57

My partner agrees that she is rude and doesn't really like her much but he just wants an easy life so agrees to meet up with them rather than causing a drama I suppose. Her husband is a good friend of my partner so yes they wouldn't want to lose touch. They have been good friends for about ten years or so.
This woman is also quite rude to her husband as well (including in front of other people) and is such hard work - I am really not sure why he married her?!

OP posts:

sugarice · 25/09/2012 14:02

I don't see why you should meet up as a foursome if she's unpleasant to be around.

It may be that it's the Husband who gets grief if he goes out without her hence the foursome idea or perhaps he doesn't like going out alone with her and needs the company!

BonaDea · 25/09/2012 14:18

YANBU.

Sounds like you just haven't clicked and she may well not like you either (sorry, not saying that to be rude, it's just that often these feelings are mutual, aren't they?). She may well be relieved if you try to limit the time spent together as couples.

The other alternative would be to go out in a bigger group, with others there to difuse her effect?

StepAwayFromTheORANGECakes · 25/09/2012 14:24

my DH best mate has a partner who is a bit of a spoilt brat, she won't go with him to see his family or spend time with his mates, its all on her terms. I find it sad because its not an equal relationship and he is the one compromising all the time, he has admitted to DH that she is not really the love of his life but 'will do' after inviting her to events that she doesn't come to or worse makes a feeble excuse we just do not bother with her at all. I was always a bit judgey about her cos when they met she was engaged to someone else, and despite the affair with him went and got married anyway, then kept on seeing him until the breakup a few months later. I thought that was a rotten thing to do to someone. It clouded my view of DH's mate too. I jst encourage DH to spend time with him on his own now and we get together with him occaisionally when its a big event or other friends are together. Just don't bother unless you want to give her another chance then make up your mind.

ClippedPhoenix · 25/09/2012 14:25

I'd probably suffer her every now and again on a night out. But no way would I have her in my home for the weekend.

deleted203 · 25/09/2012 14:29

YANBU...It's one of the things I really hated about my ex - that he wanted to meet up with his mates and I was left on nights out to make conversation with their partners. I had nothing in common with these women except that they were the wife/gf of one of HIS mates. And I kept thinking that I could be spending my time with my own friends, rather than his. I would let DH spend time with his mate on his own. Don't see why you should have to spend time with someone you can't stand.

JennerOSity · 25/09/2012 14:33

No hesitation, no question, no pause for thought and certainly no qualms to say that in your shoes I would not waste my precious time with this woman.

When you struggle to make time for people you really really like there is just no need to accommodate her. Odds are she is no more keen on you, and you are never going to gel so what is the point?

While he visits his friend without you, you can take the opportunity to see your friends or have them over for the evening and everyone's a winner!

My DH has a female friend I can't stand, they've known each other since college years, I made a huge effort to get to know and make some connection with her out of respect for the fact that she is his oldest friend and he likes her - but in fact I find her frosty and rude and have now drawn a line and not one more iota of effort will I spend on her. I am much happier and it doesn't effect their friendship so I don't need to feel guilty. She is the only one of his friends who I don't like so I am confident that it is a personality clash and no need to put either of us through the pain of trying to pretend differently.

Original poster

TellyTubby123 · 25/09/2012 15:10

Thanks for all the replies, think I will have a chat with my partner and say that I don't want them to come and stay for the weekend and I don't want to make anymore plans with them as a foursome, but I am happy for him to hang out with his mate whenever he likes just don't involve me in the plans!

OP posts:

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