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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stunned by DW (sorry, long)

70 replies

BadLad · 25/09/2012 00:46

This is long, as don't want to keep adding further information, but would really welcome opinions.

While waiting for the train, this morning, DW anounced that she has applied for a posting abroad with her company. If successful, it would be for two years, leaving in 2014. They could send her wherever they had the need. It isn't a couples posting, and I am unable to move my job.

We haven't discussed it at all yet, because a) I was too stunned to say very much, and b) I certainly don't want to discuss family matters on the train.

I don't want her to go, for the following reasons.

  • I don't want to be on my own without her for two years.
  • I would have to find somewhere else to live here, as I couldn't live with just my mother-in-law
  • I would lose my spouse visa if we weren't living together, so I would have to give up some of my work.
  • I think marriages rarely survive this sort of lengthy separation, IME.

I'm ashamed to admit it even to myself, but I can't help hoping she doesn't get it. I feel selfish and disloyal for thinking that.

We live in her native country, so I suppose I am getting the exotic living abroad experience, while everything is mundane for her, and this is, due to her age, the last year she can apply for her company to post her abroad, so I understand where she is coming form. I also realise I married her, but I don't own her, and she still has her own life to lead. She is very successful in her job and that is one of the things I admire about her.

However, I do think she has been unreasonable in the way she has gone about this. This is two people's lives she's changing (no children), and I would never have dreamed of applying to go abroad for two years without so much as discussing it with her. If she had told me that she wanted to do this before we got married, and that applying was a possibility, and then we could have looked at the potential pitfalls together, I would be more supportive. At the very least, I think I should have been alerted to the chance of it happening before she applied.

I feel that both I and our marriage are coming rather as an afterthought in her priorities.

Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. All opinions welcome.

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 25/09/2012 00:49

She should have discussed it. It could be that she knew you would put the blockers on and therefore rather than not thinking about you she has actually just presented you with a fait accompli. Still not fair though :(

SarahStratton · 25/09/2012 00:53

She should absolutely have discussed it with you beforehand. Is she usually so selfish?

NatashaBee · 25/09/2012 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deleted203 · 25/09/2012 00:59

I'm really very sorry for you. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to be feeling stunned and hurt by this and I suspect she knows she has behaved in a less than honest way by casually announcing this at the station. I believe she knew that you would be reluctant to have a full and frank discussion in front of fellow commuters and took the faintly cowardly way out by dropping this on you to give it time to sink in before she had to justify her behaviour to you. I imagine if you had suddenly announced to her that you were returning to your own country for 2 years without her she would be feeling aggrieved and betrayed. However, to try and look on the bright side for a moment you say that it would mean her leaving in 2014. Is it possible that your own job situation may have changed in 2 years so that you could go with her and look for work wherever she is going? Or that you may have found somewhere else to live in that time (not with mother in law), or that you might work out a way of flying over to see each other every 3 months or so for a week, perhaps? Obviously you have a lot to discuss, but I wish you much luck. I think you need to sit down with her and explain how shocked you are that such a major decision for the two of you was made without any consultation with you. Tell her all your concerns and see what she has to say. Best wishes.

Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 01:00

She has always seemed very committed to making the marriage work, so no, she has never seemed selfish.

I worry that I am always going to be wondering what other big surprises are in store for me, if she can spring this on me without discussing it first.

OP posts:
bubby64 · 25/09/2012 01:01

YANBU - yes, she should have had a reasoned discussion with you first, now she has applied, will she have to take up post if it is offered, or is there the option to change her mind? Also, is there absolutly no chance of a posting with you accompanying as spouse, I know you said you cannot give up your job, but wouldn't it be better to do that than put the marriage at risk. I take it as read there will still be, by her choice (and I assume yours) no children to consider.

Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 01:01

I have to start work now, so I will have to read and respond to the replies I get later, but thank you to everyone who takes the time to reply.

