Stunned by DW (sorry, long)

[BadLad]

This is long, as don't want to keep adding further information, but would really welcome opinions.

While waiting for the train, this morning, DW anounced that she has applied for a posting abroad with her company. If successful, it would be for two years, leaving in 2014. They could send her wherever they had the need. It isn't a couples posting, and I am unable to move my job.

We haven't discussed it at all yet, because a) I was too stunned to say very much, and b) I certainly don't want to discuss family matters on the train.

I don't want her to go, for the following reasons.

• I don't want to be on my own without her for two years.
• I would have to find somewhere else to live here, as I couldn't live with just my mother-in-law
• I would lose my spouse visa if we weren't living together, so I would have to give up some of my work.
• I think marriages rarely survive this sort of lengthy separation, IME.

I'm ashamed to admit it even to myself, but I can't help hoping she doesn't get it. I feel selfish and disloyal for thinking that.

We live in her native country, so I suppose I am getting the exotic living abroad experience, while everything is mundane for her, and this is, due to her age, the last year she can apply for her company to post her abroad, so I understand where she is coming form. I also realise I married her, but I don't own her, and she still has her own life to lead. She is very successful in her job and that is one of the things I admire about her.

However, I do think she has been unreasonable in the way she has gone about this. This is two people's lives she's changing (no children), and I would never have dreamed of applying to go abroad for two years without so much as discussing it with her. If she had told me that she wanted to do this before we got married, and that applying was a possibility, and then we could have looked at the potential pitfalls together, I would be more supportive. At the very least, I think I should have been alerted to the chance of it happening before she applied.

I feel that both I and our marriage are coming rather as an afterthought in her priorities.

Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. All opinions welcome.

My inital thought was that maybe she wants out of the marriage but is too frightened either to admit this to herself or to tell you outright.

She is definitely being breathtakingly selfish and high handed but also possible cowardly. Am I correct in saying she's Japanese? They're not a confrontational race by and large are they (massive generalisation I know) so maybe there is a problem she doesn't feel comfortable raising and would rather push you away or run away herself.

No excuse though. If I was you I would be l.i.v.i.d.

YANBU. I can understand why she might want to do this (and it seems you do, too), but to make such a unilateral decision and announce it in the way she has is cowardly and disrespectful.

YANBU, how utterly selfish. I don't know if I could stay married to someone who did this to me. Whether she gets it or not is almost irrelevant.

I have a lovely, dear friend who moved to the UK to be with her DH. She had been here less than a year when he announced that he was off to join the army, leaving her by herself with their numerous pets and occasional weekend visits. He has since ummed and ahhed over which particular bit of the army he wants to be in, has been posted here, there and everywhere while she has moved house and job to try to be near him, tried to make her care full-time for his frankly deranged father and left her more or less completely isolated. Things have been a lot better for her since she decided that she would focus on what she wanted to do, stay put, make friends etc. rather than try to keep up with him, but it has been miserable for her and infuriating for her friends. They've been married for 5 years, of which they have actually lived together 1.

I'm going to respond to a few points:

The marriage wasn't in any way a marriage of convenience. I had a work visa, which enabled me to work within a specific field. I now have a spouse one, which places no restriction on what I can do, hence doing more jobs.

AM, I didn't have a thread about losing my temper. I had one about DW liberating things, in AIBU. We got over that without a row or loss of temper. I have never lost my temper with her, and honestly don't understand your "look in the mirror comment". You are wrong in what you have said about the visa and MiL issue.

blonderthanred, I can see why you think that, but that "I don't want to be without her" includes that I love her and will miss her. Perhaps badly expressed. I was trying to be concise. I don't talk to her like that. The practical issues are indeed in my mind, although not as important, but they do make the point that it will be a lot of life changes on top of my wife not being here. I do think the issue, while certainly not satisfactory, is a bit less problematic without visa and job difficulties as well. I wanted to give an idea of the scale of the upheaval.

I can very well understand her wanting to do this. There are things I would like to do, but I wanted married life more than I wanted to do them, so I resigned myself to not doing them.

This might sound harsh, but the only way you're going to get her to see what a stupid and unreasonable thing she is doing is just say 'Right, well if that's what you really want I want a divorce and I'm going back to the UK'. It should make her reconsider and stay in the same country as you. If not, well at least you know the real deal.

Why should your life be fucked about just because she fancies a secondment? I wouldn't stand for it.

Anyway, we have now discussed it - again in a public place, this time in a coffee shop.