OP posts:
CaliforniaLeaving · 25/09/2012 01:12

When you do get to talk to her about it, make sure to let her know exactly how you feel, don't be wishy washy and say you want her to go if you don't. She also needs to know how this will effect your visa, if you are on a spouse visa and no longer living together, are you sure you can even remain in the country?
YANBU she is being a bit thoughtless. Maybe she panicked applied realizing she could only do it this year and then never again.

dysfunctionalme · 25/09/2012 01:59

Not unreasonable at all. This is a deal-breaker. What in god's name was she thinking? What is the point in getting married then leaving the spouse behind?

kickassangel · 25/09/2012 02:12

If it won't be til 2014 then does this application mean more like she's signaled an interest and is now in a long waiting line? Ie she is telling you at the start of a long process, which may never even lead to anything? She should still have talked to you first, but not as shocking as if the job was in the next 6 months.

hmmmmm · 25/09/2012 02:14

I think OP means his dw leaves the post in 2014, not leaving for it?

Sorry to hear this, I'd feel very rejected were it me Sad I hope you can communicate and find out what's on her mind?

Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 02:21

Just to clarify, it means actually taking the post in April 2014, and then coming back in 2016.

She has applied for it. She will find out if she has been accepted or not in a month. It might not lead to anything, admittedly.

OP posts:
hmmmmm · 25/09/2012 02:24

Oh right sorry I got the wrong end of the stick.

But it may lead to her moving away? Have you spoken about how often you'll see each other?Do you have dcs?

frisson · 25/09/2012 02:32

He said they don't have children.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 25/09/2012 02:47

I did move to be with my DH. If he announced that he was applying for a job in another country after I moved to be with him here... words would not cover how angry I would be.

Thumbwitch · 25/09/2012 03:11

I also moved countries to be with DH. If he did this I'd be beyond furious. Incandescent with fucking rage about covers it.

TBH, I wouldn't be impressed if he said he wanted to do it (we're here because of his family) - but if he actually went ahead and applied without any discussion, I'd take that as a sign that he's had enough of married life and parenthood and would probably take steps of my own, which would be bloody difficult considering the young DC aspect in our lives but might signify to him how fucking inconsiderate and selfish he was (thinking of) being.

Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 03:14

I must be clear - I met DW in this country. I didn't move here to be with here, although I did move some considerable distance across the country to move in with her.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 25/09/2012 03:31

Doesn't really matter, BadLad - she should still have considered your position before applying especially if it affects a) your living arrangements and b) your visa.

lovebunny · 25/09/2012 03:32

does she want to get away from you?

GnomeDePlume · 25/09/2012 03:48

Absolutely you should have discussed this as a couple before she made the application.

She announced this like she had decided to give Costa Coffee a go instead of Starbucks. Instead of it being the potentially life changing decision it is. That sounds like a very dismissive attitude to your relationship.

From experience relationships can survive this but this type of enforced separation can open up cracks that would otherwise not have shown.

I agree with California, any discussion you have has to be honest. You both need to talk about where you each think your marriage is heading.

Jacksmania · 25/09/2012 04:29

Oh :(
I'm just shocked.

It doesn't matter if you moved to to her country to be with her, or if you moved there and then met her - it wouldn't matter if you'd both lived in the same country all your lives.

One partner in a marriage announcing announcing!!!! that he or she has applied as in, deed done, application in for a position out of the country... without ever mentioning even considering doing such a thing... well, words pretty much fail me.

Jacksmania · 25/09/2012 04:32

I just asked DH how he would feel if I did such a thing, and what he would do.

He just looked at me like this: Shock Shock Shock Shock Shock

Then he said he'd ask me where I thought the marriage was heading. And as an afterthought said he didn't know how he could ever trust me again.

I'm so distressed for you :(

Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 04:32

Lunch break, so I can reply at more length.

GdP - yes, I agree. I will have to have a frank talk about what she expects from marriage

Lovebunny - maybe, but not as far as I know. This was a completely surprise to me.

California - I will be able to live in the country, but I will need to get my company to sponsor me, which will restrict the work I can do to one field, so I will have to give up some other work.

This is definitely not something I could accompany her to. She works for the government, and this is the chance to work at an embassy for two years. She doesn't know which one. If it is somewhere where UK nationals can't go, then I wouldn't be able to go there at all to visit, let alone accompany her.

This would be a payrise for her, for two years, although our overall income would stay similar as mine would drop without a spouse visa and my part time work.

OP posts:
Jacksmania · 25/09/2012 04:34

How was it left this morning, BadLad? Did you arrange to talk about it tonight?

Leena49 · 25/09/2012 04:39

Sounds like you are at the bottom of her list mate. Surely whoever she works for have some sort of policy to accommodate the partners.
I'm afraid I would be absolutely devastated and we are a couple that sometimes take holidays apart.

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