She has withdrawn her application - actually she did this before we met up to talk, on the grounds that it was actually for a minimum of three years, not two as she had thought, and she thought that was too long for a marriage to survive.

I explained that I thought two years was also too long, but also that that was a bit beside the point. She is entitled to believe that the marriage could survive, and disagree with me, and we should discuss these things in future before making any decision. I don't expect to get my way all the time; only to have my say, which she says is fair enough, and in future we will discuss things.

She assures me that she really does want to stay in the marriage. She said the deadline for applying had loomed, and she had applied to be sure, but hadn't given it enough thought.

I pointed out that you only live once, and if she really was set on going abroad and wanted that more than being married to me, then I would be devastated, but have to accept it and respect her decision. She said she doesn't.

And there you have it. I have been working late a lot recently, and have taken steps to reduce the amount of late evenings, so that she will definitely have more time with me in the evenings, and more chance to bring up anything that is on her mind.

have just now taken steps, that should be.

Burlington, harsh is welcome if meant honestly.

OK. Well at least that matter has been resolved.

I did mean it honestly. I can't stand it when one partner gets to decide everything just by being the strongest personality and taking the most radical steps. The only way to counteract it is to be equally strong and implacable.

If I hadn't recognised your name, I would have thought this a reverse AIBU. Of course she should have consulted you, even considered you, before applying!

The bit about your having moved to Japan in the first place, and independently of knowing her, doesn't excuse it, either, since you say that was a limited work visa, so presumably you would not have intended to stay so long (possibly working part-time for stretches) without her.

Also, if she does want to explore living abroad, you could together explore possibilities of going somewhere else, as a couple, to work for a few years.

Oops, x-post.

I know you've apparently resolved things for now, but honestly? For me it would be a deal breaker. I couldn't love and be with someone who could do that to me. Decide to move half way across the world without even discussing it with me? No way. Game over.

Angela, I think you might be thinking about baddad, or something....

I'm glad this has been sorted out.

However I read your other thread and taken alongside this one - I think you really do have to have a serious and foccused think about the bigger picture. That's twice now you've been faced with things that are diametrically different to what you would do and have been blindsided by the actions of your wife. Once in a slightly more trivial (depending on your feelings about theft) way but generally in ways I would find it surprising to happen twice.

Before I'm misunderstood I'm not saying 'OMG think about leaving her, she's selfish and mental'. I'm saying you need to find a way that works for both of you to communicate effectively and both be heard. She says she panicked and didn't give this enough thought - that's not the most satisfying of explanations really.

The longer you are together the more, and often larger, life choices there are, as you well know. I may not be unanimously supported in this but I feel a huge aspect of a marriage is knowing that equally for both spouses, when you are apart particularly, decisions will be assessed on the basis of what is best for the unit and that your best interests are considered an integral part of that not as an afterthought and exercise in damage limitation. That doesn't mean giving up things important to each person but going about them in a way that is most beneficial to your whole life and future.

Use this as a way to get on that and the 'we'll definitely talk more' materialises. You've taken steps to be more available - ensure the other side of the bargain is maintained.

I'm glad you've had the chance to talk this over, and i'm glad she has withdrawn her application.

I'm sorry about the marriage of convenience question - but if we don't ask, we don't find out :)

I remember your thread about the 'liberating things' badlad. I would echo illages post above about looking at the bigger picture.

Thanks for everyone's posts.

We have talked about living abroad. She will retire before I will - not that far away, in fact, and when that happens if she wants to live abroad I will look for a job somewhere else.

Illage, you're right. It's just hard to think of what will come up. For me, it was so natural that something like this would be discussed before anything was started, that I assumed it would be for her as well.

No doubt there are a lot of surprises in store in any marriage, and I suppose that is all the more so in cross-cultural ones.

BadLad - forgive me for being so rude as to ask, but roughly how old is she? Had she been single a very long time before you got together and got married? I'm only asking because, as someone who got married at 40, and lived by myself for a good 10 years, it can become habit to just think of the subject in hand while not considering the other person who is now likely to be affected by your actions.
I know I did this a bit to start with in my relationship with DH (before we got married though), just out of sheer thoughtlessness - but the habit broke of course, as it had to for the continuing health of the relationship, and now I always remember that other people need to be informed/consulted/asked about stuff before I think about/agree to doing anything.

Very interesting, Thumbwitch.

Yes, she was over 40 when she got married, having never had a serious relationship beforehand.

Badlad - you are in Japan, right? how long have you been here?

if I were you, I would apply for permanent residence ASAP

it will give you a bit more security in the long run, whatever happens with your marriage